A/N
Firstly, I want to say a huge thankyou to all of you who've read, followed, favorited or reviewed this story- it means so much to me to hear your feedback.
For anyone who's been affected by hurricane Sandy, best wishes to you: I hope that you're all keeping safe and well, and that Sandy stops this madness soon.
I hope that it didn't disappoint anyone who was hoping that Spencer was the child's mother. I do have intentions of bringing Spencer into the story (but not quite yet) with her own storyline, explaining what happened between them all. But if anyone has any theories I'd love to hear them!
Enjoy, and if you do, review. : )
Chapter Two- The Search for Something More
She strides into the locker room and smiles brightly at you as she peels off her shirt, throwing it unceremoniously on the bench behind her. You grin back, squeezing your chlorine drenched hair out over the drain to your left. You've just finished a private swim practice, and she's coming out of an extra field hockey- as always, the last of the team to finish practice- so the two of you are alone in the room. She strips out of her hockey skirt and peels her under armor off of her sweat soaked skin, walking half naked across the room to grab a towel: she picks up two and throws one at you with a grin. You take it gratefully and shoot an awkward look across the room- you're shy, you always have been- but she's already pulled off her underwear, which relaxes you (in a strange sense), and you start to pull your swimsuit off.
You follow her into the showers and turn on the hot stream of water, letting it soothe your tired muscles; she grins at you and shampoo filled water runs into her mouth. It fills her mouth and a disgusted look covers her face. You giggle. She smacks at you, but she's laughing too, and the attempt only results in more shampoo taste.
"How was practice?" She asks as you step out of the showers, wrapping yourself in the fluffy white towel she gave you earlier, you shrug your shoulders and nod in her direction,
"Alright. Yours?"
She grins and you can tell it was good. Spencer's always had a unique sense of modesty.
"Seven goals in one game. Hopefully they'll make me first string next semester."
You smile at her delight and congratulate her, unable not to watch as she drops her towel and pulls on her underwear- they're silk, you notice, and suddenly your cotton boy shorts seem inadequate. It's a feeling you've had a lot lately. With Hanna and Aria, and Spencer sometimes too: with their first kisses and lace underwear, their bras and issues of Cosmo. Alison had even gotten her hands on a condom last week, which Aria had blown up at your weekly sleepover. They had periods and actually needed bras. They were women now.
And you were stuck as a child.
A thirteen year old anomaly.
You hadn't even been kissed yet.
Your eyes roam over Spencer's body as she dresses, and you think you're jealous. But you're not. Not really. You've tried to work out this feeling before; you get it all the time, but its alien to you.
It's like jealousy, but different. You don't want to be her, you actually want her. You want to feel how soft her skin is, the silky shine to her hair. You find yourself wondering what it would be like to kiss her. She's even offered, before, to kiss you. She's never been kissed either- not as far as you know, anyway.
She's dressed now, and you feel awkward, standing (still in your towel) in the middle of the room, and hastily pull your clothes on.
It's her turn to watch you now.
And she does.
"You're lucky." She whines from the bench where she's sat tying her shoelaces as you hook your training bra around your back, "You actually have a reason to wear a bra."
You blush scarlet, and you feel the color beginning to spread from your cheeks and down to your chest. You murmur something incoherently and she stands up insistently,
"You do!" She asserts, like, lifting her hands to her own breasts and cupping them, "See! Mine are tiny!"
You're past scarlet now, and fully on route to beet red as she takes your hand and clamps it over her chest,
"You can't tell me that you honestly think that's a decent mammary gland." You laugh awkwardly and she relents, obviously able to sense how uncomfortable she's making you.
She begins ranting about something or other that Melissa had said or done, whilst you finish getting dressed, and you're grateful of the reprieve.
You contemplate asking Spencer about how you've been feeling, to see if she's ever felt the same way. You don't know who to talk to really; Alison would surely make fun more than she'd be able to help, and Hanna wouldn't understand, Aria was never down to earth enough to talk to, and your mom was...well, your mom.
