Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
The first time Dean sees Castiel his immediate thought is, 'I'm gonna' gank that sonuvabitch.'
And he proceeds to try. The bullets bounce off. The knife does nothing. Castiel is an unknown, and that makes Dean uneasy. Terrified. What is this thing? What does it want with him?
He's been hunting his entire life; anything he doesn't know how to kill is…unsettling, to say the least. And not only is he going into this blind, with the demon-killing knife as the only possibly effective weapon, he also has to deal with the fact that the sight of this thing burned out Pamela's eyes. It must be powerful.
But of course it would have to be powerful to pull him out of Hell.
(Screams, screams, screams, screams, screams.
"Hello, Dean…" Sick, to sound so joyful in Hell. But he was a sick man, wasn't he?
He takes a long pull from his beer, unwilling to head down that road.)
That's another thing: why would this thing pull him out of the Pit (Blood: hot, coppery, thick, everywhere. He's choking.) if he's obviously doing alright on his own? Does he need someone to do his dirty work?
(Alastair jabs and scrapes and tears, until-
It's the hardest choice he's ever made, but he can't-he just can't. He picks up that blade, and he leaves Dean Winchester behind. Leaves him screaming, screaming, screaming on the rack.)
The thought that he might have some control over Dean makes his skin crawl. He doesn't think his anti-possession tattoo covers eye-burning, dimension-traveling monsters. Maybe the hand print on Dean's arm will let the monster control him. Maybe he's already a lost cause.
He never wanted to come back like this. He would rather be back in Hell than be this monster's lackey.
(Dean cringes at the thought, images of hooks pulling and blades tearing and blood pouring flicker behind his eyelids.)
He prepares himself for a high-level demon.
(Please let it not be Alastair. Please, don't let this be a trick.)
He gets an angel instead.
Dean doesn't really buy it-not at first, at least. But Castiel obviously isn't a demon or any other thing they've discovered, and Bobby says he checks out. And then there's the whole time-traveling bit.
He still doesn't get it, though.
Why him?
Sure, he's a good hunter and he saves people, but doesn't the booze and love 'em and leave 'em attitude factor into the equation? He didn't think God would be on board with that.
He didn't even think there was a God.
(Some part of him-the part that's not preoccupied with Hunting and trying to stop the world from ending-is disappointed, because this means that God is actually letting monsters kill innocent people. Letting people kill innocent people.
It's like finding out that Santa's real, but that he'd rather booze it up in Mexico than give out any presents.
Except more disappointing, because of the whole "God doesn't give a shit" thing.)
He doesn't tell Sammy about this revelation-can't bring himself to-because the kid's already been though a ton of crap: he doesn't need a spiritual crisis added to his plate.
It breaks his heart when Sam meets Uriel. He just wanted one thing about Sam's life to be untainted by a harsh reality. Just one thing. It feels like he's failed Sammy. Like he's letting him down again.
He doesn't know how he feels about Sam meeting Castiel. Castiel's an angel, so he's a dick, but something about him makes Dean think he's not as bad as the others.
"I have doubts." Castiel admits, a troubled look on his face.
Maybe it's because he can relate: it's not like Dean has always been fully in charge of his life. He followed his dad's orders, even when he wasn't sure how he felt about them. He sided with his dad on every issue, because his word was absolute.
It took Dean a long time to figure out that that ("Dad says…", "Dad thinks…", "It was an order, Sammy") didn't mean he was right.
(Dean watches, jaw clenched, and says nothing (Sammy, Dad, Sammy, Dad-why can't he have both?) as Sam walks out that door and doesn't come back.)
From the way Castiel was talking, he figures they're more or less in the same boat. Except for the part where Castiel's dad is God, which adds a whole new dimension to the whole abandonment issue. And, besides that…
There's something about him, something about this holy tax accountant that makes Dean feel like he matters.
"You don't think you deserve to be saved?" Castiel looks like it's the only truth he's ever known, and he never quite loses that look, never quite loses his unwavering faith in Dean.
It unnerves him, at first. He struggles with Castiel's intense stares and unrestrained, sincere declarations. And then it scares him, because he starts to care. Because wide-eyed Cas, the one who gripped him tight and raised him from Perdition, actually matters to him.
And it's never good when people become important to Dean, especially not Cas important. Which leaves him wondering if there's really a precedent in his life, if there's really anything that can compare to this, this…whatever between he and Cas.
The answer scares him more than anything.
Because…
"Hey, Cas…" Dean trails off, caught up in Castiel's stare. He indulges for a moment, just standing there and losing himself in those impossibly blue eyes.
Castiel tilts his head ever so slightly, his brow furrowing as he asks, "Yes, Dean?"
Dean swallows nervously, but doesn't break his stare, doesn't run away from this (he's so tired of running) "I love you."
And damn, Cas looks completely taken aback, but he seems to regain his senses after a moment of blank staring. He smiles his you deserve to be saved smile, the most convincing rendition Dean's seen, and that well of anxiety that had built up in Dean's chest drains away, because how could he have ever doubted what Castiel feels for him?
A/N: Until next time!
