Soooo, next chappie...Is anyone even reading this? Trigger Warning. Pretty much the entire story has it.
Chapter 2
Mixed Feelings
I don't know if it was because of my emotional stress or if it was something else, but I dreamed again. I woke up sitting and crying and I quickly ran to my bedroom and changed into shortish shorts and a spaghetti strap top, then I ran into the bathroom, grabbing my blade and cutting a few lines, no words this time.
My therapist said I cut words because they were a silent cry for help, begging someone to notice my pain and tell me that I'm not all those those things I think (know) I am. I'm sure he's right on some level for the words, but the cutting in general had a purpose. I'm a vivid dreamer, which that by itself can make life confusing sometimes, but there's also the fact that parts of at least 75% of my dreams have come true before, and I see it coming. It was fine at first, I loved it. I loved dreaming. My dreams were full of love, caring, and happiness. Almost the exact opposite of my real life. It made me wonder if my life was actually some nightmare and my dreams were my life. That's when I tested out pain.
In dreams, if you hurt yourself, you don't necessarily feel it, and if you do, it's not terrible. In the real world you do feel pain. That's why I started cutting. Because the color of my blood and the pain of the cut showed me that I wasn't in a dream. Shortly after that started, I started to hate dreaming and I tried to stop sleeping to avoid it. I would pass out from sleep deprivation and go into a deep dreamless sleep. After a few times of that happening at school, my parent's found out about me not sleeping and decided to send me to a therapist.
There were a few reasons I started hating my dreams, but there was one big one. Ren. After I found out about Nu'est, I love their music, it had so much meaning. And obviously, as a fangirl, I had my favorite of the group even if I liked all of them, my favorite being Ren. Somehow he wriggled his way into my dreams, those dreams were amazing, I wanted to stay in them forever because they made me so happy. I would always wake up with a smile afterwards. But then I would have to face reality and it horrors. There were good things, but the bad things that happened seemed to wipe away every good thing there was. I started to hate myself even more, because I knew that the happiness in my dreams would never become reality. Definitely not with Ren, and most likely not with any other person I liked. Who would like me? I was weird, a freak. I hated how I looked and hated who I was inside.
I tried to change, but it made things worse, because I was trying to be something I wasn't. So I would go back to how I was. There were two completely different parts of me, and they could switch randomly. I could go from being extremely happy, and then one little thing could come up and I would almost cry. And there were other times where I didn't really feel anything.
My dreams were where all of my insecurities and fears started. So when I was given medication to stop dreaming, I was overjoyed. But I had already developed my phobias and stuff. So the cutting didn't stop. I could see there why the doc thought it was me crying out for help.
After about ten minutes I stopped, blood running down my thighs and arms, and I felt sick. I lunged over to the toilet and threw up the little food that was in my stomach. Sometimes my medication would disintegrate and mix weird, causing me to barf.
I flushed the toilet and rinsed off my face and mouth and then slid down the wall, my wounds still bleeding. The bathroom door was cracked, but I didn't hear anyone come in until I heard someone call out.
"Molly?" Ren called out. I quickly covered my mouth to stop my sobs. "Are you in here?" he called again. I heard his footsteps come down the hallway and I went to shut the door but it was too late. He opened the door and froze when he saw me.
He rushed out of the room and after a minute came back, picking me up, and carrying me to a now sheet covered couch and laid me down. I was still crying quietly when he rushed back with some medical supplies and started treating my cuts. He started off by cleaning off the blood, and then he went to cleaning the cuts. I didn't flinch when he used the stuff that cleans out our wounds, I got used to it a long time ago. After he was done cleaning out my cuts he wrapped gauze around them. He then picked me up and and removed the now bloodied sheet from underneath me and then sat me back down. He through the sheet in the laundry basket and then walked over to me, sitting sideways on the couch with his legs crossed. I slowly did the same, looking down at my now bandaged legs
"Why are you here, Ren?" I asked quietly
"I told you I'd be back, didn't I?" We sat there in silence for about a minute before he started talking again. "Why did I find you like that? Why were you crying and bleeding on the floor?" He asked
"Because I needed to bring myself back to reality." I whispered
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked
"One of the reasons I need to take medication is because I'm a vivid dreamer. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the difference between my dream and reality. One of the pills makes it so I don't dream, or at least don't acknowledge it or remember the dream. But sometimes, if I'm under a lot of emotional stress, the medication doesn't work."