But Spencer always seemed available. Accessible.
Spencer was always there.
"One more time?" Emily asked Hanna in confusion over the top of her coffee cup as she curled her legs underneath her, relishing in the feel of Aria's soft suede couch. The blond nodded, taking a long sip of her drink as Aria sat down next to her.
"I literally cannot get her in the tub." Aria sighed as she fell back into her seat, "I have tried every single persuasion technique that I can, but the child is impossible. And covered in paint for that matter, what the hell did you let her do?"
Emily laughed and was about to begin explaining about their class art project when Scarlett came hurtling through the door into the living room, stripped to her underwear and covered in paint.
"What the-?" Emily exclaimed, seizing her niece by the shoulders, "Aria, she didn't do this in my class."
Aria groaned and murmured something about an art set that her mother had bought for Scarlett on her last visit, as she closed her eyes and laid her head back on the couch, exhausted.
"Where'd you do this, little lady?" Emily smiled, twirling her around by her shoulders and taking in the array of colors that the child had covered herself in.
"My room. Daddy made me a desk for my room, and it's got pictures and paints and crayons, and paper and pens, and lots and lots of glue. I like my desk- but Mommy says I'm messy, so I have to be really careful. But don't I look pretty?!" She babbled, pirouetting around in a circle and spinning out of control.
"Gorgeous, Scar." Hanna giggled from the corner, beckoning her niece toward her as she leaned forward, whispering something into the child's ear with a mischievous grin on her face.
"Awesome!" She yelled, sprinting out of the room like a multicolored hurricane.
"I don't even want to know what you just said to her." Aria groaned, running a hand through her hair. Out of everyone, she'd probably changed the least- she was the only one who still got carded, too- with her shoulder length dark hair and wide brown eyes, and a figure that hadn't even altered after having her daughter, either.
"Well, she's occupied." Hanna dismissed, setting her cell phone down on the table next to her mug, "And so are we. We actually have rather a lot to talk about."
"Han, don't you think you're overreacting?" Aria pressed gently, "I mean, you only saw her briefly." Hanna rolled her eyes, cocking her head to the side in her signature indignation,
"I told you, I didn't technically see her, I saw her car."
"Wait, what?" Emily directed at her, sighing deeply in exasperation, "You're basing all of this on having seen a car that just so happened to be the same model. Do you not think it possible that they made more than one silver Toyota Highlander in the past ten years?"
"God, you've turned into Spencer." Hanna grumbled as she turned to face Emily fully, ignoring Aria's attempts to speak. "Anyway, do you want to hear the rest, or shall we just leave it at the conclusions you've jumped to?"
Aria let out something that resembled a cross between a snarl and a low groan. This had been happening a lot lately, Hanna's bad temperament, and although both she and Emily had been trying hard to empathize with her, there was only so much Hanna they could take.
"Besides, don't you think she's likely to have changed her car since high school? This is Spencer Hastings that we're talking about, I never knew her to wear the same piece of clothing twice."
Aria knew this was a bad idea, and that their weekend had been doomed ever since the blond had turned up on her doorstep with her mention of Spencer.
Spencer.
When she thought about it, she didn't even think she'd heard her name since she'd graduated college, maybe even before then. But it wasn't her that it bothered most. She missed her, for certain, she missed having her around, but she'd stopped hurting years ago- she'd grown up; having Scarlett had done that to her mainly. With Hanna, it still stung raw. The blond had never managed to forgive Spencer.
But it was Emily that worried her the most.
Emily. With her guarded passion and her heart on her sleeve. Emily, in her solemn solitude. Emily, who she knew was still reeling from having lost something more primordial than she could ever know.
And it was Emily, who was going to hurt again.
