A/N: I should have added the disclaimer: all characters belong to ACD/BBC Sherlock/Lewis Carroll (other than the coal merchant). Inspired by the Hunting of the Snark. Clearly I have a twisted mind, but bits of this I'm actually quite pleased with. . Any/all comments welcome.
THE DETECTIVE'S SPEECH
The Detective himself they all praised to the skies-
Such style, such clothes and such grace!
Such genius, too! One could see he was wise,
The moment one looked in his face!
.
He gave Mycroft a map representing the way,
Without the least vestige of land:
And Mycroft was pleased when he found it to be
A map he could quite understand.
.
"What's the good of a map showing roads, streets and lanes
North, South, East or West, curves and lines?"
The Detective would cry: and the team would reply
"They are merely conventional signs!
.
"We've seen maps with such shapes – some show islands and capes!
But we've got the Detective to thank:"
(So the team would protest) "he has bought us the best-
A perfect and absolute blank!"
.
This was charming, no doubt; but they shortly found out
The Detective they trusted so well
Was fixated with speed, and could only proceed
With his foot down, driving like hell.
.
He was thoughtful and grave - but the orders he gave
Were enough to bewilder any crew.
When he shouted "Where the hell are we? That sign said Malawi!"
What on earth was poor Mycroft to do?
.
Then the clutch got mixed up with the handbrake sometimes:
A thing, the Detective remarked,
That frequently happens in tropical climes,
But it didn't half get the team narked.
.
They began to complain when time and again
The Detective, perplexed and distressed,
Said he had hoped, at least, when he steered to the East,
That the car would not travel due West!
.
But the danger was past - they had arrived at last,
Despite all the squabbling and pain:
Yet at first sight the team were not pleased, for it seemed,
They'd been driven to London. Again.
.
The Detective perceived that their spirits were low,
And explained in low baritone
Deductions he had kept for a season of woe-
But the team would do nothing but groan.
.
He served out some gin with a liberal hand,
A double, ice and slice, one for each:
And they could not but own the Detective looked grand,
As he stood and delivered his speech.
.
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your feet!"
(He could never remember quotations:
But they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers,
When he served out additional libations).
.
"We have driven for months, we have driven many weeks,
(Four weeks to the month you may mark),
But never as yet ('tis your Detective who speaks)
Have we caught the least glimpse of the Snark!
.
"Listen, women - and men - while I tell you again
Of each unmistakable mark
By which you may know, wheresoever you go,
The warranted genuine Snark.
.
"Let us take them in order. The first is the haste
With which all its plans do complete:
Like my coat (which is rather too tight in the waist,
But shows off my figure a treat).
.
"There are four more signs: and it takes no great minds
To calculate this means there's five.
I'd tell you the rest, but – and this is no jest –
I've deleted them from my hard drive."
.
"And, although common Snarks do all manner of harm,
Yet, I feel it my duty to say,
Some are Jayems-" – the Detective broke off in alarm,
For Mycroft had fainted away.
