Rating: PG and possibly above for one pseudo-bad word and some sexual innuendo (sort of).
Genre: humor/crackfic
Disclaimer: I don't own PB and I'm not making any money off this.
Summary: This is the next chapter to Evil Conspiracies. When we last left, Paul was upset about Caroline overworking and Caroline was contemplating cheating on Paul with Mahone. Here's what happens next.
Note: This is a continuation of the really silly first chapter of this humorfic I wrote a while back. I am poking fun at certain things in the PB universe such as all the gushing over Wentworth Miller (though I LOVE him), the Michael/Sara shipper craziness (though I'm a diehard M/S shipper too) and the surprising amount of Michael/Mahone slashfic out there. My fun-poking is all in good fun but if you're particularly sensitive or protective of those things, just be warned. It's nothing harsh, mostly just silly. Like with my other fics, this is only supposed to be funny, not realistic or reflecting anything canon-ish.
Caroline Reynolds sat in her chair, bored out of her mind while Alex Mahone rambled on and on and on. If he didn't talk about Pam, then he talked about his son. But worst of all was when he brought up Michael Scofield. Michael was so brilliant. Michael was so smart. Michael broke out of prison. Michael got a million tattoos. Honestly, did Mahone know any other words except "Michael Scofield"? Ugh! This was their third date (Paul was so clueless he had no idea Caroline was cheating) and the only thing Caroline had managed to find out about Alex was that he had a thing for Michael Scofield. Oh, good grief.
Abruptly Caroline pushed her chair back and stood up. Even a whiny Paul wasn't worth this.
Alex looked surprised. "What's the matter? Where are you going? We just got here."
"Alex, did you ever see that episode of Friends where Ross learns that Carol is a lesbian?," asked Caroline irritably as she rummaged in her purse for her car keys.
Alex frowned. "There was no such episode. The show started off with the one where Ross moves out and Rachel runs away from her wedding."
Caroline rolled her eyes. "I'm talking about another episode, you moron. The one where it's some kind of weird alternate universe and Phoebe is a stockbroker and Monica is still fat and Ross and Carol try to have a threesome with Susan. That one! Get it from Netflix!"
Alex took out his PDA and carefully added the words 'Netflix membership' after the words 'kiss my Michael Scofield Wanted poster' and 'see if I can get Michael Scofield's picture put on my underroos.' "Okay."
Caroline sighed even more irritably. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
"Um, well, no, not really," said Alex.
Caroline glared at him. "Ross finally realizes that his wife is a lesbian. Sound familiar?"
Alex looked confused. "So you're trying to tell me you're a lesbian?"
"No, you idiot, I'm trying to tell you that you're one!"
Alex looked even more confused. "But I can't be a lesbian. I'd have to be a woman!"
Caroline was about ready to shriek in frustration. "I don't mean that you're a lesbian, I mean that you're gay! (Not that there's anything wrong with that). All you do is talk about Michael Scofield every single time we meet! You're totally obsessed with him!"
"Now, Caroline, that's not true," protested Alex. "Just because Michael is hot, er I mean good-looking, smart, nicely tattooed and well-dressed with beautiful blue eyes (which often look hazel depending on the sunlight and surrounding environment) does NOT mean that I'm gay. I'm just…admiring his…breaking out skills. Yeah, that's it," mumbled Alex as he surreptitiously tried to dispose of his napkin on which he'd doodled 'Michael+Alex 4-ever! Screw that Tancredi bitch!'
"Oh, really?" Caroline's nostrils flared. "Well, fine then. Why don't you just go date him instead?" She threw her napkin down on the dinner table and stormed off in the opposite direction.
Just as she was reaching the front door:
"Well, I would but I don't think he likes me!" wailed Alex. "Do you think maybe I should try a different cologne? I mean, what is it that Sara Tancredi has that I don't, huh? What?!"
About ready to give in to the urge to let out that shriek of frustration, Caroline stalked out the door and slammed it shut. Then suddenly, she reopened the door.
"Boobs!"
Alex slowly put his elbows on the table and thought about that. Well, of course. Scofield was a man after all and all men thought only about boobs…
Paul sniffled. As much as he hated to do it, it had to be done. He had found pictures of Caroline with that crazy nut Alex Mahone. Paul did not like to be cheated on, but particularly not with someone whom everyone knew was gay for Michael Scofield. With a heavy heart, he signed his dear John letter to Caroline:
"Hi honey,
I'm breaking up with you. Hey, at least be grateful I didn't do it on a post-it note like that jerk from Sex in the City. Speaking of, I lost your season two dvds so could you let me know how the season ends? My Netflix membership ran out.
-Paul
PS: You couldn't have dumped me for someone not gay for Michael Scofield?
PPS: What's so great about Scofield anyway? Just because he's hot, er, I mean, good-looking and smart and has tattoos doesn't make him Brad Pitt.
PPSS: I'm keeping the X-Box."
Author's note: Will Caroline go back to Paul? Will Paul forgive her? Will Mahone get a sex change? Tune in next time (if there is a next time). Thanks for reading!
