Ren's Note:
#23 from fishbone76 this prompt on Tumblr: "things you said when you put me back into my cage after being caught. :D"
"This is the third time this week," Shepard sighed as she snapped the lid shut. She tapped a finger on the glass cage, where a brown and white bundle of fur squeaked back happily. "Look, I know you miss me. But you're starting to freak out the crew."
The terminal next to the hamster cage flashed a series of unread email subject lines, none of which Shepard needed to open to get the gist: Socks was becoming a bit of a menace on the Normandy.
"See? Your 'fan mail' is starting to stack up. I'm getting a reputation for being a terrible mother." The SpecTRe sighed and flicked a finger half-heartedly across the holo screen to browse her emails.
["THAT HAMSTER SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!"] Vega? Maybe Samantha. Allers uses more exclamation points.
["Shepard, either I need a proper bed or your hamster needs a leash"] …you're the one who wanted to crash on the couch and/or floor, Ash.
["Your little bosh'tet crawled up my leg. I almost overclocked the drive core into a black hole."] Can you blame him? It's a nice leg, Tali!
Shepard drummed her fingers on her desk and glared at the rodent. Socks squeaked in alarm and burrowed down in his bedding. Only the hamster's wriggling nose and a few whiskers could be seen poking out.
["In my cycle…"] Don't even need to finish that, Shepard smirked and scrolled past.
["I have a bet going with one of the engineers. Can I borrow your hamster for my next set of calibrations? I'm thinking organic ammo for the Thanix. Reapers won't see him coming."] No, Garrus. Just… no.
["I had an honorary co-pilot during our last mission. Good conversationalist, but don't really have seat belts that small. Should I put in a requisition?"] Wait, Socks made it off-ship on Cortez's shuttle?!
"You're gonna get yourself spaced, little guy," Shepard sighed again. "If you become too big a distraction…" She let the threat hang in the air and continued skimming the last few emails.
["It was nice to have some company in the Med-Bay last night. You hamster also seems to have a taste for Serrice Ice Brandy."] You would be a terrible veterinarian, Karin.
["Despite Jeff's objections, I noted a 12% increase in conversation in the presence of your mesocricetus auratus in the cockpit. May I run further tests to determine optimal hamster placement for maximum dialogue?"] We are not experimenting on my hamster, EDI.
["I barely got any work done last night because Glyph was focused more on rounding up your pet rather than updating me."] Well, you probably needed the sleep anyway, Liara. You're going to run yourself into… the… ground…
"…which was the point, wasn't it?" Shepard cocked her head, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear. "You devious little shit. You're doing this on purpose to distract everybody from the war."
Squeaking, Socks half-emerged from his hole. The hamster's black eyes blinked back innocently, the little pink nose sniffing at the air in quick intervals.
Shepard dug a hamster treat disc out of her desk drawer, then thought better of it and grabbed a handful. She sprinkled them into the glass terrarium.
"I neither condone nor deny this sort of behavior, Soldier."
Two discs were already crammed into fat cheeks while tiny paws reached for more. Muffled, excited squeaks echoed in the cage. Shepard laughed and rubbed a forefinger along Sock's back.
"But I think there's a promotion in your future."
