"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Juu-ku Heisei Jūkunichi Jūnigatsu, Mokuyōbi (Thursday, December 22 2007)
With Christmas a mere three days away, and with the New Year's festivities following after that, Konohagakure is buzzing with holiday cheer.
I am preparing my post cards early this year, having begun them this morning. I did not wish to hand them to my friends late, yet again.
They contained the usual "Wishing you a happy New Year and an early spring" Things like that, the customary tradition.
This year I am even going to make my very own Christmas cake! I am a terrible cook, so it will take me awhile to get it just right, but I am determined to make one that is edible.
I have yet to even begin purchasing the gifts.
I have it all planned out, every gift well thought out, taking into account the personalities of those I wished to give a gift to.
For Tsunade-shishou, extra cash for her gambling, which will be sent along with her postcard.
For Shizune-san, a bunch of crosswords. Maybe they will be more effective than the stress ball I gave her last year.
For Kakashi-sensei, Icha Icha Tengoku (Make Out Heaven), the third to his favorite series.
For Yamato-sempai, a hammock that he can use when free of missions. I know how laid back he can be.
Sai is getting fresh paintbrushes, I've noticed that the ones he has now are losing bristles.
And for Naruto, tulip, lily, and rose seeds for his garden.
That's one new thing I've learned about Naruto. One of his favorite hobbies is gardening. Who would have figured?
I have to tell you, I am a bit relieved that this year is over. Maybe next year will run smoothly.
It will be a fresh start for me.
But I have a lot to do beforehand.
Yes, this week my schedule is full.
And for that I'm grateful.
Hopefully my busyness will keep my mind of things.
For now there is even more weighing on my shoulders than my encounter with Sasuke-kun.
I still think about it, all the time actually. It seems that I just can't shake him out of my system.
But now it seems that I have even more to concern myself with.
It happened today, when I was at my hospital shift. I had started working there more frequently due to the few missions that were coming about. I should be thankful for the fact that we seem to be in a time of peace at the moment, but I itch to get a real mission.
I had checked into the hospital that morning as I normally did, and proceeded to check upon patients that needed tending to.
That all went fine, as it usually did.
It was when I ran into a young teenaged girl that my thoughts went haywire.
I was checking my schedule for that week in the main office of the hospital
She was a kunoichi, most likely a Genin, around twelve years old.
Her moves were hesitant as she walked up to me, a blush forming on her face.
"Excuse me," she said and I nodded my head at her.
"Yes, may I help you in anyway?" I questioned her, a small smile on my own face, having learned that the first step to gaining trust is to be friendly.
"Are-are you a medic?"
I answered with a simple yes.
"Well, then, um, you see," she averted her eyes from mine.
I raised an eyebrow. "What's the problem?"
"It's kind of embarrassing…"
"Uh huh?" I didn't know what it was she would want to ask.
She met my eyes. "Do you know if," she bit her lip, "What I'm trying to say, is it normal for a girl," she looked in both directions to make sure no one was looking. I blinked in confusion at this motion. "To bleed."
My eyes widened. Oh. "Have you not had this discussion with your mother?" I felt a little uncomfortable about discussing it myself.
Her eyes fell to the ground. "Uh uh. No, I haven't. You see, my mother's dead. She died when I was a little girl," I could see tears swelling in her eyes and I knew it must be a touchy subject.
I felt sympathy for her. I don't know how I would have gotten by without my own mother. "I'm sorry about that," she merely nodded, "Well, yes, it is normal for a girl your age to go through such things."
I could tell by her feet shifting that she was far from comfortable with this conversation.
I went behind the receptionist's desk, flipping through some informative guides. I picked up the one I was looking for and handed it to her.
She looked at me questionably.
"This should explain everything," I informed her, "But, if you ever have any other questions, don't hesitate to come talk to me okay?"
She nodded and scurried off.
I watched her leave before I went back to looking at my schedule, when my mind thought of something.
When was the last time I had my period?
It had been awhile, I knew that, but these weeks had seemed longer than normal.
Maybe it had just felt longer than four weeks.
Yeah, that had to be it, I told myself and continued my work.
But that wasn't the end of my suspicions.
I walked into the next patient's room, smiling. I would only be assisting with this one, Tamara-san being the head doctor. She is a very respected doctor, and it was the first time she had asked for my help, thus I was excited.
I looked to the bed, spotting the female patient sitting up on the patient's table. "Hello."
Blue eyes looked at me in confusion. "You are not Tamara-san."
"No, I'm going to be your nurse for today. My name is Sakura."
She nodded. "Nice to meet you, Sakura-san."
I looked down to view her records, it was the first time I had done so since I had received her papers. "So, it looks like…you're pregnant." My smile widened. "Congratulations."
had been that this is what Tamara-san had thought, so she wanted to teach me.
"Thank you." The patient played with the sheets. "I'm a little nervous."
"Your first child?" I questioned in curiousity.
She nodded. "My husband and I had always wanted children."
"How long have you two been married?" I took a seat beside her. Patients' love stories always hold my interest. Perhaps it's because I lack my own…
"Four years. We met back in the Academy, we were even in the same Genin team," she told me.
This caught my interest. "So you're a kunoichi then?"
She nodded. "Hai. I was until I learned of my condition just recently, and both my husband and I agreed that I should retire to stay-at-home mom."
I frowned, that didn't sound too appealing to me. "Is that what you want?"
The woman sighed. "Not really. I love being a ninja," a huge grin met her face and her arm wrapped around her stomach, "But I'll love being a mother more."
