"The Former Life of Stan" - Chapter Two

The Elephant exhibit at the South Park Zoo was rather well-built: a short fence, some bushes with an information sign, a deep moat, and then an artificial desert landscape. A pair of African bush elephants stood, eating grasses. Stan knew one of those elephants used to belong to Kyle but he couldn't tell them apart - they looked like two gigantic turds. He sighed - the one thing he thought he had left and even animals had become nothing but shit to him. He felt so isolated - his eyes were opened to the real world and nobody else seemed to notice. A pigeon landed next to him but as Stan refocused his eyes to get a better look, it seemed to turn into a turd before his very eyes.

"Stan." Randy approached, him and Stuart have sobered up in their time at the zoo so far and instead having bought too much cotton candy for two grown men in their forties to consume, agreeing cotton candy was a far better addiction than alcohol. Stuart waited at the bench while Randy spoke, "Look we have to go soon - we have time for one more exhibit but then we better go home." Randy said, but then perked up, "You're having fun though, right?" Despite Randy's childishness and selfish quest to be young, he seemed to genuinely care about his son and his happiness.

"Uhh, how about the Small Mammal House?" Stan asked hopefully, mentally praying at least one thing he sees doesn't look shitty. Randy put a hand on his son's shoulder and tried to put on a smile, feeling bad for Stan. Usually when they went to the zoo Stan was in a great mood, happy and peppy and insisting on seeing everything, but here he was sitting and looking bored and sad. He turned back to Stuart,

"Hey Stu, we're going to the Small Mammal House next!" he called. Stuart raised an eyebrow as he finished his cotton candy and stood up, straightening his back, "You coming with or just going to the car?" Stuart nodded and followed them - Stan knew the zoo's pathways by heart and quickly lead them to the Small Mammal House. He went to the first window and saw a pair of playful North American river otters in the water. Stan smiled for the first time it what felt like weeks when suddenly, before his eyes, the otters turned into slippery pieces of shit. He frowned and looked across to the large capybaras - again, he saw the creatures for a moment before they faded, giant moving shit in it's place.

"You okay, pal?" Randy asked, putting a hand on Stan's shoulder and getting on one of his knees so he could see his young son in the eye, "Look Stan, I know that since me and your mother split up it's been tough, but I'm still your father and I still want to be a part of your life..." he said quietly, "I know you might feel like since I'm not around you don't have to spend time with me anymore, but I still care about you and your sister."

"It's not you, dad." Stan avoided his father's look, putting his hands in his pockets, "Look, I went to the Doctor a week ago and it turns out..." Stan bit his lip. He shouldn't be telling his father - Randy was would probably just use this as an excuse to try to be a doctor for a week or something before returning to geology like nothing happened, and everything would reset just like mom said. But he was vulnerable and lonely, he had to tell someone the truth, "I have cynicism, dad."

"Awh shit, you have that?" Randy said with surprise and a hint of fear - clearly, Randy was familiar with his disorder, "I mean... how about we go over to the library and look up some information on this cynicism? Maybe there's a cure or some way to treat it, you know, like how they treat cancer patients with that stuff that makes their hair fall out."

"That's called chemotherapy, dad." Stan said with a sudden, almost intrusive, glare. He looked down, "What is wrong with me? I'm sorry, dad, you're right... let's just go home." Randy nodded understanding and got up, turning around to find his friend,

"Hey Stuart." Randy turned, "Stu?" he and Stan looked around,

"Over here!" Stuart waved over, body pressed against the glass, "Hey did you know there's these tiny red raccoons that people think are 'pandas'? This is the cutest goddamn thing I've ever seen." A family of extremely terrified Red Pandas were in the back corner of the exhibit, staring out Stuart in deep fear, "This is even better than that time we actually got to go to the movie theater to see Saw... which one was it...?"

"Awh no, don't say something like that, you'll trigger a random flashback!" Randy said with deep concern, hands on his hips, "Aren't we better than that here?"

