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Disclaimer: I do not own Being Human, or any of its characters; I own writings about them from a personal perspective and in no way gain contribution.
Authors note: This is my second installment to my three-part Writers Block. I am doing a character study of our three from North America's Being Human, Aiden, Josh, and Sally. How do they view humanity? Well this is what I wrote.
What is Human?
Josh POV:
Some days I can't remember who I am, like life has taken a vice grip to my juggler not allowing blood to my memories. One day I am Josh, unkempt and slightly neurotic. Coasting day to day nervous about each step I take, thinking about home. The next I'm a cruel twist of fate haphazardly digging knives into my brain, causing me more pain then any man could stand to bear, emotionally ripping into the fragile remainders of my soul. I am a thing, something feared by women and children; something hunted by towns' men and burned to death. I am something even I had never fathomed, I am scared of my own existence.
I fear the light that instills a scared child like nature to my domineer, making me curl into ball and wish it away. I hate they way it's ruined my life, taken it from me. Stolen my family, killed any chance of future I may have had. It's stuck me in a hole, ripping at my sanity, tearing at my mental bonds with pure hate and blood rage.
It makes me scream in agony as my skin is boiled alive, my bones are broken rearranged and unbroken, how each pain is more intense and unbearable then the last. I feel the tiny molecules of hair raise to the surface of my skin, each a regret of my life, of my reality, of the things I have done. I collapse to the floor, unable to continue screaming as my thoughts dance to her, who I loved and cared for, a scratched sound of panic and terror escape my swollen esophagus. I let them all down, and this is my price, my torment that will follow me forever more. My legs numb at the snap of my spine, temporarily disabling the use of my lower half, this is something I cannot bare. Being useless, a waste, I should have died, but here I am in all my unwanted glory, a beast.
What scares me the most is when it's over, a fog rolls over my mind, blocking me from controlling myself, remembering, stopping. I am trapped within myself, unable to escape and the monster that was once me runs rampant in the forest, killing, feeding. It lived for this, loved it, the freedom, the blood and carnage. But when I am just Josh, and not the wolf, it still speaks, figuratively, making itself known. It twists everyday life, making everything difficult.
I see my sister, long to hold her in my arms, but all the wolf thinks is blood, death, food. It scares me more then anything. She was more then half way down the 250 meter long hallway. I smelt her before I'd seen her, she smelled of honey and rain, just as always. It was sweet to me, made me wish I could hold her again, tell her everything was okay, give her reassurance. But the wolf, it wanted to taste her, rip her to shreds and sleep in her flesh.
I am not human, I haven't been for almost over two years now. I am my own worst fear, a beast. I can't stand the sight of myself. My whole life is a lie, but it has to be, no one can never know that it takes a great deal of concentration to act moderately happy, I have to remember to be civil with other people I interact with. I disgust myself with everything I have created just so I can pretend to be human.
You cannot be human if you have to pretend to breath, or strive to make a paper move, or if the sight of blood makes you drool, or if once a month you turn into a monster that eats anything living. I cannot be human when I fear an orb in the sky, when red meat makes me crazy, or when I have to be careful not to kill people. Humanity was never saved for monsters, beating heart or not, I am a damned being of nothingness that can never know a true life, that will never have happiness again, and I will never have a family. My life and humanity ended when that monster was born.
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Authors Note: Okay just for the record, oh my gosh, pissed at the laptop I've been using, it kept dying on me so I've had to rewrite the end at lest three times, and it was never quite how I had liked it the first time. But here it is the second part finished. Only one part left and that's Sally. I got some really good feedback from the first one so I'm looking forwards to hearing from everyone.
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