Delusions of Grandeur
"Shhhhhh…. my Love. Don't be afraid."
She strokes his hair back as she cradles him in her arms. Rays of light stream through the brown tendrils of hair framing her cheeks, a thick crown of braids atop her head. Her sweet smile spreads slowly across her face.
"Close your eyes," she commands softly. "Close your eyes and breathe." Sitting down, she adjusts his small body in her arms so his back presses against her chest. She wraps her arms around him and rests her chin on his head. "Breathe with me," she coos. "Breathe with me, son."
His panicked, uneven breathing begins to synchronize with hers, slow and steady.
"Concentrate," she whispers in his ear. "Concentrate on what you feel." He does. He concentrates on the warm peaceful glow pulsing gently inside of him, like a second heartbeat.
"Do you feel it?" She whispers. "Do you feel how much I love you?"
Kylo Ren's eyes open. The room is pitch black. The matt hard and cold against his bare back. He hears the low, mechanical hum of the ship all around him. He blinks. Slowly, he rolls to his side and pushes himself up, his thin, grey cover falling off. The automatic lights in his quarters flicker on. He swings his feet to the floor. He rubs his face with one hand.
Leaning over, he sighs and looks up at the ceiling. He looks down.
His mother's voice still echoes in his head. He hasn't dreamed of her in a very long time. Why now? Why that memory? Just as the question crosses his mind, so does the answer. He remembers the other night and his body stiffens. His jaw sets and his chin juts upwards slightly. For a second, he catches the scent of her hair beneath his nostrils.
In an instant, he stands, casting his life monitor to the side. He strides to the closet and begins dressing himself. Dagon arrives today. It's his first visit since Snoke's death. He must tread carefully…
Dagon is not a direct threat to his plans per se… he's not as powerful with the Force as he is. Nowhere near as powerful as Snoke was. But he is a very old worshiper of the Dark Side… ancient. Hundreds of years ancient. Old enough to have served Darth Plagueis. Old enough to have served Darth Sidious. Old enough to have witnessed his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, become Darth Vader. Dagon is not as strong in the Force as he is, but he is strong, strong enough to be dangerous. Strong enough to merit him being on his guard… being prepared. He must conceal his intent—
For a moment, he catches a glimpse of his bare torso in the mirror and thinks of her blush. He can't stop the corners of his mouth from turning upwards.
Quickly, he suppresses the thought and finishes dressing, marching towards the door as it opens automatically. No, Dagon cannot know his endgame. It's not that he has the power to stop him himself. It's the influence he could wield over the Knights… They are all still true believers, just as they were the day they left with him, Luke's academy smoldering distantly behind them.
Back when his faith in the Force was pure… and naïve…
Kylo Ren storms through the sterile halls of the starship as though he were the only man on board. Lost in his thoughts, he brushes past cowed troopers and officers, desperate to dart out of his way.
He slows down as he reaches the command center. He walks up to General Hux and stops just behind him. His back is turned to him. He's barking orders at a couple of operators.
"Is everything prepared?" Kylo asks flatly, interrupting him.
Hux jumps a little at the sound of his voice. He turns to face him, a familiar look of annoyance registering. His eyes roll upwards and his head flits in slight confusion.
"Prepared for what?"
"Lord Dagon 's arrival."
His eyes open wide as he registers his meaning. "Yes, everything is ready. Of course it is." Hux shoots him a look that says he resents Kylo feels the need to ask him this question in the first place.
"Good. We'll assemble in an hour."
"Where?" He asks, with a hint of urgency.
"The Mercury Room." Kylo replies curtly.
"I'll be a little late. I'm finishing a cell of insurgents in the Belderone system."
"No need to worry. You're not invited."
Kylo turns a heel and strides away before he can see Hux's reaction.
He has time. Time to prepare. Dagon will not be easily rebuffed.
His thick boots click swiftly on the smooth grey surface of the ship's floor. He focuses intently on what he's about to do. Blocking out everything around him, he scans into an elevator with tier 1 security clearance and lightly clasps his hands before him, facing directly forward as he feels himself descend.
He stands in silence for a minute. Unwanted thoughts creep around the edges of his mind. He flirts with letting them loose…
The elevator door whirs open, and Kylo bows his head as he walks out with steady, purposeful steps. He walks alone down a narrow hallway and keys in a security code into the door at the end. He enters the ship's analog archive, barreling down the steps into a long rectangular room that, by all appearances, is completely empty with black metallic surfaces.
He walks up to a section of the wall and enters a code on a hidden keypad. Part of the wall opens, revealing a glass orb just bigger than a human hand resting on a slim silver stand. He reaches out and gently dislodges the orb. He brings it towards his face. Reluctantly, he stares into the orb's endless darkness. It seems alive somehow. Constantly spinning, reforming, deepening…
He feels it deep in his body, just below the chest. That twist, accompanied by a sudden coldness. It's a feeling that every sentient being in the galaxy knows.
