Oh how I love awkward stories about love. Oh how I love a romanticist Naruto. Chapter two!
" –No, no, please don't hang up –" Naruto begged, only to have the twelfth girl hang up on him. He laid the work phone back in its cradle with a mournful look on his face. Sakura looked over at him sympathetically as he mimed having a miniature breakdown.
"Sakura, what's wrong with me?" he complained flatly, "Tell me; do I have a funny accent? Or a gross lisp? Or am I grossly disfigured in some way that I can't see?"
"…What are you talking about?" Sakura inquired flatly; cocking an eyebrow at him as she busied herself with drying off some glasses. They weren't too busy tonight; it was only a Monday after all; the only patrons of the bar were guys looking out to have a relaxing drink after a stressful start of the week. And the local drunks of course.
"I mean I know I'm nothing like Sasuke," the blonde continued to babble, "But I like to think that maybe I'm a kind of attractive guy. I'm nice, right? I don't smell?"
"Seriously, Naruto," Sakura rolled her eyes and he sighed, jabbing an accusatory finger at the phone.
"I've been calling those girls that gave their numbers to Sasuke," he informed her flatly, "None of them want to go on a date with me. None of them! None of them even remember me? How is that even possible?" He clutched at his hair in despair and let out a dry sob, "They all just hang up…or tell me I'm a stalker…"
"You'll find someone," Sakura commented gently; patting him on the back to comfort him, "You're probably just looking in all the wrong places. Maybe there's someone right in front of you and you just haven't spotted them. And no, that doesn't mean me," she added with a chuckle. Naruto just made a mutinous grumble about her being a tease.
"…Yeah, yeah, I found you a date," he muttered; handing her a phone number, "My friend Sai from summer camp? He's an artist now and he said he'd be glad to be your date for Valentine's." Sakura immediately wrapped him in an excited bear hug. He made an 'oof' as he heard his joints all creak in protest at the strength of her hug.
"You're the best!" she exclaimed in delight, "What's he like? Is he cute? Funny? Artsy; that's cool…"
"I suppose he's cute…for a guy?" Naruto raised an eyebrow; thinking of Sai and trying to figure out if the word 'cute' was the right word to describe him. "He's got dark hair, pale skin…he's quite serious but he's a nice guy." Sakura nodded thoughtfully and clapped her hands gleefully.
"Ooh this is so exciting," she giggled, "Oh, by the way, do you think you could find someone for Ino as well? She doesn't want to be alone on Valentine's either…"
"Why don't I take her out?" Naruto offered, "That way –"
"I don't think so," Sakura declined quickly and his face immediately fell, "I mean…that…I don't really think you're her type…" She laughed awkwardly and he pouted. "I'm sure you'll find someone though; someone that you fit with better than Ino."
"Fine," he muttered, "I…I suppose I can find someone for her?" Sakura beamed at him and headed off down the bar with a cheery wave; leaving Naruto glaring at the nearest bottle of alcohol miserably.
"What's with the long face?" a loud, obnoxious voice inquired brightly, and Naruto looked up to see his good friend Kiba Inuzuka walking into the bar. The wild-haired brunette took a seat on one of the bar stools and Naruto obligingly poured him a pint of his favourite beer.
"Valentine's Day," Naruto grumbled, "Can't find a date. Everyone seems to prefer Sasuke over me."
"The dude's banging," Kiba shrugged, "If I was a chick, I'd totally go there."
"No argument there," Suigetsu agreed; having come out from the kitchen at the sound of Kiba's voice. The pair greeted each other with a fist pound as Suigetsu flicked his tea towel over his shoulder lazily, "Heard you set up Sakura for V-day. Could you do me a solid and grab me a date too? Not that Ino chick though; not into blondes."
"Are you kidding me?" Naruto complained good-naturedly, but immediately folded when Suigetsu flicked him a cheeky grin. "Fine. But you owe me! And Kiba; like you'd stand a chance with Sasuke if you were a chick!"
"I so would!" Kiba sniffed haughtily, "I'd have massive tits and that messy-sexy hair that some chicks have…" Suigetsu and Naruto both burst out laughing at the mental image of Kiba as a woman; laughter that apparently Kiba didn't appreciate. "Come on guys, I'd totally be hot enough to hook up with Sasuke…" Suigetsu and Naruto immediately stifled their sniggers, and Naruto cheekily pointed over Kiba's shoulder. The brunette turned to discover that Sasuke had actually just been serving a table right behind him and was leering at him coldly.
"I'm not into bestiality," was the Uchiha's haughty response. Kiba's mouth fell open at the implication as Naruto and Suigetsu burst out into a fresh chorus of laughter at the combination of aghast look on their friend's face and Sasuke's thoroughly unimpressed glare.