"That doesn't explain the self harm." He said
"When I was younger my dreams gave me a false happiness that made me question if my dreams and reality were reversed. I injured myself to figure out which was which." I looked up and met his eyes. "All my fears and insecurities were caused by my dreams. And before I could get treatment or anything, they built up until they ruled over me. They became who I am. I still get lost sometimes. The cuts remind me that this is reality and that reality is hell. The words are my way of acknowledging my flaws. All though my doc says it's a cry for help…" I ended looking away again.
"What if it is?" He asked quietly. I looked over at him, my eyes narrowed a little bit, he simply rolled his eyes in reply "I've known you for less than a day, but Aaron has known you for two weeks and he told us quite a bit about you, he never mentioned anything like this."
"Until you, no one has seen this me except my therapist...I have two really good friends back in the States, they've seen it come out, and they've told me I'm not some of those things, but I know they were just being nice…"
"How did dreams bring you to this?" he asked confused.
"Because my reality is also my living hell. My dreams were like heaven. I dreamed I was happy with one person I was guaranteed I could never even think of having, but the dreams made me happy. Eventually I started hating them, I-" I stopped realizing what I was saying and quickly stood up. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this…" I said facepalming. "You need to leave…"
"Molly-"
"Now, Ren." I said starting to walk away. I stopped short when he grabbed my hand. I almost changed my mind when I felt how warm his hand was, but I knew, I couldn't let anyone in. Especially him. That would only lead to more pain.
"God damn it, listen!" I froze. "I bet that you think if you let someone in, you'll only end up in more pain. But if you don't talk about it, it will hurt more! I only met you today but we'll be working together for the next three months, I want you to be able to trust me along with the rest of the group." He said. How was he able to tell my reason so quickly? When I didn't speak, he let go of my hand and started walking towards the door. I fell to the floor and started crying silently.
"...Please don't go…" I said quietly, my voice cracking. I heard him stop and then walk back over to me. He sat down next to me and pulled me to his side and left his arm around me.
"Do you want to continue?" He asked softly. I nodded.
"I really do...but I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Getting hurt. I want to trust you, I really do. But people I don't know scare me...it one of my 'phobias'. I'm constantly afraid people will either judge or hate me...I have so many issues, and I don't know how to deal with any of them. When I was diagnosed with all my issues, I wasn't told how to deal with them, I was just given pills and was told to take them when I went to sleep and when I woke up. I'm in highschool, God damn it! I don't want to deal with this kind of shit!" I put my head in my hands. "I don't want everything to be solved with medication…" I cried softly.
"It sounds like to me, you have some things you need to work out, but you have no idea how. Does that sound right?" Ren asked. I nodded. "Well, while you're here, I'll help you a little bit at a time. And I'm sure the others would want to as well." I started panicking.
"Please don't tell them!" I quickly begged looking over at him. He looked into my eyes for a second and then nodded with a small smile.
"At least tell Aaron, okay? You're closer to him then you are to me, so he deserves to know." I nodded
"I just don't want the others to know, not yet at least." He nodded again
"You said you have phobias, right?" I nodded "Can I know what they are?"
"Um...I guess...some of them I'm not really sure why, my doc just told me I had them and what they were. I have Agoraphobia which is the fear of helplessness and of leaving safe places, Glossophobia is the fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak, Autophobia is a fear of isolation, Gelotophobia is a fear of being laughed at, Haphephobia is the fear of being touched, Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at or stared at, Phonophobia is a fear of loud sounds or voices, Oneirophobia is the fear of dreams, um...Philophobia is a fear of love, and...Atelophobia which is a fear of not being good enough or imperfection. I take medication for most of them. The medication just makes me calm though, so I don't freak out as much. I've also been told I have slight paranoia…" I finished quietly.
