The W.E.A.S.E.L Handbook
W.E.A.S.E.L. is copyrighted and is not a real organization. Everything you are about to read is fiction. Reading Itachi's Bad Day [by the same author] is advised to come before you read this handbook.
Hello. I speak here in place of Liz Garrett, the official W.E.A.S.E.L. president. In case you're wondering, W.E.A.S.E.L. stands for 'Wanton Elites Association for Sharingan Lovers,' which was shortened to W.E.A.S.E.L. in honor of our favorite Sharingan-ed friend. Our motto is 'Itachi Uchiha; to have and to hold.'
The Association was founded a while back by Liz Garrett herself. We currently have over 10,000 members worldwide. As the club, we have approximately two hundred different branches of W.E.A.S.E.L. that work under Ms. Garrett in different towns and cities across the globe. This club is dedicated solely to Itachi Uchiha, although a rare few others are included in conversation, usually to compare them in passing.
Our regular club meetings are every Saturday at three o' clock exactly. There, we eat Sharingan cookies and play the game 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' (please keep in mind that we are not held responsible for any injuries you may or may not sustain while playing this high-risk game. Intended for ages 14 and up). To be a member, you must be female and between the ages of 14 and 20. Liz Garrett is currently the only member who has ever been face-to-face with Itachi Uchiha and survived while 100% conscious.
This handbook is basically a little information about our organization. If you would like to learn more, you can find more information under this author, anything with W.E.A.S.E.L in the title. Feel free to read other stories about this author as well. Included below is a list of rules to follow when talking to or getting involved in a/some member(s) of W.E.A.S.E.L.:
1. Firstly, 'Wanton' (unrestrained or frolicsome) does not mean the same thing as 'Wonton' (Chinese dumpling). This is a common misconception. We would never put something Chinese in something having to do with Itachi Uchiha, who is Japanese. If you can't keep the two straight, I suggest you not join. Punishment for referring to Itachi Uchiha as Chinese includes purposeful tripping in hallways, shunning by members of higher social status, and possible vengeful murder in your sleep.
2. Despite what W.E.A.S.E.L. looks like, we are not crazed fan girls. Do not refer to us as crazed fan girls. Punishment for referring to us as crazed fan girls includes writing lines, the stocks, and a planned but not yet completed Japanese-style Iron Maiden.
3. Please keep in mind that faking your age to enter the Association does not make you a legal member. If you are twelve and say that you are twenty, we will know. We're not stupid. If you are still interested in joining, you must first swear loyalty to Itachi Uchiha and become our slave. New members are required to wear 'I Love Itachi Uchiha' shirts for the first three weeks of their membership. Whenever the name 'Itachi' is heard, the words 'he shall reign supreme' shall follow. No exceptions.
4. No, none of us have the Sharingan. None of us reside in the world of Naruto. We only have Sharingan eyes because we paid for the contact lenses over the internet. The cost is $200 a pair, and you can receive your own pair through the club treasurer. Please keep in mind that the pair of Sharingan contact lenses offers no added vision powers. Do not attempt to save the world while wearing. We also sell Sharingan nose piercings and Itachi dangly earrings, as well as hand-painted Itachi Uchiha triptychs that depict Itachi reigning supreme. They can be customized for an added hundred dollars to include you reigning at his side as queen.
5. You are required to donate at least 20% of your allowance to the club funds. The funds go to the icing for the weekly Sharingan cookies. If you get a Mangekyo Sharingan (sometimes referred to as 'Itachi') cookie, it is said that you will have good luck. This is not necessarily true, and jumping out of airplanes without parachutes afterward is ill-advised.
6. Itachi Uchiha plush toys are available through the club treasurer as well. Please note; the average lifespan of the Itachi Plushy held by a W.E.A.S.E.L. member is three days. The face tends to fall off after the first day and can be sewn back on for an added fee. Average lifespan for non-members is seventeen years.
7. I personally suggest that you lie low when Itachi appears to give a talk for the Association. New members have occasionally inadvertently been trampled and had to be hospitalized for some time afterward.
8. Punishment of death with be incurred on any who do the following to Itachi Uchiha: spit on, slap, ignore, step on, refer to as 'weasel man,' dress as a shepherdess, dress as a sheep, be alone with, speak English around, give ear-splitting shrieks around, swoon into his arms unless accompanied by at least four other members swooning simultaneously, watch romantic movie with, play 'Keep Away' with his ninja tools, steal his Daffy Duck socks, steal his Marvin the Martian socks. Please keep in mind that any of these done to Itachi Uchiha will result in immediate termination.
9. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Legos.
10. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to ANY video game, NO exceptions.
11. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Jennifer Lopez, even if you do know her personally. Introducing Itachi Uchiha to Jennifer Lopez will result in your immediate termination.
12. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Steven Tyler, AC/DC, or Elvis Presley. Introducing Itachi Uchiha to any of the above stated will result in your immediate termination.
