Chapter 2

Kirk's attention was drawn to a hole in the floor that had not been there a moment earlier. As he watched, a humanoid figure appeared and walked unerringly to a point three feet in front of Kirk. Surprising because it appeared that this person could not see.

"May I have your permission to invade your mind for the purpose of restoring your memories of the past three months?"

"I thought he took my memories." Kirk gestured at First.

"That is what we wished you to think."

"We, as in you and him?"

"No, we, as in you and I."

"I wanted me to think he had done it. So Konti wouldn't know you had done it? Did I consider the possibility that Konti would set me free?" Kirk shifted his feet.

"Yes, you did."

"And I told you to give me back my memory if Konti left without me?"

"That is correct."

"If you don't mind my saying so, this is just a little bit weird. So where are we going? You have some kind of reverse mindsifter machine on board?"

"It is not a machine. It is my mind invading yours."

"Oh. You want me to lie down then?" Kirk asked.

"That should not be necessary. The process takes only a few moments, and I do not believe you will lose consciousness."

"Suit yourself then. What do you want me to do?"

"You give assent? Without knowing who I am?" The man tilted his head.

"Yes. You want to know why? I have nothing to lose. One of three things will happen. You will take all my memories - that's happened enough times that I'm not afraid of it; or you might kill me - that's nothing new either; or you will do what you promise, in which case I will have three months of data I don't presently have."

"Quite logical."

"You remind me of someone. Don't know who. There's a much bigger hole of lost memories than just the past three months. But you can't fix that; no one can." He sighed, then put the mood behind him. "I still don't regret it. So, what now?"

"Guide my hand to your face."

A minute later Kirk had his memory back and Spock withdrew.

"Thank you, Spock. I'm sorry to put you through that, and glad you didn't have to add that three months to the collection you're already carrying."

"It was not a problem, Jim. I was glad to help you."

Kirk turned to First.

"First, thanks for a great job. I never guessed, and if Konti did, he was wise enough not to say anything. You're acquiring quite a bit of acting experience."

"I'm going to retire and leave the field to you, Jim. But I'm glad for your sake that it worked. Spock, why didn't you tell him who you were?"

Spock looked as uncomfortable as Vulcans ever do. "There was a matter of some disagreement among the crew. As it was helping them cope, I consented to withhold my identity unless it was specifically asked for."

Kirk started laughing. "They were betting over whether I would insist on knowing who you were before I let you touch me? Who won?"

"Dr. McCoy. He said you would think it unnecessary, that you would quote logical reasons for your conclusion, but that the truth was that you would trust me intuitively. Finally, he said, when you found out about the bet, you would laugh."

"And what did you think I would do?" Kirk asked curiously.

"I do not bet, but privately I concurred with the Doctor's opinion."

Sulu had arrived with Kirk's uniform. "Glad to have you back, Captain."

"Thank you, Sulu. I'm glad to be back."

"Prayer works, sir." He grinned as he disappeared down the hole to Third's room.

xxxx

About an hour later, First had located the Enterprise and taken them to her. Kirk had little time to contemplate the rapidity of change facing him. Having very little idea what Starfleet would do with him, he could only rest in the peace of the Lord. He would face it without fear, just as he had done every hour of every day for the past months.

Captain Young met them in the transporter room. Kirk hung back as each of the others greeted him warmly, and departed for their quarters. They sounded a bit like school kids returning from vacation. Only Spock, Kirk, and Young remained.

"Welcome aboard, Captain." Young smiled warmly. "I am very glad you have returned to us unharmed. My congratulations on successful completion of your mission. I eagerly await news of the details." The smile vanished. "However, it is my unpleasant duty to remind you of Regulation #236, which requires that-"

Spock interrupted. Kirk had no idea what Reg #236 required, but he heard the alarm in Spock's voice, subtle though it was. "Captain, Dr. McCoy and I have already performed the required examinations."

"I'm sorry, Spock. I can't change the regulations."

"I could provide 24-hour escort duty. It would be detrimental for crew morale to find that Captain Kirk is in the brig."

"I understand that, but it can't be helped. And you have work to do."

Kirk jumped in. "I don't know what you two are arguing about, but I've no objections to the brig, and why should the crew care? Anyway, you better call an escort, because I have no idea how to get to the brig from here."

Young looked puzzled.

"Spock, have you told the Captain about-"

"No, I have not. I would prefer a more private environment. However, the escort will expect you to know the way."

He rattled off a complex sequence of directions, which Kirk memorized on the spot. So when the escort arrived, Kirk made it all the way to the brig with no one the wiser. After joking with the guards, Kirk lay down to take a nap. He wondered if he would ever again feel rested enough that he need not take a nap at every opportunity.