"There, does that look like a different car to you?" Hanna held out her cell phone to both Emily and Aria, the screen wide with a badly taken photograph and her face wide with victory. "Want to offer an explanation as to how every Highlander has a pink spray paint stain next to the license plate and a scratch next to the back left wheel?"
Emily glanced at Aria, obviously disconcerted. She had her theories, and was pretty certain that the brunette probably had made the same observations, but something about the picture had rung true in her ears. Like it or not, that car was definitely familiar. More than a car, a symbol. A symbol of them. A symbol of Spencer.
"Han," Aria said carefully, taking the blond's wrist and lowering the cell phone from where it was raised, weapon-esque, to Emily. "Do you think, maybe, she might have sold the car? To buy a new one, I mean?"
Hanna shook her head vehemently, her blond curls bouncing violently in indignation.
"I'm telling you. It's hers, and she's back. I swear, it parked in front of a house like fifteen minutes from here. And I don't know why or how, so don't ask me, but I swear to God, I know it was her."
"And you didn't stick around to see if, oh, I don't know, this car had a driver?" Emily asked incredulously, her patience for the blond wearing thin.
"Sorry, Em, but I didn't exactly feel like coming head to head with Spencer Hastings today."
"It's face to face, Han."
"What?" Hanna spat, confusion spreading all over her face.
"The expression, it's 'coming face to face'. What you were mixing it up is 'going head to head'."
"Oh." Hanna dismissed, "Whatever. Anyway, I didn't feel like having that particular confrontation today."
"Are you alright?" Aria asked gently as she sauntered into the kitchen. Emily was stood at the sink, her hands either side on the countertop, staring blankly out of the window. Even in her reflection, it was obvious that she'd been crying.
The taller girl nodded her head and Aria mimicked the action, slipping her hands into her jeans pockets in thought, as she stood watching her. The sun blazed in through the window, blindingly. In that moment, she could have been anywhere else.
"Hanna's right, you know."
It was Aria who spoke again. Emily swallowed hard, her hands detectably shaking against the countertop as she nodded once more. She didn't trust her voice. It wasn't like she'd never cried in front of the other woman before, but this was different. This was history. Forgotten matter from which she was supposed to have healed years ago. To cry now would be pathetic. To cry would be pitied, and Emily had had enough of that for a lifetime.
"Em?"
Batting her long eyelashes over the remnants of her tears, Emily turned to face her best friend across the room, careful not to move from the sink. She could tell that Aria wanted nothing more than to hug her, to comfort her and try to make it all better. But Emily was afraid that, if she let her, she'd start bawling and never stop. She needed it. She hadn't cried in far too long, and the scalding numbness was rising in her throat, emotion swirling like lava around her tonsils. Her body was betraying her.
"It's alright, you know. Missing her."
Aria was uncomfortable, Emily could tell. She'd known her far too long to be able to ignore that. It was killing her not being able to fix it. She'd always thought that Aria would have made a good therapist- listening to people, talking to people, fixing things. It's what she did best. With her, with Hanna, with Scarlett. It was part of what made her such a good mom. But she couldn't fix this. This gaping hole inside of Emily was unfixable. Emily was unfixable.
"I don't."
Her voice was stronger than she'd thought it would be. Aria raised her eyebrows skeptically, her big brown eyes searching Emily's face for some form of admittance of the truth.
"Em..."
"I don't, Aria. I don't miss her."
You're lying; a voice whispered inside her head, you know you're lying.
"Em…"
But who are you lying to?
A door opened and shut somewhere around the house, the click of the lock followed by a deep voice calling out. A squeal and a laugh. Hanna's voice joined the mix and Aria's name was called again. It was five O'clock in paradise; a happiness that Emily had long forgotten reigned.
"In here!" Aria called out over her shoulder, her brow creased when she turned back to Emily, a stern look in her eye as she leaned forward- leaving her best friend with no choice but to face her fully. "When you're finally ready to admit how you're feeling, you know where I'll be."