"I dunno about you, but I sure as hell ain't." Stuart said, staring inside, "Do you think them 89 cents I found on the floor at that arcade is enough to buy a plush toy of these things? I bet my wife would love it. She likes cute stuff. I don't usually but goddamn these things are awesome."

"Come on Mr. McCormick, we have to get going to the library." Stan crossed his arms, "Besides, my dad can drive now, we'll drop you off at home."

"But I need to buy one of these pandas!"

"Okay, you know what? That does it!" Stan said angrily, pointing toward them first, "Screw you guys,.." he pointed toward the door, ."..I'm going to the library."

"...I'm not leaving until I get a furry animal Jesus." Stuart said, hugging the glass as a zookeeper came in and opened a hatch to take the poor creatures off display. Randy sighed and took out his wallet, opening it and skimming his money,

"All right fine, Stuart. How much... you think five dollars'll do it?

xXx

Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Craig, Token, Jimmy, Jason, Timmy, Kevin, Bebe, Red and Tweek all sat in the computer lab at the South Park Public Library, with twelve of the fourteen available seats filled just by the children playing their game. The thirteenth seat was filled by Officer Barbrady, "Aw I totally killed you, Token, you black asshole!" Cartman said loudly, "Never miss with a level fifty-four wizard!"

"Cartman, you can't be a wizard in space, that's stupid!" Craig called out with annoyance, flipping Cartman off. The obese nine-year-old looked back and flipped him off as well,

"You're the stupid one, Craig, you're a freakin' engineer. That's totally gay! Who the hell plays an engineer in a Science Fiction world?"

Craig thought for a moment, "James Doohan."

"Heheh, that's gay." Bill and Fosse walked by, giggling along, seemingly attached to usage of the word 'gay' in any situation, "Totally gay." Kevin got up from his computer,

"Don't you dare call James Doohan gay!" Kevin said, kicking Fosse in the balls. Fosse's eyes widened and he fell on the ground screaming out an endless stream of 'this is gay/that's gay/I'm gay' as Bill stared at his cousin with his hand over his mouth in shock. Kevin sat back down by Red and Jason.

"...Kevin godammit!" Cartman said, rolling his eyes as he returned to his game. "Bebe you goddamn whore of course you have 227 friends." he called toward the back of the lab as Tweek pulled out his hair and smashed his head into the keyboard, "Careful Tweek, do that too much and your head might explode."

"Oh God!" Tweek pulled his hair out, "I'm gonna die, man! I'm so gonna- AH, THEY GOT ME!" Tweek said, running away from his desk and screaming like he'd seen a ghost.

"Okay who killed Tweek? That wasn't cool!" Token said, looking around, "Hey, they got me, too! Guys, there's some kind of assassin running around, gotta be around level thirty... I'm down, too... it's Warcraft all over again."

"You boys are so pathetic, all just worried about some dumb ga- hey, they got me too!" Red pouted, Kevin putting a hand on her shoulder for comfort. Craig let out a groan as he died as well. "Aw, and they took all my EXP points! Now I have to start all over again!" Red added, her cousin flipping her off.

"Timmah!" Timmy said. banging on the keyboard in frustration, "Timmay livalaw Timmah!" Suddenly a nearby study room swiveled open and out walked the most dashing and handsome villain of all time, stepping in front of the computer lab,

"Greetings! I am Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and creator of doom, your feeble starships are no match for me and my minions!" he said with an evil grin as he was joined by his protege, General Disarray.

"So how did our evil plan go this week?" General Disarray asked.

Professor Chaos' sneer disappeared and his normal voice came back as he looked over towards his loyal sidekick, "Hey General Disarray, you're supposed to make a big ol' grand entrance in a minute, I didn't finish my big intro speech and get to you yet... aw hamburgers, who cares anymore? Now, uh, prepare for your doom, video game p-p-players, for my highly-paid assassin is taking you all down!"

