Author's Note:
I'm posting this even if it's full of mistakes and I haven't even done a simple spelling check because:
–I was far too optimistic when I thought I could post before going away for the weekend of my best friend's wedding. Duh.
–I'm sleep deprived.
–It's alive now. Ugh. So now I'm thinking perhaps 3 chapters are not enough. Simply because I want to write much more sin and trash Whedon's plotholes. Let me know what you think in the comments.
–Where is this Fridge? What was in there? Who or what is a Man-Thing? I swear I need a cocktail and a lobotomy.
Be nice, kiddos. Love ya.
2013
The Triskelion
5 months before the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D.
"Come in."
Director Fury's voice resonated through his office as his second-in-command, Maria Hill, walked in, dressed in a black S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform, her hair in a ponytail, her right hand holding a white envelope.
"Thank you for seeing me with such short notice, sir."
Fury looked up from the papers he was reviewing. He set the documents aside and crossed his hands over his desk, dedicating her his full attention.
Hill's hands were sweaty and she mentally kicked herself for her weakness even if she didn't let it show. Fury just regarded her with his one eye, silently. Waiting. Maria could sense he knew. He'd be so disappointed in her. She had failed. There was no going back now.
She positioned herself in front of his desk, placing the envelope over it, within his reach. She crossed her hands behind her back (an echo of the sleeper soldier within her) and cleared her throat, finally saying the words.
"I came to hand my resignation, sir. In this letter I explain the details of the circumstances that have led me to this strenuous choice."
The rehearsed words sounded so lame now that she spoke them aloud.
Fury didn't even flinch. He just continued to study her for what felt like extremely long seconds. Fury's death stare didn't show accusation or disappointment, or even surprise. He simply leaned against his desk, speaking in a calm tone. Something that Fury never did. Consequently, Maria freaked out internally.
"No one quits S.H.I.E.L.D., Hill. If anything, S.H.I.E.L.D. quits you."
She nodded firmly and held his gaze.
"I know, sir. It's all explained in there, I don't have a choice."
Fury ignored her while he opened the envelope and read her letter, not showing the tinniest reaction to Maria's words, both the spoken and the written ones. After a few seconds, he put the letter down and pursed his lips, unimpressed.
"You state in the letter that your father is very ill and that you desire to take care of him in his final days. That could be arranged with a temporary leave. Please explain why I should approve your resignation based on a lie."
Maria blinked incredulously and frowned.
"It's not a lie, sir. He's been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I'll go back to Chicago and care for him at home."
Fury shook his head, then raised his hand gesturing for her to sit down in front of him. It was obvious he wasn't going to accept a no for an answer, so Maria complied. That's when Fury opened a drawer and grabbed what seemed like a remote. He pressed a button, and then all the electronic devices in the room went dead, including Fury's computer, the security cameras and even the phone Maria was carrying in her pocket. Just like that.
"While I know for a fact that your father's ill, he's a mediocre man," Fury sighed, and Maria's blue eyes flashed with a spark of shame, "a piece of shit that used to beat the crap out of you when you were a kid," Fury continued, his voice low, collected, as if he was stating a simple fact about a mission. "He was the reason you were ready to throw your life away when I met you. So you using him as a decoy to hide the truth only serves to intrigue me even more. Plus, you know the wolves at Congress go over every nickel we spend with our payrolls. I know he's in an institution where he's very well taken care of. And I know you pay for all that, but you haven't talk to him in ten years. God knows the bastard doesn't deserve all the efforts you put into his well-being, but I'm not one to judge. So, now, Maria, start talking, for real this time. It's just you and me."
Hill always knew that lying to her implacable boss was useless. But she had hoped, foolishly, that he would sense the truth and just let her go down easy, sparing her the humiliation. She looked down at her trembling hands and smiled, bitterly, knowing that if someone deserved the truth, it certainly was Nick.
"I'm afraid I've developed feelings for one of my subordinates, sir."
It came out just like that. She didn't even took the time to think about how she should phrase it. She pondered to herself that it was the first time she had said it aloud. And it was here, in her boss's office. She was so pathetic, and she knew that was what Fury was thinking. She was weak, and had made a rookie mistake. And now she was being stupid enough to say it aloud. Her career was over, and Fury would be telling her that in a matter of seconds.
But the Director's reproach never came. Instead, Fury crossed his hands and touched his lips with the tips of his index fingers, regarding her intently.
"I see."
Those two words were the only thing that he said after Maria's confession. And Hill was about to beg him to say something else and stop torturing her with silence, when he added something. A question.
"These... feelings. How would you describe them, exactly?"
Hill was mortified inside, but she knew these questions were unavoidable. She had betrayed Fury's trust, so she had to be as honest as possible, even if every word that came out of her mouth felt like a kick in the ribs.
"I... care about her, sir. That's all I can say. When she's out there, I can't think properly. I don't make the right calls anymore. I should've stepped down the moment I – I'm just… I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir."
Fury didn't comment, he just asked another question.
"Does she know?"
The response was immediate, firm.
"I don't think so, no."
"Have you made any attempts to fraternize?"
"No."
"Has she?"
"Yes. All properly ignored."
Fury closed his eye for a second, deep in thought. He inhaled deeply.
"Protocol Green. You came up with it."
It was a simple statement, but Hill knew all its implications.
"Hill?"
"Yes, sir?"
"If that's the problem, I'll cancel it. Right now."
Hill panicked. This was not how it was supposed to go, why was Fury asking all the wrong questions?
"Sir… I… you can't do that. Protocol Green is the best chance we have to secure the asset."
Fury nodded.
"You designed the strategy, you should know."
"Yes, sir."
The words had never come out of her mouth with such lack of conviction. Something burned inside her throat. The taste of failure, perhaps. No, she'd tasted failure before, and it didn't feel like this, like she was about to throw up her own heart.
Regret? Could it be like this, like her own blood was poisoning her from the inside?
"You're hurting, Hill. I could be looking at you from a mile away with my one eye and I could still see the knot in your stomach."