"Hey, honey." She smiled as she reached up and wrapped her arms around the neck of the man walking into the room. He smiled into her lips as he kissed her affectionately, his briefcase dropping to the ground in order to hold her properly. The kiss deepened and her hand ran up his back to tangle her fingers into his thick black hair. Emily blushed and looked away from the pair awkwardly.
"Ewww!" Scarlett screamed as she ran full pelt into the room and wrapped herself around Emily's legs, screwing her nose up at the sight of her parents, "That's gross!"
Aria laughed and broke away; turning in the arms of her husband and leaning back against him, their fingers still entwined.
"What's so disgusting, little miss?" She asked, her eyes smiling affectionately at the little girl clinging to her aunt,
"That. It's yucky." She pointed to her parents, her face pulled into a look of pure disgust, "Kissing. I'm never going to kiss a boy. Boys are yucky."
Ezra shook his head wearily, a bemused smile gracing his worn features.
"If only you'd keep that attitude." He laughed, kissing the side of Aria's head one last time before pulling away from her and squatting in front of his daughter, "You'll be all grown up and going on dates before we know it."
Scarlett shook her head again, her chocolate colored eyes wide with disapproval,
"I don't think so, daddy." Her paint-covered hands patted the sides of his face condescendingly, smearing streaks of pink and blue across her father's stubble.
"Woah," He cried, seizing his daughter's wrists and holding her at arm's length, "What happened to you today?" Scarlett giggled, her whole face lit up with achievement, as she began explaining to her father exactly what she'd been doing.
"You think that's bad," Aria interjected, "You should see her bedroom. It literally looks like a unicorn exploded."
Ezra quirked an eyebrow at his wife's simile, and Scarlett nodded fervently,
"It looks pretty, daddy! It's pink and blue and yellow and orange…" She twirled round in a circle again, pointing at the different color paints splattered all over her body, "Just like me!"
He nodded slowly, a look of amusement crossing his face at the similarity between his wife and daughter- the idea of cleaning his daughter's room wasn't particularly appealing, but he was finding his daughters accomplishments rather amusing.
"Why, so you are." He acknowledged, "And I bet, if you went and got in the bathtub right now, the water would turn all those pretty colors too."
Scarlett gasped, her mouth falling open at the idea. She stopped spinning and staggered dizzily around, eventually falling back into Emily's legs; her aunt grabbed her shoulders to hold her steady, laughing all the while at her niece's behavior.
"You really think so?" She asked, mesmerized. He nodded, winking at Aria over her head as he reached for his daughter and swung her upside down over his shoulder,
"There's only one way to find out."
"He's so good with her." Hanna smiled as she watched her goddaughter being carried off over her father's shoulder, giggling and waving upside down as he held her by the feet.
"That he is." Aria agreed.
It meant the world to the brunette that her friends had accepted her marriage so easily, after the battle she'd had with her parents. In the end, it had even gotten to the stage where Mike had walked her down the aisle, after both of her parents refusing to do so. Her father had never even met Scarlett. But her friends had always been there for her, Hanna especially.
"God, I need to go shopping." She groaned as she opened the fridge, only to shut it again disappointedly. Hanna's ears pricked up, but looked sorely let down when she realized that her best friend wasn't referring to the kind that appealed to her. "We have literally no food."
She reached into her back pocket for her cell phone and began scrolling through her directory toward the section of restaurants that she kept for moments like these.
"This is the twelfth time we've ordered takeout this month," She grumbled to Hanna and Emily, "Are you guys staying for dinner?"
Emily tried to hide the light that lit behind her eyes. In all honesty, she'd been hoping for an invitation since they'd pulled up outside Aria's place after school. When she wasn't with Aria's family, or Hanna and Caleb, the weekends were exceedingly lonely for Emily. Her parents had moved to Texas on a permanent basis the year she'd started college, and the idea of settling down was a fantasy best kept to the past and future. She glanced over to Hanna, her eyes flicking over the blond's face in the hope that she'd answer first; as desperate as she was not to have another lonely Friday evening of a frozen lasagna and a glass of cheap red wine, she couldn't help but feel like she was intruding on their family when she stayed without Hanna.
