Disclaimer on Part I
AN: ok so this whole thing was supposed to be a one shot but eh like my friend says...i can't write anything small...so this part II was floating around in my brain and I wrote it down for your enjoyment. There will most likely be a few more installments in this series and instead of posting them all as 'new' I'm just going to add 'chapters' to this one...alrighty enjoy, and let me know what you thought. dark rolling sea.
Part II: Second Thoughts
Kate awoke in the midmorning dark hours. She opened her eyes to find a sleeping Gibbs, arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her snuggly to his chest. His face expressed peaceful features as his slumber continued. She studied him a while, not knowing what to think of her current situation. She had continued to shiver against him earlier in the night, after professing their true inner feelings for each other. He had eventually brought her dry clothes, sweatpants and a sweatshirt she assumed was his.
She had changed into the dry clothing and then joined him on his bed. He had encased her with his arms almost immediately as they drifted into a sleep. No words had been exchanged, as they both enjoyed the moment that had been bestowed upon them. Of course now as she stared into his sleeping face, she wondered when he would break her heart.
It wasn't something she wanted to happen, it was something she was sure was going to happen. It pained her that he could actually return the desire and love she harbored for him, but she knew he would eventually drive her away, unable to fully open himself to her, unable to fully express the love he held in his heart.
She slowly started to extract herself from his grasp. Gibbs groaned softly in his sleep and tightened his hold on her, pulling Kate closer to his chest. Kate smiled at the gesture and waited a few moments before she tried a second time to remove her body from his grip. This time Kate managed to release his arms from around her and she softly slid herself from the bed.
Her feet led her out of the bedroom as she felt tears coming to her eyes. This should be the happiest moment in her life, being with the man she thought was not possible, lying with the man she had wanted for so long, but the never ending fear of pain dragged her mind down a road she could not ignore. How long could it possibly last, she asked herself with a heavy heart.
He was older, much older than her. He was set in his way. He was a self proclaimed bastard. But these were things she had fallen in love with. She knew this when her heart went out to him, and grew more fond of the longer she was by his side. The fact remained he was emotionally closed off, a part of him that he used to protect himself from unnecessary harm, a defense to keep his life in order.
Kate knew tonight was a large step for him, first at the office, to tell her to give her heart to a good man, and second to tell her to give it to someone like him. Thirdly he admitted to her that he returned those feelings that she thought were only in her own heart. A huge progression on the emotional track, but Kate wondered if it would last, if he could truly open himself for a relationship with her.
Gibbs had his rules that dictated his life. They guided his decisions, his thoughts, and his actions. It was what he lived by, a code of sorts. Could he truly break his rules to be with her? It was a question she could not answer and that scared her. To open herself up to a relationship with him was an enormous risk to her heart and her well being. She would be in line for the happiest moment, but on the other hand he could shatter her entire ideal of life.
Kate felt the tears escaping from her eyes and strolling lightly down her cheeks and she made no effort to stop them. Instead of enjoying the moment of being with Gibbs her mind was plaguing her with what if scenarios. She was killing the relationship before it even blossomed off the ground, and she was doing it without his help, another reason she feared to explore this new found love.
She found herself in his living room, staring at nothing. The room was neat, lightly decorated, with comfortable furniture. She sat down on the couch were they had been earlier in the evening and leaned her back against the arm rest. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, laying her chin gently against the caps.
She could smell his scent on the clothes she was wearing and it made her heart ache more. She wanted nothing more than to go up and tangled herself back into his arms and sleep the night away, but the demons continued to persist in her mind. There was no turning back she thought. She grew angry with herself for coming to him, for running to him in the first place. It had been impulse, she hadn't consciously set out for his house after the disaster at the restaurant but her car seemed to know the way.
She wished she had run to Abby or Ducky, or even Tony or McGee, but no she had chosen Gibbs. Maybe it had to do with what he had said at the office before he left, or maybe it was because she was hurting and knew she could find comfort from him. He had known. She knew that when she left the restaurant, there earlier conversation finally making sense to her. She needed to know why, so her heart brought her here.
