2. A Hard Day's Night

[Beckett POV]

My greatest fears are confirmed when I get the call. There has been a body found in the amphitheater of Marcus Garvey Park. His body. No need for a positive ID. Everyone in this city knows who Richard Castle is. All I can think is that I may have lost my chance. Lost the chance to berate him for not following my orders; to regretfully thank him for the significant information he no doubt found on the case. Lost the chance to see his smile one last time; the chance to feel him hold me in his strong embrace when we finally crack the case. Most of all, I may have lost the chance to tell him. Tell Richard Castle how I truly feel about him. I have the feeling he already knows, but it means so little unless it comes from me. He needed to know. I needed to tell him. And now it may be too late.

I currently weave my way in and out of traffic, sirens blazing. Esposito is waiting for me. I see him standing near the automatic doors as I pull my cruiser into the unloading area. Swiftly stepping from the car, I throw my keys to him. He will take care of it for me. All I need right now is to speak with someone. Someone who can tell me something regarding his condition. Castle is not dead. He can't be. It makes no sense, but I can still feel him around me. Esposito's hand grazes my shoulder in a soothing gesture as I brush past him toward the lobby of New York Presbyterian. Their cardiothoracic surgical unit is ranked sixth in the nation and is the best in New York. If Rick has any chance of making it, that chance will be found here.

"Richard Castle?" I ask of the on-call nurse sitting at the nurses station.

The woman, nurse Taylor according to her nametag, takes in my frazzled appearance before addressing me. "Are you of any relation to the patient?" she inquires.

Although I know that this question is only protocol, it upsets me more than it should. I'm not family. I have no claim over this man. That doesn't stop me from lying to the nurse, however. I have to be economical with the truth. "I'm his fiancé," I tell her with a nod.

"Then you'll want to talk to Dr. Thompson over there." My gaze follows the path her hand directs me - toward a man who looks to be in his early forties. Nodding over my shoulder at nurse Taylor in appreciation of her help, I hastily make my way over to where the doctor is standing.

"Doctor Thompson?" alerted of my presence, he turns from his comrade to face me. "Detective Kate Beckett," I inform him, flashing my badge. "I'd like any information you have on Richard Castle's condition."

He takes a moment, seemingly considering whether or not he should tell me anything. There must be something in my weary appearance, the concern in my face, the pain in my eyes, that causes him to reconsider. "Ms. Beckett, all I can tell you right now is that Mr. Castle has been shot in the chest with a small caliber weapon. He is currently in critical condition and we are doing all we can to stabilize him. We are prepping him for surgery at the moment and as soon as there is any news, I will send someone out to you. For the time being, I have to ask you to wait." Without another word, he walks swiftly away, veering around a corner and through a pair of double doors. Doors sporting a sign reading 'Authorized Personnel Only'.

Turning toward the waiting area, I steel myself for the long night ahead of me. Sitting isn't an option. I can't even stand still. As I pace back and forth before the chairs in front of me, I detect warning glances from nurse Taylor. Ignoring them, I continue my movements. I have no knowledge of time. It could be minutes after my conversation with the doctor. Maybe it has been hours. I'm not sure.

As I make another of the countless turns back toward the front doors, a number of familiar faces appear. Ryan, Esposito, Alexis, and Martha are at my side in the next second. The latter's faces are stained with recently shed tears. Their eyes are bloodshot; the skin around them red and puffy. I imagine that I must look much the same. Alexis wraps her arms around my torso and buries her head into my neck. Without a moment's hesitation, I return the embrace, holding the young girl tightly against me. Sobs escape her mouth as she begins to vibrate against my body. "He's going to be okay," I murmur. I need to believe it. I have to. Without hope, I have nothing. We are always warned in the NYPD about offering people false hope. Offering ourselves false hope. But in the unlikely story that is Richard Castle, there has never been anything false about hope. Once you choose hope, anything is possible.

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With each breath I take, I feel soft, fine hair tickle my nose. A warm body is pressed up against my own and there is a deep pain in my neck. Opening my eyes, I find Alexis curled into a tight ball in my lap. She looks more like a child to me now than she ever has before. Small, frail, and vulnerable have never been words I would use to describe Alexis Castle. Her legs hang across the armrest into the seat to our left. One arm is wrapped around her knees, the other around my neck, holding me to her. That explains the pain. My own arms cradle her against my chest. My legs are outstretched in a chair that has been moved before us. Darkness is visible through the small windows to my right. Either it is not yet morning or I have been asleep much longer than I thought. The lengthy darkness that comes with winter often brings with it depression. I have felt that depression before and don't have the strength to do it again. Softly petting the young girls head, I plant a kiss atop it.

Martha is nowhere to be found; Esposito and Ryan are across the room, speaking in hushed tones. The former notices my gaze on him and begins to make his way over to where I sit, Ryan following close behind. Motioning at Alexis, I implore him not to wake her. "What do we know?" I ask quietly of him as he nears.

"Nothing." Javier explains, looking down at the sleeping girl in my arms. "It's been eight and a half hours and no one has been out yet with any updates." Lowering himself into the chair before me, he heaves a tired sigh.

"Where's Martha?" I inquire, looking around the room once more. We seem to be its only occupants at the moment. It must have been a slow day in emergency, which is a good thing. That means they had more hands free for Castle. My musings are cut short, however, as the code team rushes by. The code team saves lives, just as those doctors are going to save Richard's. They have to.

Esposito's voice pulls my attention back. "She went to make a few calls. I…" Before he can complete his sentence, Martha makes her way around the corner.

