See chapter 1 for headers
CHAPTER TWO
Penny knocked on the door of her neighbors across the door only to be greeted by Leonard opening the door. "What are you doing here?" Penny asked, sincerely shocked.
"Penny, in the last four years, I'm sure you've manage to figure out that I live here," Leonard retorted.
"I know that, Leonard. But what are you doing here? Doesn't Priya leave for the airport this morning?"
"Yeah, but I wanted to see Amy and Sheldon off first. If that's okay with you."
"Knock yourself out," she said, walking past him and over to Amy. Penny handed her some sunglasses. "You left these at my house yesterday," she explained.
"How serendipitous! " Sheldon cried. "She was just looking for those." He scanned the list on his clipboard. "And with that, Amy, I believe your packing is complete." He glanced at his watch. "With only 90 minutes left until our choo-choo chugs towards Chula Vista, we best be on our way."
Amy smiled. "Nice use of alliteration Sheldon," she said.
"I thought so," he replied. The two picked up their respective suitcases and headed for the door.
"Aren't you gonna help Amy with her luggage, Sheldon?" Penny suggested.
"I am quite capable of carrying it on my own," Amy said. Penny cleared her throat loudly, her eyes widening, as she shot Amy a look of aggravation. "Ah," Amy rebounded. "But, I wouldn't mind the help."
Sheldon looked at her with some surprise. "I've seen you carry loads of equitable size before, but… if you insist." He then picked up her bag and walked out of the door. Penny gave Amy a thumbs-up, and Amy smiled as she followed behind him.
The door shut.
"Oh, the sexual tension between those two is overwhelming," Leonard said sarcastically. Penny was not amused.
"Shut up," she said, and made her way to the door.
"Wait, Penny," Leonard called behind her. She paused, but didn't turn around.
"What?"
"I… I don't want us arguing."
"We're not arguing," she countered, then opened the door.
"But we aren't how we used to be either," he said. "And we haven't been for a long time."
Penny sighed, then faced Leonard, shaking her head. "That's not just my fault," she said.
"I didn't say it was," he replied. She didn't reply, and Leonard started to retreat a little. "Fine, if you're happy the way everything is—"
"I'm not happy like this Leonard," she said. She dropped her hand from the door and then covered her face. "But I-," she stopped, frustrated. "I don't know how to go back to the beginning."
Leonard drew nearer and shut the door. "Well, you can start by forgiving me."
Penny smiled some and shook her head. "You didn't do anything, really. It's just…"
"It's just what?" Leonard asked.
"Nothing," she said.
The two stood awkwardly for several moments, finally looking away when the silence became too much. Leonard's phone rang.
"Priya," he answered, attempting to be cheerful. "Yeah… of course I haven't forgotten you. I was just leaving," he said.
Penny backed away silently, opened the door, and left.
Sheldon and Amy settled down into their seats. This was the last chance of the day to catch a talk, and Amy had picked one that dealt with a topic in her field. The room fell silent and the speaker stepped out.
"Oh my God," Amy gasped.
Sheldon looked up from his program and saw the young man in question standing at the podium.
"Hello all," the speaker began. "I'm Dr. Corey Stiller with the Southern California State University, and the theme of my talk is—"
Sheldon leaned over. "Is he a friend of yours?" he asked.
"Hardly," Amy replied. "In fact, we are rapidly becoming sworn enemies."
Sheldon clapped his hands in delight at this news. "A nemesis! Well done Amy Farrah Fowler," he said. "All the great ones have one. Spiderman has the Green Goblin, Batman has the Joker, The Flash has Zoom, and I have…," – his voice dropped to a low rumble – "Will Wheaton."
"Well," Amy moaned, "I wish I could share your enthusiasm, but I've found my 'nemesis' to be little more than a personal nuisance and a parasite on my research."
"In what way?" Sheldon asked with furrowed brow.
"Well, Corey's research department has long been at the proverbial 'shallow end' of the scientific community pool. However, a recent head to head battle between he and I for a grant from the National Science Foundation turned our mutual indifference into a mounting rivalry."
"Who won the grant?" Sheldon asked. Amy glared at him over her glasses. "My apologies," he said.
