CH 2: Understanding

When Maura Isles bolted through the automatic doors of the hospital the bright light of the afternoon sun inundating her unadjusted eyes stopped her flight. She paused bringing her hand up to shade her face squinting with a slight grimace waiting for the temporary blindness and sensory overload to subside. "Stupid!" She exclaimed, gesturing with frustration she brought her fist up to her mouth to bite down nervously on her thumbnail. She stood there for a moment, watching the traffic pass she could feel the tears starting to well up. A sharp exhale. She clutched at her chest; it felt like she'd been punched, that same sense of fear and terror she had felt…that day. Shaking out her hands she went to place them in familiar pockets to keep from fidgeting but the sweatpants didn't have pockets, a guttural sigh wrestled its way up from her throat. There wasn't much else to do at that moment, Maura hailed a cab and headed home.

Maura stood in the shower for what must have been an eternity. Just standing there. The water, almost scalding biting at her skin flushing it red. "Just wash it away…Just wash…me away," she muttered as she tilted her head back to thoroughly soak her hair. "She's never going to speak to me again." Maura sat down in the shower, exhausted, defeated, she wrapped her arms around her knees and cried until the water ran cold.

Sleep had been slightly better that night. Her bed was a vast improvement to sleeping slumped over in an aging hospital chair, most importantly it was familiar and it felt safe. Jane waking up had helped vanquish the recurring nightmare of the incident that brought Maura to her knees emotionally but the second-guessing of her very forward move caused its own type of restlessness. Anticipating the alarm set for 5am Maura rolled over and half-heartedly deactivated the clock at 4:30. The sun wasn't up, but that meant Jane wouldn't be either.

The city was nice early in the morning, how the water looked when the sun was just rising, the crew teams and single-rowers out early, people getting in a brisk run before work or walking their dog. Pausing to watch the city's early birds enjoying their morning activities Maura thought for a second about going back home, changing and taking a long run instead of going to the hospital. She only thought about it for a second though.

Maura approached the newsstand amongst the other professionals picking up their copies of the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and other assorted magazines for perhaps some lighter lunchtime reading. There were so many magazines. She picked up a copy of the Herald, for the sports pages, and then Sports Illustrated and ESPN figuring those to be safe bets. The clerk went to ring up the purchase and glancing at Maura gave a little smirk, Maura laughed to herself – it was that obvious they weren't for her.

"Maybe I shouldn't…" she started to say to herself as she approached the hospital. But, she needed to see Jane, even if Jane never wanted to speak to her again at least she could steal a few more glimpses of her while she slept in the hospital.

Even the hospital had a somewhat serene feel to it that early, but that small feeling of serenity faded the closer Maura came to Jane's room, her heart started to race, what if Jane is awake, what if Angela or Frank is there? Maura was banking on the routine she had observed during her two nights at the hospital: sleeping in a chair aggravated Angela's back and she had driven home to sleep at night and returned in the mornings, rarely before 9am. Frankie's room actually had a recliner chair so Frank Sr. slept there and waited for Angela to arrive in the morning.

Maura reached for the door handle with a slightly damp palm, opening the door in a deliberate and painfully slow motion to avoid any creaks or groans. She stepped in and peered around the short wall of the entranceway. A sigh of relief as the room was empty save for Jane, still asleep. Maura walked quietly in, tiptoeing in her black ballet flats, she'd specifically chosen not to wear heels so they wanted clip clop on the floor and risk waking Jane. She separated the sports pages, comics and puzzle pages of the Herald from the news sections and laid only the former along with the two magazines on the bedside table, she placed the tv remote and a pencil on top.

The bedside flowers were looking a little wilty, clearly despite Angela's best attempts at watering them. Maura picked up the vase and surveyed the other arrangements for a fresher looking one. Carnations were a little banal she thought but the green ceramic vase of multi-colored carnations by the window looked the most lively. She placed those on the bedside table so Jane would have fresh flowers within eyeshot and then she left.

The next morning, the same routine but this time she stood at the newsstand slightly perplexed. The sports magazines had been an obvious choice, but now what? Cosmo and Vogue weren't really Jane's style. Guns and Ammo might be more to Jane's liking but that publication seemed particularly distasteful given the circumstances. National Geographic was running a story about the rising popularity of Baseball outside the U.S., "A stretch…but perhaps" she said, leafing through the copy, it also featured what looked to be a fascinating article on the revival of Nahuatl, a branch of the Uto-Aztecan language family in Central Mexico. "Hmmm," she smiled, she doubted Jane would find it so fascinating but she selected it anyway. Finally, Maura picked up a copy of Runner's World; granted, Jane often fussed about their long runs but Maura was pretty sure that secretly she enjoyed them, the stress relief, the endorphins…she hoped, the company.

She crept into Jane's room much the same as the day before. Yesterday's magazines were lying scattered on the bedside table, their pages bent indicating they had been read. The Herald's crossword was on top, only half-completed. Maura picked it up to take a look at Jane's progress. "Not bad…" she smiled, glancing down at her sleeping friend. Taking a seat in the familiar hospital chair, she made short work of finishing it and placed it on top of the magazines with the new puzzle. Maura tiptoed out of the room.

"Rise and Shine!" Angela Rizzoli's voice echoed through the room as she drew the window curtains back. Deliver me, Jane thought as she wrested herself awake. She noticed the new magazines and reached over for them. "OUCH!" Jane twisted her face as she gripped her side. Note to self: no games of Twister anytime soon… Angela hurried towards her, "What! What did you do?"