I beamed at her words. "That's great."
Her story reminded me of Kurenai-san. She was also pregnant, and I wondered if she was going to retire.
But then I remembered. She couldn't, she didn't have a husband to support her.
My smile turned to a deep frown, remembering Asuma-san's fate. It hadn't been too long since then and the wound that it held to those who had always been around him was still very present.
I shook that from my head and continued our conversation. "So…what's it like?" I had always been curious.
"What is what like?" she asked, and I was glad that she didn't mind me asking questions.
"Pregnancy. I've always wondered…"
Her face lit up in understanding. "Oh. Well, let me tell you, it's a roller coaster ride." She let out a laugh, "Of course, I'm overjoyed and giddy about it, but there are downsides too. A lot of side-effects to it." I was amazed that she was so comfortable talking about it. "First, there's cramps, then your breasts become tender. You become tired and unable to complete the simplest of things. I always felt exhausted after missions, sometimes I had to drop out of my next one in order to gain energy."
I wrinkled my nose unpleasantly. "Doesn't sound very fun."
She nodded. "That's not even the worst of it. The nausea is what killed me. And the headaches and backaches. But, it'll all be worth it in the end."
"Are you excited?"
"You have no idea. I've already started buying everything," she stated, giggling, "My husband is quite annoyed, really. With all my mood swings, he can't seem to keep up."
I laughed along with her. "How far along are you?"
"Not quite four months."
Before I could further question her, Tamara-san walked in. She smiled at both of us. "Hello girls." She nodded at me before turning to the patient.
"How are you feeling today Ishiro-san?"
"Pretty good, actually. Better than I've felt in awhile."
"That's good."
Through the appointment, I paid attention closely.
First, she checked the blood pressure.
Next was to see the baby's development.
I looked on in awe at the screen as I saw what would form into a baby.
It was so magnificent, so beautiful.
You could see all of the organs forming, its fingers and toes, its head.
It was so…breathtaking.
I was still awestruck when I left the hospital and I decided that I liked working with Tamara-san, she had a very enjoyable job.
When I got home, my mother asked me to clean my room for the upcoming New Year.
I told her I would, but when I began picking up objects off the floor, I felt exhausted and tired from work.
I collapsed onto my bed, stretching my arms out and yawning, cleaning far from my mind.
But, I thought to myself, I certainly hadn't done much that day.
I shrugged for a moment.
"You become tired and unable to complete the simplest of things."
I sat up quickly, my heart beating fast.
No, I told myself shaking my head. I was just being silly.
I had been on edge recently, so it was no wonder that I would be paranoid.
But then, I thought back to the incident with the girl.
I snatched my calendar from the wall, flipping back a month.
I skimmed over the weeks, trying to find a star, which indicated my first day of menstruation.
I didn't find it.
My heart pounded in my chest as I glanced through two months ago.
No.
Certainly this was mistaken.
According to my calendar, my last period was over ten weeks ago.
And that's when I started writing this, my mind still in disbelief.
The calendar must be wrong, right?
I have been busy, maybe I just forgot to put it down.
Yeah, or its stress, they say stress can cause you to skip your period.
It has to be one of those two, because I just…I just can't be…
Pregnant.
My Kami, what an inconceivable thought. There's just no way it's possible.
But, a part of my mind is telling me, it is.
It is possible.
I could be pregnant.
With Sasuke-kun's baby nonetheless.
No, I can't allow myself to think such things.
Besides, just because I have two symptoms, doesn't mean I am right? I haven't thrown up, and I feel as healthy as a horse besides my unexpected tiredness. I'm just stressed is all. There are other plausible explanations.
That has to be it.
It has to be.
I refuse to even think myself as pregnant.
It would ruin everything, the whole life that I built myself. I have not worked this hard in life, to grow stronger, to have it all tumbling down upon me like this.
Yes, a baby is a blessed gift to the world.
In most cases.
Not in my case.
Granted, I could never hate a child. Especially my own.
It's just the timing. It's all off.
A baby is supposed to be born into a steady, prosperous family with parents that are married and deeply in love. Parents that can take care of the child and provide it with its every need.
It's supposed to be bestowed upon people that wish for one.
It shouldn't be given to someone like me.
I'm too young and unstable.
I can barely manage to take care of myself, let alone an infant.
As if my life wasn't complicated enough.
I have no one to blame but myself. Why on earth won't these memories just leave me alone? Just when I thought that maybe I could forget, this has to happen. Sasuke-kun haunts me even when he's not around.
Ugh, I feel so weak, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes.
I'll just shake it off, that's what I will do.
I'll focus on work and the upcoming holidays.
I'll push it aside.
Worrying about it will only make it worse.
I want to enjoy the upcoming New Year, and I am going to do so.
I am going to party with my family and friends, eating cake until I can't anymore. I'll go to the shrine and pray as if I had never done so before. Until then, I'll just have to bury myself and work and concentrate and buying presents.
And if I still haven't had my period, after New Year's I will take a pregnancy test.
And just hope for the best.
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"
-Evanescence's Immortal
Yeah, I know this one is a little short. But they're diary entries, so they can't always be uber long... Anyway, hope you all liked it. :3
I'd like to give a big thanks for those of you that took the time to review, or put the story under an alert or favorite, it made my heart all fuzzy inside. x3
So thanks to Dark Promise, AnImEfReAkS 91, neebu, and missprez2007.
DeadlySunrise
