Chapter Two
A few weeks had passed since Remus had spoken to Kendall alone. He saw her nearly every day, but each time she'd been surrounded by fellow Ravenclaws—all girls—who would have never let someone like Remus Lupin go near their friend.
Not that he wanted to be around her, exactly. He was at war with himself and he seemed to be fighting a losing battle. He knew he should stay away from her. Had to stay away from her. But he didn't really want to listen to that voice in his head that said he was dangerous and no good. He'd listened to that voice for far too long.
Remus walked down the corridor away from Gryffindor tower on his way to his prefect duties for the night. He was tired from staying up too late with his friends the night before, talking and laughing about James' continuing crush on Lily and all the girls who were after Sirius. Plus, the full moon was nearing, which meant he found it harder to sleep anyway. Or keep his temper in check.
What if I just got to know her better? There's no harm in that. And all my friends are okay with—what I am. Even Lily wasn't scared when I told her. Maybe Kendall will be the same.
Remus stopped walking and shook his head. No. He knew he couldn't tell her. Other people weren't like his friends and Lily was one of the kindest people he'd ever known. His parents had told him what the werewolf victims in St. Mungo's faced from the doctors themselves—intense disgust and terror at the sight of them—even before they transformed for the first time.
He turned the corner to station himself in one of the corridors south of the library, and nearly crashed into the very girl who'd occupied his thoughts for over two weeks: Kendall.
"Oh, Remus!" she said, her voice higher pitched than normal. Remus smiled automatically.
"Sorry," he told her, nervously taking a step back. Kendall smiled, pushing some hair out of her eyes.
"I was actually looking for you," she said after a few moments of tense silence.
"You were?" Remus asked, wringing his hands. It was no good finding himself so close to her when his transformation was only days away. He always acted so strangely before the full moon.
"Yes," Kendall said. Remus tried not to look too hard at her as he stood there. Her long hair was braided down her back and her eyes were shining in the pale moonlight. "I knew you had your prefect duties as well, so there were only a few places I'd need to look for you."
Remus was thankful for the poor lighting because he felt his cheeks flush.
"O-oh," he managed to say, his voice cracking. "Wh-why were you looking for m-me?"
"Oh," Kendall began. She looked down as though she didn't have an excuse. "I, uh, wanted to ask how you did on the last Ancient Runes assignment."
Remus raised his eyebrows in disbelief as she looked up at him. "You did?" Her face was sheepish as she nodded, but she smiled just the same. "Barely passed with an A," Remus admitted. He hadn't actually re-written it like he'd intended.
"But you always do so well in Ancient Runes," she said, looking as though she regretted her question. "Not as well as Defense Against the Dark Arts, of course, but you've always been brilliant there."
Remus blushed again. "I guess I was distracted when I wrote it," he murmured, looking down at his feet. He looked up to see Kendall watching him, that same look of interest in her eyes. He clenched his teeth and looked away from her again, crossing his arms over his chest. "I really should…should go," he told her.
"Is something wrong, Remus?" she asked, touching his hand. Remus could hear the surprise in her voice.
He sighed, pulling his hand away from hers. He had no idea how to say this so she would understand. He knew she wouldn't because he couldn't tell her everything. He couldn't tell her anything.
"No, I, uh, just have prefect duties," he said. He was becoming angrier with himself by the minute. He hated lying and he knew he didn't have any excuse for his behavior toward Kendall.
"Oh, right," she said unhappily. "Sorry I bothered you," she said, moving to walk around him.
"You're not bothering me," he said, his voice a little louder and more forceful than he'd intended. An inexplicable anger pulsed inside him. In an attempt to calm down, he exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair. He didn't feel any better. "I'm bothering me."
She stared at him for a few moments, as though debating what her response should be. "Can you tell me what it is?" she asked gently. Remus glanced away before meeting Kendall's eyes again.
In that moment, Remus wasn't himself. He was no longer shy and unassuming. No longer the model prefect or careful student. His instincts dominated him.
He stepped toward Kendall, pressing his lips eagerly against hers, moving her back against the wall. To his surprise, she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair, their bodies pressed together.
Remus had no idea how long they'd been snogging before his senses returned. He stopped kissing her and then suddenly pushed himself away from the wall, unsteadily taking a few steps away from her. His hands shook as he came to the full realization of what had just happened.
"Oh, God," he said, covering his mouth with his hand. "I shouldn't have done that." He absentmindedly wondered if he looked as freaked out as he felt.
"W-what?" Kendall said, taking a step toward him, her hand outstretched. He clumsily moved away from her again, watching her face fall and her eyes fill with tears.
"I shouldn't have done that," Remus repeated, mastering himself once more.
"Why do you keep saying that?" she asked. She didn't move toward him this time, but stood rigidly still.
"I-," Remus began, trying to find the right words. He knew nothing he said could be enough. Because he was not enough. "I can't."
"Remus," Kendall said, her voice gentle once more. "You can tell me. Whatever it is."
The earnest tone in her voice nearly made him give in. Her eyes were so trusting, so full of something he couldn't quite place. He'd never seen any girl look at him in that way before.
He swallowed though his mouth had become suddenly dry. He knew he couldn't tell her the truth. He wasn't supposed to tell anyone about it—his friends had figured it out first year, but this was different. He was different.
"I don't know why I did that," he said finally. At least that was an honest statement. "It was wrong of me to do that." He knew his words sounded so false and he loathed himself for it.
"No it wasn't," she responded. "Remus, I think…I think I'm in love—"
Remus' eyes widened and he spoke suddenly. "No!" he said sharply, shocked by what she was about to confess. Kendall physically pulled back at his outburst.
"But that's how I feel," she said, her voice angry now.
"Well you shouldn't feel that way. Not about me," he said, his voice fading a bit.
"Why?" she asked. Remus almost wanted to laugh. He never thought any girl would be angry about being rejected by him. If she really knew why, she wouldn't be. She'd be terrified.
"Because I'm no good," he told her, forcing a tone of conviction. "And I don't feel the same way about you," he added as an afterthought. Not because it was true, but because he wanted her to believe his first statement. If he was really no good—in the way normal people were—he'd be able to kiss a girl and it wouldn't mean a thing. He'd be able to act as though something that meant more to him than anything was unimportant, almost laughable.
"I don't believe you," Kendall said, her voice wavering. Remus looked away from the tears that had filled her eyes again. He knew he was going to regret his next words. He already did and he hadn't even spoken them yet.
"Well, you should," he said, hating the sound of his own voice. It sounded as though it belonged to someone else. It was cruel and cold. "Because I don't feel anything for you."
Remus waited in silence as Kendall stared at him, blinking slowly. A few tears escaped down her cheeks before she could wipe them away.
"Never speak to me again, Remus Lupin," she said furiously. She closed the gap between them and before Remus could step away again, she hit him hard across the face. He staggered backward, surprised because she had hit him and because of the force behind the blow.
Almost at once, Kendall turned on her heel and hurried in the opposite direction. He could hear her sobs echoing down the corridor as he stood there, unmoving.
He hated himself. For kissing Kendall, for feeling the way he did about her, for the longing in the pit of his stomach over the thought of her.
But mostly, Remus hated himself because of what he was.
I'm a monster.
