Proud of nothing
April put her stuff in the dressing room and put her scrubs on. She went to the entrance hall, where Miranda Bailey just called her. "Kepner I need you here in 5 minutes. Page Hunt and Riggs also. A Cardio Trauma is coming in." Ordered Bailey.
" But Hunt told explicit that he never wants to work with Riggs." April said. "It doesn't matter what kind of issues Hunt with Riggs have or what Hunt said, We need a cardio surgeon. Pierce is in the OR now, so page Riggs. "Bailey said. "But... " no but, Kepner page Riggs. "Urgh as if I have no other Stuff that I have to handle..." She mummers to herself and rolling her eyes in annoyance. Suo she paged Hunt and Riggs to pick up the next incoming emergergy. Now she was waiting Riggs and Hunt outside before the emergency room. "Kepner I told you I don't want... Hunt began to complain. " I know Owen." She answered and gasp in frustration. " oh look the ambulance, the duty calls guys. Work to do." she said in relief when she finally saw the ambulance and walk through it. The doors of the ambulance opened and the patient got carried out. "So what do we have..." The Last thing what April heard was a big bang and was thrown away by the compression wave. Then the darkness followed.
"Fuck April!" Nathan screamed and ran towards her.
She lay on the floor, was unconsious and bled out of the head. He felt for her pulse. "Thank God! She's alive." Nathan murmured in relief. "Hunt get help, now" Nathan screamed. "I am on my way" Hunt answered and rushed back in the hospital. "We need help!" Owen screamed while he rushed into the Entrance Hall and ran straight into Jackson. "What the hell has happened." Jackson ask in confusion. " The ambulance exploded..." he stuttered "April... " Owen didn't have to say more. Jackson eyes widened in fright and he ran through the emergency entrance as if his life depends on it. "Riggs, don't touch her, go away from her. What the hell happened." Jackson barked, pushed Nathan aside and lay down on his knees beside of April. "The ambulance explooded and she got thrown away by the compression wave. She is unconscious. And has a head injury. But she is alive." Nathan explained. Jackson couldn't think clearly anymore. How April was laying there. Unconscious, blood was pouring out of her head and smut covered her face. He couldn't lose her. He thought. Why does this take so long. Nathan get some damn help! NOW!" Jackson barked in rage. "I'll go." Nathan laid a Hand on Jackson Shoulder to calm him down, who now was taking aprils hand into his and said. " She will survive this. She is the Machine" then he paged every one with 911. "Please April, don't leave me... You have live..." He croaks out. I love you... do you hear me April... don't you dare to die. You understand." Jackson whispers while he was fighting against his tears. The thoughts of divorce were far away now. Then all came. Hunt, Amelia, Callie, Arizona und Alex. He let her hand go and walked aside to the others could do their work. "1.2.3. up." They said all in sync as they lay her down on the barrow. Jackson ran with them into the trauma room. All people worked as fast as they could. Jackson examined her body after burns She had some burn injuries on her belly, some on her legs. He felt like he was caught in a bad movie. He didn't even notice the others anymore. He was totally focused on Apri. Suddenly he heard a irregular signal. He felt the blood rushed down from his face. "Crap! Ventricular fibrillation!" He thought. Thrilled with panic he jumps up and began cardiac rhythm massage. The adrenaline whooshed in his veins. He don't had time to panic. He couldn't hide his tears anymore but he didn't give a damn shit if they were seeing them. Come on Apes, come on. Jackson repeated over and over again. He continues alternate with the cardiac massage and the mouth to mouth resuscitation. Come on April, please. Jackson whispers desperately. But he got pushed aside by the others which came with the pedals. Jackson stepped back allergically until he felt the cold wall behind his back. He sank to the floor and burst out into tears. He was aware of the voices around him only incidentally. "Charge to 200... go..." Owen ordered harsh. "Nothing... Again... Charge to 250... Nothing... Shit Kepner... Come on, don't let me down... Charge to 300... go... Nothing...We have to open her, lets get in the OR NOW" Owen barked. The others rushed as quickly as they could in the OR with April. Jackson jumped up. " I'll go with you." Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. "My son you're don't allow to operate on family members. Go outside and grab you some coffee, she is in good hands." Richard Webber said. " I can not wait here and drink some coffee, while she is there.. not clear if she makes... "He couldn't speak out the last words . Tears of anger and helplessness were coming out again. I can not wait here like some idiot. I have to do something, Richard. She is my wife Richard. She is my fucking wife. " He screamed and punched the wall in anger. " I have to do something. The whole time I have done nothing, besides of screaming at her, blaming her and throwing those stupid divorce papers through her face. I have done nothing to save our marriage. Even in the counselling I was only stubborn, proud and unforgiving... What kind of Husband am I?" Ask Jackson his eyes still filled with tears. "I know my son." Said Richard and took him in his arms. Jackson normally was uncomfortable with such an gesture of intimacy with Richard Webber. But nw he needed it and didn't care, that he was not his father. He felt like he was falling apart , right now and he as grateful for every support. "Everybody make mistakes. You both had make mistake. It is human. You