Author's Notes :
The music I recommend for reading this chapter is Toradora – After School the Blue Sky.
Chapter two :
Real Emotion
I thought a good night sleep can at least ease this guilt i have for him. How i was wrong. It's 7 a.m. now, I'm squatting on the floor of my coop, feeding my chickens and ducks.
"Hey Summer...", I said to one of my chicken, stroking its feather while it feeds eagerly from my hands. "You look so happy everyday... it's easy being an animal, huh? I feel so blue right now."
I sigh. Again. For God knows how many times in only one hour. And i know if i keep this any longer, i will go crazy. I can't stop thinking about Chase, really worried about him. To not to know how he is isn't making it any easier. So i hurry on, picking up some eggs and whistle for my horse, riding it to the Flute Fields.
It's still very early when i arrived in front of his house, and I can see his light is off from the darkness behind his thin curtains. I know he once said to me he's usually an early riser, but maybe he's still sleeping now... i decided to knock once. If he doesn't answer, i will leave.
So i knock.
"Chase... it's me.", i said, waiting.
I heard a shuffle of his sandals from inside, and he opens the door.
God, he looks awful. He looks really tired, black bags under his eyes and all. I knows his work schedule always make him tired in the morning, but not usually like this.
"Come in.", he said in a low voice, avoiding my gaze. He steps aside and i walk in.
His living room is dim, only a little sunlight peeking from his windowsill light up the room a little bit. I sit onto his wooden chair and put my basket of eggs onto the small table. Come to think of it, this is the first time i come into his house. I always talk to him inside the inn or the bar, when he's busy with his cooking. My farm work and all that stuff usually can't make me visit him in the morning anyway. Today is an exception.
Chase taking a seat opposite of me, looking at the floor.
"I bring some eggs for you.", i said, smiling at him.
"Thank you.", he said, looking at me only to avoid my gaze again shortly after. Is he still mad at me? i feel my heart sink a little. We never have been awkward like this before. He always has things to say, nice or not.
"I'm really sorry Chase—"
"No. I'm sorry."
He cuts me off. I blink at him, surprised. He's looking at me now, with torn expression on his face.
"I was angry last night... but not really about you apologized for me. It's about something else. Hell, it's not because of you at all. I'm just—there's just so much that—"
He's looking at the floor again, struggling for words.
"I have been thinking for so long, thinking, and thinking again about it but doing absolutely nothing. I guess it's just stressing me out. Yesterday, what Maya did was really just a small thing that makes everything... not bearable anymore."
He stops again. I can see he's trying his best to explain himself, so i patiently wait, even if i don't really understand what it is he tries to explain to me.
He looks at me again.
"You are not only my best friend. You are my only friend... and the only one i need, i suppose. I don't care what other people think or say about me. I know i never really think or watch what i say to people, or what they say or do to me either, but... yesterday, i know this might be stupid... but I'm afraid, if you know what's in that vial, you won't come to see me more often like before."
My heart sank.
Chase... do you really think i will do that? even if i know what it is, the reason i come to the inn was to see you and talk with you... how can you seriously think i only come for your juice.. or your cooking?
" It's not the reason why i always come to see you. I love talking to you... i think you know that.", i said.
I love when he talks about his cooking in a passionate way that is his, and his funny but sometimes nasty remark about almost anything. i find it refreshing, and it always make my day. He always makes me smile. And it saddens me that he doesn't know how he makes me happy.
"I - people usually just address me for my cooking. It's like my identity, i guess. Aside from that, i know i'm not the nicest person in this town, and i know how they think about me, but i don't really care. But yesterday, seeing you care about what Toby might feel instead of mine really makes me angry. I just can't think straight..."
He looks away again, trying to hide his hurt that exuding from his eyes. But i see it all, and his words slowly sinking into me.
"You are so nice to everyone, But you are all i have... and i want to have. And it's been killing me to not know this... Do i, even a little bit, is special to you?"
