Isaac: The Price of Dawn is awaiting your presence.
Me: Can't wait. I'll be over soon
Isaac: I'll be waiting…

I set my phone down on my bed and walk over to my desk. Every morning since Gus died, I've been writing in a journal, letters to him. I know it he can't read them because he's…dead, but I like the idea of still being able to talk to him through my letters. It was recommended by Dr. Maria that I go see a psychiatrist after he died. I was reluctant, but went anyways, knowing I couldn't be sad forever. The shrink suggested I write these "letters" to Gus. I've never been much of a writer, and as much as I hate to admit it, I really like it. Is it weird to think that the old Hazel would only recite poetry, but never to write it? And now the new Hazel writes it as if it is the oxygen flowing through her cannula? Fancy that, I never thought I'd write poetry, much less for my dead boyfriend. Oh Gus. I miss you. No! Hazel, what are you doing? Stop thinking about Gus! He's DEAD for chrissakes get OVER yourself already! It's time to move on, Hazel! I shake my head as if to clear it from all thoughts of Augustus. I close my journal and look at the last text from Isaac one more time. I'll be waiting.

I throw on a pair of jeans and my black Rock For Life hoody. I got it a year ago for Amsterdam but never got around to wearing it. Thank God. Now, I wear it all the time. There's something about the defiant message it sends out and the mortified look on the faces of strangers whenever I wear it that makes me feel so strong. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, I'm promoting life. I head downstairs and see my mom sitting at the table, eating a piece of toast and reading the newspaper. I pause at the bottom of the staircase. Her glasses are perched on the bridge of her nose, and her coffee mug has lipstick stains along the rim. She's wearing the scarf and slippers Dad and I bought her for Mother's Day. Mom usually keeps the house quite cold, so she almost always has a scarf around her neck. She hasn't looked this peaceful in ages. A small smile creeps across her face and I know she's reading the comics. I want to remember this picture. I know that when I walk across the threshold, she will get up and go about her business for the day. She'll ask me about Isaac and I'll say he's fine. She'll ask if I'm feeling okay and I'll say I'm feeling great. She'll ask me if I've seen my dad lately and I'll freeze and then things will get awkward. I don't want to shatter the silence and beauty of the moment, but my stomach makes a loud growling sound. Mom folds her newspaper and looks up at me, startled. "Hazel! I didn't expect you to be up so early today. Is everything okay?"

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm actually going for a run. Okay, I'm going for a walk. "I'm fine, Mom. Isaac wanted me over there earlier so we can play a little bit longer."

"Play? OH! You mean actually play as in playing that videogame. What's it called? The Blood of Morning?"

I blush. Mom can be so 8th-grade-boy sometimes. "Price of Dawn. I thought I told you Isaac and I are just friends, Mom come on you know I don't like him that way."

"Oh yes. You and Isaac are just "FRIENDS". I got it. Wink wink"

"I'm leaving now."

"You should really eat something before you go"

"I'll grab something on the way. I love you, Mom!"

"Okay, be safe. Tell Isaac I say hi."

As I pull out of the driveway, I notice in the rearview mirror, two little girls playing jump rope across the street. I sigh at the memory of Kaitlyn and I when we were younger. Before cancer. What I would give to be young again and…cancerless. You know, with friends who aren't freaked out by my bald head once I relapse and start chemo. Knock on wood, I've been in remission since my last episode before Amsterdam. All hail the mighty Phalanxifor! According to Kaitlyn, I could "live forever on Phalanxifor." Kaitlyn. I've missed hanging out with her but at the same time it's slightly uncomfortable for both of us. We have lived in such different worlds since I dropped out my parents took me out of public school. There have been a couple times when we meet up at the mall, but I always feel so disconnected. Someone pulled the plug on my high school social life a long time ago. It's junior year for her. She's probably thinking about the Valentine's day dance, and now that she's an upperclassman…well things are looking up for her. She's practically got the entire school wrapped around her finger…and she's not even a senior yet. Look out world, Kaitlyn is taking over.

My mind wanders as I'm driving. I know the drive to Isaac's by heart. I start thinking about the last time I was truly happy. Amsterdam. The cold chilly air, the "stars", and the Anne Frank House. How long am I allowed to mourn? When should I stop crying? Silly questions, I know, but I think about him. I can't stop thinking about him. And I will never stop loving him. My mind has drowned out the radio, my thoughts speaking louder than the pop-ish tunes that flood through the speakers. I don't even notice when I've pulled up to Isaac's house and find that I've been sitting in the driveway for what must've seemed like hours. Yeah, it was actually 30 minutes, Isaac told me later. He was waiting for me. He was sitting on the front porch steps with his little brother, Neil. He didn't get up when he saw me; I guess Neil must've said something. Okay, I have to admit, I have a weakness for older/younger sibling interaction. And Isaac looks so brotherly talking to Neil.

Don't get any ideas, I told you, I don't like him that way. Besides, he's Gus's best friend. I'm not the kind of girl who hooks up with her dead boyfriend's best friend. That's just so cliché. To all the people who say guys and girls can't just be friends, watch me. I'm going to walk into that house right now and play some Price of Dawn with Isaac, maybe chat with Neil for a minute, and then drive myself home having only played video games with my beloved blind friend, and nothing else. Watch me.