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Chapter 2

The First Night

As I expected, Susan and Robert stayed in Abnegation, and so did several some of the Abnegation-born initiates, although a couple left, as well. Most transferred to Amity, though; some to Candor, only Caleb left for Erudite, and, this year, no Abnegation transferred to Dauntless. As usual. I couldn't shake off the thought that I could've changed that. I could've been the only Abnegation-born faction transfer at Dauntless this year, but I was too scared to try. And now we'll never know that possibility.

As we stood there, behind the Abnegation members, the silence was deafening as the last few people in the Choosing Ceremony piled out of the room. I catch one last glimpse of Caleb, and I see him look from the transfer beside him to me. I see disappointment in his eyes; he was expecting me to make the same decision as him: leave Abnegation. Then he turns his back and we are the only ones left.

Growing up in Abnegation, I know what comes next.

"Well," Marcus begins, "That was something."

I look at father. He sits silently in the front row, beside mother and Susan's parents. Then he stands upright, presses the front of his gray coat with his fingers and clears his throat as he turns to face us, addressing the other Abnegation members as if his son hadn't just transferred, hadn't just left us. He welcomes the transfer Abnegation initiates; there are seven this year.

"Being Abnegation means more than being selfless enough to not think of ourselves; it is about being selfless enough to think of others. It is projecting outwards that we even almost forget ourselves in the midst of helping others."

From what I remember, there was more to what my father had to say. He was going to recite the Abnegation Manifesto if Marcus hadn't cut him off. He seemed frantic, with the way he spoke, but he was good at hiding it. I wouldn't have noticed it myself if I haven't been watching him give speeches to the Abnegation for sixteen years now.

"To some, this concept may seem absurd," he began. "Now, if you are among them, confused on how one can accomplish this, then you may not be as Abnegation as the faction would need you to be for now. At one point during your initiation, you will learn to embrace this, begin to open your hands out to someone, anyone, out there in need of our help. I would not want to sound… irrational, but if you cannot put your mind around the Abnegation way of life, you will be free to leave anytime."

I don't know what Marcus was trying to tell us, particularly the newcomers. He sounded too fierce, these transfers are most likely peace-seeking people, but not too much that would choose Amity. The way he told them to leave if they can't be selfless like them seemed too much for Abnegation standards. I feel the transfer behind me stumble, but he does not move. Other than his foot, no other noise is made.

"Well, then that's that," Marcus says before patting my father's arm and turning his back on us to walk towards a closet at the far side of the room.

My father claps his hands together with a straight face, with just a very subtle smile somewhere there if we look hard enough, and addresses us initiates, "Well, why don't we get started with our well-known Abnegation deeds?"

He walks over to Marcus who had just walked out of the closet with a few cleaning materials. This is not the first time I have been part of the cleanup committee after a program. It's almost always Abnegation; the Amity occasionally join us.

The other members walk towards the closet to gather their own materials, while my father hands out the others to us. He begins with the ones at the other side, letting the ones in front pass the materials to those at the back. When he reaches me, he pauses as he hands me two mops and a broom. I slowly take it away from him as I try to read his expression, until he breaks away from our quick staring contest by looking down at my cut hand before looking back at me to smile. He walks towards my mother at the other end of my room and I continue to watch them, until the transfer behind me lightly taps my shoulder. I turn around, almost forgetting their presence, then he makes hand motions I find strange at first. He looks nervous. Then I remember the equipment in my hand, so I hand the mop and broom to him, and I break away from the group to begin. The others follow in suit.

It actually takes us longer than usual, what with the newbies being clueless sometimes, and the size of the room wasn't fully appreciated with the crowd filling it earlier. Faction representatives will apparently have a meeting tomorrow, so we need to make the place spotless. We work silently, occasionally speaking to respond to questions from the new ones.

When we finish, four of the new recruits sit back on the chairs piled on the left side of the room, looking slightly exhausted. They have in their hands scrubs they used on the walls and, one of them, a black bag of garbage beside him. I plop down against the wall beside one of the transfers, and she turns her head sideways to peer at me.

"When do we leave?" she asks. Based on her yellow dress and red accessories, she was Amity. For a while, I wonder why she left, but remember that curiosity is not very Abnegation of me. I shrug and nod my head towards the older members of our faction. "We go when they go."