had both suffered a tragic loss. You both had only different ways to cope with it. We are often make wrong chioces because of unneccasary pride. Let me say that as man who often made bad choices misled by unnecessary pride and regretted it badly. But it is never too late to change things. My son. She will survive. Do you hear me she will survive." He squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. Jackson nodded grateful. He paced up and down through the corridors and sat down on a chair with a cup of coffee. But then he saw Arizona. "Jackson." She called. "How is April?" He ask. His voice filled with scare. " She is in a critical condition, but she is alive." Jackson sighed in relief. " Jackson...?" he met her gaze. "Did you knew it?" Arizona ask. "Knew what?" He ask in confusion. "April is pregnant. His eyes widened in shock. His mind raced. "Wh...what." Is... is it alive.? Jackson ask His look filled with panic. " Yeah it is alive. But both are in a critical state. We already called Addison for help. She is right on her way. We take care of both of them. Don't worry They will past trough this. They will survive." Arizona gave him a small hug and wiped some tears back, which were escaping from her own eyes. "She is the Machine. " She gave hhim a small smile. "And nothing is gonna stop her. Not even a damn exploding ambulance." "Yeah she is a Soldier" He answered and forced a smile. Suddenly the pager of Arizona alarmed. "Jackson I have to go." Arizona said while she looked at her pager. "Wait, is something going on with April?" He asked in panic. "I really have to go. We have all under control. I have to go." She said with an apologetic look and rushed back in the OR.
April suddenly saw a bright light in front of her. "oh my god, it's over... it is really over,,," she thought. She went further to the light. When she could already see something she found herself standing in a colorful field with flowers and butterflies flying all around her. She was confused. "Kepner. What are you doing here? You are not supposed be here" A familiar voice was asking her. She turned around and then she saw grinning Mark Sloan, whos walking towards her with Lexi in his arms. "Where am I? Am I dead?" April asked "No. not now. Thats your intermediate world. This is your place of happiness. This is what your heaven would be like."+"Lake Tahoe." April Whispers in awe " Of course the place where she got married to Jackson – the love of her life – was her place of happiness. How it could be different? She thought and smiled. She saw the butterflies flying around her. It was like a dream. "I would really like to stay here forever." She said to Mark with teary eyes. "Oh I know someone, who really wouldn't like that and wouldd be very mad about it, Kepner. Look into the Lake April. She did as she were told and looked down in the lake right towards her. What she seen, broke her heart. It was a Vision of a Heartbroken Jackson, curled in a fetal position, who cried bitterly. It seemed like life drained from him. It looks like he were praying. Her Heart hurts by this sight. She felt Marks hand on her Shoulder. Lexi kneeled down besides her. "He loves you so much April, don't you see it? He love you more than everything." Lexie said smiling kindly. April nodded and began to cry. "I know, but I screwed all up. I couldn't stay with. I couldn't the pain was to much... to much. Sobs were escaping. I couldn't cope the loss of Samuel. It was so much pain. Lexi hugged her and stroked her hair. All of this scenery seems so real now and that scared her. While April was crying in Lexies arms, mark left them to come back a few moments later. "Hey April. Look who wanted to see you." Mark said in awe. April could hardly believe ones eyes. "Samuel" She whispers and felt on her knees. Another wave of tears were coming out. "Hey say hello to your mother little buddy." Mark said lovingly and handed him careful into Aprils arms. April was overwhelmed of her feelings. Now she felt more alive since the past last year and now she is almost dead. She thought sarcastically. "Hey my little Angel." She whispers, her heart filled with joy. Samuel chuchled happy. She could feel that his heart was full of peace and love. Not a remembrance of pain and agony. This awareness made her extremely happy She took his little hand in hers and a vision came up. April saw what her beautiful son saw in his last minutes of his short life. She saw him looking up to his mum and dad. She saw that Samuel was only feeling peace and overwhelming love. His last memory were his parents were looking at him with so much love and awe in their eyes. This was his last memory until god had taken him to his beautiful heaven. This knowledge gave April so much peace and joy. She reached for his tiny little hand while the vision ended and whispered. "I love you so much, my little angel. Mommy and Daddy love you so much." She kissed his forehead softly. She felt tears on her cheeks. She looked up and saw Mark and Lexie watching her. " you spare him pain April. Samuel is very grateful for that and he loves you so mush for generous, altruistic decision you made. Lexi and I will taking care of him. Somehow or either we were supposed to become the godparents." Mark said lovely smiling. " Yeah absolutly." April Answered with a huge smile. "You have to go back to your husband. He needs you. Go back to him, so that you can kick his ass for serving you with divorce papers and give an extra kick of me please. I teached him better than that." He grinned and gave her a caring hug. She look to Mark and Lexie. She knew that she had to go back to her husband. Back to the love of her live. The Scenerie slowly disappear and the darkness were coming again.
