A/N: WARNING. The following contains a humorous and cracky depiction of the Avengers living in the same household. Parental supervision is necessary but not advised.
Malibu, Florida
There were many things that Steve Rogers didn't understand about the 21st century. How people behaved nowadays, with such little respect for others and participating in such self-destructive activities were the things he understood the least. Both things were the exact reason he couldn't for the life of him figure out Tony Stark, who was a self-admitted jerk and a not-so-admitted drunkard. The billionaire was the sort of person that Steve would have found to be insufferable, and to an extent he did, but for some reason he found Tony to be tolerable whenever he wasn't making a lewd joke or generally being otherwise obnoxious.
Suffice to say, not very often.
Unfortunately, about a month after the Battle of New York, SHIELD had contacted all of the Avengers, save Thor who was on Asgard at the moment, and told them that in order for them to be prepared at any time for an attack on the Earth, they would all be taking residence at Stark Manor.
Tony, as one could expect, was not happy about this decision, which he stated in a very long monologue that included enough swearing to get him an R rating in a movie theater.
In the end, Ms. Potts ended up dragging the raging genius (who had begun foaming at the mouth) back home, and Stark Manor became the official temporary Avengers headquarters.
It had been three weeks since then, and the group had fallen into a sort of pattern, a relative peace if you will. As long as no one intentionally provoked Bruce into turning into the other guy (Tony), or tried to flirt with Natasha (Still Tony, though if she was in a bad mood Clint as well), or called Clint Legolas or Katniss (seriously, who else would it be?), the house would still be standing the next morning.
One morning, however, the owner of said house was nowhere to be found. Around eight o'clock, Bruce had come into the kitchen and asked if anyone had seen Tony, who was supposed to be working on a project with him down in the lab. The full-scale search of the mansion started then, and lasted for about three hours before everyone was about ready to give up on ever finding the missing billionaire.
"Where the HELL is that insufferable narcissist?" Natasha growled, eyes narrowed in frustration.
"You know, it's entirely possible that he isn't even here anymore," Clint suggested. Three pairs of eyes trained their irritated gaze on the archer at that comment. "What? I'm just saying!"
Bruce sighed. "No, he's still here. The suit and all twenty-seven of his cars are here, and somehow I doubt Tony Stark would ever walk anywhere that he could drive or fly to in a lesser amount of time."
Silence reigned for a moment as the group attempted to think up another plan. Then a thought came to Steve's mind.
"Wouldn't JARVIS know where Tony is?"
Silence again reigned. Then Natasha walked over and punched Steve in the arm.
"OW. WHY?"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SUGGEST THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
-With Great Power-
As it turned out, JARVIS did know where Tony was hiding. The computer had briefly considered telling the group this at the beginning of the search, but had decided that watching them frantically look for the genius was much more entertaining than helping them out.
After Natasha and Clint both cursed the AI out, randomly switching from English to Russian to German to Chinese and so forth, the heroes went into what was possibly the most dangerous and vile room in all of Stark Manor: Tony's bedroom, where the occupant was currently buried under what Clint referred to as Mount Blanket.
"Tony? Are you still alive under there?"
For a moment, there was no response. Then groggy mumbling let the other Avengers know that Tony was indeed still alive in his blanket fortress.
"Steve, go get him out of there."
The super-soldier recoiled. "Wha- NO! The last time I did that, he turned out to be naked!"
"And?" Natasha asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Steve just glared at her.
"I'd think that would be pretty obvious."
Before the duo could get into an argument, however, there was a shriek from the bed, Tony having been revealed when Bruce and Clint pushed over the fluffy fort.
"THE SUN. IT BUUUUURNS!"
"Up and at 'em, Drunky McDrunkerson." Bruce deadpanned, not an ounce of sympathy for the genius on his face.
Tony glared at him through tired, squinted eyes. "All of my hatred, Banner. ALL OF IT. You too, Legolas."
Clint snorted while smacking the genius upside the head lightly, which caused Tony to wince in pain.
"OW! THAT HURTS, DAMMIT!"
"Oh, shut up, I barely touched you."
Just then, JARVIS interrupted what could have become the battle that would finally destroy Stark Manor. "Sir, you have a call coming in from Zachary Anderson."
Tony groaned and pulled a pillow over his head. "Tell him to fuck off, I'm tired."
"He has called thirty-seven times now, sir, and in his last message he threatened to, and I quote, 'Get on his jet, fly to the manor, and slap you silly if you don't answer the phone'. He sounded quite serious."
Once again the billionaire groaned. "Fiiiiine. Put him on."
"Yes, sir."
There was a brief click, and then a very cross-sounding man began screaming into the phone.
"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!"
Tony screeched in pain. "STOP YELLING I'M HUNGOVER YOU DOUCHEBAG!"
