I touched on this one with the Ensigns in the Unofficial Rules, and had a few requests for it. Anybody else think this is one of Kirk's theme songs? Remember to review. This will (hopefully) be a weekly thing on Wednesdays.
Rule #33: Do not program the computer to play "Womanizer" whenever the Captain steps onto the Bridge. Or into his quarters. It was funny once, and we have a video, we don't need it happening again.
Captain James T. Kirk was going to learn his lesson, even if it meant teaching him in front of the Bridge crew and other crewmen. He needed to be humbled, and she was going to be the one to do it.
It had been years since she last saw Jim Kirk. They had been dating steady for six months when the truth hit had her. He was only with her because she was attractive, nothing more. That night he came to her apartment, and she gave him a piece of her mind. Ten minutes later, Jim Kirk was kicked out onto the street with his shirt and shoes missing, which wasn't the worst thing she could have done to him. Two days later, he had his arm wrapped around another girl.
"Idiots, both of them," she had said.
Now, she had been assigned to the same Starship he was captaining. Imagine his surprise when she walked through the door and onto the Bridge that first day! She thought he was about to fall out of that throne of his in surprise. Kirk tracked her down once he was off duty, and managed a decent conversation. He told her about what had happened since they broke up, she told him about her fiancé dumping her and everything else. Next thing she knew, she was invited to dinner in his cabin where their catching up conversation continued well into the night.
Their reunion seemed to ignite an old flame in each of them, and soon she was having dinner with him twice a week. Sometimes it was more than dinner.
"Maybe I was wrong about Jim," she thought. "Maybe he's not that bad…"
She had been right about him the first time.
She started to notice how he would check out ever attractive girl that walked past him: crew girls, dignitaries, alien humanoids, anything with a pretty face that he had the potential to get into bed.
Needless to say, she stopped going to dinner.
And then she found the song. It was an ancient thing, a three-hundred years old electronic-pop song that somehow seemed to describe James Kirk perfectly. A plan started to formulate itself in her mind. It would take time, and might get her in trouble, but it would be worth it. James T. Kirk had to realize just what he was. Luckily, she was trained as a computer technician, and programming the ship's Computer accordingly wouldn't be too difficult. Timing it would be the hard part.
"Difficult my ass," she muttered once she was finished. "That was too easy!"
"Morning Jim!"
Kirk looked up from his coffee as McCoy came up along side him. "Morning Bones, anything new?"
"Same old, same old." McCoy shrugged. "A few cuts and scratches, a bruise here or there, nothing major."
"Good, no offense, but the less we need you, Bones, the better," Kirk said.
"None taken," McCoy replied. "In fact, I fully agree with you."
The two entered the turbo-lift. "Bridge," Kirk said, and the lift began to rise. "Bones, why are you coming with me to the Bridge?"
"Because nothing is happening down stairs," McCoy answered. "And something is always happening up there."
"Most of the time," Kirk added, and finished his coffee just as the doors opened.
McCoy was the first to step onto the Bridge, followed seconds later by Kirk. That's when it happened.
"Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh you're a womanizer baby
You, you-you are, you, you-you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer…"
"Lt. Uhura!" Kirk shouted over the noise. "Turn that off!"
"I'm trying Captain!" Uhura replied. She frantically manipulated the controls trying to turn the song off, and hide a smile that was slowly growing across her face.
"Boy don't try to front
I-I know just what you are-are
Boy don't try to front
I-I know just what you are-are…"
Kirk covered his ears and stepped back into the turbo-lift. Suddenly, it stopped. He looked up at his shocked and confused crew; even Spock seemed a bit, well, puzzled by the experience.
"Thank you, Lt. Uhura," Kirk said.
"I, I didn't do it, Captain," Uhura replied. "The song simply stopped on its own when you stepped back."
"What?" Kirk asked.
"It stopped on its own, sir," Uhura repeated.
Kirk blinked a few times, and stepped forward out of the turbo-lift.
"You! You got me goin'
You! You're oh so charmin'
You! But I can't do it
You! You womanizer…"
Kirk stepped back again, and the song stopped again. "Oh for God's sake, it goes off every time I step on the Bridge?"
"It would seem that way, Jim," McCoy said. He was grinning, along with a number of others on the Bridge.
"Spock!" Kirk cried.
"It seems that the Security protocol for the Bridge has been altered to play that song when you step onto the Bridge, Captain," Spock said. "It will take some time to correct the problem."
"How long?"
"Thirty-four-point-two…"
"Just do it," Kirk snapped. "In the mean time, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my quarters." He let the turbo-lift doors close, and was gone.
The Bridge crew didn't move for a few moments, trying to take in what just happened.
"Dr. McCoy, might I ask you something?" Spock asked.
"Sure, Spock, what is it?" McCoy leaned on the rail next to Spock's station.
"I am unfamiliar with the term 'womanizer'," Spock said.
The Bridge instantly fell silent. Suddenly, McCoy burst out laughing, soon joined by everyone else. Spock just raised an eyebrow. He couldn't understand what they found so hilarious about his question.
Kirk made his way down the corridor to his quarters. His face was still red from the incident on the Bridge. Until Spock could fix the problem, he didn't dare step foot on his Bridge. He paused for the doors to his room to open and stepped in.
"Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer baby…"
The song from the Bridge blared through the sound system in his quarters and could be heard down the corridors. Throughout the corridors, crewmen stopped and looked to where the strange song was coming from. Kirk clenched his fists and turned bright red again. He started to shake in anger before throwing his head back.
"WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed at the ceiling, however it carried across the entire deck, and was even heard from the deck above, if you were standing in the right place.
He didn't notice the security camera trained on him, and certainly didn't hear her laughter as she watched him over the security feed.