13. You are not allowed to push Itachi Uchiha off of the Golden Gate Bridge so that you can jump in after him and save him from drowning. Itachi Uchiha can swim. You cannot. Jumping in yourself to be saved by Itachi Uchiha is ill-advised; Itachi Uchiha has been known to let W.E.A.S.E.L. members be seriously injured from their own antics in front of him.
14. Itachi Uchiha does not allow any loitering or littering after nine o' clock on any weekday. No exceptions.
15. Most of the members already know that Itachi Uchiha is using them. They are allowing it of their own free will and will not be questioned. Those questioning fellow members on their sanity risk immediate termination.
16. Itachi Uchiha is a sociopath and crazy – no exceptions.
17. When Itachi Uchiha is in bed with a cold, you are not allowed to climb into bed with him under the pretense of sharing body heat. This is strictly forbidden. NO exceptions under ANY circumstances.
18. Itachi Uchiha has not been, is not, and will never be gay. Do not even suggest the 0.08% possibility that he is or you will risk immediate termination.
Note: Thank you for reading this handbook. I hope you enjoyed the information it provided. If you have read the handbook from beginning to end and still want to join, there is a good chance you should take it up with your psychiatrist. Talking to anyone about the information in this handbook is strictly forbidden and may cause immediate termination. No exceptions.
W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook Continuation
Once you have successfully joined W.E.A.S.E.L., there are some things you must go over. The basic customs of W.E.A.S.E.L. – which you should know by now – as well as rules can be found in the W.E.A.S.E.L. handbook listed above. Of course, the handbook won't tell you everything. After having joined W.E.A.S.E.L., congratulations, you are a member. We don't wear foil hats and always carry around telescopes, we don't mess around with insides, and we don't experiment with things that blow up.
Except maybe our hearts.
Anyway, there are a few rules, a bit about our history, and other information that must be laid down to begin with. A longer, more-detailed list will be as follows. Once you have read the entire list, I suggest you practice so that when you finally meet Itachi Uchiha (because everyone gets a turn at some point) you know proper etiquette.
1. When meeting Itachi Uchiha for the first time, introduce yourself as his biggest fan so as to not draw attention to yourself. Offer to get him his coffee. When he says, 'I do not drink coffee,' immediately reply, 'neither do I' – this is your first conversation.
2. If you were lying and you really do drink coffee, now you don't. Basically, everything you say around Itachi Uchiha will become reality. Therefore, when you need the bathroom, simply excuse yourself. We don't need to know why. Firstly, you're a teenager in the 21st Century – we know you're not powdering your nose, so stop making a fool of yourself by using that as an excuse. Second, 'I need to pee' is not proper etiquette and is not something anyone wants to hear, especially not Itachi Uchiha.
3. The telescope is for second-year members to see when he is coming and plan ahead. First-year members only get a pair of sunglasses.
4. The sunglasses, in case you're wondering, are not to protect you from Itachi Uchiha's Sharingan. Itachi Uchiha's Mangekyo Sharingan is the only private place you have. This does not mean you can do whatever you'd like. No exceptions.
5. Itachi Uchiha does not want to attend your beach party. He has been offered the exact same thing by 2,971 members. The only birthday party he has ever attended was his own, and after someone popped out of his cake and gave him a heart attack, he even stopped attending his own.
6. In case you're wondering, the person who popped out of his cake was immediately bound, gagged, and thrown into the river. This will happen to you if you attempt to make a name for yourself. Popping out of Itachi Uchiha's cake is strictly forbidden, unless you are a cockroach.
7. Dressing as a cockroach does not make you a cockroach and therefore does not give you the right to hide in Itachi Uchiha's cake.
8. Neither does dressing as a rat.
9. If you have heard of the twins who hid in his cake, you might think that all you need to do is get someone who looks like you to join you. The twins were both thrown into the Japanese-style Iron (Geisha) Maiden (See W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook #3) which was recently built and christened by Itachi Uchiha himself, who hit it with a bottle of sake and said, and I quote, "this will be a lot of fun."
10. Itachi Uchiha was right.
11. Itachi Uchiha is always right.
12. As a matter of fact, Itachi Uchiha is never wrong, except for the one time when – do I dare say it? – he asked if Elizabeth Garrett (president and founder of W.E.A.S.E.L., the only one ever to have met Itachi Uchiha face-to-face and remained 100% conscious) was wearing pink nail polish or if it was natural. It was actually 'Party Pop Fuchsia' colored. We have never told him and don't plan to.
13. Water balloons painted like Sasuke's backside are not amusing. Sasuke has never 'mooned' his older brother and doesn't plan to. We have both brothers' signed statements to prove it.
14. The signed statements are under lock and key and guarded by a tiger in the underground military bunker known as F.E.R.R.E.T. Please do not attempt to steal those statements so that you can forge Itachi Uchiha's handwriting. It's in Japanese anyway – you won't be able to read it.
15. The handwritten signs that Itachi Uchiha has recently been giving to first years to wear on their shirts is not necessary. In fact, only when someone dared look up the characters did we realize that the first years have been wearing Japanese 'Kick Me' signs for a year. Itachi Uchiha has a sick sense of humor. Do not ask for his autograph.
