She remembered the mistrust, watching him come back from the Anarchy headquarters without her, smelling like booze, and what smelled like really cheap perfume, the kind croweaters used to wear. She remembered him telling her she was being paranoid and he was faithful. She remembered never knowing if she could trust him.
But most of all, beyond the hurt, and the mistrust, and the misery, she remembered the warmth of his embrace. She remembered standing by his side when they buried his father, even though they were barely friends. She remembered riding on his bike, the wind in her hair, her hands around his waist, holding tight even though it was not needed, just because they both loved it. She remembered their first kiss on the first anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. She remembered feeling safe in his arms when her father was drunk on the couch below. She remembered ... feeling loved.
Thus it made it even more painful when she forced herself not to discard the bad memories. The good memories were important, and it was too tempting to only keep them on her mind when she saw him, but there had been a reason she had thought she could never tell him about her applying to universities out of a certain perimeter. She remembered the last time she had seen him, in the rearview mirror of her uncle's car as he had come to pick her up for her to go to med school, and the look of betrayal in Jax's eyes. She had betrayed him, but so had he when he had made her feel like he was the one saying what was okay or not okay for her to hope to achieve. They had been young, crazy, and in love, in lust, passionate, but they had both messed up and done things they shouldn't have done.
It was painful, but she reminded herself of all of that.
When he moved forward, and hugged her, she hugged back, but never stop thinking about both the good and the bad. It was too easy to just watch that sunny boy and forget about why she had thought she would never return to Charming. His hands on the small of her back made her crow burn.
He let go of her, and looked so awkward, which seemed only fitting, as she was feeling the next thing after awkward.
"I thought I saw you earlier in a rental..." He finally said, playing with his patch on his chest, as if trying to gather his thoughts or find a way to express them.
"That was me. I got surrounded by Sons at a traffic light," she said, stating what they both knew, keeping herself in check otherwise she would have rubbed the tattoo on her back. "I see you got patched in," she said, another painfully obvious statement.
There had been a point in his life when they hadn't known if he would go down that road, after his father had died so gruesomely. Then, Clay, his mother's new suitor (though Tara had always had a feeling there was something deeper there even then) had given him a cheap bike, saying it would be a chick magnet, and Jax had fallen in love with speed, and the freedom he felt when on the back of his Harley. Once, he had compared it to being the captain of a ship, and feeling like a pirate, and she had had no choice but to laugh in his faith for being so cheesy, something he hadn't begrudged her. She had reminded him that women were not allowed on ships and he had pretended to whisper:
"Let's not tell the other pirates that you are allowed on my ship, okay? I already got kicked out of the Boys Scouts, I gotta remain a pirate..."
As she had grown up and become more matured, she finally got what he meant, and how amazing and scary it was to feel like you were truly in control of something. You probably never were, though as a surgeon she had to believe she was a goddess in the OR and nothing went on without her having decided so.
"Yeah, a couple of years ago," he said, putting his leather straight on his shoulder.
She would never say it out loud, for she had hoped he would never become a Son, but the leather suited him. The facial hair wasn't too bad either. She decided to spare him humiliation and not comment on the fact that he had finally grown a goatee. When she had left when he was 19, he had been struggling to get even the slightest fuzz on his cheeks. He had hated it, and she had told him so many times she didn't him to be as hairy as, say, Bobby... She shuddered thinking about the guy. She didn't want to know where he was at. Sometimes she still had nightmares about his wedding and his wedding vows, which were apparently traditional when you were a Son.
They kept silent, on the doorstep of her hotel room, and she had no idea where this would go. Trying to regain some control, she said:
"I'm doing surgery at St Thomas in a couple of days."
She didn't say "that's why I'm back", nor did she say "that's the only reason I would ever come back", but she heard it anyway in the words she spoke, and she wondered if he could hear it too.
"Look at you, a badass surgeon..." He said with a smile, flirtingly.
"I'm a fellow, or a resident, whatever you want to call it. I still have supervision, I am not a full fledged surgeon," she said, to tell the truth, but also to put an end to his flirting.
It wasn't really true, though she thought. Yes, she still had exams, and board exams, and more exams to qualify in her specialty, but truth be told, she had been born a doctor in waiting, and growing up she had turned into this surgeon waiting for the moment when she would finally receive the proper training to do what she felt like she had been put on Earth to do.
She saved babies. She saved families. Or at least she did her best.
"Jax?" Came the yell from further away, and both Jax and Tara jumped.
She pushed her head out the door, and saw a girl, a trashy one, with fake blonde hair and the typical physical appearance of someone who was using heroine sitting on the back of his Harley he had parked below.
Part of her was stunned, by what it meant, if it even meant something... He had come to see her, hoping to see her really and hoping he hadn't dreamt it was her, but he had brought his croweater with him, why? Just in case he was wrong, and he wanted to get back to business?
"Your date awaits," she said, starting to close the door in his face.
He put his foot in the door to prevent her from locking her out, and said:
"She's not... It's not... Can we get together for coffee sometime?"
"All three of us?" She asked bitterly. "That would be lovely. Maybe I'll even bring a date!" She sniped.
And she kicked his foot out, closing the door in his face, shying herself away from him.
Jax Teller, Ladies and Gentlemen, the guy you wanted to bring back home to meet your grandma, and probably fuck your cousin...
She grunted, yet didn't do it completely out loud as she hadn't heard him go away. She could still see his profile in the crack of the window. She couldn't believe his nerve.
She decided she didn't have too, actually. She was here for a surgery. Time to let Teenage love sick-Tara back in her chest, where she had taken residence, and let the badass surgeon who had teachers fighting among themselves to be the one who would be her mentor come out.
She went to the bathroom, and lifted up her shirt.
She looked at the crow, from this weird angle. It was still there, even if she had wanted too, she never had had enough money to have it removed. Yet, right now, right fucking now, she was glad it was there. It was a reminder of a girl she had been, and it was a warning to the woman she wanted to be now, some sort of cautionary tale.
She kept on rubbing the flesh, almost like she was caressing the bird. They had a long history together, and it stood for so many things...
When she got back in the bedroom, she saw that Jax had finally left.
"I'm a surgeon," she said out loud, "and go fuck yourself Jackson Teller."
It was as good a creed as anything else. She hoped she wouldn't have to see him again.
She tried, at least. When it came to success, the jury was still out, out of pity for her, as the verdict was so obvious.
Fuck Charming, fuck the Teller Sunny Boy. Hail to the Surgeon Queen.
This time, she almost believed it so she kept on saying it, over and over again, and it soothed her, as well as the burn on her back.
When she had been younger, she had thought she would be Queen of Charming as she was dating Charming royalty.
She was a Queen, alright, just not his, and she was fine with that.