About two hours later, Young appeared at his door. Kirk stood up.

"Please, sit down." Young produced the warm smile again.

Kirk sat.

"Spock has given me a concise summary. Much detail has yet to be filled in. He told me what he did to your mind."

"Did he tell you I made him do it?"

"Captain Kirk, even I know Spock well enough to know that no one makes him do anything. But he did say that you consented to the operation."

"That's a serious understatement," Kirk quipped.

"At any rate, he and Dr. McCoy will be arriving shortly. After their examination, which I have to witness, I will want your oral report. You'll have to condense it into about two hours. Immediately thereafter, you will reboard First's vessel for a trip to Vulcan. The reason for the haste is that they have secured a pair of eyes which they are hopeful will be able to replace Spock's lost eyes."

"Replacement eyes! That's wonderful news!"

McCoy walked in. "Don't get too excited til we know whether they get rejected."

But Kirk could tell Bones was pleased. Spock arrived a moment later, and the cell felt crowded with four of them in it.

"Can't we do this in Sickbay?" McCoy complained.

"No, we can't." Young's reply was mild. "Please proceed."

Kirk started shedding clothes without being told. He doubted that nakedness would ever bother him again, though he would try to be careful around ladies. Bones and Spock had already seen the scars, but Young gasped at his first look at Kirk's back.

McCoy was his usual efficient self, and the exam was complete in fifteen minutes, including blood tests. As Bones summarized his findings, Kirk could tell he was still angry at the treatment Kirk had received. Kirk prayed for him, grateful that he himself carried no bitterness. As Kirk finished getting dressed, Spock approached.

"Captain, I regret the necessity of doing this to you a second time." His grave countenance hid just a hint of frustration.

"Spock, it's not a problem. Do you want to sit or stand?"

"Stand, though perhaps Captain Young would prefer to sit." To Young, "The procedure will not be painless. You must be able to remain motionless, so as not to break the link."

"I'll bow to your judgment, Spock. You know what I can do."

"The pain is unlike anything you've experienced before. I do not wish to do this a third time because we lost our witness. So if you permit, please sit on the floor with your back against the wall."

All three sat crosslegged on the floor. Only Young had any support to lean against. Spock turned to Kirk.

"Do you consent to the invasion of your mind by myself, accompanied by Captain Young, for the purpose of determining whether your mind has been tampered with by the Klingons?"

"I do."

"Every part of your mind will be opened to scrutiny by Captain Young as well as myself. Furthermore, the procedure will take considerably longer than the first time. Lastly, the agony will not be lessened by your acceptance of it." The recitation of cautions did nothing to disguise Spock's reluctance to undertake the task.

"It's okay, Spock. I'll be fine."

Spock established a link with Young first; then with Kirk. Though perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised, Young was amazed at Kirk's openness. As Spock probed some very painful memories, there was no hint of resistance or reluctance. Kirk simply didn't care how much pain there was, or how much Young knew about him. About a half hour later, Spock withdrew. Young opened his eyes and looked at Kirk, who smiled at him.

"You all right?" Kirk inquired.

"Yes." Young paused, not sure if he should ask. But Kirk's eyes held encouragement. "How can you live with it?"

Kirk knew he referred to the aching void of lost memories. "By God's grace, one day at a time." And he smiled.

Young shook his head and sighed. "I understand Spock has a way to restore your memories. So when he and Dr. McCoy leave for Vulcan, you will go with them. Meanwhile, as I said, I want as complete a report as you can give me in two hours. If you will accompany me to Briefing Room 4, Spock and Dr. McCoy will write their reports releasing you, and will meet you in the transporter room."

"Excuse me, Captain," interrupted Spock. "The regulations do not permit you to release Captain Kirk until reports have been filed by all three of us, and approved by Starfleet Command Headquarters. With your permission, I will inform First of the delay in our departure."

"Spock, that could take days!" Young replied.

"I am aware of that, Captain."

"Spock, you and Bones go without me. Don't jeopardize your chance at getting eyes. My problem can wait."

"Jim, it is more important to me to restore your memory than to receive new eyes. I have been functioning without them for eleven months. I can continue to function without eyes."

"Spock, I can't order you, and I don't want to argue with you; but I'm telling you, I want you to go, now," Kirk insisted vehemently.

"Dr. McCoy thinks recovery may take several months, even if the surgery is successful."

"I'll wait, even if I have to take a leave of absence. Spock, I'll be fine. Bones, tell him I'll be fine."