"Oh, Katherine," she exclaims as her eyes land on me. "You're awake." She hastily takes the seat next to mine, placing her hand upon my forearm.

Taking her hand in mine, I place them on the armrest between us. "Martha, how are you holding up?"

After running her free hand across her face, she looks back at me. "It's difficult," she says. "This type of thing always is. But he's made it this far. I have to believe that he will pull through this." Glancing away from my eyes toward her granddaughter in my arms, she smiles for what may be the first time that night. I wish I had that. Someone that could be there to help me smile through my pain. I can't help but hope that maybe someday, I will. "Would you like me to help you move Alexis?" she asks.

I hurriedly shake my head, unwittingly pulling Alexis closer to myself. "No, that's okay. She's pretty light. Besides, she's kind of keeping my grounded, if that makes any sense." I bite my lip as a fresh tear threatens to fall. I don't know if I can do this much longer.

Martha quickly covers our clasped hands with her other. "No dear, I understand."

"Ma'am," nurse Taylor called in my direction. Everyone's eyes turn toward her. "I have been told that your fiancé is being brought out of surgery." Their eyes quickly dart back to mine as my own widen to what must be an impossible size. "The doctor is on his way to speak with you now." Nodding at her with an embarrassed smirk on my face, I look back at the group around me.

Ryan is the first to break the awkward silence. Attempting to keep the chuckle out of his voice, he addresses me. "Your…" Before he can finish his question that I already know the end of, I break in.

Putting my hand up to silence him, I counter his unspoken question. "They wouldn't tell me anything unless they thought I was immediate family." Esposito and Ryan still sport smug looks on their stupid faces, so I turn instead to Martha. "I had to tell them something." She smiles knowingly and nods. Her eyes soon focus on something behind me and I turn to see what it is.

Looking at a clipboard in his hands is Dr. Thompson. Looking up, he notices our gazes. "Miss Beckett."

"Doctor Thompson," I reply quickly. Raising my intertwined hand, I introduce him to Castle's actual relatives. "This is Martha Rodgers, Richard's mother, and," I incline my head toward the large child in my lap, "Alexis Castle, his daughter." Releasing Martha's hand, I gently jostle Alexis. "Wake up, sweetie." A small tired sound escapes her thin frame as she begins to wake. Rubbing her eyes, she moves to get up from my lap. "It's okay," I tell her, holding her to me. If the news is bad, she's going to need someone to hold her together. So will I. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

"Nice to meet you," he nods to the older woman to my right and the younger one in my arms. Looking over at Esposito and Ryan, he directs his words to them. "I'm sorry, but unless you are family as well, I am going to have to ask you to leave."

Ryan braces his hands on either side of him. "No problem." Standing from their chairs, they turn to leave. "We'll go grab some coffee." Taking Esposito's recently vacated seat, the doctor turns to face us.

"The surgery went as well as could be expected. We needed to gain access to his heart. The bullet had lodged itself in his chest cavity after puncturing a major artery in his heart. There was a great deal of blood loss, but we quickly stabilized him, removed the bullet, and repaired the damage. Postoperative pain is universal and intense, so for at least the next few days, we will keep him in a medically induced coma. He will be placed on opiates for a while after that in order to manage the pain. This will interfere with recovery of his respiratory function, so we will need to keep him here and on a respirator for the next few weeks."

I break in as he takes a quick breath. "So, he'll be okay? He's going to make it?" I need to hear him say it in as many words. Alexis looks from my hopeful face toward the doctor's somber one. Why do they always have to be so serious. Do doctors ever smile?

"I don't want to get your hopes up. He is still in critical condition and could take a turn for the worse. But, yes," he informs us, "as long as he continues on the path he is on, he will live." Both of Alexis' arms slide around me and she holds me tight. Her eyes closed, she rests her head against my chest and I tuck it underneath my chin. I hold her head gently against me and rub my other hand across her back. My own eyes close as the first smile in nine hours grows on my face. "Right now he is being transferred into the ICU. You may see him if you like, but we ask that there be no more than two visitors at any given time. I am on-call tonight. If you have any further questions, just have a nurse page me."

I can't find my voice; thankfully Martha speaks to the doctor so that I don't have to. "Thank you for all your help, doctor."

"My pleasure." Opening my eyes, I see her stand and take his hand before he turns away to disappear around the corner once more.

Alexis' arms slip from behind me and I release her so that she can stand. She wraps her grandmother in an emotional hug. As I stand up and begin to stretch my sore muscles, the pair separates and turns in my direction. "You two go on ahead," I tell them. "I'll wait here to tell Esposito and Ryan what's going on."

Releasing her granddaughter fully, Martha makes her way over to me. Pulling me to her, she cradles my head against her shoulder. I place my own arms loosely around her. As I take in a ragged breath, the silent sobs begin once again. Holding me closer against her and petting my hair in soothing motions, she mumbles into my ear. "Everything will be fine now, darling. He's going to make it." She holds me until my tears subside.

A series of jagged breaths later, I find enough composure to reply. "Thank you, Martha." I pull back slowly and she gently wipes the tears from my eyes with the soft pads of her thumbs. She lets go of me and takes the hand of the teenager behind her before making her way toward her son's room. I know that I will not be able to sit still right now. Wiping any remaining tears from my face with the back of my sleeve, I bend down to pick up my jacket. I need to take a walk. Pulling my arms through the jacket, I make my way out the sliding double doors into the crisp night air.

Just as I reach the second set of doors in the entryway, a voice stops me. Someone is calling my name. Turning back toward the nurses station, I see Dr. Thompson taking long strides in my direction.

"What is it, doctor?" I ask, my face etched with worry.

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