"Thank god we have a heartbeat again." Hunt sigh in relief.
The brain bleeding is also under control. Amelia said. " A fetal heartbeat is also there and regular." Addison said happy. "There Kepner I knew we got you. I knew you gonna survive. Your the machine" Nathan whispered proud and happy. "I don't mind if we close her and take her up to intensive care unit." Amelia said. "Good girl. Kepner. Now you only have to wake up for us all. Especially for that little miracle in your belly." Whispered Owen.
Jackson called his mother. She took the next plain to Seattle. He felt asleep, sitting on a chair, while waiting for an update. He woke up by a calm hand on his shoulder. It was Nathan, Jackson stand up and ask fearful. " How is she and the baby." " Both are alive. She is in a coma and on the intensive care unit now. But the baby doing great. You can go upstairs now, if you want." Jackson swallowed hard. He didn't know if he have to be relief, happy or scared as hell? On the one hand he was so happy that the baby was fine, unbelievably happy... But on the other hand... the fact that April is in a coma now... scared the shit out of him. He nodded and was up to go upstairs, when he heard Nathan call. "She will survive Jackson. She is the strongest person I have ever known." Jackson cracked a small smile and " Yeah she is." "oh and congrats to your little healthy son."
"Nathan wait... Jackson called out. Nathan stopped and turned around. " Healthy. ? Do you mean..." He was not able to continue the sentence and he didn't have to. Nathan gave him a empathic smile, went toward him and answers. " Yeah a perfect healthy baby boy. He is fine. He doesn't have oesteogenesis imperfecta." Overwhelmed by his feeling, Jackson put nathan in a tight hug. "Thank you for saving my wife." "My pleasure" Nathan replied. "I go better upstairs now bye." With these word Jackson ran to April. As he entered her room. Amelia was checkung her vital functions. Addison did the same at their son and after it they nodded sympathetically and left the room to give the couple some privacy. The sight which he was greeted, ripped his heart out. Her attached at all these hoses and medical equipment. That was so surreal. He sat beside her and took hand in his gently. " Hey my sleeping beauty. What have you done, huh? You didn't have to get between an exploded ambulance, to put some sense in my stubborn head." He whispered and forced himself to smile. " Oh you did a very good job. But now you have to wake up sweetheart. Wake up for me, love... please..." he didn't prevent the tears from falling. "Do you hear me my love. Wake up, so I can show you that I forgive you and understand you now... Listen... I was stubborn and proud to see why you had to left me, A total douchebag... you have t open your eyes. So that I can tell you that in your beautiful hazel eyes... that I want to spent my live with you and nothing else matters... so that you can forgive me... ok..." He kissed her fingers softly. "I could totally understand if you wanna stay where you are now... maybe your in heaven or something like that, because that what you supposed to believe... but please don't leave me... Say hello to our beautiful son, tell him how much we love him... " Another wave of tears were coming. He buried his hand, not leaving her hand out of his "I can't live without you... I can't... come back to me. Please tell god he have to wait for you" He begged desperately. He tenderly stroked a strain out of her face. He was so full of love for her. He just wanted to kiss her pale lips. But he couldn't, because of the breathing hose. He looks down at her small hands and noticed her dirty fingernails. He knows how much hates to have dirty fingernails. "Wait my love. I'll go downstairs for your nailset. I'll be back in a minute" He kissed her softly on her forehead and went to the dressing room. In the dressing room he found her purse. As he searched for the nail-kit, he recognize the brown envelope and take it. "Fucking divorce papers." Screamed Jackson in rage, tear the envelope into