"Jim, Spock knows you better than you know yourself. I can't tell him anything about you he doesn't already know. But even I know that your definition of 'fine' differs from that of most people." McCoy turned to Spock. "Nevertheless, Spock, I vote we go now. Jim is right that his problem can wait, and yours can't. If we don't get there in time, this opportunity is very unlikely to reoccur."

"That is true, but there is a 7.63% chance that I will not survive the surgery, and/or the recovery period." Spock's voice took on a bleak tone. "If I do not, then Jim's memories become irretrievable."

"Spock," Kirk interjected, "there's a significant possibility the memories are irretrievable anyway. Not to mention the chance that we'll both die in the attempt to retrieve them. And don't bother quoting me the odds. Just go. Please."

So Spock went. Five days later Kirk was released from the brig and assigned the same cabin (D-4) he had occupied previously, though of course, he had no memory of it. Kirk had no status on board ship, so with nothing better to do, he set about relearning ship's operations. He persuaded Young to make a general announcement to the crew concerning his lost memory. Thus everyone was eager to help.

He set himself a rigorous schedule: 8 hours of study, 8 hours of hands-on time at various crew stations, 5 hours sleep, 1 hour quiet time, 1 hour exercise, and 1 hour eating and personal hygiene. After about ten days of this, Uhura caught him leaving the mess hall after having spent only ten minutes gobbling a meal.

"Captain?"

"Yes? What is it, Uhura?" Kirk smiled warmly, while privately wondering what problem of hers he could possibly help solve.

"Sir, Dr. McCoy is not here to nag you, but it appears to me that someone needs to. Must you drive yourself so hard? You never take any time off. I've not seen you at any of the believers' meetings."

"Believers' meetings?" Kirk was confused.

"Forgive me. Did no one think to tell you? Off-duty personnel gather in a variety of ways for fellowship. There's a schedule posted on the board in the Rec Deck. If you want to be in a small group, talk to Harb Tanzer. In fact, you should make time to talk to him anyway; he's one of your best friends. Captain, nobody works all the time, even Spock, unless we're in the middle of a Red Alert."

"I am in the middle of my own personal red alert crisis. But I appreciate your concern, and I will talk to Mr. Tanzer."

xxxx

Late that evening, Kirk went to the Rec Deck. Tanzer saw him coming, automatically gauging his condition by his appearance. Physically he looked better than Tanzer had expected, based on McCoy's report.

But his face was unreadable, until he smiled. "Mr. Tanzer, I have it on good authority that you and I have been close friends. If you're not too busy right now, I'd like to talk to you."

"Of course, Jim. Come on into my office. And call me Harb." He shut the door and gestured Kirk to a chair. "We can talk all night, if you want."

"Thanks, but I don't intend to keep you up all night." He paused as if unsure where to start. "Tell me about your job."

So Tanzer talked for some ten minutes, starting with a basic job description and ending with an explanation of his role in counseling the captain in particular.

"Would you say then, that our relationship has been characterized by some transparency?"

"Absolutely. Because I'm outside the circle of people you work with all the time, you've felt free to say things you might not share with everyone else."

"So you're comfortable with transparency?" Kirk asked warily.

"Yes, Jim. You can tell me anything, and I mean, anything, and it goes no further than right here. I don't even tell Dr. McCoy the things you tell me."

"That's fine, but that's not what I meant. Are you yourself at ease with that much honesty? I've discovered that most of the crew are not. They want to help, but they're embarrassed by my condition. I have to make a joke out of the whole thing before they will relax, be themselves, and give me what I need."

"Jim, I promise you, I will not be shocked or embarrassed by anything you say. I may not fully understand, because I haven't experienced what you've been through, but I want you to be completely honest with me. I'm here to help in any way I can."

Kirk sat back and visibly relaxed. "Thank you, Jesus. I didn't even know I needed this."

Kirk talked for three hours, unloading lots of emotional baggage. When he wound down to a halt, he asked for feedback.

"If you're not too exhausted, I'd like to know what you think of all this."

"The night's not over yet; I'm fine. You want my honest opinion? Without regard for what might offend you?" Tanzer smiled, but it was a serious question.

"Yes. No pulled punches. Let me have it right between the eyes."

"Okay. Here's what I see. First of all, you're functioning amazingly well under the circumstances. I know that doesn't satisfy you, but you need to recognize the stresses of the situation. Most people could not come back from seven months of enemy torture, and function normally without any need for an adjustment period."

"They're my friends, not enemies," Kirk protested.

"In some ways, that makes it worse. Do you have nightmares?"