"Ever since," she continued, "he has spent as much time foolishly trying to disprove my research as he has spent maligning my name among our colleagues."
"Nemesis indeed," Sheldon growled. Just then, Amy's phone rang. She excused herself and stepped out of the room to answer it.
"Amy," she answered.
"So," Penny purred. "How is everything going?"
"Delightful. There's a delegation of researchers here from Germany that are making amazing strides in the field of neural mapping."
"No, I mean, how's it going with Sheldon?" Penny clarified.
"Oh, Sheldon's doing quite well also. In spite of himself, he's become fascinated with a symposium on the brain of gamers."
"Um, sweetie," Penny began, taking a deep breath. "Let's clear something up here. If I ask you anything else about this conference, I only want to know about one thing: you, Sheldon and, uh…" she cleared her throat.
"OH!," Amy exclaimed with recognition. "You're referring to Operation Penetration."
Penny groaned. "Is that what we're calling it?"
"The title is taken from the typical nomenclature used in military actions while alluding to the mechanical aspect of the mission. Also, 'penetration' and 'operation' rhyme. I thought it was rather clever myself."
Penny kept going. "Just… how is it going?"
"Well, early results are mixed," Amy explained. "He was riveted during the talk 'Sex On the Brain,' and in a bathroom sharing incident in our hotel room, I managed to devise that Sheldon packed his Justin League undies." She leaned into the phone, cupping the receiver. "Penny, he's in Superman mode."
"That sounds… great," Penny said. "So why did you say the results are mixed?"
"Well, because when I asked him about intellectuals procreating, he once again mentioned the role of surrogates in 'elevating the intelligence of humanity.' Even making mention of Einstein did nothing to stir his loins."
"Ugh," Penny moaned. "Did you bring it back to sex?"
"Yeah. When I talked about people procreating 'the old-fashioned way', he said that having a baby 'the old-fashioned way' was as archaic as using a slide rule to solve differential equations."
"Using a what to what?" Penny asked, lost.
"Basically, he ridiculed the idea."
"Gosh," Penny said. Then she had an idea. "Listen Amy. For all his jibber jabber and highfalutin words, Sheldon is still a man. Here's what you do: When you get back to the hotel, offer to run him a bath. No man can resist a bath. When he comes out – all toasty and relaxed – already be sitting on his bed, but with a robe on. Underneath the robe – and here's the good part – have on one of those skimpy negligees I snuck your luggage."
"Negligee?" Amy gasped. "Is that what that garment is? I nearly reported it to the Department of Homeland Security as suspicious items in my luggage until I realized that we would be traveling by train."
"Good God woman," Penny blurted. "Are you sure you went to college?"
"I did indeed. For nine years."
Penny sighed at that. "The point is, when he sits down, you open the bathrobe, revealing your hand-wrapped goods. Then, shoot him that look that says, 'Take me NOW.'"
"I'm not sure I have that look," Amy said flatly.
"Never mind the look, then. Trust me, he won't be looking at your face anyway. From there, Biology will take over. It'll put a whole new spin on monkey business."
"Considering the work I've done with primates, that should be quite a spectacle indeed."
"Just," Penny sighed, "just do what I said, OK? We'll talk tomorrow?"
"OK. Later bestie," Amy chirped.
"Bye sweetie."
When Amy returned to the room, she found Sheldon standing at his seat while pelting her "nemesis" with questions.
"So if you freely admit that we don't yet know what the neuronal basis of subjective experience is—much less that of cognition and conscious attention—how can you assert that the physical processes defined in Dr. Fowler's paper, which you so vehemently attack, are incongruous with quantum coherence?"
"Sheldon!" she called to him, hurrying to their seats. "What are you doing?"
"Asking a question," Sheldon replied. "And a very simple one at that."
"You're with her?" Corey spat from the podium.
"Indeed I am," Sheldon replied.
"I should have known you were one of her cronies from the minute you launched into your unfounded accusations."
"The only thing 'unfounded'," Sheldon shot back, "is your quote-unquote 'research.' And it's highly derivative research at that, I might add."
Amy grabbed Sheldon's arm pulling him down into his seat.
