A/N: Oh my gosh! After the last chapter got so much attention, I just about screamed at my computer screen in extreme happiness! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL FOR READING THIS!!!
ALSO, I'm sorry for the wait, guys! It took me a while to post this one, yeah...LOL. I said "yeah." Like Deidara's speech problem. ;)
ANNNNYWAY, I'm super duper sorry for the wait! I decided Deidara wasn't in character enough and rewrote the chapter, I hope he's more in character this time around! (:
Tried to cut back a bit on the "Yeahs." If I didn't use them enough, let me know? I also made sure to map out the first quarter of my story...this one might be kind of long unless I cut out some of the dumb stuff and condense some chapters. Overall though I'm really excited to write it! Though, I don't think this chapter was too good...but I didn't like the original of this chapter at all and had to do that total rewrite anyway!
Have fun learning about the bacon gods now! LOL
Get Out of My House
Chapter 2: Of Bacon and Electricity Bills
Hum… Something smells good…
Maybe one of my friends had come over for the morning to cook me breakfast. They'd done it before…but wasn't I sick that time? Maybe I was sick…
…Wait. Wait a fucking second… The memories of the night before flashed through my mind…but wasn't that just a dream? Like the one about the cat and those cookies?
"Oi."
I cringed as someone spoke in an oddly familiar voice.
"Where'd you put your spatulas, yeah?"
That's it. I screamed. The blond in the doorway yelped and put his hands over his ears.
"Why are you still here?!" I yelled. It should have been a dream…! A silly dream! The results of eating leftover pizza before bed!
"Calm down, will you?!" he replied, his tone doused in confusion.
I sighed, pushing myself down from the sitting position I had sprung up to in my bed to stare at the ceiling. Maybe I was still dreaming… I prayed this was one of those extended nightmares you get sometimes. When I awoke, I'd probably call all my friends and tell them how great they are then go adopt a puppy. After all, it was all a silly dream…
Thusly, I wanted to hurry up and wake the fuck up. This was nothing of a pleasant dream; evil villains had no right to run into my house and demand spatulas for any reason whatsoever! Or drink my orange juice! That was my orange juice!
I wanted to prove my point, and there was one big way I thought of to show that this was a dream and I was about to sprout wings and feed this stupid blonde to the Ice Cream God.
Steadily, I raised a finger to one of my eyes and jabbed myself quickly, but hard enough to cause some pain should I be awake.
"OW! Fuck!" I wailed. Deidara flinched.
…So, this wasn't a dream? Really?
"You're a psycho woman, yeah!" Deidara complained. "A crazy self-harm-inflicting wench! Why won't you stop screaming at everything?! I'd like to ask a simple question without my ear drums blowing out! Crazy moron!" He continued firing insults, but I'd totally zoned him out by then. If this wasn't a dream, then…
…What the hell? For the millionth time, why was Deidara in my house?
He quieted down and I stared at a spot on the wall.
Silence.
More silence.
"…What are you doing in my house?" I asked, confounded.
"Cooking," he replied flatly.
I shook my head. Rewording probably needed to be applied here…
"Okay," I said after gathering my wits. Somewhat snarkily, I continued, "Why is there a high-class super villain in my house, drinking my orange juice and cooking with my food? What the fuck?"
"Hm." Deidara shrugged. "After dealing with that Uchiha bastard's little brother and leaving him to play with a little clone of mine, I just thought I'd get the fuck out and lay low for a while. They should think I'm dead by now. I never wanted to join the damned Akatsuki anyway. If I have to deal with Tobi one more minute, yeah…" he shuddered. I raised my eyebrows at him.
"But…" I mumbled weakly, "why my house? Why don't you…I don't know, go hang out with that hobo and his pet box, or stay in an abandoned hut, or maybe build a secret lab in a shockingly conspicuous cave like all the normal super villains do?"
He laughed, which made me glare at him and give myself a mental slap for my own stupidity. "You really need to think twice about buying a house with a balcony view. Or at least start locking the door from now on, yeah."
Alright then. Two mental slaps.
He continued, "Easy entry. You seem like a pretty weak shinobi anyway, or at least a stupid one. Took you long enough to realize there was someone in the house… I had already started raiding the fridge and wondering if the place was empty."
"Shut up." Three mental slaps. "I really should go to authorities about you, you know. I'm sure Kazekage-sama would love to have you over." My last words were snide and sarcastic.
Deidara glared at me; I shuddered and pulled my blankets up in attempt to hide behind them like a scared little mouse.
"Stop that," he said. "You're making yourself look like a fat turtle, yeah."
