Author's Note:
I don't want to get into a political debate, but I just want to say that recent developments dishearten me, because it says a lot about our society. We're not in the place I thought we would be; in the place we need to be. I thought we were moving forwards, but now it seems like our progress has barreled, full force, into a net of resistance and it is no longer giving way, there's no more give and now all our forward momentum is being used against us as the net is pushing us back.
It breaks my heart to think how many people must have felt late last Tuesday (especially the LGBTQ+ community, because I've always felt so connected with them), to have it see being put into numbers how many of your fellow Americans don't care about you and won't support your rights. I can understand their fear and despair. Everyone who voted for Trump because of homophobia, transphobia, racism, xenophobia and superficial selfishness, has had their ignorance validated through his win and who knows how they are going to act out; how much more public and persistent they are going to be about their hatred. It's not right and not fair that, in 2016, people still have to be afraid of others judging them based on skin color, nationality, sexuality and gender identity.
We must stay strong and not lose hope. We musn't let bigots shape our future, whether they are in power or not. Not even this strongly woven net of opposition can stop progress. I still have faith that one day all the wrongs shall be made right and everyone will be free to love who they want, without question, even themselves.
WARNINGS: Language, mentions of sex, past bullying/harassment
Beta: Shima Yi
Pride – Part Two
"Tell me about Heero," Duo probed as he sat down at his kitchen table with his friend, WuFei; they were both about to dig into their carton of Chinese take-out.
WuFei frowned and took his time chewing on a big bite of mushu pork before shooting back with a frown: "Why?"
Duo shrugged, not comfortable to tell him the whole story.
WuFei worked on another mouthful and then said: "He's my 8 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays."
Duo nodded. Duo mostly worked the day shift at the gym, from seven to five. Only once in a while did the manager schedule him in for Saturday evenings and he always hated that. That explained why Heero saw him a couple of times, but Duo never really noticed him. "How long have you been training him?"
His friend still eyed Duo suspiciously at all the questions. "A while. We have our first anniversary coming up. He's good. He's driven. I'm excited."
Duo smiled. WuFei always celebrated anniversaries with his clients by setting up a real sparring match with them and not going easy on them – only after about five years did they actually stand a chance at beating him, but it was a rite of passage for them.
"You gonna make me ask again?" The Chinese man asked with a mouthful.
"Hm?"
"Why do you want to know about him?"
Duo prodded his food with his chopsticks. "I ran into him, last Monday."
"Really? I thought he was sick. He cancelled our Monday session this week."
Duo blinked at the revelation. "What about yesterday? Did he cancel yesterday as well?"
WuFei stared at him, confused by his concern. "No. He was there." After a thoughtful pause he demanded: "What the fuck is going on? … Did you fuck him?"
Duo let out a bitter chuckle.
"I'm not about to lose a regular to your bullshit like Dorothy," he warned.
"Relax. It was three years ago."
"Oh. Then why the sudden interest?" WuFei continued to eat.
"I didn't remember having sex with him. So I chatted him up Monday, at the laundromat… and made a pretty big dick of myself."
WuFei laughed. "Jesus, Duo, you are such a man-whore. You've fucked everyone in town, haven't you? And now you're circling back for doubles."
Duo knew WuFei was only joking and usually he could handle his jokes and go along with them, but the encounter with Heero had left him shaken. He had been humiliated and the worst part was that he deserved every bit of it and more. "He was the kid from Pride," he admitted with a sigh. "You remember me telling you about him."
"Not really. I remember Dorothy telling me about him." WuFei made a face. After a pause he added his two cents: "That was fucked up, Duo."
Duo nodded. "Heero never mentioned me to you? He said I popped in once during your training session."
"No, he never said anything. He doesn't say much at all, in fact."
"Was he a little overweight when he started working out with you?"
WuFei shook his head. "He was average. He wanted to lose some more fat and build muscle tone. He'd been working with Relena before coming to our gym."
"Relena?"
"Yeah, she was his dietician before she joined our team. When she started working for us she actually recommended that Heero sign up for kickboxing and martial arts with me, to boost his confidence and stuff. And he did. She likes him."
Duo snorted. "Of course she does."
"I don't think she knows he's gay."
"Of course she doesn't…"
"I'm guessing Heero is still pretty raw about what happened at Pride."
The American nodded. "Yeah, I think so."
"What about you?"
"What about me?" He quipped and forced on a smile.
"You haven't been yourself this week. It's clearly bothering you."
"My, my, mister Chang, you do pay attention to this poor, little, small town girl," he purred teasingly as an attempt to deflect.