Fear.
The Phobis Core. One of three known Sith artifacts that can grant the power to manipulate fear. But before you can manipulate it, you must know it.
Kylo breathes heavily as panic begins to spread within him. He imagines a thick black sludge coursing slowly up through his veins, emanating from the twisting knot in his core. More than anything, he wants to look away but he forces himself to keep staring into the great emptiness inside the orb.
The feeling is in his throat now. It tightens. He can hardly breathe. Only shallow, half breaths that leave him wanting.
This is no endeavor for the weak, but he was born for this, he thinks. Born and bred. Born into the Light. Raised by the Darkness. From the beginning, his feelings have been a sandbox for more powerful players in the galaxy. And because of their games, he's become strong in the Force in a way no one ever thought was possible.
He can endure this.
Suddenly he goes blind. At least, it seems so. He sees nothing but blackness, pulsating all around him. It's as if he's inside the Phobis Core itself. The panic reaches its apex. Kylo feels the loss of gravity as he freefalls through infinity. His heart is pounding out of his chest… He keeps falling… the pounding quickens, it will fail him at any second now… He falls forever, forever on the cusp of a heart attack…
In an instant, gravity returns as he feels his two feet firmly planted below him. His breathing is fast and labored, but beginning to slow down. He stares at the orb as it begins to dull. Gradually, his body relaxes as he imagines the black sludge retreating through his veins back into the knot in his core. The knot is tight yet hangs lightly in his chest. It feels like an interloper, an unwelcome guest.
And like a loaded weapon.
He places the orb back on its stand and secures it closed with the key pad. He walks up the steps and back down the long hallway towards the elevator.
In a port nearby, Lord Dagon descends from his ship. His gait is slow and uneven. His round waist juts to one side with each step. Like Snoke, he is a humanoid but badly disfigured from years of channeling the Dark Side of the Force to unnaturally extend his life. His body is heavy yet frail.
He plops down on the automatic chair that sidles next to him. A black clad operator and a small cadre of storm troopers stand by to escort him.
Lord Dagon looks around him warily.
"It always smells like quiet desperation in here." He rolls his eyes as they proceed.
Soon, the door the Mercury Room swings open as Lord Dagon enters. The room is huge with crimson floors and walls with a round table in the center. Lord Dagon slides into place along the table. A moment later, the door whirs open and three black clad figures enter. They each wear masks identical to Kylo Ren's… before he destroyed his.
"Take off those ridiculous masks," commands Lord Dagon. "They won't help you hide anything from me," he snorts.
They each reach up to remove their masks. Mei Ren takes a seat to the right of Lord Dagon, her narrow eyes calmly taking in her surroundings. Noghri Ren takes a seat to the left, tapping his sharp claws on the table as he does. Thulu Ren follows him, finding a seat next to him.
Another door whirs open as Kylo Ren enters. He strides forward without making eye contact with anyone and takes the seat directly opposite to Lord Dagon. Then, he looks up and stares him straight in the eyes. He doesn't waste any time getting directly to the point.
"Snoke is dead but his vision is not." Kylo's voice is deep and confident. "We are too close to achieving it. His passing is immaterial to our success."
"Immaterial…?" Lord Dagon raises an eyebrow as one side of his mouth curls up slyly. "I suppose that means you believe you can take his place… you… a mere boy…"
The corners of Kylo's lips turn up in amusement. He looks down before looking back up at Dagon. "You know the power to complete this mission has nothing to do with age. It has to do with command of the Force. And I have it."
While speaking, Kylo never breaks eye contact with Dagon.
Lord Dagon purses his lips. "You have the ability with the Force," he corrects him, "but you do not have the command of it. That was never more clear than when you let a novice force-sensitive slaughter our Supreme Leader with impunity!" He barely contains his rage as his voice rises. He leans into the table, piercing Kylo's eyes with his own.
For the first time, Kylo can feel him try to enter his mind. Entering unwilling minds is Dagon 's specialty. He fends him off with no small amount of effort.
Lord Dagon shakes his head and leans back. "You never completed your training."
"So what would you suggest?" Kylo asks accusingly, cocking his head slightly. He lets the question hang thick in the air, unanswered.
Lord Dagon sighs.
"This conversation is pointless," interjects Noghri. "Kylo has been ready for this for a long time. Snoke purposefully dragged out his training… surely you felt this… surely you felt his jealousy… and fear."
Lord Dagon cannot deny this. Despite Snoke's grand ambitions of reforming the Sith, he was still irreparably shaped by their twisted ideology… the rule of two… a master perpetually fearful of his apprentice's ambitions, and an apprentice forever hungry for his master's power. What Snoke feared more than anything was a repeat of history…
Once again, Dagon attempts to enter Kylo's mind. Kylo's face tightens as he glares at him and holds him at bay.