Maria had never heard Fury speak with such delicacy. The words were spoken with a level of empathy she didn't know Fury had, and if Maria had ever known what a real father was supposed to sound like, perhaps Fury's tone would have reminded her of that.
"I'm… I will be all right, sir. The mission is more important than– than this. Than any of us."
Fury agreed with a low hum from his throat and turned around in his chair.
He got up, holding Hill's resignation letter between his fingers. He looked to the window, gazing upon the Potomac. Hill let her head hang down, she knew what was coming. It was the end. She had hoped he would have the guts to look at her, but apparently she didn't even deserve that.
"Have I ever told you about Carol Danvers?"
Hill looked up, surprised by the change of subject.
"A few times, sir, yes."
Fury played with the letter in his hand, his back to Maria.
"The most exceptional woman I've ever met," he said. "You remind me of her. Like you, Hill, Danvers was brave, resilient, hard-working, always ready to make tremendous sacrifices. The best of the best. There's only one difference between you two."
Maria closed her eyes and swallowed hard, but composed herself before speaking.
"I'm afraid to even ask, sir."
Fury turned to look at her. He was smiling. As much as Nick Fury smiled.
"Her genetic structure was altered due to an accident and she developed incredible powers, becoming half-alien. You, on the other hand, are still human."
Maria sighed, waiting for the final blow. It never came.
"And that's exactly what I need in my team."
Fury hadn't even finished the sentence when he tore the resignation letter in half. He walked to his chair and folded the torn pieces to put them back in the envelope. He handed it back to Maria, whose blue eyes were wide with confusion.
"Go back to your post," he ordered in a tone that left no doubt about how serious he was.
Maria took the envelope in her hand, but she didn't know what to do, what to say, what to feel.
"Sir…?"
Fury rested the palms of his hands against his desk, and locked his eye on Maria.
"Work around this. Or with it. Find the way to let it make you a better agent. Anger, love… it doesn't matter. Both fuel us with equal intensity."
Hill was speechless for a few seconds. She found something to say without stuttering only after registering what Fury had said. It was especially shocking to hear the word 'love' in the Director's voice even if the context wasn't very heartening.
"Sir, I don't understand."
Fury locked his eye on her, and Maria wondered how it was possible for a man with one eye to say so much just with a glare.
"Our enemies are alien species drunk with power, blood-thirsty beings that lurk in the dark corners of the universe feeding their god complex, fascists organizations that know no loyalty but to their own name... we need people on our side who will fight them with their heart, not just their hands. Go back to your post. Be better. Be smarter. Don't turn her into your weakness, Hill, she doesn't deserve that. Let Romanoff become your strength."
Maria's body went rigid (even more) when she heard the name on Fury's voice. It didn't matter now. If he was giving her the opportunity to make things right, she was going to take it. Not like she deserved it, because she had broken the rules. She had failed, even if Fury was ready to forgive her.
As if sensing Maria's inner conflict and distress, Fury's voice changed into the charged, powerful electricity that could convince everyone on S.H.I.E.L.D. they could win a battle even when the odds were against them.
"Repressing our humanity will serve us for nothing. After New York, after everything we've been through, I need agents that are reminded of what we fight for. If we forget who we are, what it means to be human, then we won't be able to defeat what's out there. I know we haven't seen the worst. And I need you here, Maria. The world needs you here. That includes Romanoff."
Fury sat down on his chair and went back to his papers, as if nothing.
"Protocol Green is still a go under your supervision. You're still the best person in this organization to decide whether we should terminate it or not, perhaps now more than ever. If that's a problem for you, then find a way for it not to be one. Now, stop sucking up my time and go back to work. That's an order, Hill. This conversation never happened."
Maria got up from her seat, her torn resignation letter in one hand, her determination and purpose back inside her body, filling her the same way a dehydrated person feels the first sip of water bringing them back to life.
"Yes, sir."
She didn't look back when she left the room.
2015
Avengers Tower
The night Ultron was born
If they were any other regular people on the planet, things would have been awkward as hell between them. After all, a few months ago they had fucked in a bathroom at this same penthouse, where another party was taking place right now. And things hadn't ended precisely well.
But they were two of the most efficient, pragmatic and professional beings in the world.
It was only natural that both of them had swallowed their feelings about what had happened between them and go on about their lives as if nothing.
For different reasons of course, but that, they didn't know.
So Natasha went back to her charming but indecipherable self, enjoying her status as founding member of the Avengers, Earth's mightiest heroes. And Maria just stayed in character, pretending to be the more relaxed, civilian version of ex-agent Hill while she navigated the unbearable routine of a desk job occasionally spiced up by her secret missions aiding Coulson and handling intel for the Avengers.
It wasn't as if her sham of a life didn't have any pros. She had formed an unlikely friendship with Pepper Potts, who was a captivating, intelligent woman despite the fact that she was dating Tony Stark; she was safe from the claws of Washington after the whole S.H.I.E.L.D. is Hydra fiasco thanks to Stark's army of lawyers; and she still had a mission, a purpose, as she kept an eye on the Avengers while Nick remained in hiding. She dated, just to keep appearances. She had meaningless sex with women who she didn't ever call again. She had constructed an almost perfect cover. But still, it wasn't a real life. She missed a lot of things and only two people.
One of them was right in her line of vision, looking utterly gorgeous in a black and white dress, leaning over Stark's personal bar, serving a cocktail to Bruce Banner and looking at him as if she was a spider ready to trap its prey.
Not long ago, Hill had been the one entangled in that web. Jealousy felt like ice in her nape and hurt like an uppercut to the chin.
Still, she knew things were going exactly as planned. She should be proud of herself. Protocol Green was working. But this victory tasted like poison. She had fell upon her own knife, and she deserved the dread she felt looking at Natasha making eyes at Banner and the paralyzing pain that jabbed her chest when she closed her eyes and imagined them together, Natasha sweating under him, saying all those stupid things she murmurs in Russian when she's about to come…
Laughter broke the torture in Maria's brain as Rhodey finished the story of the tank and the general for the umpteenth time.
"Boom! You lookin' for this?"
Maria sighed and reminded herself to act like she was enjoying herself, no matter how much she wanted to jump to the void from one of Stark's balconies.
