Castiel looks down at his hands. It's almost funny how such a simple thing as coffee can hurt. Especially when he thinks about all the things he has been through, all the pain he has experienced. But he will at any time choose the physical pain over the mental.
He has for many years had a heavy heart, but it is as if even this pain has been exacerbated now that he is human. He feels more. But on the other hand, it is not that surprising. Angels are not made to feel, only to obey orders. But he knows he has never been good at following the rules, and now he has paid the price.
But humans, humans are made to feel. Sadness, happiness, jealousy, and… love. Emotions Castiel in the last few years has struggled with, without fully understanding them, simply because he was not created for it. But now it is as if everything feels more natural but no less painful. He still sometimes feels like he is drowning in sorrow and self-loathing at the thought of all the lives he has destroyed. But other times he smiles, like when Sam or Dean is teasing the other, or even when one of the brothers is teasing him, or when he sees something funny on TV. He is happy when he can help with something and see that the others appreciate it. He has also experienced jealousy...
"Morning, Cas." Someone says.
Castiel looks up to find Sam standing with the coffee pot in one hand and a cup in the other. Castiel has been so caught up in his own thoughts that he hasn't heard Sam enter the room.
"Good morning, Sam." Castiel says.
Sam holds the coffee pot towards him. "You want some more?"
Castiel shakes his head. Sam just smiles and continues to make himself some breakfast. Castiel looks at him as he does so. Sam's hair is messy and he looks tired, but he is never grumpy in the morning.
Sam has always been the one of the two brothers, to forgive Castiel first, when he has done something wrong. Even back when Castiel nearly got Sam killed by breaking down the wall in his head, letting Lucifer take over Sam's mind. And even after Castiel took Sam's insanity upon himself, he would have understood if Sam would never have wanted to talk to him again. But that was never the case, and the day he had returned to the bunker, Sam was there to welcome him with open arms.
Before they entered the bunker, Dean had said that the first thing Castiel had to do was take a shower. Castiel did not blame him for saying so, personal hygiene had not exactly been one of his top priories while living on the street. But in that moment did a long warm shower sound like one of the best things in the world.
But before Castiel got to one of the bathrooms, Dean and he ran into Sam in the common room, where the younger Winchester was sitting with his computer.
At the sound of footsteps Sam looked up, and when his eyes fell on Castiel, his expression quickly went from surprise to a relieved smile.
"Look who I found." Dean said.
"It's so good to see you again, Cas." Sam said and closed the computer. "Where have you been?"
"I -" Castiel began but was interrupted by Dean who dumped the duffel bag in his arms.
"Hey, shower first, it was the deal. You can talk later." Dean said.
"Of course." Castiel nodded. It had clearly been Dean's requirement and Castiel didn't want to start an argument already.
"Come, I will show you to the bathroom." Dean said and took his arm to lead him out of the room.
Castiel wanted to say that he had been in the bunker before and would easily be able to find the bathroom. He wanted to say that Dean did not have to treat him he was totally helpless, but again, he didn't want to fight already.
They had not walked very far down the hallway, to one of the bunker's bathrooms, before Dean stopped.
"Hey Cas, if you want, I can tell him ... you know, the bad news." Dean said.
Castiel nodded slowly. He had already seen Dean's confused expression when he had told the hunter that he was not an angel anymore. He would not even think about what a disappointment it must be for Dean that he was no longer of any help. So no, Castiel did not need to see the same confused expression on Sam's face, so if Dean would tell him, and save Castiel for the first reaction would he be grateful.
"Okay," Dean said and gave Castiel a pat on the shoulder "take your time, take a long nice shower." He said and went back to the common room.
Castiel just stood there for a moment and looked at Dean before he went into the bathroom.
The Men of Letters' bathroom was covered in white tiles, and suddenly Castiel felt even dirtier. He dropped the duffle bag on the floor and started to take off his clothes. It was no longer Jimmy Novak's clothes he was wearing; he had gotten rid of it on one the first nights after his fall. Firstly, it had been covered in blood after he had been in close combat with one of his brothers and secondly, he was easy to recognize in the clothes, many of his brothers and sisters knew what he looked like in the clothes, without it, it was a bit more difficult for them to recognize him (especially now when they couldn't recognize him by his grace). So at the first chance he had, Castiel had replaced his old clothes with something new he had found in a box of forgotten clothes at the locale launderette.
Castiel found a towel and took a shower. The hot water was refreshing when he stepped out of the shower he felt clean and somehow also happier. Carefully, so he wouldn't fall, Castiel walked over to the pile of clothes he had thrown on the floor, and then looked at the bag Dean had given him. He assumed that it meant that he could just use it? Take whatever he wanted? So that was what he did. He took some of Dean's because it suited him better than Sam's and for some reason he also felt better wearing Dean's clothes.
After he got dressed he went back to the common room where Sam was still sitting, but Dean was nowhere to be seen. When Castiel entered the room, Sam once again looked up from his computer and Castiel was met with the same compassionate gaze Dean had sent him. Castiel looked away; he could not bear to also see the expression on Sam's face.