"Stop that," WuFei demanded. "It is bothering you. Why can't you just admit that and tell me about it?"
"Because I don't know what to say!" Duo erupted and he dropped his chopsticks into the carton. He didn't have much of an appetite anyway. "What am I supposed to say about it? I'm a douchebag! I'm a fucking douchebag. The shit I've been doing the past ten years… it's not cute, it's not funny! And I want to be different and I thought I am different now, but I still can't give a fuck about-… about Gordon Mullins and Sweater-vest-Sam and all the other perfectly nice guys that have been messaging me because of that fucking profile!" He gestured wildly with his hands as he rambled. "I met Heero three years ago, when I'm sure he was a nice and interesting guy, but if I hadn't been pissing-drunk, I wouldn't have looked at him twice and I didn't give a shit about him. I fucked him in a filthy restroom stall because I was so full of myself I actually thought I was doing him a huge favor-" He laughed darkly at himself. "I- I really thought: 'He gets to go back out there and tell his friends that he got fucked by the great Duo Maxwell'… What the fuck?"
WuFei watched him with unreadable eyes, letting him rant on.
"My 'friends' mock him and I don't even stand up to them because I think the kid should just consider himself lucky."
"But you've changed since then," WuFei interjected.
Duo scoffed. "I thought I had. But it's like I said: I still don't want to give guys like Gordon the time of day. No, instead, I spot a hot guy at a laundromat and I'm drawn to him like a flamer to a moth."
WuFei shook his head at Duo's twist on the common expression.
Duo exhaled and leaned back in his seat, caught off guard by the intensity of his own emotions.
"It was just one guy, Duo," his friend started. "You fucked around, a lot, but they all got exactly what they wanted. Right?'
"As far as I know, yeah…"
"You were drunk. Your friends were dicks. You were a dick." Duo nodded along. "It happened only once. It didn't happen before, it hasn't happened since and it won't happen again."
"But I'm still that shallow dickwad of a guy! I walked right up to Heero this week; I never walk up to a guy like Gordon, or the guy that Heero used to be."
WuFei leaned in close and whispered: "Want me to tell you a secret?"
The American quirked an eyebrow.
"We all make judgments based on looks." He winked. "Attraction goes beyond the physical, sure, but at first glance, all we have to go by is someone's looks and whether that draws us in or not. Sally is wonderful," his eyes sparkled, as they always did whenever he talked about his wife and the mother of his two daughters. "She is intelligent, brave and stubborn as Hell, but that turns me on. I was initially drawn to her because I thought she was beautiful. I didn't know her, I didn't know her personality; I didn't know about all the things that made me fall in love with her, I just thought she was pretty, so I asked her out on a date and that's how it all started."
Duo blinked. He felt better, but was aware that maybe it was a coward's way out, to believe his reasoning.
"Want to know something else?"
"Sure."
"Three years ago, Heero walked up to you because he thought you were hot." WuFei smiled at him as he watched realization dawn on his friend. "He didn't know you. He saw you and he wanted to get to know you, but it was all based on looks." He patted his shoulder sympathetically. "So don't beat yourself up over that, we all do it. Besides, you went on a date with that Gordon guy, and many other guys that – according to Dorothy – were 'like a six at best'. You tried and it didn't click, that's okay. The man talked about his fucking fish for two hours, Duo."
Duo released a sigh, feeling comforted by his friend's words.
"You're not a bad guy," The Chinese trainer assured him. "You made a mistake and you learned from it. Now it's time to forgive yourself, whether Heero can forgive you or not." He squeezed his shoulder before letting his hand drop back down into his own lap.
"Thanks, WuFei."
"Hm." He snorted and picked up his chopsticks to finish his lukewarm meal.
"What would I do without you?"
"Have a fit, probably," he joked. He reached out and playfully smacked his cheek. "My precious diva." He grabbed his face and squeezed the corners of his mouth together, puckering his lips.
Duo laughed and swatted his friend's hands away.
A week later on Saturday, Duo walked into the gym a quarter past ten in the evening. He had the day off and normally he would be getting ready to hit the clubs at that hour on a Saturday, but there was something that needed to be done. He wanted to talk to Heero again. He knew he couldn't change the past or provide excuses or explanations to act as a balm for Heero's hurt, but he needed the other man to know that he regretted how he behaved that night and that "that" wasn't him. He supposed his motivations for being there to confront Heero were mostly selfish; he needed Heero to believe he wasn't a bad guy, so he himself could believe it without doubt or the burden of guilt. It just didn't feel right, moving on and pretending nothing had happened, and looking the other way should he happen to run into the man again.