"I'm not a turtle!" I yelled from behind my flimsy attempt of a barrier-hiding-place-thing.
"Yet you do not deny being fat?"
Four mental slaps. "I'm not fat either, you bastard!" I was glad I was still hiding under my blanket or he may have seen the blush decorating my skin. How dare he indirectly call me fat—or make me call myself fat—or whatever he did! I don't care! All I know is that he's a bad person so he said something bad!
That's when I started to catch a whiff of some kind of scent. It was kind of…Porky.
"Is something burning…?" I asked aloud, forgetting about my turtle-shell-blanket-whatever and poking my head up to sniff the air. Deidara's one blue eye grew large for a moment.
"Shit!" he yelled as he disappeared again and I could hear him clambering through the hallway to the kitchen. "The bacon! Dammit!"
So… if he didn't blow my house up…he was going to burn the entire apartment complex down instead by forgetting that he was cooking.
I waited a few minutes in silence until I heard the clattering stop and decided to go take a look at the damage. I rose from bed, padding through the hallway on my little bare feet and praying for the best.
The scene that I walked in upon in the kitchen was only among the worst of my nightmares. Everything was normal…the stove was uncharred, the smoke was clearing…
But then my eyes traveled to a sullen-looking Deidara, then to the pan in his hand.
There lay the burnt remains of what could have been delicious bacon. Oh, that poor bacon…shriveled and blackened, smoking at the ends…never to see the wonderful world of food and My Stomach… Its life had been cut off oh so short… I whispered a small prayer to the Bacon Gods to please grant this piece of parched pork safe passage to Bacon Heaven.
If anything, Deidara pouted about his bacon. Nose turned up like he was having some kind of hissy fit, he said, "This wouldn't have happened if you'd told me where the spatulas are, yeah."
I narrowed my eyes at him defiantly. "You shouldn't be cooking your breakfast in a house where you're unwelcome anyway, yeah," I mocked. Yay for rebellious behavior!
"Make fun of me again and I'll blow you up." I flinched and went back to hiding inside my turtle shell of I-don't-want-to-blow-up-and-die. He smirked and chuckled. "You're a funny one, aren't you, Marie?"
I twitched. "Since when did you know…my name…?" Pray to god I don't talk in my sleep. The last thing I would want is S-ranked criminals hearing me talk in my sleep.
"You had an electricity bill on the counter." Okay, that was a bit better…
Wait! The power bill! I'd forgotten about it! It should have been paid yesterday!
…Maybe the world was mocking me. Right on cue, the electric lights flickered off and left us in the light of the morning coming in from downtown Suna.
Allow me to take this time to fathom something to you—I am an unfortunate soul. I never cared about being a shinobi—I did it to "continue the family legacy" as one would call it, not to make money, not to be talented, not to get attention, but simply because my father, a retired war veteran sort of person, made me join the Academy. Hell, if I had my way, I would be a merchant, or a dentist, or something…I don't know, normal. Thusly, I've only ever done what is absolutely necessary. I don't know how I ever passed the chunin exam, but it must have been one of those moments of epic inspiration that folks get in between ruts in training. My team usually picks up the slack for me, and for that I'm thankful; I'm just a pretty mediocre sort of ninja. Our village leaders seem to see that too, and for that I just have to do the small missions that no one wants. With luck, maybe I'll eventually even make time for some side-jobs so I can move out of my dinky apartment…
Of course, with this new little installment in the situations of Life of Iwanaga Marie, I'm not sure if I'll even be alive to get that part time job or maybe even call it quits to the ninja world. It wouldn't be long now until I get blown up, especially if this Deidara is short-tempered.
So, let's sum things up, shall we? For one, I can't fight back at any sort of attack worth crap, so I can't even think about resisting an S-Ranked criminal. Secondly, said S-ranked criminal was still in my house. Third, I was without electricity. Fourth, I was hungry and some smart cookie here killed the bacon.
In conclusion, I could only think of one way to put it: I'm fucked. Wish me luck not croaking any time soon.
A/N: Alright guys! That's it! If you liked it, would you care to leave me a review?
Also, ENDLESS THANKS AND EPIC LOVE TO:
Black Thorns and Red Roses
XninjaXpenguinX
ScarletDivinity
YourDarkGuardian
I LOVE YOU GUYS SOOO MUCH!!! YOU'RE THE BEST! YOU MAKE SATSU-CHAN SCREAM IN HAPPINESS AND CAUSE HER PARENTS TO COME RUNNING IN THINKING SHE HURT HERSELF TO FIND HER BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS! LOVE YOU ALL!
Have a SUPER AWESOME day!