Cartman raised an eyebrow, "Butters, no offense man but uh..." Cartman brought out his fist and sneered toward Butters, "Fuck you!"

Professor Chaos stepped toward the back row, "Oh yeah... Bebe, could you get Eric, too?"

"No problem. How much are you paying me again?" Bebe asked as she swiftly pressed the mouse button aimed and fired. Wordlessly, Cartman got up and tossed his headset on the floor. The others all looking around at her, "What, a girl can't be good at a video game? Sexist pigs."

"Bebe, I shoulda known it was you, the fucking assassin character has huge friggin' hooters and more cleavage than goddamn Lara Croft." Cartman said, before pointing to the rest of the computer lab, "Screw you guys..." he pointed toward the door, "I'm going home!"

"So is anyone ese still playing?" Clyde asked.

"Just you, Kenny, Jimmy, Bebe, Kevin, and m- nevermind, I'm out, too." Jason said, taking off his headset and leaving it, "Wow, what a disappointment..." he said, walking off sadly. Kevin angrily tossed his headset down and marched off. Jimmy said nothing, just sighing, taking his crutches and leaving. Kenny was the last man standing for several moments, trekking through the wilderness when his character was hit by lightening...

xXx

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny." Stan walked by the door through the library quietly and stopped for a moment, as if waiting for something. He then sighed, "You bastards." he said quietly with little emotion before he continued onwards toward the diseases section, his father behind him, "Dad, look for C, it should be under there, okay?" Stan said, hoping his father didn't find a way to humiliate them in a public library. Knowing Randy that was too much to ask.

"Stan, I don't see why we can't just see a real Doctor..." Randy crossed his arms with a little annoyance, looking away. Stan rolled his eyes,

"Dad, watching two episodes of House back-to-back is not seeing a real Doctor." Stan said going into an aisle, "And WebMD doesn't count either before you say anything. We know what disease I have, we just need to find a cure for it." he said, looking near the bottom, "Find something on cynicism." Stan said when he saw a red book with the word written on the side, picking it up and opening it. "Cynicism Through The Ages, by Robert T. Pooner..." Stan looked for the first page... "Famous cynics... Niccolo Machiavelli, Jonathan Swift... aw, dude, who would wanna eat babies? That's fucking disgusting!"

"Stanley, language!" Randy said angrily, arms crossed. He sighed and shook his head, "Sorry... look your mother called, I have to bring you home in fifteen minutes so grab your books and I'll drive you home."

"Awh but dad, we just got here!" Stan protested as he took the book under his arm. He was getting so sick of his parents pushing him around since the divorce. He was like a prize, being held hostage by mother or father solely to make the other feel miserable. His sister, meanwhile, got the more traditional treatment with both parents buying her things to win her over. If only they knew what a bitch she really was. "All right, let me read a little more and then we'll go to the register, mom's house is only like five minutes from here..." he mumbled as he read off the page: "The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly - any other: an arm, a leg, money, a wife, is sure to be noticed."

"...Stan, what are you reading? Is that existenti- existenti- exi- that weird bullshit?" Randy put his hands on his hips and took the book out of Stan's hands, "Cynicism is a disease of the brai- oh, it is a book on cynicism. Soren Kierkegaard... what kind of name is that?" Randy shrugged and tucked the book under his arm, "Look Stanley, I think I better bring you back to your mother, okay?"

"Okay, dad..." Stan sighed as they approached the desk to leave. The nice lady at the counter smiled, greeted them and took Stan's library card and the book, and scanned both. "Thank you." Stan said as she handed them back and they walked out toward the car.

xXx

Kyle was sitting at his computer typing up a new Terrance & Phillip fanfic when his door opened up and Cartman, Kenny and Clyde answered unannounced. He quickly saved, minimized the window and opened a game of solitaire. Suddenly his heard jerked to the side, "YOU BASTARDS!" he shook his head and got out of his computer chair, "Sorry, dunno what came over me... how are you guys?"

