Chapter 2

EPOV

I had known worse pain. I could never experience more pain than I had when I thought that Bella was dead. I truly became the living dead in that moment; all my thoughts were consumed with agony for those few short days. I longed for the sweet release of death so that maybe, if Carlisle was right, I could join her for eternity that way. I couldn't live in a world without Bella so I sought my own destruction. As always, she saved me though. She found me before I could go through with my plan to provoke the Volturi and she made my life complete again. I just had to remind myself that I had known worse pain.

Still, seeing her through Jacob's eyes as his lips pressed against hers was torture. If my heart was still beating it would have stopped in that moment when she asked him to kiss her. I wanted to shut off my brain, I didn't want to see it through his mind's eye but I couldn't look away. I watched Bella's face as his lips bent toward hers. Did she seem excited? Did she seem anxious to feel him? Was she looking at him with love? I was going to drive myself crazy wondering these things but her silent mind was really haunting me now. I had to look. I knew her expressions so well; I had to read her face to see if I could find out what was going on in her head.

She closed her depthless chocolate brown eyes, cutting off my view into her soul. I didn't know if I should be angry or grateful that the dog kept his eyes open. His hands gripped her shoulders tightly and he yanked her to him with an unrestrained power that both infuriated me and filled me with envy. I longed to take her that way, to put all of my love and passion for her into a kiss knowing that I would never hurt her. Like I had a million times before, I cursed my very existence. Most vampires view their strength and power as something that makes them more, something that makes them better. I know what a handicap it really is.

Seth lets out a low whine outside of the tent. Though he can't see what's happening, his keen hearing let him know what was going on. Seth is such a good hearted guy. He knows that Jake loves Bella and he's happy for him but he also likes me and knows what I'm seeing and hearing. His thoughts momentarily distracted me from Jake's, which was a good thing as he was now envisioning MY Bella with nothing on and him writhing around on top of her. Fury spiked and I wanted nothing more than to burst out of the tent and go rip the dog in half. Did I really used to think it was horrible witnessing that vile Newton's little fantasies about Bella? I nearly laughed as I remembered my urge to smash his face into his desk in biology. I thought about all the times that I wanted to smack him or Tyler Crowley through the wall. What a fool I was. Their harmless thoughts were nothing, nothing compared to Jacob Black's. Though they were similar, they were nothing alike because I knew that Bella wanted nothing to do with either of those insignificant little humans. Therein lies the problem…I don't know if she truly wants Jacob Black.

I know she loves him. His absence from her life upon my return to Forks had hurt her deeply. Hurt her to the point that she continued to put herself at risk to go see him. I couldn't fault her for caring about him. He was there when I wasn't. He took care of her when I didn't. He comforted her when I hurt her. He put her back together after I tore her apart. I would never, ever be able to make up for what I did to her when I left. I would never stop hating myself for doing it. And I could never hurt or kill Jacob because he did take care of her. I couldn't even make myself hate him. If she picked him, if she came to me now and told me that she was going to be with him, I wouldn't go kill him and reclaim her as mine. She would hate me then and I couldn't live with myself if she hated me. I didn't know how I would live with myself if she left me for him, but I knew that if she could find happiness with someone else, I wouldn't begrudge either one of them that.

Cursed vampire mind, I could think all these chaotic and painful thoughts while still listening to Jacob's and seeing Bella through his mind's eye. His eyes were open, searching her face to see if he could find her love reflected back upon him. I looked as well but I didn't see the look on her face that she got when she gazed upon me. God she was beautiful. I wish she would open her eyes so I could see what she was thinking. Her face was almost blank. Her eyes shut tightly. I watched as one of Jacob's hands strayed from her shoulder up to her hair, pulling her face tighter to him as he continued to mash his lips to hers.

Anger spiked again. That was MY girl. I was the one who ran my fingers through her hair. She loved it when I did that. I spent every single night combing my fingers through her hair when she slept, humming her lullaby and looking at that beautiful face. Running my cold fingers over her soft cheek and watching a faint blush steal over it, even in sleep. Listening to her sweet voice call my name as she dreamt about me. I could not lose her. I would not lose her.

If she told me to let her go, I would, but I wasn't going to let her go forever. That damn dog would hurt her someday, I know he would. He hadn't imprinted on her and though he was so sure that he loved her, I knew that one day he might look at a girl and find his true soul mate. Then he would rip Bella's heart out and leave her, just like Sam had done to Leah. I would not sit by and do nothing if that happened. It didn't matter to me if it happened in a week, a month, a year or a decade. I would be there for her. Even if she never wanted me again, I would be there as a friend and a confidant. I had sworn I would never leave her again and I wouldn't, even though watching her with him day in and day out would surely crush me.

Still, if she was happy I could deal with it. I could handle anything so long as she was smiling and living a life that fulfilled her. I could never give her anything more than my love. If she wanted to live a normal existence with the dog, I would sit by and watch her enjoy it. Her happiness was my number one priority.

Jake finally started to pull back from Bella and I breathed a sigh of relief that that torture was over. There might be more to come but sitting through this, not knowing what she was thinking and feeling was too much. I needed to stop wondering and to know. Her silent thoughts, usually fascinating, were nothing but torment to me right now. I watched as her eyes slowly opened. What was that look in them? I don't know if I've seen that one before.