But to what end. She knew this was impossible. He was her boss, he was Gibbs. A man who hardly ever showed emotion would not be suitable Kate thought to herself. He would drive her insane, he would make her crazy, and he would eventually break her heart. She made a decision to tell him in the morning. She would leave. She would find a new job, and make a fresh start in a new city. If it meant leaving the government that was ok with her, she would go into law enforcement on another level.
The tears continued to fall as she made these life changing decisions. Part of her knew it was for the best, but another part of her wanted nothing more than to stay in this house, with this man, forever. She would have to completely walk away from the true feelings in her heart, hoping against hope that those feelings would vanish over time.
He had warned her about Brian in his own way and now she wondered why he would do so. She knew it was because he hid his love for her, but what caused him to step forward now? She had dated other men, and talked about them in the office before, without a single utterance from Gibbs. But this time for some reason he had intervened. Maybe he had checked the others out too but found nothing detrimental to warn her about. It was possible.
It was then that Brian's wife's words came back to her in memory, as the event replayed itself in great detail from her mind. She had hoped what he had said was a sick joke. Kate started to wonder who had tipped Mrs. Richards off that her husband had been having an affair. The thought that Gibbs had known prior to her date, and Mrs. Richards showed up on the same night was starting to fester an idea in Kate's mind.
Had Gibbs told Mrs. Richards? It was something she needed to know. Was it him that tipped the wife off, essentially ending an affair Kate didn't know she was a part of? He had tried to warn her, but couldn't seem to bring himself to tell her what his warning was about, but he had tried to warn her. She wondered if he knew what was going to happen on her date that night and why he hadn't stopped her from going.
Her mind progressed then, did he know she would come to him? Was he planning on her showing up on his doorstep? As she thought back to him opening the door she knew the surprise on his face was genuine shock to see her. It was a good chance he had not expected her to show up, hence his openness with her after he brought her inside.
A creak on the stairs behind her caused her to leave her reverie, turning slightly so she could watch the bottom on the steps. They groaned softly under his weight as Gibbs made his way slowly down. He stopped on the bottom step, his hand gripping the banister searching for Kate. His eyes landed on her form sitting on the couch and stopped, causing Kate to hold her breath.
Gibbs was dreaming, and it wasn't a nightmare, a rarity for him to say the least. Then the warmth was gone and his body slowly came out of slumber. His brain recounted his evening and he began to wonder if it all had simply been a dream. He was alone in his bed, maybe Kate hadn't come to him after she learned the truth of her new found love. But then her smell assaulted his senses and he knew she had been in his bed. Her scent was on the pillows, the blankets, on him.
He looked around the room and didn't spot her so he tried the bathroom next. Gibbs found nothing there. He moved down the hallway slowly, heading towards the stairs. He felt his gut tighten as scenarios scrolled through his head. He feared she had left, simply changed her mind, realized she made a mistake earlier and left him cold. His heart quickened and he felt a headache start in his temples.
He had exposed himself tonight he knew that, he had set himself up for heart break at the hands of Kate. Something he had promised himself not to do, but a promise he was unable to keep. His movements slowed even more as he reached the stairs. She had to be on the bottom level his mind told him gently. She wouldn't leave you like that, not after tonight, but part of him didn't truly believe that.
He took each step slowly, examining the emotions running through him. His breathing was increasing with the stress and tension of the situation and his heart was beating wildly in his chest. It was, to say the least, a new experience for him. He finally came to the bottom step and stopped, gripping the banister tightly for support. His gazed scanned the room, finally landing on Kate, sitting quietly on his couch. Her posture screamed defensive and he noticed, even in the absence of light, her face seemed slightly swollen as if she had been crying. His heart sank, something was wrong.