Because her feelings didn't matter. She was just one person, one tool in a big, scary world that always needed protection from the bad guys. Or itself.
It was all about the mission. She was just one woman.
Maria watched as Natasha left Banner on the bar. He couldn't help but stare at her walking away and that alone made Maria almost throw the drink in her hand at his head.
She was losing focus. It's all about the mission, she repeated in her mind, once again.
Maria adverted her eyes from them and tried to focus her attention on the dull story Rhodey was telling her. It was useless, so she fooled herself by thinking that her interest in Romanoff's and Banner's interaction was out of her desire for Protocol Green to succeed. As she watched Steve looking entranced by Natasha and Banner's awkward flirting, she felt disgust and self-pity beginning to boil in her stomach. Especially when she thought about her role in all that. She had been the one to bring to Steve's attention the exchanges between Romanoff and Banner. She had been the one to suggest perhaps Bruce needed a pet talk from the world's leading authority on 'waiting too long'. And Steve had luckily mistaken her anxiety for the excitement of a friend that wanted to bring two people together.
She had done lots of bad things in her life, it was such an irony that the one that made her feel the dirtiest didn't left any stains on her clothes. It was all about the mission, and still… not even Stark's most expensive whiskey had succeeded at drowning her feelings.
She thought about Nick, then.
'Repressing our humanity will serve us for nothing.' She sighed bitterly and drank the content of her glass in one sip. You fucking asshole, Nick. You fucking liar. You played me years ago. And I deserved it.
She had never wished for any superhuman abilities despite being surrounded by superheroes all the time. But oh, now her slightly intoxicated brain was fantasizing about becoming half-Kree, perhaps, taking upon the title of Captain Marvel, and using her unlimited powers to make everyone else disappear and fuck Natasha on top of Stark's bar until both of them forgot their own names. She would take the bottle of Jameson 18-Year-Old limited reserve Stark keeps in his office and she would spill it over Natasha's breasts while sucking every millimeter of her skin, and then she would spread the Russian's legs and bury her tongue in her sex until her senses were flooded with Natasha's taste, Natasha's sounds, Natasha's perfume, Natasha's sweat melting into her own sweat and Natasha's voice screaming for her to stay there forever. And Maria would, Maria would make love to Natasha until the end of time. That's what she would use her superpowers for. No doubt about it.
In her mind, she was holding Natasha in her arms in the vast infinity of space.
But back to reality, in Stark's victory party, someone was touching her shoulder. And it wasn't a redhead.
"Hey, Hill. Maria?"
"Uh, sorry."
"Where were you?"
"I just… I'm sorry. It's been a long week."
Hill smiled sheepishly at Rhodey and he smiled back, glad to be able to start another War Machine story now he had Maria's attention again.
Maria was able to keep herself from coming up with weird sex fantasies about Natasha for the rest of the night. The desire to punch Bruce Banner in the face, however, was something she couldn't quite repress. Which was wrong because the guy had done nothing wrong – besides playing God and turning himself into an unpredictable killing machine, of course.
The fact that Maria and Natasha remained polite with each other when surrounded by other people didn't mean that they wouldn't always put at least one person between them in meetings, vehicles or social gatherings as this one. When everybody left but the original six and their closest allies, Maria made sure to sat next to Clint and even then, Banner was still trying to hog Natasha's attention. For once, she was grateful, because Clint had sat up to participate in the testosterone driven bet of who could lift Thor's hammer.
When Natasha passed on the test and the guys bickered with each other like cocky teenagers, Rhodhey nodded in her direction.
"Wanna try, Hill?"
She shook her head with a tight-lipped smile.
Thor turned to her with a smug expression on his face after Steve's -almost not- failed attempt.
"If someone in this room could do it besides me, it should be you, Lady Maria."
"Don't be ridiculous, Thor, and please, stop calling me that-"
Tony didn't let her finish.
"C'mon, Hill, give Point Break a break, because he's got a point! You have a beautiful name. In fact, it is the most beautiful sound I ever heard…"
Maria's eyes went wide with annoyance. She left the beer in her hand over the coffee table and pointed a menacing index finger at the billionaire.
"No, Stark, not again!"
But it was too late. Tony began to sing West Side Story's hit song 'Maria', and Hill just covered her eyes with her hands and groaned in pain.
"Mariaaaa, I just kissed a girl named Mariaaa–"
Stark pointed at Clint who unskilfully sang the next verse, the two of them swaying around each other in what seemed like a poor attempt at emulating Broadway's dancing style.
"And suddenly I found how beautiful a sound can beee!"
Tony and Clint mixed their voices in a terrible harmony to sing the next verse.
"Mariaaa, say it loud and there's music playing, say it soft and it's almost like praying…"
And then the whole group sang the final line of the chorus. Everyone, but Natasha, who only smirked at the boys, and Dr. Cho, who watched the performance with a mix of horror and amusement in her face as well as a slightly embarrassed body language.
"Mariaaa, I'll never stop saying Mariaaa!"
Of course Steve and Thor weren't familiarized with West Side Story at first, but Stark had made sure to include it in one of their movie nights, just so they could all properly mock Maria for the rest of her life. The victim had become immune after a while, though, and she just played along to humor them. Maria laughed incredulously at the group and simply shook her head, as if showing them a bit of compassion.
"You guys always manage to make it worse than the last time," she said. "I just hope Maestro Bernstein can't hear you butchering his masterpiece so he doesn't get up from his grave to haunt you all."
Stark made no effort to look offended.
"Years ago, I sang it to Rita Moreno at a party and she said my low notes were on point," he retorted, "and speaking of lows," he cleared his throat, "what happened between you and the hot blonde from accounting? I've been dying to get you properly drunk to ask."
"Oh, that transition was very tasteful, Stark," Clint said as he rolled his eyes, but Maria was already back with her walls up in the form of nonchalant sarcasm.
"Well, not that it is any of your business, boss, but it simply didn't work."
Tony blinked twice, then smiled. Like a creep.
"That's not what Pepper told me."
Clint made a long oh sound and it was Maria's turn to roll her eyes.