Lord Dagon stops trying for the moment and sits back.
"I invited you here as a courtesy," says Kylo to Dagon matter-of-factly. "A recognition of your instrumental role in initiating this project… in preparing each of us for what lies ahead." He gestures to the Knights around him. "We are thankful for your teachings."
Lord Dagon exhales grimly. How could he be here again? How could he live so long to see the same story repeat itself over and over? To be cast aside by a deluded, arrogant, power hungry little sap… only to see him grow stronger and fail, each failure more stupendous and crushing than the last one.
He smiles wryly. "I'm so happy to have been part of your path to greatness," he scoffs with sarcasm.
Mei's head snaps towards him. "We wouldn't be here without you," she says earnestly. "Here, on the precipice of ushering in a new age of Force-wielders... a new understanding of the Force itself…"
What a true believer, Lord Dagon thinks to himself. Why couldn't she be the one with the pedigree of Force power like this galaxy has never seen?
He looks back to Kylo Ren.
"She's right." Kylo says. "We wouldn't be here without you."
Was that sincerity in his voice? For a third time, Lord Dagon attempts to breach Kylo's mind and, for just a moment, breaks through… enough to be surprised to find his words match his feelings… on some level, at least. The boy has always felt beholden towards him, grateful for at least one teacher who did not actively try to humiliate him.
Lord Dagon sighs again.
"I support you," he relents. "I support you to the end. Despite all our differences, you must know that..." He pauses, and admits with an air of defeat, "You are the only Force-capable being alive with the power to see this through. I just hope you prove a more dexterous wielder of the Force than your grandfather …"
Lord Dagon can feel the rage surge through Kylo Ren, an explosion of anger and resentment that he quickly tries to contain.
But it's too late.
Lord Dagon has a foothold in his mind now. He pries it open adeptly and slips right in. He searches quickly. He won't be able to stay here long.
He sees a beautiful woman, Leia in her prime, cradling a young Kylo—then Ben. He senses conflict… like he always has in this boy… but now he also senses a newfound purpose and determination… a willingness to sacrifice everything, even his own life… then, as if from nowhere, he feels it. The force of it literally knocks him back in his seat.
Lord Dagon gasps for air for a moment, and then begins to laugh…slowly at first, and then more heartily. There's a giddy menace to it. His shoulders heave lightly as he shakes his head and brings his forehead to his palm.
"My God… you really are your grandfather's progeny, aren't you? Your life consumed by a forbidden love. You even love as he did… fiercely… and obsessively" he groans, rolling his eyes upward as he tilts his head back, momentarily lost in memories.
The other Knights look at each other and Kylo uncomfortably. Kylo Ren's jaw twitches to the side. He looks straight ahead at Dagon, avoiding all other eyes. He leans forward, waiting for his moment. He needs him to look back up at him. He needs to catch his eyes directly…
With his forehead still in his palm, Dagon says to no one in particular. "Let this be a lesson to all of you." He looks to Mei. "This is the danger of our new path forward… increased potential for giving into weakness." He articulates each word emphatically. He looks to Thulu. "Reshaping the Force as we mean to will necessitate an ability to endure extremes like neither a Sith nor Jedi has ever endured before…" He looks warily to Kylo Ren, "And if we are to succeed, we must have a leader who can suck out all the marrow the Force has to offer, without becoming consumed by weak emotions…"
Finally, Kylo grips him with his gaze and enters his mind before he can react. He reaches deep within himself, plucking the knot in his core and releasing it into Dagon.
Lord Dagon immediately grows cold. His breath begins to shorten. Suddenly, the light in the room grows too bright and he closes his eyes and buries his head in his hand, struggling for oxygen. Mei begins to get up…
"No need, no need…" Dagon waves her away as he slowly recovers his breath. "Just a chill in an old body." He looks absently downward. For a moment, his mind is lost in thought. Then, he gulps, still struggling to breath with this newly formed knot in his throat. Suddenly, as if reminiscing about good times gone by with an intimate partner, he begins to think aloud.
"You know…" he starts sluggishly. "Your grandfather,…" He catches his breath. "Vader… the same Vader who destroyed cities and commissioned the deaths of countless children… the one who sewed fear every day into the hearts of all around him, breaking their will to him… is the same man who never fell asleep a night in his life without first seeing her face in his mind's eye… Amidala. The beauty from the Naboo. He carried his love for her with him for all those years, like a secret sanctuary inside of him, somewhere he could retreat to in his mind whenever he wanted… his face hidden safely behind a mask. To Sidious's surprise, it ended up enhancing his apprentice's great power… but, ultimately, it was also his undoing…"
Lord Dagon's voice trails off as he looks into nowhere, eyes brimming with the burden of centuries of memories…
Kylo Ren clicks his tongue impatiently. "We thank you for coming," he says, barely disguising the smug, self-assured tone in his voice. "But we all have important things we must attend to." He stands and the others follow his lead.