pieces and trown it away. When he calmed down he continued searching for the nail kit. Besides he founds a bible and decided to take it also. When he wanted to leave the room, he suddenly recognize the small velvet ring box on the floor and pick it up. It was her wedding ring. Did she sign the papers? No that was not an option for him. Anymore. He didn't even know now, why he wanted this. He was angry and hurt. Blinded by rage and proud. He put the small box in his pocket and went back to April. "Hey beauty. Here I am again. Sorry it took me so long." He apologizes and kiss her forehead again. "Now lets take care of your fingernails." He cleaned and prepared her nails. "There you are beauty."He kissed her knuckles after he was finished and laid his head beside he chest. "I love you so much April. I am so sorry, that I didn't tell it so long. I don't know if you can hear but I love you so much." when he looked up to wipe his tears away, he recognized his mum sanding in the doorframe. "Mum." He stood up and walked towards her. "Oh my bo. Mum is here now. How you feeling darling? Catherine ask in concern. "Well not so good, as you can see." "You should get some sleep. I stay here as long as you return." She suggested and gave him a sympathetic kiss on his cheek. "No I am not. I am not leaving her side." Jackson answered. "My son I call you if something changed." I am not leaving her side until she's awake. " "my son you need to sleep." "I need to be here mum." "I Know." His mum said. "She is pregnant mum!" He shouted at her and fought back new tears. "... and all I was doing was throwing divorce papers right in her face and now she is in a coma. so. No I am not gonna leave her." He explained desparetly. "You did what?" Asked his mum in shock. "Jackson Avery. Didn't I teach you better?" Didn't I raised you to a man with manners and sense of honor!? How could you" Catherine asked. "Do you really think I don't know how stupid that was? I know now that she didn't to hurt me. She went because she had to safe herself for us. Now I understand it and believe me I blame myself every second, for not understanding it earlier. Don't you think to see her like that. Hurts me and at least get some sense in me? I get it, mum. I get it. So you don't have to tell it again" He screamed. She took him in her arms and hugged him. She haed to see her son so fragile and in so much pain. The last time she saw him like that, was after the tragic death of her grandson. "Oh my sweet boy...I know... but she will forgive you. She loves you so much... you try marriage counseling again and try to get over all our issues together. You have to fight." Catherine explained. "Everything will be fine, my son. But you have to go to sleep. You look miserable." I am not leaving her mum. Am I clear.!? " "So then let me get a cot for you at least.? Jackson rolled his eyes in annoyance but nodded. A couple minutes later his mother returned with a cot and put it in the room. So now go to sleep my son, I look after her and wake if there is any change?" "all right mum?" Jackson kissed his mum's cheek and went too sleep.
Jackson woke up, because of Amelia, who was checking Aprils condition again. "Any changes?" Jackson asked. "No, we just have to wait." Amelia answered and left the room.
"Hey sleeping beauty. How are you?" He asked and kissed her hand. "Look what I have brought here for you. Your bible. " He took her bible I his hand. I thought you want to read it? At least you would if you were awake." Jackson chuckled. " So I thought maybe you would like it if I read something aloud.? But be lenient with me, I am not used to it and I am maybe gonna be bad in it." He opened the bible where the marker was placed and read aloud. "Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love [is] strong as death; jealousy [is] cruel as the grave: the coals thereof [are] coals of fire, [which hath a] most vehement flame." (song of songs, Salomon.).
Then he read the next part which was marked. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (Corinthians 13:4-7).