"No, at least I wouldn't call them that. I dream in Klingon. Konti and Koh are in most of them, sometimes Kezak, sometimes complete strangers, but they're not nightmares."

"You're more comfortable in that environment than this one, because it's more familiar. Your mind and emotions are still adjusting to the change. But seven months with the Klingons is only one piece of the puzzle. There are other, bigger stresses.

"You spent three months on that mission to First's people. Uprooted from the only environment you knew, thrown in with a group of strangers, expected to adjust instantly, forced to lead the team, responsible for all the decisions. And you did adjust, and the mission was an astounding success. But it was very stressful." Tanzer paused, but Kirk seemed happy to let him continue.

"The minute you get back, you're thrown in the brig on a technicality. Nothing you've done wrong, but you're stuck there for five days. Meanwhile, two of the six you've gotten to know take off for Vulcan and won't be back for months maybe. Furthermore, the two who've gone are the ones you got closest to during that mission."

Kirk nodded but still didn't interrupt him.

"Now you're out of jail, but you've no official status, no job to do. Command is waiting on Spock before they decide what to do with you. Meanwhile, you're neither passenger nor crew. You're aboard a vessel with over 400 strangers. The only four people you know at all have big, important jobs to do, and you have nothing to do.

"So you set about filling your days with the task of relearning everything you've forgotten about how this ship runs. But the way you're going about it has a few problems. Tell me, how many times have you been on the Bridge?"

"I haven't."

"How many times have you spoken with Captain Young since he let you out of the brig?"

"Once."

"How much time have you spent with Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, or Scotty?"

"Casual greetings in the mess hall is all."

Kirk made no attempt to defend himself, but waited patiently to see where Tanzer was headed.

"How many times have you been in Engineering?"

"I haven't."

"How often have you come to the Rec Deck?"

"I work out for an hour every morning. The place is deserted at 0500."

Tanzer paused before asking the next question. "I want your instinctive response to the next question, not a thought through answer. What would you do if the Red Alert siren went off right now?"

"Instinctive reaction: head for the Bridge." He smiled. "Instincts can be pretty irrational sometimes."

"Do you know where this vessel is, or what her current mission is?"

"I have no idea."

"Right between the eyes, you said. I think you're playing at it. You're not really trying to relearn the skills necessary to captain this vessel. You're just putting in time. You're hiding behind all this driven activity, in order to avoid any real relationships with people. Mind you, that's one step better than what you did the last time."

Tanzer explained briefly the incident in which Spock and McCoy had helped Kirk get rid of the fear of dying alone.

"So you think I'm fighting demons again?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't, though I'm by no means an expert when it comes to demons. I'm just saying I wouldn't have been surprised if you were hiding in your quarters. The fact that you're not is a sign that you're coping better than you might be."

"I don't want to be just barely coping." Kirk looked away, trying to hide his pain.

"What do you want, Jim?"

"I don't know." Kirk looked back at Tanzer "I want to be able to do something useful. I don't want to be a nuisance. I certainly don't want Captain Young thinking I'm trying to steal his job. I would like very much to be able to tell Spock that I can function without those lost memories. I don't want him to risk his life for me. It's not worth it. Besides it's not fair. The decision was mine; the consequences should be mine too." Kirk set his jaw stubbornly.

"You'll have to fight that one out with Spock. But I will say this: Spock won't force you to go through with it; you will not be able to convince him that it's not worth the risk; and he will think fairness has nothing to do with it. You may not know this, but the two of you have saved each other's lives so many times that even Spock has stopped counting them."

Kirk thought that irrelevant, but said nothing in objection.

"However the thing most likely to convince Spock that it's unnecessary is to see you fully functional without those memories. But he's not going to be convinced by your reciting the regulations manual, or the crew roster, or even the procedure for replacing a certain circuit in the phaser banks. A captain knows all that and much more besides. But the thing that makes you the best captain in the Fleet is your people skills."

Tanzer grinned. "So if you want it bad enough, you're going to have to jump in with both feet. Stop worrying about being a nuisance. Talk to Captain Young; get him on your side. Spend time on the Bridge - lots of it. Engineering too, but mostly the Bridge. Use your friends. Don't be intimidated. Don't stop studying, but spend more time with people than studying. Get to know the crew, off-duty, as well as on. Lastly, relax; enjoy life; it's not all work.

"And Jim, don't be surprised if they call you to the Bridge during a Red Alert. You have something no one else aboard this vessel can do: you speak Klingon fluently. Uhura's good; she taught you. But she told me that you're better than she is, since you lived it for seven months."