He cringed when he spotted Dorothy going through a cooldown with her client – a waif-y young woman, probably with modeling aspirations. Dorothy wasn't exactly sensitive.
The blond said something to her client, likely to excuse herself for a moment, and then approached her colleague. "What are you doing here? If you were on the roster for tonight, you're hella late."
"I'm not working."
"Ah, coming to pick up your boyfriend?" She teased.
Duo wasn't alarmed; Dorothy referred to WuFei as his "boyfriend", even though she – and everyone else – knew the Chinese man was straight and blissfully married.
"He's not done for another fifteen minutes," she informed him.
"I know. I don't mind waiting."
Thankfully Dorothy wasn't suspicious and she went back to her client.
Duo killed time in the locker room, fussing over his appearance in the reflection of the mirror on the inside of the door, as if it mattered what he looked like. It was just his nerves acting up. At ten thirty on the dot he appeared in the doorway of WuFei's unofficial "dojo" in the back of the building. Centered in the space was a square mat for sparring, and five punching bags hung down from sturdy railings on the ceiling, so they could be pushed out of the way, against the wall, or pulled out into the open space for use. Propped up against a wall was a bundle of wooden staffs, for fighting, and on a shelf he kept a couple of nunchucks and rubber knives and daggers. The wall opposite of the door was fully covered in mirrors.
Duo leaned against the doorframe and watched.
Currently, WuFei was standing off center on the mat, facing the door, but he didn't even acknowledge Duo as he was focused on his student, holding protective padding up at the height of his chest which Heero kicked with great force every time WuFei said "Go." Heero was too focused on his task to notice Duo in the reflection. The man was dressed in oversized sweatpants and a loose-fitting, long-sleeved white shirt – a shirt that would have probably ended up light blue if he had accidentally washed it with that pair of blue underwear. The big clothes made his frame look bigger than it was and he more resembled "the kid from Pride", as Duo remembered him. The young man's face was red from exertion and sweat dripped down his temples and stained his hair dark. He would have looked like a total mess, like Duo was used to seeing his clients in the gym as he worked them over, if not for that cold determination in his blue eyes
"Go! Go! Go!" The man instructed in quick succession and Heero raised his leg and kicked the padding with all his might, even forcing WuFei to inch back to maintain his balance as the other man kicked harder and faster every time. "Go! Go!" Attached to the forearm of his left arm was a big piece of black padding, whereas on his right hand he only had a round pad, like a big, padded baseball mitt. He had been keeping his right hand behind his left forearm, to help absorb the impact of the blows, but suddenly he raised his right hand high, higher than his head and yelled simultaneously: "Up here! Go! Go!"
With trained precision Heero switched feet and kicked his left leg up; the foot hitting the pad dead-center and even though he was practically standing in a split to reach WuFei's hand, the sound of the impact was still deafening and echoed through the room. WuFei kept yelling 'go' and switching the position of the padding, following a routine they must have practiced because without further instructions Heero knew exactly when to kick or when to use his balled fists. The rapid combinations were impressive.
WuFei was never one to let an appointment run long, he was a stickler for the rules, but it was apparent he enjoyed training with the other man and Duo had no hard time imagining why. Heero's drive was apparent and he excelled beyond what was expected of someone who had been training for less than a year; that excited WuFei.
The kicks started to lose their power – the sounds dulled. Heero was panting harshly, not willing to give up as long as his teacher expected him to continue, in spite of his exhaustion. He nearly lost his balance adjusting the height of his kick, but he caught himself and maneuvered into a different position to land uppercuts as WuFei lowered the pad.
"Okay, okay. That's good. Stop," WuFei instructed.
One more punch and then Heero let his hands hang limply at his sides. His mouth was open as he sucked in deep breaths; he staggered back a little.
"That was really good Heero, really powerful kicks," the trainer complimented. "You nearly forced me off the mat there. Notice how much better you can land the kicks using the right part of your foot?" Heero nodded; WuFei chuckled. "Keep doing that. You would have broken your own toes if you had kicked that hard using the front of your feet." He gave Heero another second, then they ended the session with a formal bow.
Finally, WuFei noticed his friend in the doorway and Duo straightened up. His eyes met Heero's in the big mirror.
"Duo," the trainer acknowledged him, a little strained. "Can I help you?"
Heero had his head down and was taking off the handwraps, quickly rolling them off one hand and onto the fingers of the other.
"I'd like to talk to Heero for a moment, if he's cool with that."