"...A fear of love?" he asked chuckling. I gave a sad smile.
"I'm not even fully sure, but last year this guy came up to me and said he loved me and asked me out and I freaked out, ran to the bathroom, and started crying. It took at least a half an hour for my best friends to calm me down. The doc thinks that because my dreams are so vivid and they involved loving and being with one particular person, and that those dreams started sending me into this mess, that I started to associate love with dreams rather than reality. And you know what dreams do to me…Although he said that if me and that person in my dreams were to ever meet and somehow fall in love, then I wouldn't be scared. I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean…" I muttered
"Well, I think we should make a list of all your fears and start working on them together and get you off of you medication. I'm sure there will be a few that will never really go away, but I think we can make them less scary for you, like being afraid of loud noises. Same with being touched...by the way, if you're afraid of people touching you, then why are you letting me touch you?" he asked
"It's the medication mostly, but it's also more if they touch me without my consent. Like if someone were to come up behind me and poke my sides." He nodded pausing to think for a second.
"How do you think you would act tomorrow if you stopped taking your medication?"
"It would still be in my system but only for about half a day if I drink a lot of water. They would just slowly disperse so if I was in a situation that would normally scare me for that entire time, I would go from my medicated slowly to what I would be like without my medication." he nodded again "Why?" I asked starting to freak out a little bit.
"What if you didn't take any of your medication and Aaron and I stayed with you until the end of tomorrow. That way we can help you get over your fears without medication."
"Um...we can try it, I guess. But I'll take my pills with me just in case things get to be too much." He smiled
"Alright, well I should be going. I'll come pick you up tomorrow and the first thing we'll do is tell Aaron, okay?"
"Um...do you think-" I stopped and looked away "Nevermind…"
"No, what is it?"
"Would it be possible for you to stay here tonight?" I asked quickly. He gave a small chuckle
"I wouldn't mind." I tried to stand up, but my legs hurt and I fell back down wincing. "Are you alright?" He asked kneeling down. I nodded
"I think I might have cut a little deep earlier. My legs hurt…" I mutter quietly. He shook his head chuckling and picked me up bridal style, carried me to my room, and gently put me in my bed.
"I'll sleep on the couch, if you need anything just call me, okay?" I gave a nod.
"Thank you for everything you've done today for me…" I said quietly
"It's the least I can do, I'll see you tomorrow." with that he turned off the lights, closed the door, and left. I was afraid of what my dreams and tomorrow would bring, but for now I wasn't alone. And with that thought, I fell asleep, falling into my dreams.
I woke up in a cold sweat. It had been a long time since I had a nightmare, and mine were always freaky. Once I dreamed about this crazy cereal killer chick who was a masochist and I woke up right after she made an orgasmic sound when she cut herself in half with a saw...yeah, I'm really messed up. This one was more emotionally scary though. I couldn't really remember all of it but I did remember the pain I felt, it felt like my heart was stabbed with a knife and then slowly torn out. In my dream, all of my friends died in front of me, each differently. But the worst part was watching Ren die. We had been talking and holding hands I think. I think we were walking across a street when he pushed me out of the way of a speeding car, taking the his instead of me.
I remembered the blood on the ground and covering my hands when I ran over to him screaming his name, begging for him to stay with me, saying that he promised never to leave me alone. And that's when I woke up. After a few minutes of shivering and crying, I quickly rushed into the bathroom with my cloths for the day and turned the heat of the water all the way up. I let it hit my skin, instantly turning red and making my scars pop out. I cleaned my self and turned off the water, making sure I was completely dry. I dressed, blow dried my hair, and put it in my usual style. I looked in the mirror and smiled a little.
I look nice
With that thought I froze. I quickly opened the bathroom door and went to the living room, seeing Ren asleep on the couch. I went back to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
This has to be a dream…
I started crying as I found my blade. I rolled up my sleeve and got ready to slide my little silve friend against my skin. If this was actually reality, I would feel the pain and I would go back to my hell that is reality. If this was a dream, I would wake up. As I lowered the blade and was about to cut my skin, Ren burst through the door and quickly grabbed my wrist and took the blade out of my hand. The fact that he was shirtless made me think even more that it was a dream.