"Ah, that little snitch," Maria sighed.
"But – what happened, Lady Maria? I was the one supposed to perform your union, remember? Asgardian weddings last for five days and five nights… it would've been so much fun." Thor looked genuinely disappointed.
Maria sighed again visibly tired of being surrounded by all these men-children.
"Thor, just please get rid of the 'Lady' thing already, and I'm sorry, but that was self-appointed, I never intended on marrying someone I dated for a few months. I never intended to marry, period."
Tony took a random glass of champagne from the coffee table and smirked at Maria.
"See, I knew you were a player since the day I met you but I never thought you were the type that enjoyed breaking pretty girl's hearts… you know, like me?"
"Whoa, wait a minute, she was the one that left me!" Hill regretted the words the moment she saw everybody in the room staring at her.
Stark took a sip of his champagne. Then, he dropped the bomb.
"Because you told her there was someone else."
The room was silent for a few seconds, eyebrows rose to unprecedented highs and only one person in the room wasn't showing any kind of reaction to Stark's words. Romanoff, of course, eyeing Hill with green eyes darker than usual. Thor frowned, lost in translation by the technicalities of human relationships, and Maria just wanted the ground beneath her feet to open up and give her an easy way out.
"That's not – I didn't – I – I made that up!" Hill blurted out.
Her words didn't make it better.
"What? Why would you do that?" Banner asked her, genuinely confused.
"And you told her that though it could never happen with that other mysterious woman you seem to be so hooked on…" Stark explained, enjoying himself far too much, "gorgeous, perfect Rachel would never be enough."
Clint was the one to judge this time.
"Wow, that's fucked up, Hill, poor girl."
"What? I never told her that!" Hill defended herself with the truth. She was stuttering more in one minute than in her whole life.
Stark simply shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I know, but she's pretty upset so she's telling different stories about you, they're just her theories I guess but let me tell you, she's maaad. And I liked that story the most because it tells me how little she knew you: Maria Hill, a hopeless romantic, yeah, right… " Stark turned around looking at the group for sympathy. Clint and Bruce nodded to Tony. Thor tilted his head, reevaluating his assumptions about Maria. Steve just stared at her, frowning. And Rhodey and Cho had the decency of looking uncomfortable. Natasha, on the other hand, was unreadable, but a patient observer would had noticed the slight, almost imperceptible trembling of her lower lip, "…that would be a chimera as wild as teletransportation. Believe me, I tried," Tony continued. He finished his glass and picked another one from the table. It was wine, this time. There were fingertips on the glass. He didn't even care. He took another sip. No one stopped him. "You're making a name for yourself, anyway. The legend of Blue Eyes from Security. Men envy you, women fall for you… I'm just jealous. Is it true you had a threesome with the two hotties from Pepper's press office? You know, Barb and the other? Whatshername… Monica?"
Rhodey got up from his seat on the couch and touched Stark's elbow gently.
"Tony…"
"I'm just saying, I'm glad someone's taking care of my legacy now I'm committed and happy with Pepper. I'm proud to say 53 percent of the staff at Stark Industries identify as female and I sleep better knowing they're in good hands. Yours, to be specific. Just maybe try to be more discreet so your legend doesn't surpass mine, I can't compete now, it's not fair."
"Tony, c'mon, this isn't funny anymore," Rhodey insisted.
Then, it was actually Romanoff's voice that made Tony stop rambling.
"Stark, that's enough."
Everybody looked at the redhead, who had a very serious look in her face. Maria couldn't decide what to feel at the intensity of Natasha's glare on Stark, so she looked down to her feet and tried to calm her beating heart.
Tony smiled at the Russian.
"Oh, Natalie, you're no fun."
It wasn't Natasha who spoke, then. It was the Black Widow.
"I just find it mildly infuriating when men get together to pick on a woman. Remember Hill is your employee now and she is potentially a very expensive sexual harassment lawsuit if you don't keep your mouth shut. So, stop it. Now, please." The fact that Natasha ended her intervention with a smile was what finally made everyone hold their breath.
Fortunately, Stark finally gave up, putting the glass down and accepting defeat.
"God, I always forget you worked here as Fury's little mole and Pepper taught you everything…" He raised his hands apologetically and looked at Maria, "ok, I'm sorry, I'm sorry but uh – Hill, you don't really mind, do you, hotshot? You know I'm just messing with you. You're one of us, one of the guys."
For a few seconds, Maria was silent. Her jaw was clenched and she considered grabbing the gun hidden in her thigh, give Tony a good scare… but that would've been too much. She finally said something. She didn't smile at him.
"Asshole."
Everyone released a collective sigh of relief. Even some of them chuckled softly at the exchange of words between Hill and Stark, back to their game of pretending they got on each other's nerves.
"You love me."
Maria scoffed.
"You're delusional."
"I'm the little brother you never had."
"Little?"
Clint took the chance to bring things back to the original topic.
"That's accurate. Tony Stark, little man who couldn't lift Mjolnir."
"Oh, no, that's not how it is. All deference to the man who wouldn't be king, but it's rigged," Tony stated."
"You bet your ass," and Clint agreed.
Maria looked at Steve and seized the opportunity.
"Steve, he said a bad language word."
Now, she wasn't the one mortified. Steve shook his head and looked at Stark.
"Did you tell everyone about that?"
"The handle's imprinted, right?" Tony quickly got back to his brand new obsession. "Like a security code. 'Whosoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints' is, I think, the literal translation?"
"Yes, well that's, uh, that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one." Thor got up with a proud expression on his face. Too proud. He took Mjolnir easily in his hand and flipped it in the air.
"You're all not worthy."
A chorus of disagreement and scoffs was interrupted by a loud screeching noise.
The prodigal son was about to make his entrance. Hill would always remember the voice, from then on, the confusion and the primal fear she felt when she first heard it speak.
"Worthy... No... How could you be worthy? You're all killers."
When Ultron's minions attacked, Maria thought old habits never die and her first instinct was to fire upon those who targeted Natasha so she could provide cover for her. Ultron succeeded in distracting them long enough to escape with Loki's sceptre.