"Shut up, guys," Kiba grumbled flatly into his drink. Finally, Suigetsu and Naruto managed to get their sniggers under control. "Speaking of Valentine's…" he rolled his eyes, "It's so much drama. Like, women are such trouble." Naruto leaned heavily on the bar in interest.
"So get this," Kiba sighed heavily, "My sister's friends with Temari…and she wants Shikamaru to take her on a date for Valentine's Day. But apparently Temari doesn't want to ask him…so she's pretending that she doesn't care about it; but Shikamaru thinks she actually doesn't care about it so isn't acting on it…so Temari's getting angry at him and he doesn't know why…" He trailed off vaguely and took a deep scull of his drink.
"…Are they dating yet?" Suigetsu inquired curiously.
"Nope," Kiba replied flatly, "Too stubborn."
" –Haven't they been in love for like, years?" he remarked incredulously.
"Yep," Naruto and Kiba rolled their eyes.
"I do not understand," Suigetsu admitted with a sigh. "She's like the bossiest person in the world and he couldn't give less fucks about anything! Now he won't get off his ass, and she won't stop being stubborn…How the fuck did they fall in love?"
"That's what I love," Naruto exclaimed in delight, "I mean come on! That's what's so great about love; it's so unpredictable! You call literally fall in love with anyone!"
" –It's tiresome," a cold voice interjected snobbily, and the three men looked over to discover that another two people had joined the bar, "Two martinis, Naruto; thanks."
"Sure thing, Neji," Naruto chuckled to himself; pushing off from the bar and grabbing two martini glasses, "Hey there, Hinata," he added; spying Neji's beautiful, quiet cousin hovering nervously at his elbow, "Sakura! Hinata's here!"
A pink head appeared from around the corner and green eyes lit up in delight as Sakura headed over to greet her friend.
"Why so bored with love, Neji?" Naruto inquired curiously, "Tis the season for it!"
"I didn't say it was boring," Neji corrected standoffishly, "I said it was tiresome. It's so much effort to put into meeting someone and getting to know them, and making small talk to figure out if you're compatible…Ugh…" He gratefully accepted the drink placed before him. "Makes me tired just thinking about it."
"I don't think you get what 'falling in love' is about," the blonde sighed; his eyes misting over, "You just…know. You just get a feeling, and you know that it's right! You really know how to make a beautiful thing sound tedious, Neji…"
" –Have you ever fallen in love?" Neji remarked flatly.
"…Well…no…" Naruto admitted sheepishly, "But I bet when I meet the right person, I'll just know; right, Sasuke?"
"I'm not taking part in this," Sasuke snapped with a scoff as he stalked past with a tray of beers, "How's the date hunt going?" He flashed the blonde a smirk and Naruto pouted crossly.
"I'm getting there!" he grouched crossly, "You guys are so unromantic."
"I'm realistic," Neji sniffed with a shrug, "And then there's Shikamaru and Temari…who everyone knows are in love; but they're not going to work –anyone can see that. They're too different."
"Opposites attract," Naruto smirked back, "Love works in mysterious ways."
"Don't quote clichés at us," Kiba rolled his eyes dramatically.
" –Well, it's true," he sniffed flatly, "If two people are in love, then it's bound to work, right? It doesn't matter who they are…They want to be together, so they make it work. True love, man –"
"Not this again…" Deidara complained flatly as he appeared from the kitchen, "Seriously, Naruto, you do this speech every year, yeah. Suigetsu; if Itachi asks why I'm not doing dishes, I'm on my break, yeah? Naruto; you wouldn't know your true love if it was standing right next to you." Naruto blinked at the slightly shorter blonde and obligingly looked over at Suigetsu.
"…Are you in love with me?" he asked, deadpanned. Suigetsu let out a snort of laughter. "Coz it's totally okay if you are. I mean, what's not to love about me?"
"…Obviously quite a lot, if you can't a date for the one day of the year when women can be desperate and not be judged for it," Sasuke commented flatly as he returned from the tables. Everyone present sniggered at Naruto's expense as he glared around at them.
"Oh yeah?" he sniffed, "What about you? Got a hot date in mind?"
"You could say that," Sasuke replied smoothly; a smug smirk playing around the edges of his lips –making Naruto rather feel like punching him. "I've had offers."
"Must be nice, not having to chase anyone," Naruto snorted crossly, "Having free access to anyone you want…" He poured a beer for himself and glared at Sasuke as the other man had the nerve to swipe it from his hand.
"Where's the fun in that?" Sasuke remarked with a shrug, "Besides, if they're not right, then what's the point?"
