A/N: It's been a while, I know! So sorry for the delay. Real life called. Please enjoy! :)
I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
He dreams of her, too. Daydreams, night dreams. When he closes his eyes, he can see her like a sunspot, burned onto the interior of his eyelids. It isn't this new her, covered in tattoos, hair hacked off, eyes forever confused, that he sees in his dreams, but the old her. He sees her smile, hears her laugh, submits himself to the reverent hush in her voice when she whispers I love you.
He sees his ring on her hand and her long, dark hair falling down her back and he sees the way she catches his eye, looking over her shoulder to make sure he's following behind.
He tries not to take the dreams as a sign. He knows they're nothing more than his subconscious indulging his own desperate wants: for her, for the past they'd once had together, for the future that he still, in his most lonely moments, prays will become a reality. He reminds himself every time he wakes that they are over and will always be over. There is no recourse to before the memory wipe; there is only living in the aftermath.
That system works well for a while, and he manages to keep ahold of himself.
Until the dreams begin to mix.
The changes are slight, at the start. She is the same as ever, only now his birds are on her neck. Then the backs of her hands are stained with ink. Her arms. Chest. Stomach. He blinks, and her hair is chopped off. He looks, but the ring his mind always remembers her wearing has disappeared. She doesn't turn back for him anymore when she walks away, and though he calls out her name, she doesn't look over her shoulder in recognition.
He always wakes before he gets a chance to try calling her by her new name.
Often, he is driven from bed by thoughts of her. The dreams become too much and he cannot lie there haunted by them, by her, anymore. He goes for walks, for runs; he works out. He tries to purge her from his mind, and for a few hours a night, he succeeds. But it's always at a cost. And as the weeks pass, the cost becomes more and more noticeable.
"You're not sleeping, kid," the bearded man points out one day, in that begrudging way he has, as if he resents Oscar for making him speak—as if Oscar had asked for the bearded man's opinion and forced him to give it.
"I'm sleeping," Oscar replies, biting down hard on his lower lip to stifle a yawn that was rising to the surface.
The bearded man shakes his head, seeing through his weak defenses as usual. "Not enough," he mutters, but thankfully he leaves it at that.
They both know why Oscar isn't getting as much rest as he should, but neither of them is keen to get into it. She's always been an awkwardly untouchable subject between them—always present, always there, but not something they ever discuss outright, let alone in detail. Privately, Oscar is glad of this distance between them. He doesn't want to talk about the dreams, least of all with the only other person on earth who might understand them.
The others tend to steer clear of talking about her. When they speak to him, they focus on work-related subjects: upcoming mission points, potential risks involved, or training schedules. He likes the last subject the most, for it keeps him busy the longest. He goes to his weekly sparring practices with Ari; he keeps up with his French with Danny; he works on his shooting with the bearded man. He practices the little details with Mel: spotting forgeries, hacking simple systems, picking pockets. She's a ruthless teacher—again, again, again, she orders until he gets it—but he appreciates her dedication. He needs something to keep his mind off of her, and the dreams.
But of course, once the work is done, Mel succumbs to curiosity and pity the same way everyone else does. Though she doesn't express it as carefully or politely as the others.
"You gotta get yourself laid, Brenton."
She's so blunt about it that he actually smiles. And it's Mel, so he plays along. This, he knows, is her way of being kind and showing she cares. Or maybe she's just being a jerk. Either way, he'll take it.
"Maybe I do," he allows. "Got anyone in mind?" From his seat next to her at their group's regular dive, he nudges her lightly in the ribs with an elbow. "You finally coming around to the inevitable? I know you've been in love with me for years."
She grins, tipping back her tequila. "Talk to me when you've gotten a sex change, jarhead."
"Oh, come on! Where's your wild side? Life's no fun without a little adventure, right?"
That makes her laugh and, for the first time in months, he laughs too.
But it fades quickly, and they turn back to their drinks, silence falling again. They're alone for the moment—it's late on a Saturday, and most of their usual crew is out, at real bars, taking the night off.
"I'm sorry, you know," Mel says finally, finishing the last of her drink and pushing her glass aside. "I know it's strange for everyone, this whole process, but I can only imagine how hard this is for you, with her being gone and… not being gone."
Oscar doesn't say anything to that, simply nods. He isn't keen to get into just how not gone she is to him. Mel has his back in a lot of things, especially since she left, but he thinks even Mel might be worried at the frequency of which he dreams of her, and the level of detail. She'd be worried about how things are blending for him.
But that's all right. If he can't tell, he won't tell. If the only way to keep her real is to meet her in his sleep, then that's what he'll do. It's not like he has any other choices.
In his more pitying moments, he reminds himself that they had their time together—six years, they had. He reminds himself that they're changing the world together. He reminds himself that they sacrificed their future for a reason, and that he should not ask, nor want, for anything more. He reminds himself of all this again and again and again, beating the mantra into his brain.
But still, he dreams.
A/N: Reviews would be lovely if you have thoughts. Thank you for reading! :)
