Author's Note: A couple of readers claimed that scenes were skipped, and more than a few pointed out that I forgot to cue Sarutobi in during the first chapter. After re-reading the first chapter, I added Sarutobi's cue, thanks to those who pointed it out, and completely ignored the criticism about the missing scenes.
Look, Naruto, the normal POV character for 95% of scenes that were skipped, didn't appear until the end. Anyone who had issues with the fact that I used gender-neutral pronouns throughout that first scene…
Oh, You noticed! Wonderful. I even had someone question something that felt off about that inner monologue, and independently confirmed what they suspected. I thought people were only interested in Iruka's field promotion. There's a very obvious lie related to that first scene in this chapter. I actually fact-checked this chapter so much better.
Going back to the story, Oh, Sakura… You're so good at digging your own grave. I didn't even need to make anything up about her early series portrayal to make her drop herself right in it. As one of my best readers, and reviewers, pointed out, Thanks, MWKillkenny, Sakura is genre-blind the moment it involves her precious Sasuke.
Chapter 2: Nuclear Fallout
At the start of that week, Kurenai was making plans for Hiashi's daughter, making her into a very capable scout in the short term, and getting her to start showing some back bone in the long term. She almost would think she'd faint in front of a mouse, except she was one of the few who didn't scream or run when Naruto got that box of mice out as a prank. Although, now she knew why a requirement for handling Hinata's class was a set of specially tuned ear plugs. That had been one hell of a scream.
When she'd been told that the team assignments for Team 7 and Team 8 were being rearranged due to a security breach, she wanted to find whoever leaked the information, and cause their last few minutes of life to be full of agonizing, soul-rending pain. She had intentionally not wanted to let that genie out of the bottle. And now she had to go back to trying to suppress or control Ido. Wonderful. Maybe if she had Ido paint them in some kind of barbaric torture device… Well, the regulations concerning traitors, which this idiot got themselves branded as, were very specific.
As she came to pick up the rest of her team, She noticed Ibiki stood nearby, while Sakura Haruno was trying hard to help out with someone who had passed out. The fact Ibiki was there told her part of why Yakumo was activated. One of the people there had leaked the team assignments. The fact Yakumo was a girl gave two possibilities.
"Naruto, You're doing it wrong! You're going to kill her!" Sakura was complaining, as Naruto was busy giving someone CPR. Considering it was a 'her', she could guess what had gone 'wrong'. The girl woke up, saw who was helping her… and passed out again. Repeatedly. First kisses were not normally the Kiss Of Life.
"Look, Sakura, I know what I'm doing! I've had to do the equivalent of field medical training on myself just to survive through some days..." Naruto snapped back, pausing before offering, "Possibly her jacket is too tight. Why don't you get her jacket off and see if she recovers, if you think I'm going to kill her with my CPR!"
"That's not how it works!" Sakura exclaimed, Kurenai grabbing her and forcing her away from the incident, Ibiki, for some reason, taking her aside.
"Look, Sakura, I'm already pissed since someone leaked the team assignments… Now, let me help her, or I will hurt you..." Kurenai snapped.
"Hey, Sensei, I have some information for you about that leak..." Kiba growled, slipping some ear plugs into Akamaru's ears.
"Oh, do tell..." Kurenai asked, for Kiba to smirk.
"She did it," was all he said. The person she wanted to kill was the same stupid fucking airheaded girl who was causing such a ruckus… Oh, This was getting better and better. She was, right now, already pissed with the girl, and now someone told her she was who screwed up her entire training plan, and got her activating...
"Sakura Haruno! You and me are going to get a portrait made with a friend of mine..." Kurenai barked, before she stated, slowly and evenly, "Team 8, come with me. Until the end of the day, Sakura Haruno is on Team 8."
"But she's..." Kiba began, Ibiki looking puzzled himself.
"Yakumo Kurama can create pictures which become very believable illusions, to the point that she can cause someone to die because their mind says they took a mortal injury..." Kurenai whispered to Ibiki, "Sakura is going to get a portrait painted by her..."
Ibiki nodded. She was walking practically speaking to her death, so any prosecution for her treasonous behaviour... could wait until after she'd been dismissed from Team 8.
Once they'd left, Naruto stopped what was clearly just for show, as he checked her pulse, listening for breathing, and stopping doing CPR since he could tell she just needed to recover.