Weeks later, after going back for the old helicarrier, after Sakovia and with a new Avengers facility up and running, she would think about the irony of that night.
She always thought that was the moment she finally accepted that she had lost Natasha forever, when her first instinct was to protect her and Natasha's was to run with Banner. She was absolutely positive of it when she was pulling out little pieces of glass from her bloodied feet in Stark's lab while the group was trying to wrap their heads around the concept of Ultron.
But she was wrong. It wouldn't be up until Banner disappeared and Natasha found out the truth that she really, really understood how far she had pushed Natasha away from her.
2015
New Avengers Facility
2 weeks after the battle of Sokovia
"Protocol Green is terminated."
The sentence took Maria out of her reverie. She was thinking about that one time, years ago, when she walked into Fury's office in the Triskelion to hand her resignation. What would have happened if she had been brave enough to leave? She was never a fan of obsessing over 'what ifs', but lately her conscience was playing tricks on her.
Now she was in Fury's new office, wearing a new Avengers uniform. Black and blue, it suited her. She'd missed this, she'd miss him, but she didn't miss butting heads with him.
"Sir, I beg your pardon?"
Fury was looking at a tablet with the information of an energy reading consistent with a crash in the Banda sea. The Quinjet, perhaps. But there was no way to be sure.
"It's up to you whether we reveal the information to Romanoff and the others, but I'd like to come clean. After all, it was something that we set up on S.H.I.E.L.D., and this should be a new beginning for everyone. New place, new team, new methods."
Maria couldn't fathom the agony she felt in her stomach.
"Sir… you can't be serious."
Fury sighed.
"I knew you'd have your reservations."
Hill scoffed and her hands rested on her hips, the soldier within her no longer holding her back.
"Well, if you want them to not trust me ever again, then please, by all means, tell them everything."
Fury got up from his chair and began to walk towards the door, Maria following behind.
"We need to be able to know what each and everyone of us has been up to, Hill. If this Ultron fiasco has taught us anything is that we can't have any side projects, and whatever we do, we do it together, all cards on the table."
"You sound like Steve."
"He's beginning to rub off on me, yes."
When Fury was about to step out of his office, Maria intercepted him placing her arm on the door. He had no choice but to look at her. He didn't seem pleased.
"So you're going to throw me under the bus for the sake of transparency."
"I said it was your choice, Hill," Fury replied, his tone low and collected, trying to counterbalance Hill's uneasiness.
"With all due respect, sir, that's bullshit. I've made tremendous sacrifices for the sake of Protocol Green and now you're telling me all these years were for nothing?" Hill murmured through gritted teeth.
"I'm not saying that. We knew Banner was unstable. Every day we managed to keep him in the team was a success. Every day mattered. He saved countless lives in Sakovia. If these three years is all we got, we should be grateful. He was contained and he was helping the cause."
Maria crossed her arms over her chest, defensively.
"Then let me lead a team to Indonesia. Let me bring him back. We can't let him loose in the world, just like that."
"He managed to keep the monster at bay before, he'll do it again," Fury retorted.
"You're throwing away the project you asked me to supervise for years."
Fury sighed annoyed with himself more than anything. He should've known Hill wouldn't let this go easily.
"He won't come with you. He wanted to disappear, do you understand what that means? We knew we'd never be able to contain him, we knew he had to stay by his own will… what do you think he's going to do the moment he sees you arriving with a team armed to the teeth?"
Maria finally let free the frustration, the anger and the regret she was holding back inside her.
"I don't know! But at least it will mean something! You knew how I felt about this and yet you talked me into going through with it. And now you're asking me to just wipe it all out, all the things I've said, all the things I've done… It can't be for nothing. Do you know what you're asking of me, Nick?"
Fury looked at her. Hill was glad that his eye didn't show pity, but true understanding.
"Yes. And it's not like you didn't know what it would take. I told you it was your decision. You never called it off. You never asked me to stop it. And now he's decided to leave, so it's finally over. The simple truth, Hill, is that she was enough for you to stay. She wasn't enough for him."
Maria was speechless now and the only thing she could do was scoff in incredulity and shake her head, suddenly finding it very hard to breath.
She needed to get out of there. She needed to find something to do. Supervise shipments, train some rookies until midnight, get laid with anyone that would make her forget Romanoff if only for a few seconds, go for a 2 hour run or find a mission on the other side of the world…
She just couldn't look at Nick. She knew he would be going to Romanoff with the lead on Banner. She knew they would find a new routine. She knew they would become a team again a new threats would come up and she just couldn't, wouldn't see herself going back to how things were three years ago: to just pretend Romanoff wasn't under her skin seemed like a torture far too crueler than that one time the Talibans waterboarded her in Afghanistan for days. She opened the door and was ready to leave Fury's office when his voice called behind her.
"This isn't S.H.I.E.L.D. anymore. This is the Avengers. We get to make new rules, or have no rules at all. She's not your subordinate now, she's your equal. There's nothing holding you back now."
Maria scoffed bitterly and shook her head, mad at herself when she felt her eyes wet.
"Oh, nothing, you say?"
Fury put a hand on her shoulder.
"You did what you had to. She'll understand."
Maria jerked away from his touch.
"DON'T – please, don't. What– God…" she sighed, still holding the door. Her head hung down and she closed her eyes when she felt the first tear falling down her cheek. She smiled, but there was only bitterness in her eyes. She looked at him, not caring anymore. "I never thought I'd say this and live to tell it, Nick, but please, just fuck off."
Nick nodded, as if she had asked him for the simplest thing.
"As you wish," he said.
And with that Hill stormed out, and Fury just watched her walk away, adding the moment to the list of things he could have managed better.
He had no doubt that Romanoff would forgive them, in time, but he wasn't so sure about Hill being able to do the same with him.
Romanoff found her three and a half hours later, beating up rookies in the gym. Natasha had just finished training with Steve and the new group. Something had been bugging her after her little chat with Fury, but she promised herself she would look for Maria after the session. Leaving the new Avengers in the hands of Steve Rogers for their first lesson would have been highly irresponsible. Steve was an outstanding leader, but a far too compassionate teacher, and Natasha loved to play their game of good cop, bad cop, especially with Sam and Rhodey (Wanda and Vision, on the other hand, seemed utterly unimpressed).