"Molly, look at me." I looked into his scared eyes with my teary ones. "Why were you about to do that?" he asked. I gave a sad smile.
"Because this is a dream, and it's about time I woke up and when back to my living hell." his eyes widened.
"Listen to me, this isn't a dream. Okay?"
"But you died, it happened right in front of me. Your blood was on my hands. My dreams are always better than reality, so this must be a dream, right? You wouldn't be here is it wasn't." I said getting more and more confused, becoming hysterical. He grabbed my hand and put it against his bare chest so the I felt his heartbeat.
"I'm alive, this is reality. You can feel my heartbeat." he said pushing a little harder.
"I can feel it in all my other dreams to, you have only ever existed in my dreams." I said backing away. In my dreams, this would sometimes happen, but never to this extent. But this had to be a dream, right? He looked at me confused, and then it looked like he realized something. He gave a smile and grabbed my hand.
"Will you come with me for a minute?" he asked kindly, just like he would in my dreams. I shook my head.
"If I go with you, I'll get attached to my dreams again. I need to get back to reality. I need to go through my daily dose of hell so that I know that I'm in reality."
"Just this once, please?" he asked. After a few seconds, I nodded and he grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. I saw he still had my blade in his hand, I quickly grabbed it and pulled away from him and tried to cut any part of myself I could. Before I could he tripped me back onto my bed and pinned me down, making sure I couldn't move.
"I can't stay anymore, because then I'll wake up it'll hurt even more." I said starting to sob. "I don't want to go through it again!" I yelled.
"Molly! This is reality! Reality can be as nice as a dream okay, it's not always full of pain."
"It is for me!"
"Not today." he whispered. "Remember? We were going to talk to Aaron about you scars and we were going to help you get over your fears. We both went to sleep after that. You must have had a nightmare and woken up confused."
"That doesn't mean anything." I cried.
"Is there anyway I can prove to you that this is reality without hurting you?" he asked. I started freaking out. There was another way, but if this really wasn't a dream then I pretty much told Ren that I had been dreaming about him when I was younger and dream him cause all of my problems. I started struggling, but I couldn't move him.
"This has to be a dream! You wouldn't be here if it wasn't and I would never tell you about my dreams if this was reality, I'm never that confused! In my dreams you always told me you would never kiss my cheek or anything like that because I'd wake up even more confused then I normally would!" I said before thinking. After a second of silence, Ren leaned down and softly kissed my cheek.
"This is reality, I swear on my life. I'm sorry I've confused you so much now and in the past…" he whispered in my ear. I froze.
So this is reality. And with everything that just came out Ren's thinks I'm insane…
Ren let go of my wrists, got off and stood up at the edge of the bed. I quickly sat up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from leaving, he didn't look back at me.
"I'm sorry...I should have never come here. You probably think I'm crazy…" I said letting go. He gave a forced laugh.
"I'm the one who should be sorry, if it wasn't for me, this would have never happened today and maybe you wouldn't have ended up with all of your phobias…" he said walking away again.
"REN!" I yelled. He froze and turned around, looking at me with pained eyes. "It's not your fault, Ren. It could have been anyone back then and it would have turned out the same way, but if you weren't here right now, I would have let myself bleed out on the floor because I thought I was dreaming. If it wasn't for you, I would have died, Ren." I said crying again when I realized that that would have happened. I curled up into a ball and continued "I've thought about killing myself before, but there was always something that kept me here. I don't even want to consider it right now because I just met you guys and you all see so nice. I want to be able to help you guys with English and get to know you all…" I didn't hear Ren as he walked to me and pulled me into a hug. After a few seconds I uncurled and hugged him back. He was so warm. It felt nice.
"Thank you…" He whispered.
"It's the other way around silly. You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault I'm so screwed up, it never will be." I felt him smile and we sat there a little longer before we got up and finished getting ready for the day. And then it was off to meet Nu'est and to tell Aaron about my scars. And maybe what Ren said was right, maybe reality isn't always full of pain.