16. Do not ask for his autograph on any part of your body.
17. Itachi Uchiha's sick sense of humor has been considered attractive by most third years – until they realized that their own proudly-worn signs said the Japanese version of 'Suckers.' The third years were remarkably cool about all this as they filed into the girl's bathroom to remove the signs discreetly.
18. When Itachi Uchiha has a cold, he doesn't want chicken soup. We know this because Itachi Uchiha has stated that he received over 1,500 recipes the last time alone, not to mention three crates of tissue boxes. He has not told us what he does want, and invites us to surprise him.
19. The whole octopus sent by a certain second year member during the course of his last cold was not funny. Even more so when Itachi Uchiha actually did eat it.
20. In case you're wondering, the statue of Itachi Uchiha in Elizabeth Garrett's basement is carved out of tofu. This is both so that the rats won't touch it and so that the other W.E.A.S.E.L. members won't kiss it. The only person who ever did taste it was Itachi Uchiha at its unveiling, when he proclaimed it to be satisfactory if a bit salty.
21. Some people laugh at everything he says. This is to lighten the mood. It is unadvisable when Itachi Uchiha says something along the lines of, 'I am in a bad mood.'
22. The best thing to do when Itachi Uchiha is in a bad mood is to take a plane to somewhere very, very far away. If he follows you, dress as a duckling – scientists have proven that it is a psychological response. No one can hurt a duckling.
23. If you do not happen to have a duckling costume on you, it would probably be a good idea to say your prayers, lie on the ground, and play dead. The most Itachi Uchiha would do upon coming upon a dead person is step on it on his way to wherever he is going. This may be painful.
24. Itachi Uchiha works under an interesting though sadly true philosophy – dead men tell no tails. This is also in the case of crazed fan girls; in other words, anyone not W.E.A.S.E.L. We do not give away Itachi Uchiha's secrets under any circumstances. I, for instance, shall never tell anyone of the sad occasion involving Itachi Uchiha, two 10,000-gallon drums of sour cream, and a fishhook.
25. There have, though indeed sad, been occasions where Itachi Uchiha has made mistakes in our world. Everything he does wrong we shall do immediately afterward. This includes the time when somehow, within ten minutes, one extraordinarily cute anime character and 17 W.E.A.S.E.L. members all ended up walking into the entrance of a sausage factory. The only one that did not throw up upon exiting was the single extraordinarily cute anime character, who some people said looked rather self-satisfied.
26. The picture of Itachi Uchiha in a pink 'Kiss the Cook' apron which our president forced him to wear while baking cookies is guarded by the same tiger in the same place as the signed documents stating that Sasuke Uchiha has never mooned his older brother. F.E.R.R.E.T. cannot be broken into by ordinary means. We know this because quite a few members have tried to see that picture using items up to and including a bicycle pump, three liters of seltzer water, a romance novel, a pizza, and a Mets baseball cap.
27. They failed, just like everybody else.
28. Allow me to correct myself. One person had succeeded in getting past the tiger using three filet mignons and a case of Budweiser. Once the tiger collapsed, the member snuck past and entered the room. There, she was immediately taken in by eight rabid weasels. Oddly enough, no one considered that there would be a second gate.
29. Or a third. Or a fourth.
30. Itachi Uchiha – despite common belief – is not romantically involved with anyone. We refuse to believe that last Monday's dinner with the Kurenai, a Jonin from the Village Hidden in Leaves, meant anything serious. The fact that he brought along flowers only means that he is a sentimental person who likes flowers.
31. This does not mean you have a chance.
32. I have only just realized how bad it sounded when I said that Itachi Uchiha is a sentimental person who likes flowers. I meant to say 'Itachi Uchiha is an egotistical person who likes power.' I am not simply saying this because Itachi Uchiha has just entered the room.
33. Itachi Uchiha is amazing, handsome, powerful, and the best ninja in the world. I am not saying this because he is looking over my shoulder.
34. Itachi Uchiha, as a matter of fact, is my favorite character ever. He is never, ever wrong, and he is smarter than Shikamaru. And… um… stronger than… er… Pein. I am not saying this just because he is holding a kunai knife over my head.
35. …
36. …
37. Thank heavens, he's gone. I couldn't think of any more of his good qualities to… I mean, I could think of some, but I have a feeling I would be very quickly swarmed by certain people asking me certain questions to which I have no answer to. Such as 'what did Itachi Uchiha's lips feel like.' I'm not joking. Who could answer that?
38. I am not saying that I have ever kissed Itachi Uchiha personally. …Okay, it was in a broom closet. I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. He was way too close for comfort. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
39. I apologize. I am really not sorry for kissing Itachi Uchiha. I do, however, have the scars to prove it. Do not attempt this at home.
40. I think… maybe… I'd better stop here, while I'm ahead. Sorry.
Hopefully this information helped you. In the future, when meeting Itachi Uchiha for the first time, this information will prove helpful, I believe. Of course, if you were scared off by… wait, where are you going? Come back! I haven't even told you about the punishment list yet! Stop, will you? It's only three scrolls long…!