When she got to the gym, something twisted in her stomach when she saw Hill dressed in workout shorts and a black tank top, sweat covering her skin, making the biceps in her arms shine obscenely under the artificial light. Hill was barefoot on the ring, her fingers and wrists protected by hand wraps made with white tape, her hair getting everywhere and out of her messy ponytail.
Natasha's mouth watered and she decided to watch from the shadows, at least for a few minutes. The fact that she still felt lust for Maria wasn't a surprise. What the Russian didn't expect was the desire to jump in the ring and throw punches at her.
The show wasn't particularly appealing until Hill got tired of winning round after round and ordered them to attack her in groups of four. At first, everyone hesitated. When bodies started falling to the mat and Hill yelled at them to 'get in the game!', things got more interesting. The group attacking her divided their efforts: three of them got a hold of Maria's arms and neck while the other was able to land a punch to her face, breaking her lower lip. When the rookie was startled by the appearance of blood in his superior's face, Maria seized the opportunity to throw a kick to his crotch. With one of them out, she squatted down into a strong stance, then leaned forward and bent her elbows quickly towards her attackers, first the one on the right, then the one on the left, until they couldn't keep holding her wrists. Classic Jiu-Jitsu move. She then proceeded to fake the intention of pulling down on the arm of the one holding her neck. When he took the bait and tried to pull her towards him, she launched herself backwards using both her weight and her opponent's, falling on top of the poor guy's lungs. The other two launched one final uncoordinated attack, and it was over in four seconds.
"Again!"
Maria's voice echoed through the gym and a symphony of groans followed. Natasha frowned. Maria wasn't even enjoying the moment. This was no ordinary sparring session, she wanted to exhaust herself. She didn't even acknowledge her bleeding lip. Her eyes looked lost. There was no pedagogy here. There was only sweat and blood.
Natasha knew something was wrong, but she couldn't quite place it yet. She stepped out of the shadows.
"Perhaps you should let them hit the showers, Hill. It's past midnight, after all. I'll be your dancing partner, if you wish."
Hill didn't say a thing. She just stood there in all her glory; hands on hips, swollen lip and sweating muscles and God, Natasha really wanted to hit her. Or fuck her. Or both.
"I'm gonna take that as a yes. All of you, dismissed. Get some rest. You've earned it."
There was a choir of thank yous and some lingering looks toward the Black Widow. Hill rolled her eyes, Natasha enjoyed to feed everyone's infatuation with her far too much. Some things never changed.
Hill walked over to the corner of the ring where her towel was hanging. She grabbed it to dry her face and arms.
"If I can't have my toys, I'm leaving the playground. I've got an early morning meeting, anyway."
"Don't you dare step down from that ring, Hill."
Maria turned around and put the towel over her neck, not meeting Natasha's eyes.
"Romanoff, I'm serious."
"Me too. You owe me."
Natasha walked to the ring and Maria sighed, understanding there was no way out of the one thing she'd been avoiding. The look of determination on Romanoff's face was the same one she had that night that haunted Maria in her dreams. Maria remembered Natasha devouring her with her eyes before she devoured her quite literally.
"Any rules?" Hill simply asked.
"Yes. No rules."
Hill threw the towel away and stretched her neck.
"Good."
It had been a very long time. The dancing lessons, as Natasha used to call them, had stopped after their encounter in the Avengers Tower. It was a shame, because they've always had a natural synchrony. Maria had strength, but Natasha had reach. Maria had speed, Natasha had instinct.
Romanoff used to get more wins, but Maria learned pretty quickly and remembered all the moves and the weak spots, so the more they did it, the harder it got for both of them. After all, nothing came easy between them, and that was probably an understatement.
After a few minutes of tentative moves, one of Natasha's signature leg locks brought Maria down. Natasha didn't remove her legs from Maria's neck when they both fell ungraciously to the mat.
"This is nice," the redhead smirked, both women on the floor.
Maria lowered her eyebrows with apparent disgust.
"Shut up."
There was a second of hesitance, but then Natasha's flirtatious tone came back with a vengeance, as if months of avoiding each other never had happened.
"I remember the last time you told me to shut up. You said it in Russian. That was very nice, too."
"For fuck's sake, Romanoff, let go of me."
Hill's voice should've sounded angry, but she was just tired.
Romanoff complied sensing the defeat in Maria's voice. Hill went back to her corner, picked her bottle water and drank from it like she just had been for a walk in the desert. She was thirsty in more ways than one. She poured the remaining water over her head.
The water stained her tank top and Natasha could see the way it dripped from her nose, her chin, how it drew grooves on her chest… Natasha closed her eyes, breathed in deeply and murmured something in Russian to herself.
Hill didn't notice. Or pretended she didn't.
"What's going on with you, Hill?" Natasha asked, still sitting on the mat, her eyes narrowed trying to find the piece that was missing from this Maria puzzle.
"Please, Romanoff, go find someone else to play games with. I'm not in the mood."
"A game? That's what I am to you?" Natasha's look of hurt made Hill disgusted with herself, but she didn't say a word. The redhead relaxed a bit when she saw Maria's eyes flashing with regret.
Natasha crossed her legs and straightened her back. She looked at Maria with narrowed eyes. Perhaps it was time to ask the questions that had been burning in the back of her mind for weeks… months, even. Maria was sitting on a little wood stool on the corner, unwrapping her hands, failing at the attempt of pretending she didn't mind Natasha's presence.
"What Tony said at the party…" Natasha began, tentatively, "is it true? Are you fucking every woman you can at Stark Industries? That's so unlike you. So unlike the Agent Hill I used to know, anyway."
The spy's tone held no reproach, no anger. Natasha looked at Maria like someone who's trying to decipher an ancient hieroglyph, filled with curiosity and wonder. Hill couldn't allow herself to look at those green eyes that had disarmed her before. She just focused herself on trying to unwrap her hands without showing how much they were trembling.