"What was that for?" he asked, perturbed.
"Don't waste another moment of activity in your prefrontal cortex on that man," she admonished. "This battle is political, not scientific, and you can't win this one."
Sheldon crossed his arm sharply, shaking his head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk," he clucked. "I must I applaud you, Amy, for your ability to work in the two-bit gossip shop that is Neurobiology."
"Um, if that's it from the peanut gallery," Corey announced, "does anyone else have a question of actual scientific merit?"
Sheldon nearly blurted a retort when Amy placed a hand over his mouth.
"Save it for tomorrow's talk on 'Synapses and Legos.'"
Sheldon reluctantly abated, crossing his arms. "Very well then," he said. "We might as well leave."
The two rose and left the room, ultimately walking in silence down the hall.
"How did that get so out of hand?" she asked after a while.
"Because his actions were completely uncalled for and, quite frankly," he said, shooting one final dagger in direction from which they'd come, "an insult to you."
Amy smiled a little.
"While I don't need defending… thank you," she said. Then she thought of something. "You want to just go back to the hotel room and relax?" she offered.
Sheldon considered this for a minute. "In fact, I would," he said, and off they went.
Amy was in the bathroom detangling her hair as Sheldon chatted through the bathroom door. He was reclining on his bed, deeply perplexed.
"While I'm no stranger to the merits of color theory," he stated, "I still don't understand why anyone would dye a monkey pink."
"It was an all-girls university," Amy called through the door. "Things like that happen more often than you would think." She walked out. "You're up next," she said.
Sheldon was confused at this. "Amy, you know it's my custom to shower in the morning."
"Normally, yes. But a heightened emotional state – as you experienced this afternoon – can lead to excess perspiration and increased microbial activity on the skin's surface."
Sheldon was struck with realization. "Which leads to body odor," he concluded. He sniffed his underarms. "Good God; at this point, I'm a veritable compost pile. I better get that shower going," he said and headed to the bathroom.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Amy went into a frenzy, changing hurriedly into the negligee that Penny had provided, while quickly covering herself with a robe. Then, she perched herself on the foot of Sheldon's bed. It was short time before Sheldon walked out, damp and donning his pajamas.
"That was refreshing indeed," he said, scrubbing his hair with a towel. Then he stopped. "Amy," he asked, "why are you on my bed?"
"Better perspective of the room and favorable proximity to the air conditioning," she replied. "Something like your spot, but in a hotel setting."
Sheldon thought on this for a moment. "Very well then. I understand the comforts of ideal seating. Although, I hope that this does not extend into the night, as my bedtime is only," he looked at him alarm clock, "twelve minutes away."
"So soon?" Amy said, her tone changing. "I was thinking we could… have a little fun."
"You've read my mind," Sheldon said eagerly, taking a seat beside her. "I was thinking that we could map out which presentations we will attend tomorrow, paying special attention to ones given by undergrads." He smiled to himself. "I love good comedy."
"Or," Amy said, drawing closer. "We could conduct an experiment of our own."
Sheldon shrugged. "I'm never opposed to an experiment; although I'm at a loss as to what kind we could conduct in this hotel room. Our materials are limited to coffee maker supplies and various soaps."
"And our bodies," Amy purred.
Sheldon, for the first time, began to become suspicious.
"While I'm not categorically opposed to animal testing, I hesitate to use my body in any scientific capacity."
"How about in a… carnal capacity?' she said. She whipped open her bathrobe. Sheldon took a look at her sleepwear and visibly recoiled.
"Amy, what's gotten into you?" he shrieked, inching backwards.
"I've got a fever Sheldon," she said, drawing ever closer.
"Then we should call a doctor at once," he replied, continuing to move backwards, but Amy pressed onward.
"I don't need no doctor for what's ailing me," she quipped. By this point, Sheldon was pressed against the headboard, cowering in horror. Amy, undeterred, tossed the bathrobe to the side and leaned over Sheldon. "How about some sugar, sweetie?" she said, before puckering her lips and closing her eyes, eagerly awaiting a kiss.
"What do you think you are doing Amy?" he cried.
"Giving you a look that says 'Take me now,'" she answered.
