Funnyface
Chapter Two
Thank the Gods for Moony
"You sure she's going to be here, Jay-Bird?" James Potter asked nervously, his hand running through his already messy black hair. He had dressed specially for this occasion; he wanted Lily to be impressed. He wore a crisp white shirt – well, it had been crisp and white when they left. Now, it was wrinkled and had ketchup stains down the front of it – and clean khaki pants. Well, they weren't necessarily clean anymore, either. Sirius had been walking backward and run into James, causing him to fall down in a spot of grass, so his clean pants now had grass stains on the knees. Nevertheless, he had made an effort and when they left the Potter place, he looked more presentable than the rest of the gang.
"Yes, James. For the fifty-third time, I am sure she will be here. I told Lily I need new robes and wanted her opinion." Jane answered as patiently as she could, her hands twitching to wring his neck. Honestly, did he not realize that she had turned her wardrobe over to Lily Evans? She'd be stuck prancing around in uncomfortable clothes all year.
James' hands wrung in anxiety as he posed another question. "And she knows the guys and I will be here?"
"Yes! I said that I was stuck with you lot, 'cause your mom doesn't trust you and Sirius on your own. That's why we are shopping for our supplies as well. James, honestly, if you ask me one more time... you know the new Bat-Bogey hex Lily came up with last year?" James gulped and nodded. "The curse I use on you will be much, much worse."
Before James had any time to think about what could be worse than a Bat-Bogey, the object of his worry stepped out of the magical entrance to Diagon Alley. Lily Evans was quite a stunning girl, with long, thick, red hair that cascaded down her shoulders, a thin build, and a charming smile. However, that was nothing compared to her eyes. They were an emerald green that shone so bright they could make the stars jealous. Well, at least James imagined the stars to be jealous.
"Jay-Jay! It's so good to see you!" Lily exclaimed as she ran to wrap Jane in a hug. "I see you haven't changed a bit."
Jane cringed inwardly. She loved Lily, she did. Honestly, she was the only true female friend Jane had, but that did not mean she missed the 'poor tom-boy' ache in Lily's tone.
Letting Jane out of her hug, Lily nodded a hello to the boys. "So, have you guys been to any shops yet?" she asked cheerfully.
"Nope, not yet. We've been waiting on you, Evans," Sirius answered sharply, already annoyed with the effect she had on Jane and James. Only a girl could make Jane cringe like that, and only Lily Evans could turn James into a pile of mush.
"Well, how nice of you, Black," Lily bit out at Sirius.
"Hey, now play nice, you two!" Jane refereed, shooting a quick glare at Sirius, who promptly ignored her. Lily smiled unaffectedly, and started toward the bookstore. Great just my luck! I get to play babysitter and referee, Jane thought in annoyance.
"Books first, then?" Remus asked. Thank the gods for Moony.
Remus Lupin smiled over at Jane as the group started toward Flourish and Blotts. "Time to let the games begin, eh, Janie?" he whispered, though no one but Jane was listening. Sirius and Lily were too busy glaring fiercely at each other. James had barely noticed the group was moving and continued his nervous fidgeting with the edge of his shirt, crumpling it beyond repair. Dear, little Peter looked around the small town peacefully, completely ignoring the interactions of the others.
"Was this a bad idea, Remus? I mean, Sirius is already ruining it for James, he doesn't stand a chance." Jane asked, looking up at the meek young man, hopelessness scrunching her eyebrows together.
With a quick smile, Remus shook his head and informed her of his game plan. "Jaybird, you take care of Sirius. Just give him a good telling off in one of the deserted sections of the bookstore. I will take care of Lily and James. Pete can take care of himself, as always." Speeding up to open the door for the group, he gave a mock bow as Lily, Jane, Sirius and Peter entered, winking at Jane as she gave him an odd look.
James, who was oblivious to all around him, was pulled abruptly to a halt. "Hey!" he shouted, looking back to find Remus holding on to his shirttail. "Shut up, James. I'm going to help you out of this mess you've already gotten yourself into with Lily."
"But I haven't even said anything yet!" James said in confusion, his hands still active in their attempt to destroy the bottom of his shirt.
Remus rolled his eyes, his sandy blond hair falling into his eyes as he shook his head in astonishment and pity. "Exactly. You didn't even say hello. Come on, James, where is that 'Potter Charm' you are always going on about? Pull yourself together, and stop acting like a nervous ten-year-old who's never spoken to a girl."
