Chapter II: I'll Make a Man Out of You!
Within a few minutes of posting the first chapter of "When Dudley Met Luna," I had two story alerts and over a dozen hits. It seems the HP story section is rather busy… So I decided to get started on chapter two. If I were to pick a song for this chapter, it would be "I'll Make a Man Out of You" by the late Jerry Goldsmith and featured in Disney's Mulan. Harry has put Dudley through a brief training course that is rigorous… Enjoy!
Author's note, four years later: I don't own the Potter-verse; I just play in it. And thanks to Imperfections for her suggestion. Further, this chapter is a bit dialogue-heavy. Thank you for your attention.
"Dudley, I'll make a man out of you yet. And you will find someone." Harry Potter had promised this a week ago when Dudley had finished reading Twelve Fail-safe Ways to Charm Witches and had managed to talk to a female neighbor in quite a friendly way. The training had been vigorous…
"This book is bloody huge," the Smeltings graduate muttered, examining the cover and back two weeks earlier.
"Dudley, it's only 300 pages. Surely you read more than this at Smeltings, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but I don't do well with recall…"
"You should meet Hermione… Her ability to memorize books is rather scary, but helpful."
"I'll try, Harry, I'll really try." And so, Dudley managed to read the book in two days. Harry then tested him according to O.W.L. grades, which meant that Dudley would receive "O" for "Outstanding," "E" for "Exceeds Expectations," "A" for "Acceptable, "P" for "Poor," "D" for "Dreadful," and finally "T" for "Troll."
"So, what did I earn, Harry?" Dudley asked eagerly.
"You won't be pleased, Big D… You only scraped… an E."
Dudley looked right into Harry's green eyes… and grinned. "Blimey! I did that good?"
"Yup. Nice work. Now let's practice…" Harry had bought a mannequin, dressed it in women's clothing and bewitched it to act like a young woman might act. If Dudley did well, she would compliment him. If he bored her, she would head off to the bathroom for a few minutes. And if he said something offensive, the mannequin would slap Dudley and storm out of the room.
Dudley sat down at the kitchen table with a plate of food, a glass of water and a bread basket between him and the mannequin who'd been christened Cheryl. "Good evening, Cheryl," Dudley said pleasantly. "I'm terribly sorry I was late; the boss kept me late."
"Quite all right," Cheryl answered. "What a lovely shirt you're wearing this evening! Did you get it at Harrod's?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact. I found it last weekend at Harrod's on a sale. Do you like shopping there?"
"Oh, yes, it's a most wonderful shop, but I also prefer Harrington's. I believe you have good taste in clothing, Dudley. So what do you do for a living?" Dudley launched into explaining his dream job, being a champion Olympic boxer. Obviously, he went into too much detail because Cheryl said, when he'd taken a breath, "Please excuse me for a moment, Dudley, I need to freshen up."
"You bored her, mate," Harry said, just barely able to keep a straight face.
"So what do I do?"
"Ask her about her job and what she likes. Let her talk and cue you."
"All right. You gave her a job?"
"Something for her to talk about…"
Then Cheryl returned. "Terribly sorry, Dudley, but I needed a moment."
"Quite all right," Dudley answered, helping her back into her chair.
"Oh, thank you, are those Nikes?"
"Why, yes. So what is your job?"
"I'm a dental assistant, but I'm training to be a dentist."
"That's excellent. Where would you like to practice, if you could?"
"One of the smaller towns, if I could. Some people out in the countryside just don't have access to a decent dentist."
"That's wonderful. So what sorts of movies do you like?"
"Oh, romantic comedies, historical documentaries, science fiction, dramas and the occasional musical. What about you?"
"I like science fiction, dramas, action/adventure and romantic movies…"
"Oh, what type of romantic movies?"
Dudley got what he thought was a suave expression on his face, but Harry thought it was rather perverted. "The type for overage people…" SLAP!
"YOU PERVERT! I HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES AN INSENSITIVE PERVERT!" Cheryl yelled, and stormed out of the room. The "date" was over…
Fortunately, the next date with Cheryl had gone better. Dudley would've gotten to a lot of quality snogging with her if she'd been a real girl, Harry reflected two weeks later. But why are regular women not interested in him? Harry had hoped the female neighbor was single, but she was already seeing someone. Harry had pulled a favor with Cho Chang because she was currently single and wanted a chance on the dating scene. She had gone out with Dudley, but just found him uninteresting. Then Harry had called Eloise Midgen. She called Dudley "a brutish Muggle who has no real life in him." Then Harry had tried the Patil twins. Parvati called Dudley "cowardly," because a Muggle mugger had shown up, Dudley had screamed like a girl, and Parvati had had to stun the mugger with her wand. Padma had found Dudley "boring, ill-informed and exceedingly stupid."
So Harry asked the only remaining witch he could think of. "He's a Muggle, but he's a decent man."
"Isn't he the one you complained about all those years at Hogwarts?" she asked.
"Yeah, but he's grown up. So, would you consider going out with him?"
"I'll do it, Harry, because you are my friend and I might actually find him pleasant."
And so, two weeks after Harry had begun Dudley's training program, Dudley was waiting anxiously in the living room of Number 4 Privet Drive for his date to come. "Will she Apparate or fly in?"
"Dudley, calm down! She'll be here any second." Then a knock came on the door. Winky answered the door, and then the young lady entered.
Dudley had never seen such an unusual and yet pretty woman. She was wearing distressed jeans and a pink sweater, which complemented her blonde hair and bright blue (and strangely protuberant) eyes. "Hello, Harry," she said, giving him a hug, "where's this Muggle cousin of yours?" She hadn't noticed him, and then observed the large young man, standing in the sitting room. "Oh, hello, there. Are you Dudley?"
"Yes, I am, and may I say you look lovely?" he asked, moving forward to take her cloak.
"You may, and my name is Luna Lovegood."
How was that? Read and review! And thanks to darklight for being my first reviewer! I try to respond to all my reviews, folks! If I haven't ever responded, please let me know!