WuFei nodded. He looked back at Heero who wasn't responding. "Okay. I'll give you guys some privacy." As he walked out the door, past Duo, he remarked: "Just be careful about what you say, because this guy can totally kick your ass."
Duo watched a small smirk appear on Heero's lips. WuFei patted his back in show of support and then left them alone.
Heero stripped the wrapping off his other hand and put the two bundles in his sports bag in the corner, then he grabbed a small towel to wipe the sweat off his face.
"Do you mind talking for a moment?" Duo asked, trying his best not to sound pushy.
"Why? You said before that you didn't know what to say; that there was nothing you could say."
"I know. You caught me off guard. I had to think for a moment, sort some stuff out."
For the first time Heero looked at him, an impatient look in his eyes.
"I was very drunk," he started.
Heero scoffed. "Yeah, you must have been, to humor a guy like me."
"Please…" Duo begged and then reiterated: "I was very drunk that night – and I'm not saying that as an excuse! What I mean to say is: I shouldn't have gotten that drunk, because I knew damn well how I get when I'm wasted. I guess I wanted you to know that what happened that night had an impact on me too. I don't do that shit any more. I don't do drugs anymore and I don't drink like that anymore. And I certainly don't consider those guys friends anymore."
When he had sobered up the next morning, he couldn't remember much, just vague glimpses and muffled laughter. He knew something abhorrent had happened – that he had done something awful – and the fact that he couldn't remember scared and angered him. He tried to ignore the brick in his stomach and continued living his life the way he had: getting high and wasted with that group of friends, but it didn't last long. It didn't feel right, he couldn't trust himself around them. He cut them out of his life a few months after, when Dorothy had clued him in about the trainer position opening up at her gym, and he met the straight-laced WuFei; he realized he should surround himself with better people, so he himself could be a better person.
He tried to tell Heero all of that, in the most coherent way possible, but sometimes he lost track of himself. He hoped the man was listening to him, even though he wasn't making much sense a lot of the time, jumping back and forth in time as he tried to explain his actions. He gestured nervously with his hand and found it difficult to meet Heero's scrutinizing gaze. His voice wavered with his anxiety.
"So, anyway…" he trailed off. "That's the story. I wanted you to know that. I know it's selfish to bother you with this stuff, to try to explain myself, but…- I don't know," he shook his head hopelessly and cast his gaze down to his feet. "I thought maybe it might help you too. If it doesn't, it's okay if you want to get mad at me, or whatever. Whatever helps." He dared to look up at him again to find Heero had been staring off to the side with a pensive look on his face, like he was working out a mathematical problem. "I didn't remember you," Duo added, "but I never forgot about that night. About the Pride where I did nothing to be proud of." He let out a bitter chuckle. "I'm sorry," he said again. He must have interrupted himself with apologies dozens of times during his own monologue, but it didn't seem to do much for Heero.
He waited for a few heartbeats. The silence was tense. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"… Yes."
Duo nodded. "Okay… I'm sorry for bothering you." After a short delay he turned around and walked down the corridor. His heart dropped into his stomach when he noticed Dorothy leaning against the wall. He ignored her and walked by her, but she followed him into the main area of the gym, where only a couple of people were still working out on the treadmills and home trainers.
"Heero is the fiver from Pride?" She prodded, her voice high with disbelief.
Knowing there was no point in denying it – she had eavesdropped on, presumably, their entire, one-sided conversation – he nodded in response.
"Holy shit! Well, he sure ain't a fiver no more. Boy is hot AF."
"I guess so." But it shouldn't matter that he looked differently now. It shouldn't mean that he would get treated differently. But Duo knew how the world worked, how people worked, and he knew that it was different.
"I can't wait to tell Relena," she smirked. "She's going to be so upset her Golden boy is gay, she is going to need a shoulder to cry on – and I have excellent shoulders."
He sighed and turned to look at her. "Dorothy," he started carefully, not intending to hurt her feelings, since he knew her affection for Relena was genuine, in spite of her attitude, "Relena is-"
Dorothy steeled her gaze and her carefree grin faltered. "I know she's straight, okay?" She shot and her hurt was apparent. "I know it's never going to-…" She forced on a smile. "But let's not get real. Let's just keep it fun. Let me pretend."
Duo stared at her and for the first time he felt sad for her. "Okay."
She looked away and fiddled with the settings of her sports watch. After a while she mumbled: "I'm sorry about giving you shit all the time. You have changed. I just like to deny it, cuz…" She straightened her shoulders and flashed him a grin, "Well, nobody likes a goodie-two-shoes!" Without further ado she walked away, headed for the staff locker rooms.