At that, James stood up a little straighter and vainly tried to smooth down his shirt and hair. "I am not acting like a ten-year-old!" he whined, stomping his foot, giving a smashing impression of a pouting, little kid.
Remus shook his head again. Pulling out his wand, he waved it across James' chest, causing all the wrinkles to smooth out and the ketchup stains to vanish. With another little wave at the knees of James' trousers, the grass stains faded, but did not disappear completely. "That's better. You will have to wait for a house elf to get the rest of the grass stain out though," he told his hopeless friend. "Now, be nice and try to be friendly with Lily. Not flirty, though. Just don't be an ass." He sighed, patting James on the back and sending him through the door, feeling a lot like a mother.
When Jane noticed that Remus had pulled James aside as they entered the store, she quickly devised a plan to ditch Lily for a minute so she could have a 'heart-to-heart' with Sirius Black. So far, all attempts at carrying out the plan had failed.
Lily was chattering ceaselessly in Jane's ear about Derrick and all the wonderful things he had done over the summer. Jane loved Lily, she really did. Derrick, however, Jane despised. He was a no-good charmer, who was using Lily and as soon as he got what he wanted, he was going to leave her broken-hearted for the next thing that walked by in a skirt. Therefore, Jane was currently nodding and awwing in all the right places, while thinking of a new way to rid herself of her friend for a few moments.
As Remus and James rejoined the group, he saw the desperate look on Jane's face and nodded to her. "Hey Lily, James and I were just discussing the best charm to use to remove grass stains. Which would you suggest? After all you are the best charms student in our year." He smiled and pulled James into conversation with Lily, though James didn't say much. He spent most of his time trying to swallow the large lump that seemed to have lodged itself in his throat.
"Oh, well, I always use a…" Remus winked at Jane as she left, dragging Sirius by the collar behind a bookshelf.
"Sirius Black, you wanker. How is James going to stand a chance with you constantly fighting with Lily? Do you know what I am about to go through for that prat? You had better not mess this up. Girl clothes,Sirius, girl clothes." Jane whispered harshly once she had found a deserted aisle. Sirius towered over the girl, his black hair falling into his eyes.
He was trying to look afraid or at least confused, but was having a hard time of it. This must be what it's like when you outgrow your Mum and she tries to ground you. Jane continued to lecture and rage at Sirius, though he was not hearing a word of it. His thoughts swirled around in his head, distracting him from her entire speech. She is so tiny. I wonder why I never noticed before. She's kind of cute when she is mad. Those curls escaping from that knot at the back of her head are distracting. They keep wiggling like little…wiggling things.
Oh, he mentally clapped his hands and jumped up and down, she has an eyelash on her cheek!
As Sirius' hand neared her cheek Jane's confused voice reached his ears. "Black, what the Hades are you doing? Are you even listening to me?" She slapped his hand away from her face, but he refused to retreat. "Sirius! Get your bloody hand away from me!"
"Relax, Jane, you have an eyelash," Sirius replied calmly, picking off the eyelash and showing it to her. "See?" he said, sounding pleased with himself, holding out his finger to show her the eyelash. Jane whacked him on the side of the head.
"You weren't listening to a thing I said, were you?" It was not a question really; she knew he had not been paying attention.
"Nope," he answered honestly and blew the eyelash off his fingertip. "Do you think my wish will come true? Considering it was your eyelash."
"Damn it, Sirius." Jane sighed and ran her hand through her hair, pulling even more curls out of her knot. "Just don't talk to Lily, unless it is absolutely necessary, and then be nice." As she stared up at him, she realized he was not capable of doing that on his own. "Look, stay close to Remus or me and we will let you know if you are out of line. Okay?" Jane pleaded with him, suddenly appearing to be very tired.
"Alright-y then," Sirius perkily replied as he draped an arm around her shoulders and led her out of the Divination section, flicking his wand and causing several copies of Predicting the Unpredictable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks to flop off the self. Jane slumped against him. This is going to be such a long day.
O
Their books bought, shrunk and stuffed in their pockets or bags, the sextet headed out to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions for some new school robes. Jane had put up a valiant effort of pretending to change her mind about new robes, but Lily would not have it.
"Jane they are covered in holes, faded, and one set even has a hole in the bum and everyone can see your knickers because you won't patch them," Lily informed Jane as they entered the shop.