"Butters is being an ass and killed everyone at the library and my mom was busy with a friend or something so we came here with our laptops. That's okay, right Jew?" Cartman did not say any of this with the usual trademarked brand of venom reserved for Kyle and only Kyle. No, in fact, he said it in a playful tone.

"I guess it's okay." Kyle answered with a nod as they came in, Cartman quickly rooting himself on the bed and opening his Netbook, laying on his fat belly like a cushion. Clyde sat with his back to the bed's side, laptop in his lap as he logged on. Kenny sat his laptop on the floor but sat up as he used it, "You guys still playing that stupid space game?"

"Of course, dude. I just reached won a duel with... Marc3.. 1... 2... oh whatever, Marc a bunch of numbers... and then I unlocked a new side quest on Dantooine." Clyde said as he eagerly mashed the buttons to move forward in his game. Kenny was playing even more devilishly well.

"Dude, this is fucking awesome." Kenny said, getting up and cheering "I just found a new planet and I get to name it after me! Planet Kennya!"

"You named a planet Kennya? Dude, that's a great idea!" Clyde said.

"Yeah, Clyde's right, that's awesome! What a totally creative planet name!" Cartman said, without the dripping sarcasm one would normally associate him with, "Hey guys, could I borrow ten credits to rent a hovercraft?" he looked down toward Clyde and Kenny, "Just ten credits? Please?"

"I spent all my credits on this sweet bandolier." Clyde said, motioning to his character ingame, who looked like a purple alien with two stalks off his head and yellow eyes, wearing a brown-and-blue T-shirt with, yes, a bandolier on him. Cartman rolled his eyes and looked to Kyle for support,

"I wish dude, I don't really play MMPORG's besides Warcraft." Kyle answered as he got back up to his computer desk, opened up his internet browser and logged online. "I mean, don't get me wrong it sounds like fun, but sometimes it's hard enough to remember to check my Warcraft account, you know? None of you guys ever seems to log on, it's like everyone just moved on..."

"Sorry Kahl, I'll log on later and we'll kill some boars- aw, Clyde, your stupid girlfriend just shot me again! Fucking slut!" Cartman said angrily, looking incredulous anyone in the game would even think of shooting him, "Godammit, I need a chocolate gun..." he got up and went to leave for one.

"Don't call my girlfriend a slut, Cartman, or I'll kick your ass!" Clyde narrowed his eyes and balled his fists - the honor of his girlfriend was far more important than some video game. Cartman balled his fists and took a fighting stance as he glared,

"Eh! I'm a black belt in karate class Clyde! Believe me, I'll fuck you up! Back me up on this, Kahl! Tell Clyde I'm a black belt!" Cartman claimed as he held up his fists.

Kyle wasn't one to lie, but this was his best friend Cartman, he couldn't just let Cartman have his ass handed to him, could he? "Uhh... yeah, sure, Cartman's a black belt." Kyle lied, "We used to call him the Ass Master because he, uh, could kick all of our asses." Total lies. All three of them had, at some point, had Cartman beat. Wendy had even beat the shit out of him once.

"Guys, I just reached level fifty-four!" Kenny bragged suddenly, "I made the top ten highest level users on the leaderboards... at least for the United States." regardless, Kenny got up and cheered like he'd just won the lottery. Kyle shrugged, when suddenly there was a knock at his door. He got up and answered to see his mother Sheila, her arms crossed.

"Kyle, bubbe, there's another little girl at the front door to see you." Sheila explained, normally she'd be excited to know a girl was over to see Kyle but she had arms crossed and didn't seem too thrilled. This girl must have really not been her style for some reason. Kyle nodded, turning around,

"Guys, I'll be back in a bit." he nodded as he skipped downstairs to the front door to see Wendy, clutching a textbook and looking rather nervous as she stood at the doorstep, "Wendy, what the hell are you doing here now?"