He asks, running his hands to his hair in frustration.
I hate to see him hurt like this, and what I hate the most is I'm the one causing him to feel like this. A single tear escapes my eyes. He still won't look at me. If only he knows how much he means to me... if only he knows how his pain hurts me more than anything else like now, if only he knows how much—
I put my hands in front of my face, trying to fight back tears that are more to come. But a few sobs escapes me, and he calls on my name.
"Hikari?"
I do what i only want to do right now. I stand up, walking towards him and touch his face. I can see him through my tears, and can see the pain and concern in his eyes. I give his head a big embrace, and my heart embraces his along with me.
I can feel him just stay still for a while, before starts to hug me back slowly around my waist, burying his face to the side of my neck. I feel so warm, and i hope he is too. This is the least i can do for him right now.
His words touch me like no one else ever has. It embodies everything i love about him; his straightforwardness and his honesty never fail to impress me and his emotions always reach my heart.
"I have nothing to forgive, Chase... and the only reason i apologize to Toby yesterday is because of this-"
I choke back a sob.
"I always knew, deep inside, how you really are. Everyone has flaws, but your flaws is something that people will see easily, and judge you easily too. Maybe you don't care, but i do. I care about everything about you, more than you ever know. I don't want them to misjudge you and i want them to understand... how amazing you really are. And to see them... can't understand.. it frustrates me. It really frustrates me."
"I love you, Chase. I care about you more than anyone i know, and i want you to know that."
I cry openly now, and his hug on my waist tightened. He's shaking and I stroke his hair, and can feel how soft it is.
After a while he calms down, and starts to talk again, putting his chin onto my shoulder. His embrace never loosens.
"I never have any family... someone that cares about me, or someone i care about before. I'm not good about things like that, because i never know how. But you make me learn, Hikari."
He stops for a while, seems to be deep in thought.
"I'm saving up money right now. I maybe want to open my own restaurant when the time comes..."
"Where? Here in Castanet?", i ask him.
"No... it doesn't feel right to open it here, because it means i will have to compete with the inn and the bar."
My heart sank. He's going to leave?
"I might find a city not far from here. Master Yolanda is here, and i want to keep studying no matter what. There's still so much i have to learn from her, even if i already do well myself."
He releases the hug then, looking up at me.
"What I'm saying is, when the time comes, will you come with me?"
My heart soars in a way i can never describe. Is it possible that so much happiness and so much love for one person cause you pain? For me, it is. My tears won't stop, so i desperately cover my nose and mouth with my hands again. He keeps looking at me, seemed worry and unsure whether my tears mean good or not.
So i nod.
And his smile i see after that is the one i will never forget. It is pure happiness, the one i never seen from here before. He holds my palm and pulls it from my face then, and i can feel that his palms are softer than mine. I am a farmer, after all. Feeling self conscious, i try to pull it away from him but he holds it still from my face, his other hand sneak behind my neck and brings my face down to his, and he kisses me.
Just warm, long and tender kisses that say everything left unsaid, and make me feel safe and whole.
We hug for a long time after, until my stomach grumble and he cooks me something. I close my eyes, resting my head on my arms on his table, listening to the comforting voice of his knife onto the chopping board. I feel so whole then, and so happy.
EPILOGUE
After that day, he comes to the farm in the morning almost every day. He helps me water the crops and harvest my fruit trees. I said he can take as many oranges as he wants but he insist on only taking three, taking it to my kitchen and always makes me orange juice from them.
Sometimes he buys vegetables straight from my farm even Marimba farm is just a few steps from his home, and always brings lunches for us both. We will sit there under the orange tree, eating his cooking that i love so much. And as days passed by, i can see he's smiling more and more.
One day, a day just like another ordinary day, When I'm finished for the day and we take shades under the trees, he smiles and says 'I love you too.' , And kisses me.
And i know, whatever happens, everything will be okay for us.
-fin-
Author's notes : Reviews will be very appreciated. Thank you : )