"THEN SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR DRINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE ASSHOLE!"
"WOULD BOTH OF YOU STOP YELLING ALREADY?" Clint bellowed into the phone and right next to Tony's ear.
"OW. WHY."
There was a pause on the other end. "Tony," The other man began warily, "Who the hell was that?"
"That," stated Tony, rubbing his ear warily, "Is Clint Barton, one of the many people staying at my manor because frikkin' Fury said I have to put up with them. Do you know what it's like to have to be constantly fixing all the things? All the things, Zach."
"Whatever, Tony. You're gonna have to reschedule fixing things for a later date. I need you to come to Ohio and watch Blaine while I'm in Europe on business."
"What! Why do I have to watch your kid? Don't you have an older son or an ex-wife who can do that?"
"I trust Cooper about as far as I can throw him. And I don't talk to Emily, Tony; I have a lawyer for that. Think of it this way: You watch my son, I don't leak potentially career destroying college photos to the Internet. And by the way, when I called Pepper and asked if you were comatose she hung up on me, what the hell did you do?"
Tony's expression turned to one of regret at the mention of her name. The events of last night floated through his mind like a cruel river.
It's over, Tony. I'm done with you.
"I-It's… It's nothing. Look, I'll watch Blaine, okay?"
"Great. Be here at noon, okay?"
With that, the other man hung up, leaving Tony with the rest of the Avengers staring at him.
"So," Tony started, suddenly grinning maliciously, "Who's up for a stay in Ohio?"
-Comes Great Responsibility-
Lima, Ohio
"This is a really bad idea, Dad."
Zachary Anderson sighed for what felt like the fifth time that day. "Blaine, its fine. Tony is an adult, even if he doesn't act like it."
"Please! Cooper is more responsible than he is, and Cooper's an overgrown seven-year-old! I can tell you right now that the house will be at least half-demolished and will smell like sex and booze when you get home."
"Even if that's true, if it were Cooper there wouldn't even be a house to come home to. Just bear with it, Blaine, it's only for a couple of weeks."
Just then, there the sound of engines right outside the door.
"That's probably him now. Let's go, Blaine."
Blaine sighed, praying that if there really was a God up there, he'd have mercy on Blaine's soul and let the house be standing in two weeks. Hell, he'd settle for half of a standing mansion if that was what he could get!
Zachary opened the oak doors, expecting his college friend in his usual suit (or an AC/DC t-shirt and ratty jeans, just so long as he was clothed), only to be greeted by the one of the tallest men he'd ever seen.
"Er… hello. Can I help you?"
The tall, muscular looking blonde man looked extremely uncomfortable. "Um, hello. My name is Steve Rogers, and-"
Steve Rogers? Why do I know that name?
Zachary sighed. "Look, whatever you're selling, we're not inter-"
"ZACH!" Tony suddenly appeared out of seemingly nowhere and gave his friend a hug. "Hi!"
Once again, the senator sighed. "Hi, Tony. Do you know this guy?"
"Oh, him?" The billionaire released his old friend, clapping the tall man on the shoulder. "This fine gentleman is Captain Steven Rogers, better known as Captain America."
Both father and son stared at Tony in shocked silence. "The Captain America? As in, the one that your father-"
Suddenly, there was a loud crash, then a great rumble like an earthquake.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
"Oh good, the lab's here!"
"LAB? Please tell me you mean a dog…"
"Nope! Come on in, guys!" Tony yelled out behind the Captain.
"Who are you-?"
Suddenly, three more people filed in behind the super-soldier, a thin, busty redhead in tights and a red mini-dress, a strong-looking brunette wearing a rather odd suit of sorts, and a nervous, slightly disheveled man.
"Zach, Blaine, meet Natasha, Katniss and Bruce. Guys, meet Zach and Blaine."
The strong brunette crossed his arms and glared at Tony. "My name is Clint, assbutt. Stop introducing me to people as Katniss."
"Whatever you say, Legolas."
Zach stared at his old college buddy, completely shocked beyond belief. "You brought the Avengers to my house."
"Weeell, not all of the Avengers. Thor couldn't be here on account of he's on another planet right now."
For a moment, the house was silent. Then Zach straightened his tie and grabbed his suitcase. "Well. Try not to destroy my home or kill my son, if you can't help but kill someone."
"No promises."
"Didn't expect any. I'll be home in three weeks."
"WHAT! DAD WAIT A-!" Blaine began to try and reason with his father, but it was too late, he was already gone. Slowly, he turned to the team of superheroes in his entry hall.
The freaking Avengers are in my house.
Blaine groaned, raising his hands to his face. "Sam's gonna have a coronary."
A/N: For all you Thor fans out there, do not be alarmed! He shall appear soon, as I am also a fan of the god of Thunder and his antics, and Loki shall appear too as I love him as well!