The American walked home, not sure if he felt any better about what had happened in the past. The memory of that night would continue to run through his mind, getting clearer and more vivid every time as each new remembered detail sparked the memory of another, until there were no secrets and blank spots left.
When he was scheduled to take over the floor shift on Saturday, he asked Dorothy to cover for him and she did. He wasn't sure if he was avoiding Heero for his own benefit or for Heero's, but it seemed better to not have another run-in, regardless.
It was another Monday and Duo sat in the corner at the Laundromat, entertaining himself with cat videos on Youtube, and losing himself further and further into the maze of suggested videos until he was watching sappy, grand proposals. The two washers he had claimed for himself beeped shortly after one another and he shuttled the wet laundry across the room to the dryers on the other side. He took a seat again, crossing his legs and adjusting the collar of his shirt, which was irritating him. The shoulders, sleeves and back of the black shirt were mesh, normally something he'd go clubbing in, but he had nothing else left to wear. He pressed the home-button on his phone and opened the notes app.
BUY MORE CLOTHES, he typed, purposefully using all caps. He was never one to turn down an excuse to go shopping, even though he knew he would, somehow, still end up having nothing to wear come next laundry day.
People walked in and out, but he didn't look up. Everyone minded their own business. Whenever a machine beeped, everyone looked up, to check if it was theirs. When it wasn't, they turned their attention back to their knitting, crossword puzzles, books and phones.
So Duo was completely caught off guard when he sensed someone coming to stand in front of him.
"Hello," said a pleasant, deep voice.
The American cast his gaze up and was startled by the sight of Heero looming over him; his mouth a tight, thin line and his blue eyes narrowed. He didn't appear to be at the laundromat to do his laundry, at least he didn't look like he had nothing left to wear; he looked great in black skinny jeans with rips and tears on the thighs and a simple, white T-shirt. Duo shot up from his seat, but regretted it instantly when he realized how closely together they were standing all of a sudden. Heero calmly took a step back.
"Heero, hi."
"Are you almost done here?"
Duo frowned and cast a sideway glance at the display on the two dryers. "In about an hour…"
Heero checked his watch. "Would you like to meet for coffee at three?"
"Uhm…"
"I've figured out what I want to say, if you don't mind listening."
"No!" He hurried to assure him. "No, I- You gave me a chance to speak, so you should definitely-… Coffee is fine. Coffee at three is fine." Thankfully that left him with enough time to go home and iron a pair of jeans and a presentable shirt. "There's – uh – a really nice coffee place down the street, on the corner of the park. The Coffee Lab?"
"Okay. I'll meet you there."
"Cool. Yeah." He watched Heero walk away and out the door. Duo's palms were sweaty and he wiped them on his tennis shorts. He wondered what Heero wanted to say. The idea of a public setting was in fact a relief, at least he didn't plan on kicking his ass, which Duo didn't doubt he could if he wanted to.
He wiggled his leg anxiously as he waited for the dryers to finish, and busied himself trying to figure out which jeans and shirt he would wear. Stressing over what to wear was all par for the course for a gay guy like him.
The dryers beeped; he hurried to gather up all his clothes, then he jogged home when he realized he also had enough time for a quick shower – unfortunately not enough time to wash his hair. He decided on a pair of casual, dark jeans and his current favorite shirt: a navy and white, horizontal striped shirt. The shoulders were a solid blue and the bottom few inches at the hem were white; in-between the colors transitioned into each other, alternating increasingly thinner blue stripes with increasingly thicker white stripes.
Duo stood in front of the mirror and played with his bangs as long as he could until it was time to leave. He snatched his wallet and keys off the kitchen table and headed out.
The walk to The Coffee Lab was short and he should have known that, considering he stopped by for coffee and a sweet treat often enough. He arrived fifteen minutes early in the quaint café. The coffee bar of repurposed dark wood was by the entry, and beyond that was an open space with Parisian style tables and chairs and wooden booths along the midnight blue walls. Random pictures and odd trinkets decorated every inch of the place and lazing on the floor by the front door was the dark brown – coffee-colored – Labrador retriever that the café was actually named after. The old animal's muzzle had greyed with age. At the sound of the bell as Duo pushed the door open, the dog reared its head up and lazily wagged its tail, hitting the floor with dull thuds.
"Hey there, old boy," Duo greeted him and bent down to scratch his ear for a moment.
The owner and barista greeted him and he walked past the bar to find a seat. He decided to occupy one of the booths in the back, far away enough from the bar and the three other patrons to have a private conversation, but still within line of sight of the door, so Duo could spot Heero as soon as he came in and Heero didn't have to look for him either.