"Ooh; Sasuke Uchiha; a closet romantic?" Naruto teased; elbowing him in the ribs playfully.
"…Sure seems that way," Suigetsu and Deidara deadpanned; only to receive an irritated Uchiha glare from Sasuke.
"Well, if you don't call the girls, then how will you know if they're right?" the blonde persisted; referring the large amount of phone numbers that the Uchiha always seemed to accumulate. Sasuke just shrugged; throwing his tea towel in his face.
" –Like you said; you just know," he replied flatly, "I'm taking my break. Neji, want a drink?"
"Anything to get away from this conversation," Neji muttered in relief; heading over to find a table away from the racket of the bar.
"You know, Hinata, your cousin really needs to lighten up," Sakura remarked to Hinata; watching him head over, "Also, did you find out what kind of conditioner he uses? His hair looks fabulous…" Hinata giggled politely in agreement; not wanting to openly mock her cousin.
"H-He doesn't really believe in love," she informed them in her sweet, quiet voice, "He just thinks that when you find someone similar and 'compatible' and spend time with them, people mix up 'familiarity' with 'love'."
"Before this Valentine's Day is through, I will make a believer of Neji!" Naruto vowed; but not loud enough for Neji to be able to hear. Everyone laughed at him. His beliefs really were quite unshakeable, but they loved him for it.
That evening progressed as most evenings did at Club Akatsuki. Since it was just a casual Monday, the club area was closed off; leaving a much wider area for the bar. Naruto's friends had departed after a few casual drinks; leaving the bartenders to amuse themselves with the antics of the increasingly drunk patrons.
" –Fucking unbelievable, yeah," Deidara grumbled aggressively as he stalked into the kitchen where Naruto and Suigetsu were busy washing dishes. The bar didn't usually need all of them working, but since they usually made a plump amount of tips, Itachi wasn't going to deny them the work.
"Who this time?" Suigetsu inquired innocently.
"Same idiot that's always here on Monday nights," Deidara muttered mutinously, "That Tobi guy. Fucking split personality, I tell you, yeah. One minute he's all 'virgin mojito' then after he knocks that back, it's all 'single malt whiskey' and 'how about you take a break and let me fuck you'."
"Jesus," Suigetsu remarked flatly. "And he knows you're a dude?"
"…Judging by other things he's said…" Deidara commented; blushing slightly, "…Yeah. Yeah, he knows."
"So why not?" Suigetsu shrugged, "Itachi won't mind."
"I'm above sleazes like him, yeah," Deidara snapped hotly.
" –You complain about guys who want into your pants…and then bitch about when they don't," he rolled his eyes dramatically, "Seriously, Dei?" Immediately, Deidara's eyes flashed in irritation.
"Oh, you want to see why I 'bitch about guys not wanting in my pants'?" he snapped, "Fine!" He flung down his tea towel into the sink and stalked back to the bar. Naruto and Suigetsu, always intrigued by Deidara's strange mood swings; scampered after him. The pair of them broke out into sniggers as they saw Deidara leaning provocatively against the bar; finger in his mouth.
"Why's Deidara doing that?" Sakura inquired with a raised eyebrow, "I mean, cute outfit and all…" Today he was wearing a long-sleeved fishnet shirt with a different crop-top over it. They all suppressed laughs as coughs as Deidara licked his lips invitingly in the direction of a man sitting alone down the end of the bar.
The man sidled closer.
"Are you kidding me?" Sakura complained, "That guy's sexy as hell!"
"…Can't be if he's drinking alone on a Monday night…" Suigetsu muttered.
"Sssh!" Naruto hissed, "This is getting good!" They cringed as Deidara gave the man a flirty, sultry look and tossed his hair coyly before leaning on the bar with a playful look in his eyes.
"Hey sweet thing," the man remarked with a wink, "What's a beautiful girl like you doing working in a place like this?" Instead of answering, Deidara just shrugged with a sweet smirk and the man licked his lips right back. "How about I give you my number? You can give me a call some time?" Deidara coyly bit his index finger with a shy nod before leaning in slightly.
" –I'm a dude, yeah," he remarked flatly; in his obvious masculine voice. Naruto had never seen a man turn so white and flee so fast; swearing as he did so. Deidara turned to face them with an arm pointing at the swinging-shut door; as if to prove his point.
"I am strangely aroused," Suigetsu deadpanned.
"Same here," Sakura commented flatly, "If I was a straight man, I'd turn gay for you, Deidara."