Jackson gulped hard after he read those lines from the bible. He was aware that he didn't act like he had to since the last year. He didn't act like a person in love. He didn't like the person who he become, but he was misled by anger and pain. In the last hours he had much time to think and understood why April had to leave him. He only hoped that it was not to late. Jackson knelled besides Aprils bed again. "Hey sweetheart. Do me a favor and wake up, please. Would you do that for me, huh?" Tell me what I am supposed to do to wake you up, love? I can't do this without you." Jackson held her hand and begged. If she woke up, he would definitely begin to believe in god. He thought. Suddenly he felt Aprils hand moving. He blinked a couple of times. Now I am losing it completely. He thought. But then he felt it again... a small squeeze only for a second. "April.? Can you hear me love?" Jackson asked in excitement. He laid beside her, so that his face was touching her face and whispered. " Open your eyes... come back to me... move your hand for me again, if you can hear me. " There it was. A little squeeze again. " Yes April, yes." He continute whispering in her ear. "Now open your beautiful hazel eyes for me, please. Wake up sweetheart, wake up for us. Open your eyes. " Jackson begged and felt the tears running down over his cheeks. He repeated these words over and over again. He was so overwhelmed with emotions. That he didn't notice the slide twitching of her eyelids. Now his hand was squeezed much harder. He could hardly believe his luck. " Hey Apes, there you are." Jackson said lovingly with tearful eyes. She tried to speak, but wasn't able, because of the breathing hose. She panicked because she didn't what happened to her. She tried to move, her body hurt. " It's okay. April. I am here. Stay still. I am gonna call Amelia so she will remove the hose." As he wanted to leave and call for help, April grabbed his hand. She tried to say don't leave me! but couldn't. So she tried to stop by holding his hand tight and shaking her head. He leaned to her and she looked at him with fear in her eyes. " Don't be afraid April... " Tears were coming out of April's eyes. " Hey, love. Your save. Your in Grey's Sloan. " She shook her head in panic. " Calm down, don't move. I am not leaving you, I promise. Calm down." He pushed the emergency button. " Hey look at me, love... calm down... I am here babe" A moment later Nathan rushed in the room. "What happened... " He ask in scare. But then he saw Jackson's happy face and smiled when he saw April awake. "Hey Kepps." He stroke her cheek. "I'am gonna get Amelia, so she gonna take off this breathing tube. You will be fine." In the moment he'd wanted to leave, Amelia showed up. "Alright. I am right here, April. I am gonna take your breathing hose out now. Ok?" Amelia explained. April nodded, but was still scared. She sought out Jackson's gaze. She was so scared. What happened. Her skin and body hurt. Why the hell does she have a breathing hose in her throat? She didn't remember anything. Amelia removed the hose and April retched and coughed by this rough movement. Jackson reacted qiuckly and held her head up. "Breathe. It is alright were here." Jackson whispered calmly. "Wh..what happened?" "The Ambulance exploded and you got hurt. You were to days in a coma. Can you follow the light please. " April did as she was assked "As far I can see all reactions are good. How do you feel April?" Amelia asked. "Awful. My whole body hurts." "I will give you something, to ease the pain." She injected some painkillers in the IV. "Now I leave you aalone, you need to rest. " Amelia smiled and went out of the room. "Welcome back "Machine" " Nathan smiled and left the room either. When they were alone Jackson said: "God, I am so happy that your awake. I thought I am gonna loose you" He took her hand in his and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles. "am I dreaming. Why are you so kind to me." April asked. That hurted, but he deserved it. "April I am sorry. I so so sorry. Please." "But you didn't want me anymore." She said sadly. She didn't fought back the tears. "No no no... April look at me. I always wanted you... even in the times I was mad ad hurt... I wanted you... I was to hurt, to mad, and to proud to see it. " He confessed. She wanted to say something but he stopped her by putting a finger on her lips. "Let me end at first please, sweetheart. I waited too long to tell you that OK" Her heart skipped a beat by his words and she nodded. "We lost Samuel, I lost you... and I was helpless and mad that I couldn't help you going through this pain... I just wanted my wife back. I was so lost too... I wondered why you didn't love me anymore... " He cracked the last words out and didn't care that he was crying now. "I never stopped loving you Jackson. You are the love of my life" April felt the tears falling, but did not care, either. "I love you so much April. I didn't understand why you left me... but know I do... please forgive me for being that stubborn... " April cried harder. "I love you Jackson... I signed the papers... because I love you so much." "Listen love. The who cares about the papers... I teared them apart and thrown it away. " He reached in his pocket and took the ring. He took her hand carefully and slid her wedding ring over her finger. " You're my wife. For better or worse... you remember.?" Jackson smiled at her. April let out a sob. She couldn't believe that this is really happy. It is like all her prayers were heard. "YES. For better or worse." " Can I kiss you?" Jackson ask for permission. " I am your wife. Of course." She whispered and smiled and Jackson leaned down to kiss her like he was his life - cause she was.