"Nothing Ma, just…moved wrong I guess" Jane replied, her mother's fussing was already wearing thin. "Ma, just hand me those magazines."

Angela complied and returned to the window to tinker with the flowers.

"Ma! I wasn't done with that crossword yet!" Jane exclaimed in an accusatory tone.

"What crossword?" Angela glanced over her shoulder.

"My crossword, from yesterday, I hadn't finished it and now it's filled in."

"Well, it wasn't me, you know I've never been any good at those things. Your father won't even give them to me out of the paper because I spend the whole time asking him for the answers and then he gripes at me 'Ange, if I wanted to do the crossword I would have pulled it out of the paper myself'" Angela laughed a little at her impersonation of her husband. "Maybe one of the nurses filled it in."

"Maybe…" Jane's voice trailed off. It wasn't one of the nurses. Jane took a closer look at the puzzle and recognized Maura's handwriting. She smiled. The sports magazines yesterday hadn't given it away, but the filled in puzzle and copies of National Geographic and Runner's World were so very Maura.

But now, Jane was confused. Maura had kissed her. That had happened. And now what? It's not like Maura to avoid things…me. I'm the avoider. Jane glanced over at her mother who was now flipping through the talk shows. Maybe she's embarrassed. Or Scared? She's afraid to come by when I'm awake? Afraid, that it was a mistake, that I'll feel weird about her…Jesus Christ, how do I feel! Shit! What does any of this mean, dammit Maura.

"Honey, are you ok?" Angela's voice broke her train of thought.

"Huh? Oh, yeah I'm fine, Ma, just…thinking."

"You looked confused about something."

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

"Uh, no, just thinking…probably the meds or whatever making my brain foggy."

"Ok Janie, well, I'm going to go check on Frankie and your father. I'll be back around lunchtime"

"Hey! You could bring me some pizza." Jane hollered after her, causing her mother to stop and give her the Angela Rizzoli-perfected look of criticism, "Really, Janie?..." she said motioning at her daughter in what could only be interpreted to mean: In your condition. Angela left and Jane returned to her previous thought.

Hell yes I'm confused! Jane thought. Processing feelings wasn't something Jane was necessarily the greatest at, but there was no denying that kiss had sparked something inside her, something she hadn't felt when kissing someone in a really long time. Well, what does that mean?

She started thinking about Maura, the development of their friendship. She'd never been as open to trying new things until she met Maura. Yes, Maura is goofy, but that's what makes her charming and she's strangely fun to be around as well as genuine and caring, and there's of course no denying she's attract….Oh God. Jane laughed out loud. Is that what it all means, all this time, going to yoga classes that I hate, running a marathon in a spandex leotard because she started to cry, the late night dinners, the 'sleepovers,' I knew there was something up with that! Being jealous when she had a date…Holy Shit! I was jealous!...checking out her…Oh God, I checked out her…what if she noticed, Fuck, what if Korsak or Frost noticed! Now Jane was teetering somewhere between perplexed, amused and downright mortified. She wasn't sure if she should laugh, slap herself, or punch something. Some fucking detective I am right? Jesus…

The third morning of staring at magazines at the newsstand was even more confusing than the second, and not just because of trying to choose reading material Jane would like. Why do I do this to myself? Maura pondered. I date people subconsciously that I know I don't want a future with, I do things to sabotage the date and then someone comes along that I really care about…Maura inhaled sharply. That's it… She really cared about Jane. When Jane had clasped her hands on several occasions, the electricity that shot through her. The sense of peace she had when they had fallen asleep in the same bed. Wanting to be near her, to share things with her she hadn't shared with anyone else. This is more than how someone thinks of a friend. It was becoming clearer; what her own feelings were. But, Jane had never given any indication of feeling that way. In fact, Jane had been very miffed at being sent under cover as a lesbian for that case a few months back. Maura sighed, picking up Entertainment Weekly and the Billboard music magazine. It's better to be friends, she thought as she headed towards the hospital.

There was a post-it note on the crossword from the day before. "Maur – hands off, I'm gonna finish this one." Maura giggled, it was a tiny relief to have Jane reach out to her, maybe despite what had happened their friendship could be salvaged, she thought. Maura was then startled by footsteps entering the room behind her. She spun around. It was one of the nurses. Relief, if it had been Angela…

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt" A nurse whispered. "Haven't seen you here in a few days."

"Oh, it's ok." Maura answered with a slight smile. "I've just been dropping by in the mornings to leave some magazines."

"AH! So you're the one to blame for that crossword puzzle…" The nurse chuckled, pointing to the page in Maura's hand. Maura looked down at it and gave a puzzled look that begged for further explanation. The nurse continued, "Yesterday, we had to actually take the call button away, she must have buzzed the desk a dozen times for help on that puzzle. You'd have thought it was a matter of life and death to finish that thing." The nurse had a calm manner and a pleasant smile as she updated Jane's chart.

"Well, for your sake then I'll forego the crossword tomorrow." Maura looked nervously down at Jane to make sure the conversation wasn't in danger of waking her up.

"Well, now the doctor's plan is to release her tomorrow."

"So soon?" When she said it Maura realized her tone may have made it sound as if she didn't want Jane released. But, of course she did. Jane being released meant that she was really going to be fine, and for that Maura was grateful…beyond grateful. But, she was also scared to see Jane again, scared for what that conversation would entail.