"...Mrs. Broflovski, may I speak to Kyle alone?" Wendy asked. Sheila nodded and went into the kitchen. She sighed and turned, "Kyle, I don't know who else to turn to. It's just... I thought on the cruise me and Stan had really mended our relationship, you know? And now it seems he can't say a word to me unless he's telling me how shitty he thinks I am. You're his best friend, Kyle, you know how to fix things, right? I mean I know we're not totally best friends after that whole fiasco but please, I need your help."

"Dude, Wendy, fuck Stan." Kyle said, eyes narrow, How could she be so blind? It was as if her entire sense of self seemed to hang on Stan, Stan, Stan. What a stupid freakin' bitch. "He's become a selfish douchebag. Grow up and get over him already. Find someone new."

"Come on, Kyle, don't you believe in true love?" Wendy said with a frown, her brown eyes low. Kyle inhaled, then exhaled, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking her in the eyes,

"Wendy, you're fucking nine. You don't even have the hormones that scientifically cause us to feel 'love'. You're way too young to get this obsessive with a boy. Besides, the Stan you and I knew is gone, he's been replaced by an asshole who sees only shit. He's dead, Wendy. Find a hobby and get over it already. Let it go." Kyle shut the door.

After a few minutes and making sure Wendy didn't plan on coming back, Kyle went upstairs and found his toilet and sat upon the seat, preparing to expel waste, "...oh, took my love, and I took it down... climbed a-" There was a rather loud gaseous noise, and he let out a grunt as there was a loud plop, "Climbed a mountain and I-" Kyle heard a loud moan from his toilet, "...hello?" he said looking down, "...was that?"

xXx

The new "Marsh family" home was in the luxury division of South Park, not far from Token and Wendy. It was a large purple house with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a yard with a wrought-iron fence, a spacious kitchen, a family room, a den, a dining room, a large basement... Stan had been told by his mother when her parents found news of the divorce they gave her a rather generous of cash for the sake of the new house, As Randy pulled up in his car, he got out with his son and went to the front door. Sharon entered with a half-smile, "Hello Randy. Did you and Stan spend the afternoon together?" she asked.

"Yep." Randy smiled, hands on his hips, "I'll see you again in a few days, Stan, have fun with your mother." After admitting their problems and putting everything on the table, Sharon and Randy have maintained a friendly relationship since, and Stan had a fleeting feeling his father hoped for reconciliation, although he could tell his mother was done with him. "Sharon, can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Randy." she nodded, allowing Randy to enter the house with Stan, "Stan, why don't you go say 'hi' to your sister? She's been on her laptop all day iChatting with her boyfriend again. I'm getting worried about that girl, it's like all she cares about is her computer." she said. Stan rolled his eyes simply, not bothering to argue with Sharon about Shelley's online communication habits. Sharon sat down with Randy across from each other at the kitchen table, "I'm making some coffee..." she noted, "So Randy, how's the single life going?"

Randy avoided her gaze, clearly unhappy with himself, "Oh, it's going fantastic, you know, I'm already seeing someone new..." this was not a lie, yet it did not feel like the truth, "You know, uh, the nurse at Hell's Pass Hospital, Rita Goodly? I have her number."

"Oh, good luck!" Sharon gave a supportive smile, "I was seeing the school counselor Mr. Mackey but he, uh, he wasn't interested in anything long-term..." she sighed, getting up and pouring coffee into two mugs, passing one to her ex-husband. "I don't know if I should be so quick to rush back into dating... I mean I'm getting old, Randy. I just turned forty. I mean, look at you, you're two years older than me and you already have a few gray hairs."