Sheldon scrambled under her, frantically trying to get loose, but she stopped him at every turn. When he went to his left, she dotted to her right and all efforts to slip away were efficiently blocked. The more he wriggled the harder she pinned him, until their lips were a mere inches apart. After several futile attempts at escape, Sheldon, in panic, placed his hand against her forehead.
"In the name of Jesus, come out of her!" he yelled. The action snapped Amy from her lustful trance. She scrambled to the foot of the bed—stunned. "Huh," Sheldon said, pleasantly surprised. "What do you know? It worked."
"What… what was that?" Amy asked, startled.
"A question that I was, coincidentally, on the brink of asking you," Sheldon replied. He had returned to his former state of calm and unwrapped a mint on his nightstand.
"Sheldon I was…," and she paused. For the first time since she'd been sitting eating rocky road ice-cream in Penny's apartment, she realized what should have been clear from the start. This was…
This was a bad idea. She hopped off the bed, snatching her bathrobe as she went, and jogged to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
Moments later, she heard… well, this:
Knock, know, knock. "Amy?" Knock, know, knock. "Amy?" Knock, know, knock. "Amy?"
"What Sheldon?" she called.
"It appears that my decision to drink a glass of water after seven o'clock was ill-advised, and my bladder is now exacting its bedtime revenge. Would you mind suspending any evening beauty ritual you may be engaging in to allow me to relieve myself?"
"GO AWAY, Sheldon!" she yelled.
He was… surprised.
"Excuse me?"
"Go away, OK?" she repeated, to Sheldon's further consternation.
"How can you expect me to go away? To where am I going to go? This is my hotel room, as well as my bathroom, and – at the risk of sounding juvenile – this is an emergency."
"I don't care, Sheldon," Amy replied. "Just… go away." Her voice was breaking.
As he pondered what course of action to take next, he suddenly heard sniffles coming through the door.
"Amy?" he asked. "Are you… crying?"
There was a long pause.
"Yes."
"Well, that's curious indeed," Sheldon said. "Crying is generally the body's response to some ophthalmic aberration. Allow me ask you: is there some foreign body in your eye?"
"No," Amy answered.
"Are you having an allergic reaction of some sort?"
"No."
"Are you suffering from a sudden onset of conjunctivitis?"
"No, Sheldon," she said. There was the loud sound of her blowing her nose.
"Then quite frankly," Sheldon continued, "I've exhausted my theories. But if you come out of the bathroom, we might be able to create a diagram mapping out the surrounding symptoms and isolate a diagnosis."
Amy sighed.
"I'm crying Sheldon," she explained, "because I am embarrassed."
Sheldon, for the millionth time that night, was truly shocked. "Embarrassed? Well how could you possibly be embarrassed? Embarrassment requires that one do something imprudent in the company of at least one other person, but you have been sitting by yourself in the bathr—" He stopped. "Amy, if this has anything to do with the exorcism, I assure you that, for all my mother's boasts about the success of the procedure, I've never observed one that did anything more than make a lot of noise and waste a shocking amount of good vegetable oil."
The door swung open to reveal Amy – red-nosed and crest-fallen.
"Sheldon," she began, "I am embarrassed because I was foolishly hoping that I could entice you to have sex with me tonight."
Sheldon stood motionless, his eyes dropping as he apparently fell into deep thought. After a moment, his eyes met Amy's. His voice was uncharacteristically soft as he spoke.
"Why would you want to do that?"
And in that moment, Amy realized that despite all the ways that she and Sheldon were alike, there was one major area where they were different. Because for all her nerdy, cerebral ways, if you took away the glasses and sweater vests, she was still just a 16-year-old Math Club president in bobby socks who had never been kissed. But, as she stared at the physicist standing in front of her, she realized that she could peel away every layer from Sheldon until all that was left were his Green Lantern briefs, and – still – all she would find were…
More superheroes, magic swords and monopoles.
The realization dried her tears… and might have broken her heart.
"Goodnight Sheldon," she said and, rising to her tiptoe, kissed him on the forehead.
"Goodnight Amy," he replied. She slid into bed as he walked into the bathroom, finally falling asleep to the sound of him washing his hands.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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