"The usual, Duo?" Asked the owner who had come up to his booth.
"I'm waiting for someone."
"Okay, I'll be back to take your orders when your friend gets here."
Friend? Not quite. "Thanks."
He waited and waited. Read through the sweets menu and then toyed with the laminated paper, twirling it on the surface of the table.
When it was five past three he figured Heero had changed his mind about wanting to talk to him, but just as that thought popped in his head the old-fashioned bell above the door rang and he turned his head to look.
Heero walked in, still wearing his black skinny jeans and white T-shirt. He had his gaze cast down at the dog on the floor and he smiled at the animal when it raised its head and wagged its tail like it always did when a customer came through the door. The man squatted down by the dog and petted the top of its head. He straightened up and looked around and spotted Duo right away. He crossed the distance between them and stood by the booth. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." He didn't provide any explanation and Duo didn't really care. The man slipped into the seat across from him.
Before Duo could say anything the owner appeared at the table. "What can I get you?"
"Plain black coffee, please," said Heero.
"And I'll have a Latte Macchiato and a plate of the mini-cakes." Duo explained to the other sheepishly: "I'm hungry." He was very hungry, he had skipped lunch. He had planned to stop by Subway on his way back from the laundromat but the day turned out a little differently. "I hope you don't mind; we can share if you'd like."
"No, I don't really eat sweets anymore."
Duo felt a rush of anxiety as he fretted about saying and doing all the wrong things. He tried to lighten the atmosphere by joking: "Right, Relena's orders I'm guessing." Remembering she was his dietician.
"Hn."
Duo expected Heero to start talking, but the younger man remained quiet as they waited for their coffee. They didn't have to wait long. Heero was served his black coffee in a funny, novelty mug, and Duo's was in a classic tall glass, with chocolate sprinkles on top of the milk foam. The big plate of mini-cakes was appetizing: an assortment of bite-sized cakes of different flavors and with various frostings and toppings. The owner had generously put more cakes on the plate than usual, expecting them to be sharing the treat.
Nervously – and before his stomach could growl and rumble in an unflattering way – he popped a cake into his mouth and chewed quickly. "If you change your mind, feel free." He pushed the plate to the center of the table.
Heero looked tempted but he shook his head. "I like your shirt," he commented.
Duo wasn't prepared for the compliment, but he smiled. "Thanks, it's my favorite."
"It's better than mesh."
He laughed heartedly, grateful for the joke. "Yeah, it's better than mesh," he concurred.
Heero took a sip of his strong coffee and kept his hands cradled around the mug as he put it back down on the table. "I suppose I should just get to it. I won't keep you long."
"Don't worry about it."
Heero released a nervous chuckle and the American felt sympathetic. "That night was really horrible," he started and he wouldn't meet Duo's eyes; instead, he stared into his coffee. "It changed a lot about me."
Duo didn't interrupt him with more apologies, he was focused on listening.
"It was my first Pride. I had kept my sexuality a secret all that time because I was afraid, but the stress and the burden of that secret was really affecting me. I gained a lot of weight because food was this little bit of happiness and comfort that I could get whenever I needed it – and I needed it a lot." He chuckled bitterly. "I finally came out to everyone that year and… most people didn't take it very well. So I joined the organization committee for the march, just to be around people like me, and that's where I met my friends. They convinced me to come barhopping with them after the march. I didn't do that sort of stuff before, but I was curious." He looked up, perhaps only to check if Duo was listening. Their eyes met in silence for a moment, before he continued.
"When I saw you, with your friends, I was… jealous, more than anything. You were so comfortable in your own skin, so at ease with your sexuality. I wanted to be around that, as if it would rub off on me. And you were hot, obviously."
Duo smiled.
"I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did. I'm not saying I wanted you to stop, but what I mean is: it wasn't my intention to have sex with you, that wasn't the plan. But I did like it, when it happened. It made me feel very special. All night long guys had been giving me that look like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough to be there… But you made me feel good enough and that was pretty amazing. For as long as it lasted." He took a deep breath.
Duo stared. His heart was racing. He had forgotten all about his appetite and the aromatic coffee in front of him.
"When your friends revealed they had been there the entire time, listening, I was so embarrassed. I locked myself in that stall and I thought you would make them go away. But you let them yell things at me and bang on the door and climb up on the toilet in the stall next to it and look down at me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I stayed in that stall for two hours after you all had left.
