So, I moved out of my parent's house last September for Uni and my dad put this quote below on facebook and watching the episode last night reminded me of it for some reason.
"To my daughter, If you need me, call me. I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems or if I'm angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or how small your problem is, I'll be there."
This little shot takes place after the Ahsoka-fugitive arc to confront Anakin's newfound 'empty nest' syndrome, spoilers for 'The Wrong Jedi'. I decided to put this in the Always There fic but this isn't the last, there are so many little stories I want to tell all the way from pre-apprenticeship to post apprenticeship. None of these will be in order but I'll put a note at the beginning to let you know when it occurs.
I know that everyone and their mum's has done one of these reaction fics but I NEED CLOSURE...I'm still reeling from this shock departure! This season of telly has been rough for me: first the Ponds on Dr Who and now we lose Ahsoka?! Personally I think they're all trying to drive me crazy.
Summary: Anakin's reaction following Ahsoka's departure. He would never abandon her again.
Also half inspired by the one of my favourites songs.
"We say goodbye in the pouring rain,
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay
Stay
Cos all my life I felt this way,
and I could never find the words to say:
Stay
Stay" – 'Stay' by 'Hurts'
Anakin had to force back the tears as Ahsoka walked away, and he counted every step she took towards uncertainty...and away from him. His heart cried out for his young Padawan – former Padawan – and begged her not to go. He wanted her to stay. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen, she wasn't supposed to walk away...why was she walking away? How could he just stand back and let her?
What was he without her?
He fought everyday for her sake. She was one of the reasons he got up in the morning, and perhaps the only reason he'd stayed with the order so long. He hadn't been lying when he told her that he knew of how it felt: to want to walk away. Maybe he could leave now. Ahsoka was gone; what was he staying for?
Stay
Who would look after her out there? Who'd watch over her and make sure she didn't do anything too crazy? Who'd save her when she did? Anakin could feel his legs yearning to run after her, to go and tell her that he would never abandon her again – that he'd go with her. She'd never be alone or afraid again. He'd keep her safe and happy and he'd never let anyone hurt her, and she'd be here...with him.
Skyguy and Snips – it'd always had a nice ring to it.
But he wouldn't leave...he couldn't do that – this – to Obi-Wan. He couldn't walk away like Ahsoka could...but he wished he could. He really really wished he could walk away.
Stay
He must have stood at the top of the stairs for hours, for the bright sunlight that'd been cruelly taunting him had faded into darkness. Ahsoka was long gone, walking into a world that she knew next to nothing about. She was a child that had been forced from her home by the very people who were supposed to protect her. She was a child that was all alone now, trying to find her way in a galaxy so much bigger than her and she was probably so scared and so confused...and probably falling apart as much as he was. This was their fault. He spent so much time and energy protecting her from Dooku, Ventress, Grievous and all the others that he perceived as threats, it was only too late that he realised that the real threat to his Padawan had come from within. The people he needed to protect her from were the Jedi.
Anakin didn't know when or how he did it but at some point in his musing he had walked back to their quarters - no...his now, only his. He had half expecting her to be reclined on the long sofa, laid in some good awful position that would ruin her spine as well as his sofa. He could almost hear her cheerful greeting and teasing remarks, almost. He almost tossed a half-hearted warning about said spine/sofa damaging position but then he blinked, he blinked and he could no longer see her. He blinked and she was gone. Why had he blinked?
It seemed that he must have been blinking so much throughout the whole of Ahsoka's apprentice because it had gone so fast. He couldn't sworn that only a few months ago they had been on Christophsis – when she'd first presented herself to him – but in the back of his mind he realised that meeting had been years ago. How had it passed so quickly? Why did he blink so much? He couldn't really remember when his bright eyed, snippy, happy-go-lucky girl had turned into a war-hardened, closed-off and frankly mistrustful young woman. Where'd his girl gone? - The little sweet one that believed in everyone and everything and was never out of second chances. Where was she?
Where had things gone so wrong? How had he lost someone that meant so much to him? When had this darkness swept into their lives?
He didn't realise how bad this would hit him. The absence of his Pada-...Ahsoka was everywhere. She'd left her datapad and homework from before their deployment to Cato Nemoidia, sprawled out over the coffee table, things that had been forgotten about in the chaos that had occurred over the past few days. There was an empty days-old canteen that had once held hot cocoa – her favourite drink – that she had forgotten to put in the washing up.
A tear broke through and he let it stream down his face, slow and tickling. Another tear fell, and then another and before he knew it, he was breaking down. When was the last time he had cried? He didn't even realise that he knew how to anymore.
He knew she wasn't doing this to hurt him. So why did it feel like he was drowning? – ten feet under and barely breaking the surface, the waves washing over his head and pushing him back under. Would he ever see her again?
Why couldn't she stay?
The days passed slowly and painfully, and before he knew it, it had been a month since his youngling had left. He hadn't even noticed. He didn't know where the days had gone; they had all melded together and turned into a pain-filled blur. He didn't think he'd even left his quarters in all that time.