I let out the breath that I'd been unknowingly holding while I watched the scene unfold in Jacob's mind. She was not looking at him with love, not like the way she looks at me. God, was there still hope? Was she still mine? I watch as something flashes across her face. It looks like pain. What does that mean? Did he hurt her while he was devouring her face? If he hurt her, I could at least hurt him a little, right? I wouldn't kill him, but I could rip a limb off. I smiled to myself as that image played through my mind. I knew it was momentary satisfaction but I couldn't help but like the image of Jacob yelping as he ran around on 3 legs. Ah to dream!

Focus, Edward. You can fantasize about maiming Jacob at any other time, this is too important. Your entire existence is on the line right now and you need to stop thinking about legless Jacob. He doesn't matter. All that matters in the world is that beautiful angel looking at the dog incomprehensibly. What is she thinking? I am going to go mad if I don't find out soon.

"Gotta go, Bells! We'll talk about this later but right now I have some bloodsucker butt to go kick!" Bloodsucker butt indeed, Jacob. You're lucky they're just newborns. He is such a child, really. So overconfident and cocky about his wolf strength. He truly doesn't know what any one of us could do to him without half trying. He couldn't take on a full grown vampire alone. I know their whole pack took down Laurent but they needed six of them to do it. One, even two wolves would not really be a match for us.

"Jacob…" There was my girl's voice but she didn't sound right. I could hear the pain in that one word. She sounded as if she'd lost her best friend. Had she? He was her best friend. Was it wrong for me to hope that this kissing thing had backfired upon him and made her see that the friendship she perceived to have with him was not as she thought it? How could I root for something that would cause her immeasurable pain? Am I really selfish enough to take pleasure in the thought of him being out of her life?

I thought about that for a few moments. I didn't want her to hurt but I knew that Jacob would be a thorn in our side for a long time if he stuck around. I can't be her everything but she still has Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Esme and Carlisle. I'm not sure if Rose will ever be a friend to her, but the others all already love Bella. I know losing him would leave a hole in her heart, I would never ask her to give him up. I tried to keep them apart and all that got me was her sneaking off and giving me panic attacks. If seeing him made her happy, I would step back and let her see him.

Getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we Edward? I still don't know what that look on her face means and I still have no idea what she's going to say to me. I can't even begin to allow myself to dream that she's not only chosen me but that she's going to forsake him. She wouldn't hurt him that way and I wouldn't ask her to. I owe him; I must remember always that I owe him.

"No time, Bells, the newborns will be here soon and I've got to go phase. See you later!" He flashed her some big smile and gave her another quick kiss before running off into the forest. I could hear his euphoric mind as he phased. His mind was shouting over and over that she was his. That did it. My fists clenched and I let out a deep guttural growl. Seth let out a small whine outside of the tent and I tried to reign in my temper. I picked up an empty thermos of water that I'd brought for Bella and crushed it in one hand. If only this were Jacob's head…

Dammit, Edward, calm down. She'll be here in a minute and I can't let her see the rage. The last thing on earth I ever want to do is scare her. That was never acceptable. Breathe slowly and focus on something else. Think of Bella's smile, of the light in those chocolate brown eyes when she looks at you. Think of her intoxicating scent, the scent that brought me nearly to madness and then brought me a strength that I've never known. It worked. Thoughts of Bella always worked to calm my nerves and bring me peace.

I listened to the sound of her footsteps. She was walking at a turtle's pace and this time I don't think it was fear of falling that was making her be so cautious. She was afraid to face me. It killed me that she would feel that way. No matter what she had to say, I had to vow not to make it hard on her. I would listen and I would take it calmly, even if she told me we were over. I would never let her see the pain it would cause me if she were to let me go. I would do that for her, for to cause her pain or guilt over my pain was unimaginable. I would be strong for her.

Hmm, interesting. The packs reactions to Jacob's memory of kissing Bella were rather mixed. Quil and Embry were happy for their friend. That made sense; they were the closest to Jacob and would want him to get what he wanted. Paul boiled with rage at the thought of sloppy vampire seconds. That one made me angry and I bit back another growl. Leah's mind was its usual mass of jealousy and anger; she resented the idea of Jacob being happy when she was suffering. Nothing new there. Sam, though, Sam's thoughts were worried. He worried that Jacob read the situation wrong; he thought if Bella did leave me for Jacob that our pact might end and we might all go to war. I guess a leader had to worry about things like that and plan ahead.

Listening to them didn't make any less aware of Bella's approach. I could hear her tentative footsteps contrasting with the sound of her pounding heart. It was faster than usual, she was nervous. So was I. I've never felt so out of control in over a hundred years since this girl came into my life. She's made me into an entirely new being and thrown me into chaos. But it's a good chaos and I never want to let it go. Please tell me that I don't have to let it go.

She's here. I hear her pause outside of the tent and take a deep breath before she steps inside. I steady myself and take a breath of my own. I have to be strong for her. I settle my face into a smooth mask and await the words that will either destroy my life or bring me eternal peace.