"You've done a lot of things that feel odd, I guess. Or perhaps I don't know you as well as I thought." How Natasha's voice changed when she let her walls down. Maria hated it when Natasha's usually husky voice turned into a thin thread because it usually meant she was beating herself up over something that most probably wasn't even her fault. That was the case. But it only got worse.
"Why did you ask me to stop?" Natasha said with what could only be utter sadness. "Why did you leave?"
Maria couldn't help it when she stopped breathing. Every muscle in her body tensed, and she had to stop herself from screaming out in pain. That was how much it hurt to hear Natasha saying these things, to not be able to speak the truth. If she could… what would she say?
Some stupid, cheesy speech? Something like this: "Nat, leaving is all I know. Running is how I survived. I ran and ran and I never looked back. I've done a lot of shit in my life. You know it. I've seen people who swore to defend freedom killing innocents because they looked different, and I couldn't – no, I just didn't do anything. I've tortured people to get information out of them, not minding whether they were guilty or not. I've tried to drown my memories in alcohol for days and nights until all I wanted to do was crawl out of my own skin and disappear forever. I've killed, I've lied, I've infiltrated, I've been tortured, I've been shot… they almost starved me to death once. I was a soldier, but I never believed in just following orders, and still, I did things I'm not proud of in the name of the mission. Like I did with you. I was a soldier, but I wasn't born one. When I was seven, I crawled under a barbed-wire fence and I almost ripped the skin of my back in the process, just so I could escape my drunk father and his belt… Am I still running from him? I don't know. Leaving is all I know, running is how I survived. But it doesn't matter. Because despite it all, despite each fucking day I thought things couldn't get worse, leaving you behind in that bathroom… that was the hardest thing I've done in my life. You were all I ever wanted and I had to walk away from you. You ask me why, and I can't explain why because if I had to do it all over again knowing how I'd feel each time I saw you looking at Banner and not me, I would hold you in my arms and I would never, ever, let you go."
A mean voice inside of her head whispered the word 'Pathetic'.
So Maria channeled her Ice Queen persona and shrugged at Natasha's question.
"I told you. So we fucked, and that was it, what is so hard to understand?"
Natasha regarded her with intensity.
"Right," the redhead whispered, skeptically.
Somehow, that got on Maria's nerves. And that was her doom.
Filled with sudden rage (at herself, at Natasha for asking so many questions, at Fury, at her fucking joke of a life, at the thought of her father dying in a warm bed in an institution where she paid people to treat him with the humanity he hadn't shown her as a child), she threw the empty bottle at the wall, kicked the stool out of the ring and raised her voice far too loud.
"It's that simple, Romanoff. Fuck, if you don't like it, I can't do anything about it! This is who I am."
And seeing her there, blue eyes filled with frustration, regret and self-disgust, it all clicked on Natasha's brain. She ignored the words and just focused on those eyes. And she finally saw it… And she laughed, the Russian laughed bitterly before Maria's confused eyes. She had been a fool. The best spy in the world, beaten at her own game. And Natasha laughed, and laughed until there were tears in her eyes and she couldn't see Maria's face anymore so she had to wipe them and put a hand to her beating heart and the laugh turned into a sob, just once, and then she stopped and got up and pulled at her own hair, raving mad, because yes, she had been a complete fool.
"It was a long con," Natasha said, at last, with a tight-lipped smile that didn't reach her eyes. "The girlfriend, the women, the desk job… for a long time… I really bought it all."
Maria just stared at her, speechless and wide-eyed.
"Banner's gone, but you already know that," Romanoff accused. She took a step towards Hill, determination and purpose back in her body language. "Why did you do it, Maria?"
Hill swallowed hard and took a step backwards, without thinking.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Maria's voice faltered, and Natasha smiled, and this time it was the Black Widow staring at her. It was over now, all cards were on the table.
Natasha was a couple of steps away from her now but Maria already felt trapped. There was no threat in Natasha's voice when she spoke, she sounded just hurt. Lost. Disappointed.
"I never thought… I never thought you'd be the one manipulating me. Guess it serves me right. You pimped me out to him. This is something the Red Room would do. Not S.H.I.E.L.D., not Fury, not… not you. I trusted you."
It was worse than her broken lip. Maria even bit unconsciously on her wound and when she felt the taste of blood, she felt the rage building up again. She always had to make it about herself… she, she, she, always in her head, always in her mind… Fuck.
"Would you please stop it, Romanoff?!" Hill finally blurted out. "You're not the fucking center of the Universe, not everything's about you, not everybody daydreams about you, not every fucking thought in my mind is of you!"
Natasha scoffed and frowned.
"Why are you mad at me? You used me. I should be the one yelling, not you."
An accusing finger was pointed at the redhead and Maria had to pace around the ring in order to stop herself from running away. They were dancing again. It was another combat, even if there was no physical contact.
"I didn't use you, Natasha, you were the one that dragged me to that bathroom and ripped my underwear in half and you were the one that risked it all and I had to make sure the mission didn't fail!"
Maria didn't care if anyone heard. She was fed up with everyone, everything. If the rookies were trembling in the locker room, afraid to come out, it was their problem. If Fury was watching everything through the security cameras, it was his fucking problem. If Steve was eavesdropping in the corner, ready to guilt-trip her, it was his stupid problem. She needed to stop caring because when she cared for them, she forgot how to care for herself.
"So that's what's important to you. The only thing. The mission. That's why you broke my heart."
Maria had to scoff at the irony of the sentence and its timing.
"Please, don't make me laugh, the deadly Black Widow doesn't have a heart."
Natasha paused for a moment, then she crossed her arms over her chest.
"You broke it. So you proved I had one, at some point."
It was time for Maria's turn to laugh out loud with poisoned sarcasm.
"Yes, that's why Protocol Green worked so bad."
Natasha frowned.
"Protocol Green? You had a name for it?" The redhead sighed and shook her head slowly. "Nick really is a bastard."
She shouldn't have, she shouldn't have but she couldn't help herself.
"It wasn't Nick's idea. It was mine."