And with that, the members turn to us and bow their heads. The initiates who were Abnegation-born bow their head back, the new ones following in suit. Then we get up as the members begin to leave the room.

The transfer initiates take the bus to the Abnegation compound, while the Abnegation-born either take their family cars back home or take the bus as well. My parents accept the offer of the Blacks to give us a ride, so, while Mr. Black drives, dad sits in front with him, our mothers in the middle, and I sit in the back with Robert and Susan. During the first few minutes in the car, our fathers whisper to each other; I hear Caleb's name at one point. We ride the rest of the way home quietly.

When we reach our block, we get out of the car and bid our goodbyes, bowing our heads to them, too; typical Abnegation greeting. I slip a glance at Robert whose eyes I kept feeling watching me in the car.

It was Caleb's turn to make dinner tonight. I plan on taking his place; all his turns, I will handle. He's left me no choice.

Dinner was awkwardly quiet. My parents used to tell us that our listening ears were gifts to us, but what is the use of that gift if no one was going to talk? I was about to speak to break the silence, when father spoke.

"Beatrice, staying in the Abnegation compound's dormitory is part of your initiation," he says, clearing his throat, "After dinner, pack a few extra clothes for yourself, and give any to the transfers who might need them, and we'll go to your new home."

I nod. It's an Abnegation act for our families to be selfless enough to let us go, apparently, thinking of our futures as Abnegation members, instead of their house lives without us. I'm leaving tonight, but I'm still with them, somehow. I imagine transferring to Dauntless; I wonder how they would have managed then. How long would it have taken them to get over my absence?


As we walk the sidewalk of the Abnegation streets that night, I notice people still out on the streets. Abnegation accompanying some Factionless, probably back to their area. The sun had set, and way past the Abnegation children's curfew, so I'm not entirely sure if this is normal.

When we reach the compound, we see the familiar car of the Blacks parked by the gate. I look up at the gray building of concrete in front of us, taller than the others by a floor. In the whole Abnegation sector, only buildings are this tall, the dormitory for us initiates, and the other for our mentors and some of our leaders with no families. The two buildings flank the Abnegation headquarters.

I stop by the curb, my legs stiff. I suddenly feel the gravity of my decision. I chose this life; I think twice: Will I be truly happy here?

My parents, already by the gate, look back at me. I approach them, pointing at my untied shoe. I lean against the wall by the door and drop low, tying my shoelaces. When I get up, my father comes closer and puts me in his arms.

"I am very proud of you, Beatrice," he whispers to me before pulling away. "You know that, right?" I smile at him. "Well, I am. And I want you to know that as you go through initiation. You'll make it, I just know it… and you'll be rejoining us soon."

My mother takes my hand and we all walk together into the compound. At the other end of the hallway are some of the other initiates' parents, grouped together, speaking in hushed voices. When my father opens the door though, they become silent. My father and mother bow their head to them, and the others respond similarly. I bow to them as well. A man with a slouched back breaks away from the group and puts his hand on my father's shoulder.

"Andrew," he begins, half-whispering to his ear, "How are you managing? I never took your son for the Erudite-type, especially with all these articles lately. We can only imagine." Some of the others in the hall with Abnegation hats take them off. When I was young, I used to believe that only reason Abnegation wore hats was for this very purpose: to grieve with someone who might need it.

My hands shake beneath my robes. I do not know if these men are actually sympathizing with him, or just glorifying the fact that it wasn't their children who did the heinous act… Then again, these men are Abnegation; they would not think of their own conditions, if ever. Maybe it was just me. But I can't help but feel the relief in the man's actions. He does seem like he's truly feeling sorry for our family, but at the same time also feeling good about himself.

My father expression stays plain, he grips the man's outstretched hand and nods his head towards the others. I do not know if he accepted their sympathy, or just shrugged it off. "Well, at least my dear Beatrice remained," he says, shaking my shoulder with one hand. I smile faintly. At least I remained. He'll be expecting more from me now. I will uphold my family's legacy; I must. For a while, I think of the possible alternative situation if I hadn't chosen this. The whispers, the gossip… I feel sorry for my parents before I remember that that wasn't the reality. This is the reality.