"I'm sorry, Cas." Sam said.
Castiel sat down across from him. "Yes, I'm sorry too, that I don't have my powers to help you this time but I will still do my best to help you get the angels back to Heaven."
Sam looked, if even possible; sadder when he heard Castiel's words. "Cas, you don't have to think about that now. What I mean is that I'm sorry on your behalf. This is not about Dean and I needing your powers, this is about you losing them, and while it doesn't change you as a person, they still were a big part of you."
Castiel dared to look up from the table and looked at Sam. The trials had left their mark on him and he still didn't look completely healthy, but much better than he did last Castiel had seen him.
"Thank you, Sam." Castiel said because he simply did not know what else to say.
Castiel knew this was Sam's way of saying that he accepted that Castiel for what he was now, just like Dean had done earlier by letting him come back to the bunker. They accepted what he was now and would still like to have him around. He felt relieved and very happy.
A few minutes later Dean came back with a sandwich and a glass of water and placed it in front of Castiel. "I thought you might want something to eat before you went to bed?"
And suddenly Castiel remembered how hungry he really was.
After he had eaten, he found his room on his own. It was the same as he had slept in the first time he had been in the bunker, that night where he had escaped from Crowley. Back then Dean had had to help him to bed because he was too weak to walk on his own, and Sam had been too sick to help. But after Dean had helped him to the bed, the hunter left the room without a word. He had been angry with Castiel, and with good reason. But this time, it was different. Both Dean and Sam had wished him goodnight, and Dean had told him that the room was his from now on and he could stay for as long as he wanted to.
Castiel fell asleep almost immediately since it was the first time after he had become human that he had a real bed. But since then had he not fallen asleep so easily, and it had been on one of those sleepless nights when he had realized why he had been an important piece in Metatron's plan…
Castiel looks up from his coffee and meets Sam's eyes. Once again is it the younger Winchester who has dragged him out of his deep thoughts, but it may be for the best.
"Cas, how are you this morning?" Sam asks again when Castiel hadn't answered him the first time.
Castiel shrugs. "As usual." He replies. It has almost become a morning routine that either Sam or Dean asks him about how he feels, and "as usual" has become his favorite answer, because by saying that is he technically not lying to them. And his life could be so much worse, so why should he complain? He has a roof over his head and is with the people he cares about.
And Sam gives him the same smile as he does every morning; the one that says it is okay that Castiel doesn't want to talk about it. Castiel takes his coffee with him and leaves the kitchen, otherwise, will this be one of those awkward mornings where Sam and he sit in silence without saying another word to each other.
Sam doesn't say anything when Castiel leaves the kitchen; don't say that they should talk, even though he knows it is the right thing to do. Because Sam knows that the newly fallen angel has a lot to think about and that he blames himself for everything that has happened. But Sam knows that not everything is Castiel's fault. And Sam doesn't blame him for anything and has never done so.
Sam had a lot of questions for Castiel, but Dean had pulled him away before the angel had time to answer the first one. And when Dean came back, he had even more questions for his older brother, for there was something wrong, he could feel it in his guts.
"Dean what happened?" Sam asked.
Dean ran a hand over his mouth as he needed time to think about his answer. "It's Cas," he finally said, "he has fallen."
So much had Sam already figured out, since all the other angels had fallen too. "There's more than that." Sam concluded.
Dean closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, Sam could see that whatever this was about, Dean had a hard time putting it into words. "Cas has not just fallen, Cas is ... Cas is human now. I'm talking 100 percent mortal and zero powers." Dean finally said.
"But... how?" Sam could not understand how it could happen.
Dean did not know much about the details but told Sam what Castiel had told him earlier in the car.
"Okay... so what do we do now?" Sam asked, trying to handle all the new information.
"I know what we don't do, we don't throw him out." Dean said.
Sam frowned. "Do you really think I would do that? Throw him out?"
"No, no, of course not. I just didn't know if you wanted him here, I mean ... "Dean fumbled his way through a long explanation where it didn't really seem like he knew what to say.
But Sam understood; he knew it was their talk in the church Dean had in mind. But Sam would never let Castiel become homeless, for Sam, Castiel was like a brother. That night, in the church, Sam had been so far out, he had felt that he had let Dean down in every possible way, and he had felt kind of jealous of Castiel because he felt like Dean trusted the angel more than him. But he had been in pain because of the trials, and the bad conscience had not made it better. Now he looked differently at it again, he knew Dean needed Castiel. He had seen how his brother was when he did not know where Castiel was when he did not know whether Castiel was alive or not. The pain Dean so desperately tried to hide from him, but couldn't, because no one knew Dean better than Sam. No, Sam would never cause his brother such pain on purpose.
"Dean," Sam said and stopped his brother's steam of words. "It's okay. Cas can stay here as long as he wants."
"Okay, good." Dean nodded. He did not say anything else. But Sam could see how relieved he really was.
No, Sam doesn't want to force Castiel to talk about his problems. But if Castiel doesn't start talking about them himself, Sam will have to make him.