"Please." Hanna responded with a nod of relief, "I don't really think I can face going home just yet." Aria nodded sympathetically at her and turned to Emily with an expectant smile on her face,
"You too, Em?"
The taller girl nodded with a sense of reprieve. As intrusive as it might feel on occasion, dinner with Aria and her family never failed to provide the feeling of familial comfort that she craved. In an odd way, the six of them had formed something resembling a family. A dysfunctional family that revolved around a never ending quest for normality.
"I always swore that I wouldn't be one of those moms who fed their kids junk food all the time, but Ezra's been working longer hours than usual and we've been really busy, and…"
"You know that you don't have to justify your eating habits to us, right?" Hanna laughed, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water,
"I know, God, when did our conversations get so lame?" She rolled her eyes and sent a weak smile in Emily's direction.
"Probably when you both got married and I got a master's degree in education. Our lives just aren't particularly interesting anymore." Emily laughed, grabbing the bottle out of Hanna's hand and taking a sip.
"Boring marital sex isn't even in Hanna's interest." Aria agreed solemnly, scribbling out an order on a notebook pinned to the fridge,
"At least you're still having sex." Hanna muttered darkly, her eyes narrowed in Aria's direction.
"Really? Things that bad with Caleb?" Emily asked curiously, turning toward the blond. Age had been kind to the blond, she'd kept the figure that she'd worked so hard for as a teenager, and she'd managed to keep any form of wrinkles at bay.
"Four." She replied, widening her eyes emphatically,
"Weeks?" Aria gasped, abandoning her Chinese order and directing her full attention to her best friend, "Really?"
Hanna groaned again, blushing bright red as she turned away from her best friends and rested her forehead dramatically against the wall behind her,
"No." She moaned, "Months."
"Months!" Emily and Aria shrieked in unison, a note of laughter entering into both of their voices.
"You haven't had sex in four months!" Aria was grinning now, unable to control herself as she crossed the room to her best friend and poked her in the ribs.
"Geez, Han. Who'd have thought that the first to give it up would be the first to dry up?" Emily smirked from where she watched the pair, relieved at the normalcy poking fun at Hanna brought to the three of them.
"Yeah, well, you're not one to talk." Hanna accused, a smile crossing her own face as she turned and pointed at Emily, "When was the last time you did the deed? I'll bet it's longer than four months."
"That's different." Emily blushed, "I'm not married."
"Yeah, well. I won't be either by the end of the month."
"What?" Aria whispered gently, all traces of satire gone from her voice as she reached out toward her best friend. Hanna nodded slowly, her lips pressed together numbly in a bad attempt to stop them trembling.
"Yep." She murmured sadly, "I served him the papers today. I've had them, for a while, I just wasn't ready until now. That's actually what I was on my way over to tell you when I saw her."
"Her car." Emily corrected, earning herself a disapproving look from Aria. "Sorry."
Shaking her head briskly, Hanna wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, careful not to smudge the minimalistic make up she was wearing.
"It's over now though, there's nothing to be done."
Aria smiled sadly at her, resting her hand against the small of her back and rubbing gentle circles over her silky white shirt. Hanna leant back into the touch and rested her head against Aria's shoulder, the muscles in her back beginning to untie themselves as her body met her best friends in a comfortable embrace. Her head rolled naturally into the crook of Aria's neck and her nose nestled into her collar bone, the sweet scent of the perfume she'd worn for fifteen years flooding through her senses. Warmth coursed through her veins at the touch of Aria's hands on the back of her neck and the curve of her hip as she pulled her closer, waiting for her tears to fall. Safety was hers in her arms.
There was nothing like the comfort of a best friend.