He couldn't force himself to move from the bottom step. His feet seemed to plant themselves to the floor; it was all crashing down around him as he watched her look away from him. Fear enveloped his entire being as he knew she was changing her mind. She had made a mistake, and she was going to walk away from him.
He fought the bitterness of tears down swallowing hard to control the lump in his throat. He clenched his eyes tightly for a moment before opening them again and forcing his feet to move. He slowly came up to her and stood behind the couch, standing over her, looking down.
"Kate," he said in a low whisper, his voice full of stress and tension. It was halfway between a statement and a question. He didn't know which he meant and from her reaction neither did she. She looked up at him with confusion and pain in her eyes and he took a shaky breath.
She was silent for a long time, and the minutes seemed like days to Gibbs as he waited for her to say something, anything to him. But instead she sat there mute, staring at him with such sadness that he felt like vomiting. He turned away. He felt her hand gently graze his as it rested on the couch back, drawing his eyes to look at the connection.
"What's wrong?" he asked still looking at her hand gently caressing his own.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, her tears still slipping from her eyes. He closed his own and bit his lower lip, knowing what was coming. "I don't think I can do this."
"Why?" he asked the pain evident in his voice as his eyes remained clenched. His hand withdrew from the couch, pulling away from her touch. She dropped her own into her lap and turned so her back was to him.
"I made…"
"Please don't say a mistake," Gibbs pleaded, his voice sounding alien to him. He had never felt about or needed anyone like he did Kate. Even if she was off limits, he needed her in his life. Kate ducked her head, leaning her forehead against her raised knees.
"This can't work, Gibbs, it just can't," she said, her words muffled by her legs. "You can't promise me that you'll be open with me."
Gibbs thought about her words and knew she was probably right. His current façade he wore wouldn't allow himself to be openly honest with Kate. But he also knew he would fight hard to change that. If it meant the difference between heaven and heartache, he would try.
"I said it earlier, Katie, if you're going to give up your heart, make sure you give it to a good man. I told you someone like me, but you have to make that decision on your own," Gibbs began in a slow soft voice.
"You are a good man," Kate replied looking up at him. He opened his eyes and nodded slowly.
"Don't fall just because someone shows you kindness, and wonder why love is blind, but by God I hate to see you cry," he said as he reached out and gently stroked her face, wiping the tear tracks with his thumb. "Don't lose your sense of pride, Kate, all the years you've lost, all the tears you've cried. You deserve happiness, and if you don't think you can find it in me, give your heart to a good man."
"Can I find it with you?" she asked holding in her breath as she searched his face. The openness in his eyes was astonishing for her to see. He was putting his heart on his sleeve, putting it out there for her to take or break.
"I have no guarantees. I'm a lot older than you, I'm stuck in my ways, I'm a self proclaimed bastard, but I do love you, Kate, and I have for quite sometime now. I try, I try so hard to push those feelings into the dark corners of my heart and mind, but for some reasons, they won't stay," Gibbs said coming around the couch and sitting down next to Kate. He took her hand gently into his and squeezed it.
"Will you be able to be open with me?" Kate asked. Gibbs studied her face not sure what she meant. Kate read the uncertainty in his eyes and looked down for a moment, trying to recompose her question for him. "I mean, can you promise to not shut me out? Drive me away by closing down when I need you most?"
"I know you're worried about me breaking your heart, Kate," Gibbs said softly, kissing her hand as he paused. "And honestly I'm worried about it too. And I know I have rules that dictate my life, and this is a major breaking, but sometimes you have to trust your gut."
Kate nodded slowly, soaking up what he had told her. The emotion running through his eyes was telling her he was willing to give it a try. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips as she thought about her options. She was split in wanting to explore where this could lead, and how this could end.
Finally she opened her eyes and looked at him. The turmoil was gone and she smiled at him with passion as she leaned in close to him. They were mere inches apart when she stopped and spoke. "I give it to you," she said before closing the remaining gap between them and kissing him.