The door behind the members opens and an elder steps out.

"Oh, there's one more," he says, looking at me. He takes out a hand from his long robes and grips my shoulder, "Come on, come on, say your goodbyes and I'll take you to the girls' dormitory."

I turn back to my father and see his smile. He pulls me closer to him and mom. "Well then, we wouldn't want to keep you away from your fellow faction initiates any longer," he says. He and mom hug me, their arms intersecting over my back. I hug them back. Then I turn away and climb the stairs with the old man.

"You're not new, right?" He's not unfamiliar. I've seen him during a few meetings I've attended with father. If I was to judge physically, I'd say he seems like the oldest in the council right now. "Well then, you won't need much briefing. If you have any questions, ask the other initiates, okay?"

I nod. I would understand if he's exhausted. He's probably explained things to the girls upstairs and the boys downstairs; he's old and needs rest. If there was ever a time the Abnegation becomes selfish, it's when they reach an age where they can no longer keep going. Maybe their selfishness is subconscious; maybe their body just pushes them to think of their state.


There are nine of us in the room, and seven below in the boys' room. Given the cramped room, twelve beds are arranged facing each other, with barely a few inches in between the sides of the beds; six beds pressed against each wall to my side, leaving enough space for a path from the door to the other end of the room. Crossing the path in the middle of the room is another space across the only closet in the room, pressed against the right wall, separating three beds from the other. I place my bag on the bed next to Susan's and across a transfer.

When I entered the room, everyone was quietly unpacking their things or fluffing down their pillows. I saw Susan and Rhea, another one of our Abnegation-born neighbors, piling gray clothes into the only closet in the room. I join them and add my clothes into the closet. When we settle into our bunks, an awkward silence fills the room as the others have finished packing.

"So," the Amity girl to my left leans towards me, "Is getting to know each other in this faction not allowed, or…" She breaks off. She was the Amity from earlier. I blink at her with the same curiosity I had earlier, then Susan speaks. "Of course not. I think everyone's still just shy."

The Amity girl sits up and puts the pillow on her lap. "Well, boo. I'm gonna have to get used to all the silence, but I think I'll make it. I'm Tina, by the way," she offers her hand, expecting Susan to shake it. She stares at her extended hand, and I respond to her instead.

"I'm Beatrice. Tina, physical contact is powerful among the Abnegation." I smile at her.

"Oh," is all she can mutter as she puts her hand down, embarrassed. I like the thought that other factions still see our faction as worth transferring into; I don't want her views to change in less than a day of initiation. I let my sleeves fall over my hands and hold her hand between both of mine, smiling at her, "Hey. It's okay, you'll get used to it."

She grins, and I let go of her. Susan's eyes fall on our hands. Even I was shocked of what I just did.

"This is Susan," I say, pointing my thumb at her. Susan smiles and nods her head.

Then the lights go out. Curfew. A few of the girls shriek with the sudden darkness, and some of us can't help but laugh. Outside, we must be our selfless, Abnegation selves from now on. But amongst ourselves, I'm not sure we can be selfless at all times. Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind. If these girls will be the ones I grow up with, let's just hope I grow up no different than they are.

A few beds creak as the girls position themselves in bed. I lie back against mine and stare up at the ceiling. I try to coordinate my mind with my sight, and since I see nothing in this darkness, I leave my mind blank, as well. I try to keep this up, the not thinking about anything thing, choosing this rather than being overwhelmed with second thoughts. It doesn't take long before I feel my eyes starting to adjust to the darkness, so I close my eyes. I hear a few more bed creaks; probably a transfer going through her adjustment stage: the sleeplessness at night is a symptom. This place is not strange to me, I should not need adjusting; this has been my home for years, so why couldn't I find it in me to sleep.

Beatrice, we should think of our family, he said.

And I did.

But…But we should also think of ourselves.

I didn't. But I choose now to follow his advice. Before I fall asleep, the last thing in my mind was me. Myself. My reflection, and the sudden yearning for a mirror.

I am selfish. I do not belong here. But I have to, so I will try.


Ended up a tad bit too long for my taste; hope you enjoy it though. Please review, thank you!