"What!?" Randy shot up from the table, "Oh God, where is it? Please tell me it's not on my mustache! Please, Sharon, for all that is good and holy, please tell me my mustache is safe!" Randy said desperately, putting his hands on Sharon's shoulders. His ex-wife's eyes widened as she looked around,

"I... I... no they're near your left ear, I just..." Sharon covered her mouth, hoping no more spilled out, realizing she was setting Randy off. He looked at her, then dashed out the door as if he had to find some kind of important tool he had forgotten. Sharon got up and looked around.

xXx

"Hi Shelley." Stan said, hands in his pockets as he entered his sister's new purple room. Shelley got up from her computer and approached Stan, her blue eyes staring into his with deep hatred. Stan was ready to back away in fear when Shelley punched him in the cheek, knocking Stan back as he felt his teeth crunch against her knuckles, "Ow! Dammit!" Shelley swung another into his left eye, pushing him against the wall as he stared at her with the remaining good eye,

"Schtan!" she narrowed her eyes at him in anger, "What do you want, turd?" Indeed, all he saw was a giant, strong-armed turd.

"Shelley, what do you know about cynicism?" Shelley's eyes widened as she dropped Stan from the wall and looked at him as if seeing him in a new light, She put him down and the fists in her hands disappeared,

Shelley shook her head, "No Schtan, don't tell me you have schynishishm." she said, looking her brother in the eye, "You're jusht curioush? It'sh a joke, right Turdly McTurddington?"

"No, I was diagnosed the other day." Stan said, looking at his sister pleadingly, "Dr. Carrol said it's one of the worst cases he's ever seen."

"Oh no..." Shelley looked up, "Look Shtan there'sh... shomething you need to undershtand..." she put a hand on his shoulder, "You have a sherioush illnessh, and ash much ash I hate you, you're my brother, and I have to help you. Thish will get better, jusht wait." she promised him, turning, now thinking more out loud than anything, "I'll shign you up for a therapy group, they alwaysh help with this short of thing... and then if you shtick to your treatments in a few years it should jusht shtart to shlowly regressh."

"Regress? Treatments? Shelley, how do you know so much about cynicism?"

Shelley turned and looked at him, glaring again, "Look, turd, you're not the only one in the family with schynishishm..."

To Be Continued...

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

The cruise incident is a reference to me previous fic, "Play It Again, Stan". This also established Wendy and Kyle as having both brown eyes, although I now prefer green for Wendy.

Cultural References:

* The McCormicks went to see one of the Saw films.

* The flashbacks joke is a reference to "Family Guy" and specifically Matt and Trey's opinion of it.

* James Doohan played Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott in the original "Star Trek" series and films.

* Lara Croft is a character from the Tomb Raider games well-known for her puzzles and cleavage.

* House is a medical drama show about Dr. Gregory House and his associates working to solve mysterious medical cases.

* Stan is referenced Jonathan Swift's famous paper A Modest Proposal which is, yes, about eating babies.

* Dantooine is a planet mentioned in the Star Wars films.

* Kenya is a country in Africa. Only one N though :P

* Credits are a unit of money used in various Science Fiction series, most notably Star Wars and some planets in Star Trek.

* "He's Dead, Wendy" is a passing reference to the line "He's Dead, Jim" from the Star Trek franchise media.

South Park References:

* Kyle had an elephant in "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig" way back in Season 1.

* The World of Warcraft incident was covered a long, long time ago in Season 10's "Make Love, Not Warcraft"

* Robert T. Pooner is a pen name used throughout the show, most notably in Season 2's "Chickenlover"

* Stan's line about his sister being a bitch is a reference to Shelley's habit of beating him up from only a few scattered episodes, most notably Season 1's "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

* Chocolate guns are from the classic Season 5 episode "How To Eat With Your Butt"

* Kyle beat up Cartman in multiple episodes including "Kenny Dies" in Season 5 and the legendary Season 10 episode "Cartoon Wars Part II", Kenny also fought Cartman in Season 8's "Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes" and I don't believe Stan and Cartman have physically fought yet.

* Wendy beat the shit out of Cartman in "Breast Cancer Show Ever" from Season 12.

* Amir is Shelley's online boyfriend in the Seaosn 12 episode "Over Logging"

* Nurse Goodly appeared prominently back in Season 2's "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut" and made sporadic cameos in the early seasons and the film.