"I'll deal with helping Hinata recover," Sasuke offered, "Despite what you acted like, you clearly can be right sometimes, since she's actually breathing, she just is probably suffering something like high blood pressure or similar..."
"What happened to the teme?" Naruto asked, "You're actually sticking up for me..."
Sasuke sighed. "Look, We're not in the Academy, I'm meant to work with you. Plus, Any time there's something like this that happens, a report is filed. If you're lucky, it doesn't go beyond that. If you're not, or they're highly placed within the village..." Sasuke began, eye-rolling, "The rest of your day is shot."
"Ah yes, Please explain what you were doing this morning with Hiruzen's grandson..." Naruto parroted, before, in his normal voice, he added, "Never mind that I'm unofficially on the books as the kid's sensei since his actual one is a right..."
"Ahem! I hope you were not saying what I think you were," Sasuke stated, rubbing his temples, "But yes, You have something like this happen, you spend hours going through several meetings where you explain what exactly happened to concerned people. Someone like Hinata is worse, since she's the clan heiress, and they are concerned then, and a few people who would be interviewing..."
Naruto winced. He'd been through several meetings with not so concerned people about when he threw a punch during the more violent incidents during the Kyuubi Festival, so he knew how long those took, and very rarely were they more than the same lecture reworded a dozen times. Concerned people would ask even more pressing questions, and have even bigger reasons to watch for him to trip up.
"Sakura, for example… All she did was the simple act of showing knowledge of the team assignments before today, which would normally get her a small fine and the assignments rearranged. Due to the fact over half the people who were assigned today were in clans..." Sasuke stated, mentally going over the list himself, "Gai-sensei wasn't willing to change his team, so Hinata got reassigned, and Sakura… She'll be lucky to survive the day..."
"How come do you know so much about these kinds of meetings? You're practically Kami-sama… I'd expect to get a 100,000 ryo fine over the fact I kissed you!" Naruto stated, "Sullying the clan heir with something like that..."
"First, We'll cover the lack of a fine. I got the facts about it from the rest of the class, and second..." Sasuke stated, getting a picture out of a wallet, "This is my girlfriend along with my sister. Until that day, only they got kisses from me,"
Naruto looked at the two girls in the picture, one of them, likely Sasuke's sister, wearing a cat eared hat, who were sat outside the Konohagakure Cat Home. Naruto could recognise the building immediately. He then frowned. Something didn't sit right about the scene, but he'd let Sasuke tell him later.
"Still, It was an accident, neither of our girlfriends will have a fit about it, so no harm, no foul..." Sasuke finished, "Going back to the meetings. For me, due to one of the village laws, I'm backdated on a specific piece of paperwork involving the clan massacre..."
"You're the only member of your clan, there's nothing else to it!" Naruto sighed, "What kind of paperwork would you be backdated on?"
"A little known law over bereavement means that a letter, which has to be a certain minimum length, has to be written by the clan head to the closest known living relative of the deceased..." Sasuke explained, rubbing his temple as he continued, "Even if the only person available is the clan head..."
"Wait, you're writing form letters, submitting them for approval, then sending them back… to yourself?!" Naruto declared, incredulous.
"Dear Mr/Mrs Uchiha, We are sorry to say your daughter Suki was unfortunately killed in an attack on the Uchiha Compound dated… Then the date of the massacre, some stock condolences, a promise that the perpetrator will be found… They must be sent to a living member of the deceased's family who are currently living in Konohagakure..." Sasuke sighed, "Every single one practically identical in format, every single one checked the follow the regulations concerning said letters..."
"And then it arrives back in your house, with an equally annoyed messenger, since he just ran to the Hokage, just to run back to the same place?" Naruto asked.
"It's worse than that. I write several dozen of those letters a week, 'post' them in the morning, collect them before I go to bed, sometimes sending a message to the Post Office asking why they redacted the letter again," Sasuke stated, sighing, "I actually get letters redacted I only wrote myself an hour earlier. You're lucky. You don't have to deal with it, The Uzumaki clan was extinct before you were born,"
"Yeah, while you have to go through the names of all of your family... Well, You take Hinata out, let her get some fresh air, wait for her to recover, then come back in..." Naruto offered, "She didn't even notice I checked Hinata's pulse and probably only noticed I wasn't actually doing CPR, just using the motions to cover up for what I really did… I knew why not to do CPR… She fainted, that's it, anything more would hurt her,"
By the time Kakashi arrived, Hinata had recovered, Sasuke looking at Naruto curiously. He'd dealt with it very differently to what he was expecting. He'd somehow expected Sakura to make a scene, so literally made a scene for her to take part in. And the annoyance over the form letters was real, and even he found it completely ridiculous.