"There comfy, Lils." Jane shrugged, completely uninterested in shopping for new robes.
Sirius pointed to his chest and smiled charmingly, announcing loudly, "I, personally, love the ones with the hole in the bum. How else would I know what color Jaybird's panties are?" His other arm was still around Jane's shoulders.
Lily had pulled Jane aside, confused when this she first saw this. Jane, laughing, explained that she had told Sirius to behave and the only way he could manage it was stay close to her or Remus. At that point, she pointed to Remus, who was then attempting to get Sirius to let go of his hand, bemusedly.
"Sirius commenting on my panties is considered to be misbehaving," Jane said, pointing her wand awkwardly over her head at him.
Sirius resisted the urge to hold his hands up in surrender and involuntarily shied away from Jane's wand. "Just trying to add to the conversation, Jay-Jay, no harm meant."
"Well, next time keep your little additions to yourself." Jane rolled her eyes and stuffed her wand back into her pocket.
"Aye aye, captain!" Sirius gave a mock salute.
The young, toffee-haired Madam Malkin stepped out from behind a stack of boxes at the tiny jingle of the bell on the door as it fell shut. "Ah, good day, dearies, here for new school robes, I assume."
"That, we are." Lily smiled shoving Jane forward. "Janie, why don't you go first?"
Jane glared back at Lily, but bit down a growl. Forcing a smile on her face, Jane stepped up and allowed the Madam to take her measurements. Thirty seconds later, both the Madam and Lily whisked her away to a dressing room.
The four boys flopped to the floor, deciding it was going to take a while. James and Sirius began playing some strange game the two of them had invented years ago. Remus pulled out a book a leaned against the wall sighing contentedly as he slipped into the world painted by the words. Peter snacked on one of the many treats stuffed into his pockets.
"No! I look like a freaking whore!" Jane's screeching voice caused all four boys' heads to snap to attention.
Sirius chuckled and shook his head. Lily and Madam Malkin were in for it now.
"Come on, Jane. Just ask Remus, he'll give you an honest opinion." Lily's calming voice drifted over the door of the changing rooms.
"No!"
"Jane," Lily begged.
"I look like a whore! I don't want any one to see me in this."
The boys could hear Lily huff and almost picture her face screwing up in stubborn determination. "Remus! Can you come here for a second?"
Moony shot the others a desperate look. "Please tell her I'm not here."
Sirius grinned mischievously. Imitating Remus' voice, he shouted, "On my way, Lily, love!"
"Thank you," Lily called back, evidently not catching the oddity of being referred to as 'love,' by Remus Lupin.
"Remus John Lupin, if you take one step toward this door I swear on my life I will kill you," Jane yelled.
Remus' eyes went wide and he shoved his book in his pocket. "Call me when it's my turn," he whispered and rushed outside.
After Remus' departure, it took a good hour for Lily to convince Jane to buy the set of robes. Honestly, though, Jane felt she had escaped mildly unharmed, one pair of whore robes, and the remainder of her clothes were basically left alone. Sure, they fitted a bit better, but they were her usual non-descript black robes.
New robes bundled up into their bags, the group set off toward the apothecary to refill their potion supplies for the upcoming school year.
"Ah look, Snape, it's Potty and his little gang of misfits," a blond man sneered, standing just inside the shop doors. His hook-nosed companion raised his head and nodded, uninterested.
"Malfoy! How great to see you again. It has been absolutely forever. How is Cissy?" Jane exclaimed, grabbing Malfoy in a hug. It was hard to say who was more revolted, Malfoy or Sirius; they both looked as if someone had placed a bowl of rotten fish under their noses. Malfoy shoved Jane off him. "Get off me, you blood-traitor whore!"
James, Remus and Peter, who had been snickering under their breath at Jane's antics, swiftly pulled out their wands as Jane stumbled back into Sirius' chest. Placing his hands on Jane's shoulders, Sirius tried to steady her.
Sensing disaster, Jane spoke before anyone else had a chance, attempting to keep everyone's attention on Malfoy. Lily would murder the lot of them if the boys' started in on Snape. Jane didn't understand why, though, Snape more than deserved everything he got, Lily was just stuck in memories of the past.
"Is that anyway to treat your bestest friend?" Jane asked. Then, she paused and then smiled knowingly. "Oh, I get it! You're still mad about last Christmas." Pinching his cheek like a grandmother would her small grandchild, she grinned widely. "Well, my friend, when you are so intoxicated that you're singing old Elvis songs and dancing naked it is only right that someone takes pictures."