"After a while of feeling very sorry for myself, I vowed to get some sort of 'revenge', which became this multiple step quest. It wasn't supposed to be. I thought it would be a one step process. I thought: if I just lose the weight, nothing like that will ever happen to me again. So I went to a dietician – Relena – and I started running and cycling and I lost the weight… only to realize I didn't feel any more confident.
"I was still scared about it happening again, with you as a representation of that fear. Nothing changed. So then the second step of the plan was added: get fit. Relena recommended that I start doing kickboxing, so I did. I would get fit and confident and then that would be it; that night would lose its power over me and I wouldn't have to worry about guys like you and your friends anymore. But, of course, that also didn't happen. I became muscular and able to fight, but I was still shy and introverted.
"When I found out by accident that you were a trainer at the same gym, I wanted to quit; but then I figured, not letting you change my life would be the final step. So I didn't let the thought of running into you change my routine."
Duo nodded as he listened intently.
"And – you guessed it – it didn't matter. I concluded that the only way to finally get over it, was to make you feel bad about it and make you apologize in some way. I hadn't worked up the courage to approach you yet when we met in the laundromat. I wasn't going to say anything but then, as you started to leave, I was just so sick of myself obsessing over that one night three years ago that I just blurted it out, to get it over with." Heero was mindlessly twisting the coffee mug in his hand. "I could tell that you felt bad, that you felt guilty and that your apology was genuine."
"It was," Duo finally spoke up.
They were both silent for a moment and stared at each other.
"Did it help? Was it finally what you needed?" Duo wondered.
"No… And that really upset me. It caught me off guard because, I couldn't figure out any more steps to complete. Confronting you, and having you apologize and clearly feeling bad, should have been it. There was nothing left for me to do, so I felt like I had lost control."
And because he was upset he canceled his training with WuFei that day, Duo surmised.
"Even when you came to my training and explained everything, I still didn't feel any better."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Heero assured him. "Because I finally realized why it didn't help."
Duo raised his eyebrows.
"Getting past it was never about you," he concluded. "Or your friends. Taking revenge by becoming better looking and making you feel bad was never going to work. But I was so focused on you, I thought I still needed you to save me, in a way; you were the key. It didn't dawn on me until a little while ago that I had saved myself. I didn't need you to make that night right anymore, I've evolved past it. That night was the catalyst that made me who I am today: someone better, someone stronger.
"That night… It wouldn't impact the person I am now; it probably wouldn't even happen to me nowadays. Not because I'm 'hot' now, but because I'm stronger. I'm still introverted and awkward, but I can stand up for myself and protect myself. I don't need someone else for that, like I needed you back then. I wouldn't lock myself in that stall anymore and wait for you to save me; I'd just tell you and your friends to fuck off. I saved myself, by my own strength, and I would again. Once I realized that, that night… lost its power over me." He frowned a little at his own explanation, not sure if he was able to express himself clearly, but after a moment of silence, he simply nodded in conclusion.
Duo smiled. "I'm relieved you have discovered this about yourself. And I'm happy that you wanted to share this with me."
"I could tell you felt sincerely guilty and when I realized you feeling bad wasn't helping me in any way, I figured you deserved to know that you didn't need to feel that way about it anymore."
"Thanks, although… I deserve every bit of guilt I've felt."
"Well, it's fine. I'm fine now. It might not have been what I wanted, but maybe it was something I needed." Heero leaned back and relief washed over him as he found closure.
"I guess I can kinda see that. There are things in our past that we hate, but we wouldn't change 'em because we know we'd be different otherwise." Duo nodded along with the reasoning, and thought back to moments in his own past that shaped him. Not all changed him for the better, but a lot of it did, or so he'd like to think so. "I'm wondering about those who don't like how they turned out. Not entirely at least."
"Is that the case for you?"
"A bit, yeah."
"What don't you like?"
Duo blinked at Heero, a little taken aback by the turn in the conversation. He released a sigh and sat back, folding his arms in front of his chest. "I'm kind of a man-whore."
Heero quirked an eyebrow at the crass admission. "Okay…"
"I've been trying to date and have a real relationship, but so far it's not working," he shared candidly, not exactly sure why. "If our past experiences decide who we turn out to be, then I'm just wondering what events made me end up… 'fuckable' but 'undateable'."
"It doesn't have to be how you 'end up'. You decide whether this is the end or not," Heero offered and he took a sip of his coffee.
A smile tugged at Duo's lip. "Yeah. I like the sound of that. Thanks."
Heero shrugged.