"Don't know why, but she can't really talk about why she fainted without stammering..." Sasuke offered, "Didn't learn a thing,"
"Know why Sakura Haruno looks like she was quite literally mauled by some kind of monster?" Kakashi asked, Sasuke looking thoughtful, "All I know is that she's not in the team she was projected for..."
"Sakura leaked the team assignments, in an attempt to curry favour with me. As a concerned citizen, I reported the leak immediately to the Hokage, who took immediate action..." Sasuke stated, dusting off his fingers, "Sakura's mother's shogi club was unfortunately closed down due to the confidential nature of their banter during matches..."
"Well, Sakura may well get out of the hospital's critical care ward eventually, long enough for the judgement of the ANBU to finish," Kakashi stated, "She's likely to get a large fine and be kept on the 'medically unfit' register for the rest of her life,"
"Fancy that..." Sasuke mused, "I was hoping they would kill her..."
"You should not wish death on your fellow ninja..." Hinata stated, using a fire jutsu on two sets of ear plugs, "Even if they're Sakura. The nice woman who makes those would be out of a job..."
"Suggest to them that they'd be useful for use on training grounds and other places where loud, flashy jutsu are used often..." Naruto offered, Sasuke pinching Hinata to stop her from fainting again, as she mumbled something about 'Naruto agreed with something I said...'
"That would help out, and keep her in business... I'll suggest it to the Hokage. Now we've dealt with that..." Kakashi muttered, before declaring, "I want you to meet me on the top of the building in ten minutes..."
He then vanished, and Naruto took Sasuke's hand, who looked confused, before Naruto beckoned to Hinata, Sasuke grabbing her hand before they all vanished… Only to appear behind Kakashi, Naruto taking out a tankobon, then covering it with a cloth, before it changed into an orange book, which he handed Sasuke to keep hold of.
"Hey! What did you do that for?" Kakashi snapped, furious as he realised he was reading an all-ages manga instead of Icha Icha Paradise.
"Kakashi Hatake, notorious for lateness and reading a particularly notable book, written by a man named Jiraiya..." Naruto stated. Sasuke held the book between two fingers, then started the handsigns for a one-hand camping jutsu, following Naruto's lead.
"Now, if you don't want your book to end up making a nice fire, you'll make an effort," Sasuke continued, "And I'm sure Hinata can tell us where you really are when you're late..."
"First, introduce yourselves. You already know plenty about me..." Kakashi almost growled.
"Sasuke Uchiha. I like cats, Tamaki-chan, Tamaki-neko and a nice book before bed. I hate dogs, the speed at which rice goes cold, and writing two dozen letters before bed. I plan to go into raising nin-neko along with Tamaki, creating a Uchiha clan who no longer rely on the Sharingan," Sasuke began. Kakashi looked confused. What he'd expected from Sasuke was 'Vengeance, Hate, Kill Everyone'. He then realised something. The Konohagakure Cat Home was just within the borders of what was ostensibly the Uchiha District. The sneaky…
He was already raising nin-neko. He just wasn't publicly involved! The moment he could, he'd be dropping the Uchiha legacy like a hot potato.
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen and those people who believe in me as much as I believe in them. I hate the time it takes for cup ramen to cook and those people who see me as a scapegoat. I state this..." Naruto said, "I will never lose anyone,"
"Anyone?" Kakashi stated, for Naruto to rock on his heels.
"Sasuke told me earlier about how much people end up filling out endless paperwork about all the people they've lost..." Naruto stated, "In that case, I will be the first ninja to not lose ANYONE,"
"OK, And now you..." Kakashi stated, looking at the quiet and unassuming third member of his team.
"My name's Hinata Hyuga. I like cinnamon rolls. I hate when people persecute others for their own mistakes. I plan to make the caged bird fly..." Hinata stated, firmly. Kakashi found himself surprised three times in a row. He knew what she meant by the 'caged bird'. She was also planning reforms in her clan. And she had two people who'd back her to the hilt.
"Meet me at Training Ground 7 in five minutes..." Kakashi began, heading off to get the bells. He'd expected an emo, a failure and a fangirl. He got three people who wanted to change the ninja world...