The first night had been the roughest. He'd felt a flare of fear and sadness pass through his bond with his Padawan – something that both of them had forgotten about – and he'd immediately jumped up and ran into her room, his heart stopping when he saw she wasn't there, only to be brought back to life with a painful ache as he realised that she would never be there again.
He'd tried to talk to her through their bond but his only reply was silence before walls being slammed up and their bond being all but useless to him – her mind was completely blocked off. He'd felt a flash of regret before she'd cut him off but after that their bond fell completely silent...and he hadn't heard even a whisper from it since.
He went back to bed feeling completely and utterly broken, and more than a little useless. Where was she? Was she okay?
He knew he wasn't coping, not at all. It wasn't until a week into his 'Ahsoka-free' life that he realised he badly he was taking this; he'd laid down an extra place setting at the table, aside from his own, he'd done it completely automatically and when he noticed his error it had only brought all of his bottled emotions to the forefront of his mind and he'd angrily thrown the plate at the wall, instantly shattering it.
Why hadn't she stayed?
Anakin had been granted meditative leave; the councils way of apologizing for the catastrophe that had occurred - as if anything they could ever do would ever make up for what they did to Ahsoka. In his mind, the council had as good as taken Ahsoka away from him...and they'd hurt her and put her through so much and then dared to call it a 'trial' to her face, and now he might never even see his child again...because that's what she was now, she was his...she always would be – she'd wormed her way into his heart; between all the fighting and the running and the war and the pain he'd managed to grow to love yet another unfortunate soul.
Ahsoka had been given to him to protect, to care for, to love but he'd failed – oh so terribly – and now she was out there all alone, because of his failure...and she wasn't ready. He knew she wasn't ready to be alone. He didn't think Ahsoka would ever be ready to be alone, she shouldn't be alone...that's not who she was. Ahsoka should never have to be alone...but in his carelessness he'd allowed the Council to push her away and now she was alone, which she should never be because she couldn't cope with being alone – her species couldn't cope with being alone, in general.
He was so worried about her.
She'd not contacted him at all since she'd left. No comm. call or message or anything, not to him or Padme or Lux or any of her friends. No-one had heard from her and he was just about ready to go tear the Galaxy apart looking for her. He'd never felt so helpless, not even when she'd been taken by Trandoshans or even when she was on the run. He literally had no idea where she was, no inclination as the whether or not she was safe, or even alive. Why hadn't she contacted anyone?
Where was she? Was she safe?
Chirp chirp
Anakin slammed his hand down on his alarm clock, managing to registered it's irritating chirp even through his sleepy haze. The young man turned over and buried further beneath his blankets, refusing to even play nice with the world today. Yes, today...today was not a good day, in fact he was already 110% done with today, and about 37% done with tomorrow. He'd not had a good day since Ahsoka left.
Chirp chirp
Anakin growled and sat up, looking at his alarm clock with a livid stare only to frown in confusion. His alarm clock wasn't set, it wasn't even on.
Chirp chirp
So what was that noise?
A flashing caught Anakin's eye and he noticed the holoprojector pod thrown carelessly to the floor in the corner of the room – the consequence of an argument he'd had with Obi-Wan about his current so called 'empty nest' syndrome, had the man said that in his physical form in front of him, Anakin wouldn't have been responsible for his actions.
"If this is karking Obi-Wan..." Anakin let the threat hang before stomping over to the device and angry answering, not even bothering to throw on a shirt.
"Skywalker." Anakin snapped.
"Hey Skyguy!" A small blue image blurred into existence and Anakin's heart stopped. It was exactly the person he'd spent the past month worrying about, pretty much the only person – besides Padme – he wanted anything to do with right now. He made eye contact with her and he had to blink several times to rid the excess moisture in his eyes. She was safe. She was okay. She was...dead!
"Where have you been?" Anakin scolded her. "We've all been so worried, Ahsoka! Force dammit! You don't get to scare me like that!"
Ahsoka bowed her head and looking genuinely regretful. "I'm sorry. I just...I kept putting it off. I didn't want to see you ashamed of me. I guess time just ran away."
Anakin walked over to his bed and sat down, looking at her gently and reminding her. "Ahsoka, you know that I have never been, or never will be, ashamed of you. I'm proud of you."
"Even now?" That question portrayed all of her insecurities to her former Master.
"Especially now." Anakin told her, smiling softly. "I may not like your decision but I'm proud that you were strong enough to put that aside and see it through. I wasn't...at first but...I understand."
"Thank you, Master." Ahsoka replied sincerely.
"I'm not your Master anymore - I'm just Anakin now - so it's time we saw each other as equals." Anakin reminded her. "Speaking of which, where are you now? How are you?"
Ahsoka looked behind her and smirked. "I was on Shilli." She waved at someone before turning back to her Master. "I have a brother. He's very kind and I'm stayed with him for a little while."
Anakin smiled for a second, happy that she had a chance to get to know her family now. He was glad she had a real chance at a normal, happy life. He then frowned, recalling her words. "Are you not staying on Shilli?"
"No, I've already left. I'm on Cantarra, the fifth moon of Danvar in the outer rim."
"Why? Don't you wanna stay with your family? Your brother?" Anakin truly couldn't understand her motives. What was going on in this girls head?