They both took a quiet moment to think to themselves. The tension between them had evaporated and Duo felt a calm and a relaxation sitting across from the other. After speaking their feelings and clearing the air, it seemed to Duo that Pride bonded them; in a way they had shared a moment in their lives that turned out to be very significant for both of them. Duo felt it created a closeness between them, even though the moment had been negative and had caused them both to rethink and reinvent themselves.
"Do you mind if I take one of those?"
Duo smiled as Heero pointed at the plate. "No, not at all. Take whatever you like."
Heero reached out and grabbed a square of chocolate cake with chocolate ganache and a raspberry on top. He picked off the small red fruit and ate that first, before taking a tiny, experimental bite of the cake that was small enough to fit into a man's mouth at once.
Duo watched, amused, while Heero reveled in the taste and a pink tongue came out to lick a crumb and a stain of ganache off his lower lip, before taking a second bite. "Good?"
"Hmhm." He covered his mouth with his hand as he smiled.
With his appetite returning to him, Duo grabbed one of the red velvet cakes with strawberry filling, and stuffed it in his mouth with a cheeky sparkle to his eyes. Heero finished his chocolate cake and Duo could tell he wanted to have another but was feeling too self-conscious, so Duo stuffed another cake into his mouth and then – with a mouthful - recommend that Heero should try the cinnamon coffee cake with caramel drizzle. The other man took his advice and tried it; taking a bigger first bite that time. "Hmm." He nodded appreciatively.
"Won't Relena get mad at you?" Duo teased.
As relieved as Duo was to be talking about something else, Heero replied: "Hn. Relena is already mad at me. Somehow, she found out I was gay and this really pissed her off for some reason…" He trailed off and his brows furrowed. "She said something along the lines of: 'Dorothy was right: men are exhausting'. I don't know what that was all about."
Duo smirked secretly.
The other man put the remainder of the small cake in his mouth and bit back a moan.
Duo had to fight back a moan himself. "How long has it been since you indulged on something like this?"
Heero swallowed his bite before replying: "My last bite of cake was at my friend's birthday, two years ago. He insisted."
"You're kidding!"
Heero shrugged and finished his cake. "I was more or less addicted to food. Quitting cold turkey seemed easier – less temptation. Actually, cold turkey is about the only thing I didn't quit eating."
Duo snickered at the joke. "You know, I don't know what Relena has told you, but given how often you work out – and the intensity of the work-outs that WuFei puts your through – you can afford a piece of cake once in a while."
"That's true. I guess I've just been a little afraid of unleashing the cookie-monster."
Duo laughed and was mesmerized when Heero smiled brightly at him in return. He had a cute smile, a flash of beautiful teeth and his pink tongue pressing up against them, visible between the pearly whites and the full bottom lip. It was exactly the way Duo remembered if from three years ago, only now he got to see it without the haze of alcohol. But then the man covered his mouth with his hand, and when he lowered his hand again the smile was gone.
Heero announced: "I'm going to go home." Duo couldn't help but let his disappointment show. "Thanks for coming out to talk to me." He shifted in his seat to the dig the wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans.
"No, please, it's my treat," Duo insisted.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, come on, don't be ridiculous."
"Okay." He looked a little impish. "Thanks." He remained seated for a second longer, staring at Duo with a confused frown and then he awkwardly scooted to the edge of the bench and got up.
"If- Uh-…" Duo laughed at himself for stumbling over his own words. "Would you like to go out sometime? For dinner? I know a place that has great cold turkey." It was a bold thing to ask, but he felt like he had to take a shot. Perhaps he was misreading things, perhaps he was misguided by his own exhilaration at having the issue from the past resolved, but he felt like there was a chemistry between them that titillated him.
"I'm sorry. I don't think that's a good idea. That's not what I came for."
Duo felt a bright, embarrassing blush on his cheek. "Okay. Yeah. Cool. No problem. I was just…" He waved his hand dismissively.
"I'll see you around, Duo." Heero said his goodbye and then promptly walked off.
"… Bye," Duo responded, altogether far too late to be heard; Heero was already out the door.
Edit: Guys! AGAIN: This. Is. Not. The. End.
You do realize that when a story is complete, it literally says so, right? In the light grey text under the story summary. At the very end it would say "Complete", if that was the case. Also, if you'd read the Author's Notes (!), you'd know that the story is thirty thousand words long and clearly these two chapters do not amount to thirty thousand words. We have two more chapters to go. Honestly, I'm not doing anything different from usual, I've never been a 'tbc'-girl, so I don't know why ya'll keep thinking the story is over. Is it because of the "this was written as a oneshot"-stuff? Because if you read that you should have read the rest of that AN.
Love you all.
Be yourself, without apologies, and be proud of who you are.