Malfoy opened his mouth to speak but Lily interrupted, hoping to halt the fight that was sure to come. "Well, Malfoy, it is nice seeing you again, but we do have some shopping to do. Maybe we could have tea sometime?" at that, she herded the rest of the gang away, glancing briefly over her shoulder at Snape. He lifted his chin, his ebony eyes glittering angrily at her. She gave a weak smile before ignoring him completely.
Malfoy turned on his heel and left the shop, his robes swirling about his legs. Snape was left alone – easy prey in the minds of James, Peter, and Sirius. As Sirius started to mention something to James about Snape, Jane shot Remus a look and tried to draw Sirius' attention.
Not having any clue what to say, Jane lightly placed her hand on Sirius' arm. "Uh, thanks for," she gulped, "catching me." Oh Hades, what was that? 'Thanks for catching me?' Walker you need to learn to think quicker.
Sirius stared at her in confusion. "Er…No problem, Jaybird." Although Jane's approach was not exactly what she would have liked, it seemed to have worked, as Sirius was too busy staring confusedly at her to pay much attention to Severus Snape.
Remus had seen the look Jane shot him, but it was not really needed. Honestly, did she really think he was new to this? "James, keep your wand in your pocket, this is your chance to act mature in front of Lily. Behave," Remus whispered quickly to James. James nodded, stowing his wand back into his pocket.
With that done, the time went quickly, but tensely, until Snape left the store. On his way out however, he tripped, falling flat on his face. He shot the group a dirty look as he got up and continued out the store.
"James, how dare you!" Lily screeched. "That was so… so you! It was a low, dirty underhanded thing to do. Why can't you grow up?"
James looked completely lost. He had not jinxed Snape. He was being on his best behavior, for her. It wasn't his fault the big-nosed idiot had tripped. It was not his fault that she still cared for the prat. "I didn't trip him. Maybe he just fell on his own," James offered hopefully.
"Yeah, like that happened! I cannot believe you. You won't even admit to your wrongdoing." Lily glared, her red hair crackling in anger.
He whispered low, already beginning to lose his temper. "I didn't do it." Why did she always do that to him?
As Lily and James argued about whether or not James tripped Snape, Jane and Remus looked up at Sirius, who shook his head and looked to Peter. When realization dawned, both Jane and Remus thought, Damn it. We forgot Peter!
"Did."
"Didn't."
"DID!"
Peter was laughing, his eyes bouncing back and forth between Lily and James, as if he were watching a ping-pong match. A small hand rudely interrupted him as it whacked him on the back on the head. He turned and looked at Jane, who had her arms crossed, tapping her foot. "Okay, okay!" he said, his hands held up in surrender. Walking in between the two arguing teens, his hands up, he said simply, "I did it," and continued walking to the counter to pay for his supplies.
Lily looked down, ashamed; James looked defiant. Lily turned away and moved to follow Peter to pay for her things. "What, Peter doesn't get a lecture on how awful it is to jinx innocent – well, not innocent, more like evil, dirty and rotten – people?" James' voice sounded at her back.
Lily abruptly stopped and opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She chewed on her cheek before speaking. "No, because Peter wouldn't have done it if he wasn't trying to show off for you. Therefore, it is still your fault."
He stepped up into Lily's personal space, towering over her, but she held her ground, her green eyes glaring unblinkingly at him. James growled, "You make Peter sound like he has no mind of his own. Do not insult my friends! You know, you accuse me of being arrogant, but look at yourself, Evans, you judge people before you even know them."
James then took his supplies and shoved them into Sirius' basket, muttering, "I need some air, pay for this stuff for me, huh?" and he stormed out of the store.
As the five remaining members of the group watched James walk away, Peter whispered, "Sorry."
Jane patted him on the back. "Not your fault, mate. It was bound to happen. When have James and Lily spent more than two hours together without fighting? Come on, today must be a record!" Peter just smiled weakly.
The rest of the shopping day was spent with a huffy James and Lily. The others tried to ignore them and continue having a good time, although the peaceful feel of the excursion of earlier that day never returned.
Author's Note
: If you found any mistakes, have any questions, enjoyed the chapter, or disliked the chapter let me know in a review or PM. All feedback is not only welcomed but embraced.