Natasha just looked at her, frozen. So Maria just confessed it all, and it didn't felt good, but it felt right.
"He assigned me the task of planning Banner's recruitment strategy. I was the best recruiter S.H.I.E.L.D. had, but Nick knew he wouldn't stay unless he had a good reason. We couldn't convince a guy who had tried to kill himself several times to fight for ideals, or glory, or even redemption. He had to find something else. Something more… tangible. I knew you were our best chance from the very beginning. I knew you would appeal to his humanity. That you would understand him, somehow, and that he would be drawn to you inevitably. Classic Beauty and the Beast story. But for it to work, it had to be genuine. The beast would have smelled your fear, otherwise. It was a long shot, but Fury thought it was genius. So when you… when we – I made a mistake. And then I did what I had to."
Natasha was at a loss of words, but when she did find them, they were tinted with harshness.
"And I thought I was the monster."
Maria couldn't hold back. The pain, the jealousy, the sadness, it all came back at the same time to suffocate her.
"Please, I said I didn't want anything else with you after a quick fuck. It's not like I dropped you in his bed. I never told you to jump in the shower with him or convince him to run away."
Natasha's eyes went wide with shock.
"You… you were listening."
Maria shrugged her shoulders and kept on rambling like an asshole.
"Of course we were. We had to make sure you didn't tear each other apart after your first encounter with Wanda. Oh, so you know Fury but you didn't assume Barton's house was bugged? Don't pretend to be so naive, Romanoff! And you come here and try to rip the truth out of me when you knew, deep down you knew, and you still went along with it. And yeah, he's gone now, but if he hadn't been that selfish, if he had taken you up on that offer of running away together, we wouldn't be having this conversation, right, Natasha? You wouldn't even think of me, not even for a second. You'd be on a beach in Fiji sucking Banner's green co–"
It was a strange choice. A person who could kill her with the tip of her pinkie slapped her face, the palm of her hand leaving the red marks of her fingers in her skin. It wasn't the smartest way to inflict pain. But it worked. It worked so well on Maria, who felt shame, and guilt and loss through the slight burning in her cheek.
And the worst came with Natasha's broken voice.
"I hate you."
Maria said the only thing that could be said. The truth.
"I know."
"I hate you, Hill, I hate you," Natasha said again, and this time it felt like a mantra, like something she needed to repeat to herself in order to believe it but ended up echoing in the air with the menace of a question mark.
Maria nodded slowly, and felt like her body was going to collapse.
"You should. We have that in common."
That seemed to break Natasha inside even more. She closed her eyes.
"Maybe I knew, deep down," Natasha nodded to herself and when she raised her head to look at Maria, her eyes were glassy and her look tore Maria's chest in half. "Maybe you're right. Perhaps I wanted to go along with it because I needed to hurt you…" Natasha took a step towards Maria, then another, and then, another, and she only stopped when she was close enough for Maria to hear her even when she spoke in the weakest of voices. "I wanted to hurt you. Tell me, did I?"
Maria looked down at her, thinking that at least she owed Natasha being brave enough to hold her gaze. They were so close they could feel each other's breaths on their mouths. Maria didn't dare to move away as she answered the question.
"Yes."
Natasha nodded. She never blinked. She looked in Maria's eyes, searching for something. But whatever it was, she didn't find it, apparently.
"Good."
And with that, Natasha turned away and left the gym, leaving Hill standing alone in the ring, frozen, unable to move or cry or scream.
That's when Maria knew. It wasn't that night after fighting a murder bot. This was the day she lost her. Today. Once the truth was exposed. And she deserved it, she deserved to lose her.
Because the mean voice inside her head repeated those words she'd been screaming at herself for years.
Leaving is all I know. Running is how I survived.
Maria knew she had to stay put. She knew she just had to wait in the room until Natasha was far away from her. Do nothing, let her go, just hold still.
But it wasn't in her nature.
So Hill ran.
She ran like she had done so many times before, under fire. She ran as fast as that little girl that knew what was coming if daddy got his hands on her. She ran for her life, like she'd done so many times on missions for S.H.I.E.L.D., going after Loki, rescuing Natasha and Steve from Hydra…
The thing that changed this one time was that she wasn't running away from anything.
She was running towards it.
She found her walking towards the command center, on the main hall of the building, the one place where the Avengers facility crawled with people any time of the day or night: agents, security arcs, people coming and going, shipments coming in and out, teams arriving to report and teams leaving for a mission… and she didn't care this time. She'd learn the lesson.
She said her name, and she realized then how fast she'd go because the word left her lips with total shortness of breath.
"Natasha…"
The redhead turned around. Her eyes red, her mouth half-open when she saw the look on Maria's face.
She didn't react when Hill finally closed the distance between them. There was no hesitation, only purpose and clarity. It all happened so fast. With one final step, Maria cupped the Russian's surprised face and kissed her. It was one swift motion. It was a statement, in the middle of the hall, with everyone freezing and looking at them with what could only be described as collective perplexity.
It was quite a picture: Maria Hill in shorts and a tank top, sweating and panting, holding the Black Widow in her arms, and said Black Widow leaving marks on Hill's arms as she dug her fingernails in her skin. They were aggressively making out. In the middle of the hall. At 12.24 am. And some agents had to rub their eyes to even try to begin to understand what was going on.
Maria didn't relax when Natasha kissed her back. She entangled one of her hands in the auburn locks, she made sure Natasha felt her tongue not asking permission to invade her mouth, she moaned against her and she pressed their chests together so the other woman could feel how fast her heart was beating. Her lip was bleeding again because of the friction, but Natasha didn't seem to mind.
The kiss, and the caresses and the deep breaths and the moans went on, and on and on. And Maria only pulled back when she felt the world around them starting to turn again. It lasted so long, it was so unequivocally passionate, that everyone had to awkwardly ignore them and go back to whatever they were doing.
Maria had never seen Natasha's smile so wide.
"Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable," the redhead murmured only for Maria to hear, never letting go of the taller woman's waist.
Maria laughed.
"Oh, I know…"
Blue eyes flashed with mischief as they met green, and they kissed again.