"And what, Skyguy? Settle down? Get married to some nice Togruta boy? Procreate?" Her mouth turned up in disgust at the last question. "I don't think I'm suited to normal life. Besides...why would I stay in one place? I can do so much now. I can be everything that being a Jedi prevented me from being. I can do everything that I've always wanted to do. I have the whole galaxy waiting for me right now and I want to see it...properly...not as a soldier."
Anakin smiled and chuckled lightly to himself, he was wrong to believe for a second that his Snips would be anything but the eager, wide-eyed child that he loved. Perhaps, maybe, she would be alright. In fact, he thought she'd be more than alright...she was going to be amazing and he had a very strong feeling that his little one's action weren't going to escape his, or anyone's, notice – she had never been one for sticking to the shadows.
Ahsoka's eager expression turned into a slightly sadder one. "And now Master, now you know that I'm good...you need to let me go."
"You know I can't do that, Snips." Anakin's expression contorted with pain. "I...just can't."
"You can." Ahsoka urged gently. "You have your path and I have mine but...I think they're gonna meet - I think they're gonna meet a lot. You are going to see me again."
"You can promise that?" Suddenly it felt like the roles had been reversed, that he was the child and she the concerned guardian.
"Yeah." Ahsoka laughed. "Skyguy, I've hardly abandoned you. It's not like I've written you off, I'm just starting anew. I'm making my own life now, it's a normal thing. But I'll be back, not now but one day...I'll just fall out of the sky on your front door but until then...you're gonna have to learn to live without me."
"I will." Ahsoka could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
"No, don't just say that. You have to mean it. You can't just shut yourself off, okay? You're more than that, Anakin. You have so many people that rely on you and they need you." Ahsoka replied heatedly. "There are people all over the galaxy that need you right now and they can't sit around and wait for you to snap out of this."
"I know, I'll try...I promise." Anakin replied with a light chuckle.
Ahsoka turned around again for a second before shouting something to someone off-screen before turning back to him with a sad expression and Anakin could guess what she was about to say. "I have to go."
"I know." Anakin figured as much. "Snips..."
"I know...I'll be careful." Ahsoka rolled her eyes. "And you be careful...and you look after yourself."
"I'm more worried about you then me, Ahsoka." Anakin told her firmly.
"Don't be." Ahsoka told him gently, smiling brighter than he'd seen in a long time. "I'm gonna be okay. In fact, for the first time in a very long time, I'm gonna be amazing. Everything's kind of amazing right now."
The sound of an explosion in the background made Anakin jump and his brow furrowed. What in the force's name was that girl doing?
"Ahsoka-"
Anakin hadn't even gotten close to starting his lecture when Ahsoka interrupted him and said. "Don't worry Skyguy, that was nothing much...just a bit of a rebellion."
"A rebellion?" Anakin asked dangerously. If he had to come out to whatever dustball she was hiding on and rescue her, she would never be allowed out of his sight again.
"Yeah, a bit of a slave rebellion on Cantarra." Ahsoka smirked and levelled a cocky look at her Master. "I may not be a solider anymore but I'm always gonna be fighter. This whole moon is pretty much dedicated to slave encampments and...well...let's just say that by tomorrow, there may not be a single one left." Ahsoka turned around and spoke in an exasperated tone. "Don't do that. No, no! Sarty is not fireproof. Put that down! See what I mean, now go get an extinguisher and put that out. And somebody help Sarty." Ahsoka turned back to her Master and said in an apologetic tone. "I'm sorry, I really have to go."
Anakin wished she could stay but he couldn't take her away from a situation that needed her, especially since he wasn't there to watch her back – she needed her wits about her not an overly-emotional guardian hovering over her.
"Keep in touch?" It was meant to sound like an order but it came across as a plea to Anakin's exasperation.
"Absolutely." Ahsoka agreed.
"No." Anakin intoned gently. "I mean it. Call me; whenever you want, it could be the middle of the night or halfway through a mission or even if I'm angry. I always have time for you, Snips. I'm always going to be there. I promise you that you are never going to be alone again, I will never abandon you again, Ahsoka."
Ahsoka's reply caught in her throat for a few seconds before she nodded and replied in a watery tone. "That means more to me than you'll ever realise, Skyguy. I miss you."
"I miss you too." Anakin replied instantly.
"Bye bye Skyguy, I'll see you soon." Ahsoka bowed slightly out of respect.
"I hope so Snips, I really do."
Ahsoka smiled before cancelling the connection., leaving her mentor alone once again to go rescue whatever civilisation needed her right now. Anakin didn't know how he could've expected any less from her.
Anakin felt his heart swell with pride and a beaming smile broke out on his face. Yes, this child was going to be fine...and maybe, just maybe, she'd find her way home someday...once she'd found whatever she was looking for.
She had a bit of searching to do; for now she had her own path to follow, and he knew she was facing some major questions about herself, about the Jedi...about everything and she would no doubt go looking for answers. He could tell that right now she was looking for somewhere to fit in – somewhere we she belonged - and he hoped she found everything she was looking and he hoped that once she had then she'd come back to him.
He'd forever hold onto that hope.
He still wished that she'd stayed.