"Yes, yes, it was good to see you all…" Lord Dagon says absent mindedly. As Kylo passes by him, Dagon suddenly grabs his wrist and looks up at him, the fear palpable in his eyes. His eyes are wide and desperate, almost pleading… "Tell me…. at least Snoke died knowing he trained a capable leader to complete his life's mission… a vision brewing for a thousand years, finally come to being."
Kylo nods. Then turns to walk away.
The old man does not have long. The seed of fear is growing inside him. Soon, he will succumb to it… and will be one less thing he needs to worry about.
He stops himself from breathing a sigh of relief as strides confidently down the imperial ship's halls. So Dagon and the others know about his attraction to Rey. Dagon can hardly fault him too much for it. He, the man who once drunkenly told him and every other Knight that they could not consider themselves true wielders of the Dark Side until they seduced at least one unwilling lover.
That advice lead to more than one Knight falling into slightly similar circumstances as the one he now finds himself in… slightly. Surely, they won't think twice about it. After what Dagon just said, they'll most likely interpret it as more evidence that he truly is the Chosen One… Anakin reborn, the one destined to bring balance to the Force, successfully this time…
He is. But not in the way they think.
He walks slowly to a large window in a remote area of the command center and looks out into the dark expanse of space. Silently, Mei Ren comes to stand next to him.
"It's the girl, isn't it?" She finally asks. "Your forbidden love…? The Force-sensitive who slayed the Supreme Leader?"
For a moment, he stands unmoving. Then he nods curtly without looking at her.
He can feel her uncertainty… and jealousy. She continues to stand silently, digesting the information.
"The one you share a Force bond with?" She asks but she already knows the answer. "That could be… useful," she says tentatively, cocking her head.
"It already has been," Kylo says dismissively. "It's how I know the Resistance is in possession of the Crystal of Aantonaii."
Mei's eyes widen in disbelief. "Now!?" She hisses. "We must retrieve it immediately!"
"We will," Kylo Ren assures her. "We will."
She looks at him with doubt for a moment. She almost says something, but thinks better of it when he turns to glower at her. She bows dutifully and walks away.
He turns back to the window.
This morning was a victory.
Dagon knows. About Rey. But not about his plans. And that was the more important truth to conceal.
He feels self-satisfied… but still restless. Always restless. Longing aches, eats at him interminably… he's learned to live with it. Like a chronic injury.
The unwanted thoughts creep around the edges of his mind again… this time he allows them seep in.
She was so broken… so afraid. Sobbing on the dirty floor of a cave deep in some abandoned planet. He plays the scene over in his mind again. Her begging him to leave. Him watching her… feeling her pain, so cold and lonely and terrified of dying an inconsequential death. Sitting down next to her. Pulling her to him, almost without thinking, knowing instinctively that he could through their Force bond. Feeling her small, trembling body against him as she buried her face in his chest.
She fit perfectly. Like she was made for him.
Feeling her breath slow and even as she let herself melt into him, opening herself completely to the Force bond. She lost herself in it… content to submit to the security of a second heartbeat… to hear it thrumming reassuringly right next to her ear, to feel it pulsing peacefully inside of her.
She wants so much not to be lonely, to belong to someone. He would so gladly give that to her if she'd let him.
Thinking back, he still can't believe she let herself give in as long as she did… this girl who's tried to kill him twice. She let herself be so vulnerable with him, as though she trusted him completely... Slender body relaxing against his, soft hair tickling his lips, his hand gently sliding down the side of her body, stopping at the curve of her hip, gripping her gently as he draws her closer…
Kylo Ren sits down and turns inwards, away from the nearby operators. Sometimes he does miss wearing a mask.
If she had only said yes. They could both have what they want right now, if not for her stubbornness and her ignorance about the true nature of the Force. But he knows she is not open to considering his perspective… not after what she's seen him do.
Lately, he lies awake at night, imagining alternate futures where she took his hand. Infinite futures, stretching out like possibilities before him… just out of reach.
He sighs heavily. They are so close—his Knights of Ren. So close to obtaining everything they need to complete the ritual.
The weight of responsibility hangs heavy over him. He will finish what his grandfather started. He will truly bring balance to the Force…
Doubt, a familiar enemy, interrupts his thoughts. His body tightens in anger at himself. For a moment, he focuses on his rage. It helps to banish the fear.
Suddenly, he gets up and strides swiftly to the head of the command center. He has a new course to set. An artifact to retrieve.
He will fulfill his destiny.
He just wishes he didn't have to do it alone.