"I think you all missed the part where he freaked out and ran away, yeah?" Deidara snapped angrily, "Fuck this. Men are pigs. I'm horny and need a self-esteem boost." On that note, he stalked over to the opposite end of the bar where the guy; Tobi –who always hit on Deidara on Mondays –was sitting. After literally a sentence of conversation, Tobi got up, and Deidara dragged him towards the bathrooms.
"He's better at flirting than me," Sakura realised.
" –Like, I don't even feel straight anymore," Suigetsu remarked; still staring at the spot where Deidara had been standing, "Naruto; kiss me, quick!"
"I'm not kissing you!" Naruto complained.
"You should totally kiss him," Sakura commented slyly, "Just so he can remind himself that he's not into dudes." Before Naruto had time to react, Sakura had pushed his face forwards and his mouth connected roughly with Suigetsu's.
After a few seconds of their lips pressing together, Naruto felt the force on his head lift and wrenched backwards; both he and Suigetsu glaring openly at a mischievous Sakura.
" –I wasn't serious!" Suigetsu complained, "On the plus side; totally not into dudes."
"Does anyone mind telling me why the pair of you were just kissing?" Itachi's firm voice inquired in an amused tone. Naruto and Suigetsu looked over and took a step back when they encountered both Uchiha brothers peering at them with blank expressions.
"Funny story…Deidara…" Suigetsu coughed awkwardly.
" –Where is he?" Itachi asked, looking down the bar and not seeing the rowdy blonde.
"Having sex in the bathroom," Sakura replied innocently, "I mean…on a break…" Itachi just let out a low sigh and rolled his eyes, saying, "If anyone needs me, I'll be outside in the front section –"
"…Of course you will be," his employees all muttered under their breaths.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked darkly.
"Nothing, Itachi," they assured him; looking the absolute epitome of innocence. He looked at them suspiciously but nonetheless headed out the front to where there were a couple slightly more intoxicated individuals that might need to be escorted by the bouncer.
"That was mean, Sakura," Naruto snapped with a pout as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, "That was my first kiss with a guy!"
"Not true," she scoffed, and he raised an eyebrow quizzically. "Remember in gym class in high school? You kissed Sasuke?" Naruto's mouth fell open in shock and shot a quick look at a sniggering Suigetsu and then over to a scowling Sasuke.
"T-That doesn't count!" he exclaimed; flushing bright red, "It was an accident! Doesn't count!"
"Ahh yes…an accident…that's right…" Sakura remarked nostalgically. "It was hilarious though…"
"As much as I love being embarrassed and uncomfortable…" Naruto snapped, sticking his tongue out at her. "How long until Itachi starts pulling a Deidara on Kisame over there?" Suigetsu and Sakura cackled to themselves at the thought of Itachi seducing the massive bouncer Deidara-style.
"I obviously missed something," Sasuke deadpanned; folding his arms and waiting to be filled in. Naruto roared with laughter and struck up a pose against the bar; sticking his ass and chest out in parody of Deidara's stance. He flicked his hair wildly and licked his lips dramatically. He stuck his finger in his mouth; exaggeratedly biting it and raising his eyebrows mock-seductively.
Sasuke actually chuckled; facepalming at how ridiculous Naruto looked.
"Am I sexy yet?" Naruto asked jokingly, turning his back to them and looking over his shoulder with a flamboyant head toss. They all burst out laughing openly; even Sasuke.
"I don't know how you do it," Suigetsu roared, slapping Naruto on the shoulder as he bowed dramatically, "I swear, you're the only one who can make Sasuke laugh!"
"That's because I'm both adorable and hilarious," Naruto smirked; shouldering Sasuke companionably as he passed.
"You're an idiot, that's what," Sasuke rolled his eyes with a sigh; though there was still a small smile playing on his lips. "Drink?"
"Definitely," Naruto agreed, "Being Deidara is hard work! Hey, Sakura; bet you'd get more numbers if you flirted like that!"
" –Yeah right," Sakura scoffed with a smirk as Naruto and Sasuke began fixing them all drinks in tandem. "Oh, by the way; remember how you have to do the shopping for the Lonely Night Out decorations."
"I have to do that every year," he complained good naturedly; clinking glasses with Sasuke and then with Suigetsu.
"Well that's because since you're there every year, you know what decorations go best," Sasuke smirked. Naruto elbowed him crossly and pouted as the others laughed at him.
"You guys are mean," he sniffed, "Have some faith; I will not be forever alone this year!"
Naruto has such a wonderful view on what love is like. Meanwhile, he's got dates to find for his friends and shopping to do for an event he *reaaaally* doesn't want to attend!
I love the friendships these workmates have, so I'll hopefully be updating soooooon. Leave a review? Maybe? No matter; hope you enjoyed chapter two!
xx K
