Stamping on Butterflies
Chapter Two
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"Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day." ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
The saddest thing about Betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from Friends and loved ones. - Unknown
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The following week wasn't as bad as it could have been, but that wasn't to say it was a bundle of fun either.
As I was the same age and would be in the same academy year as Hinata, the clan thought that it was best for us both to start to learn to fight at the same time. I would be her sparring partner. Neji, however, would continue on with his lessons with our father separately but observe Hinata and I train; watching over us silently. He now had the honour of being Hinata's protector, but with this honour was the price of the clans curse seal.
Neji hadn't returned until nightfall after we had left him in the care of the main house. I had stayed up late to wait for him to come back, but had failed to keep myself awake for long enough. I was curled up in a ball on his bed asleep, yet awoke when he lay down in the bed next to me silently and turned on his side to go to sleep.
He didn't say a word, but the fact he didn't ask me to go back to my own room spoke volumes.
He and I had never shared a room but I wouldn't deny the fact that I had, on a few occasions, snuck into his room in the middle of the night and made him scoot over to make room for me. I guess if I had a mother in this world I would have sought comfort from her, but as it was I didn't and Neji was as good as I would get for reassurance. In the past year of being in this world I had begun to dream more and more about the past; my past. Not only this but I had also dreamt, over and over again, what was supposed to play out in the Naruto-verse storyline.
One particular reoccurring dream was Neji's death. This was usually when I found myself crawling in bed next to Neji at three in the morning with tears streaming down my face and looking for comfort. I mean, I had bawled my eyes out in my previous life the first time I saw it happen and that was when he was still a fictional character. But now he was no longer some character on some show; he was my brother. And God dammit if I was to ever let something like that happen to him again I wouldn't be a very good sister.
After that night Neji wore a bandage over his forehead.
He let me see the seal once and only once, and that was the next day when I had woken to find him simply staring into the mirror on his dresser. He touched it absentmindedly and I had to remind myself that this was just a four-year-old child. He had to grow up so fast. For all Neji's loyalty and youth he was still a genius and therefore, when I saw the dark look in his eye, I wasn't that surprised. He understood the significance of the curse seal and what it would mean for his future. He wasn't happy about it but he would live with it. Yet if he was this unhappy about it now it was no wonder that in canon, by the time he was twelve, he was festering such deep hatred for his clan.
When he caught my eye, the rest of me still buried in the sheets of his bed and hidden under his pillow, his expression softened. He looked back to the mirror, placed the bandage on his forehead, and went to brutally dragging me from the warm cosy bed. I went kicking and screaming, of course, simply for the fun of the drama. But it made him smile, just a little bit, and that was worth the horse throat and the action of being physically dumped onto a cold, wooden floor. Just.
That day was the first time I realize how dam hard being a ninja was going to be. I was to train with Hiashi alongside Hinata and he started us with gentle exercises – I'm still convinced it was to lull us into a false sense of security. From then on it was jam-packed with Katas that caused your body to bend in unexpected ways and make you push yourself to the limit. It would seem, however, that I was much better at it than Hinata was. She frequently tripped and stumbled and was so unsure of herself I was convinced she would jump at her own shadow given the chance.
Not going to marry a Nara then, I thought sardonically.
But then again she was, just like myself, three. Quite frankly this was an awfully large amount of pressure to put on a three year old. I mean we both had a couple years until we were to join the academy anyway, and half the students would be civilians and would have no clue what a left foot kick even looked like. Okay nor did I at this point either but it was still a fair assessment. Intelligence told me that Clan kids would be quick to pass through the academy and yet if I remembered the series correctly it would seem that none of the Rookie nine or Gai's team passed before they were twelve. Whereas someone like Kakashi was only five years old when he passed the graduation exam – which even for a shinobi village is a little excessive. I decided to voice my question to my uncle when we had settled down for lunch. Sitting next to Neji and accepting one of the pre-prepared bento boxes from him, I turned to the clan head.
"Hiashi-sama?" I questioned in my childish voice. He looked over to me with a gentle expression. It turned out that Hiashi was actually a very mild mannered man, with pressures on his head that he was reluctant to have. He was, in essence, what Hinata would be if she ever became clan head. This was more than mildly surprising.
My impression of Hiashi in the Naruto series was a harsh, abrasive person who didn't expect anything other than the best from everyone - much like my father seemed to be. However he was nothing of the sort. When I had gone to my first lesson with my Uncle I had witnessed in unrepentant astonishment how gentle he was with his daughter when she made a mistake, and reassuring he was when she looked frustrated. When he smiled down at his daughter lovingly my mouth actually hung open in amazement. Neji quickly closed it for me before anyone could see, and I schooled my features to polite interest.
What changed to make Hiashi so cold? Was it Hinata's weakness… or something else?
My brother's look clearly said that I was to not say a word about Hiashi's behaviour. My expression was equally as dry and Neji simply quirked an eyebrow in amusement. I almost stuck my tongue out at him but decided against it. He had recently started to pinch me every time I did something socially unacceptable.
"Yes Nanami?" Hiashi replied kindly.
"Why do some people pass the academy exam earlier than others?" Neji and Hinata looked at Hiashi in interest as well. It was a good question.
"Well…" he began, thinking as he took a bite of his lunch. It would seem that Hiashi enjoyed teaching very much. His back would stiffen and his tone would change into a professionally interested manner, just like a scholar might do. I thought, not for the first time, that Hizashi and Hiashi were born the wrong way round. Hiashi should have been the younger brother and I would bet my life that he would have become an academy teacher or jonin-sensei in a heartbeat. "In times of war a ninja village requires more shinobi than usual to both perform missions and fight on the front lines. As you can imagine there are a considerable amount more casualties during a war and so, in these events, the academy graduation limits are significantly reduced. Otherwise, the graduation age in Konoha is twelve."
"But what if they were a genius like Neji?" I questioned in childish exuberance. Neji reached out and pinched me on the arm painfully. I swatted and glared at him as I rubbed my now-sore skin, and saw a small bit of colour rise subtly onto his otherwise expressionless face. Aww he's embarrassed! I cooed in my head. But wait, when did Neji grow any modesty?
Hiashi just smiled at our antics and answered smoothly. "There are rare exceptions of course, when the child in question is a pure genius. Take Uchiha Itachi for example, he graduated last year at only seven."
The conversation continued on after that but I was hardly paying attention. As soon as I heard that name my mind went blank. Uchiha Itachi. Now there was a problem that I wouldn't be able to solve. How could I have forgotten such an integral part of the Naruto plot?! If that one event, if only the massacre wouldn't occur, so much could be different it would be beyond thinking about. The future would no longer be predicable, but that would just make me like everyone else anyway. And with the Uchiha clan still alive they could have a huge impact on the success of the hidden leaf village. The sharingan wasn't considered the most powerful dojutsu for nothing.
That evening I started a journal. I needed to organise my thoughts effectively and remember all the details from what I could remember of the show. It was a long time ago I had watched them and grew bored waiting for the next episode to come out, so I never saw the ending. But that hardly mattered, for if I could change things from the beginning then everything would turn out alright… probably.
All night I stayed up recording my memories into the leather bound book I had been given by Neji months ago. He said he had no need for such an object and that I could do with it whatever I wished. It was tiring work and I only managed a third of the story before drifting off to sleep.
Over the next week I managed to complete it and found a neat hiding place under a floorboard under my dresser. The hiding place was almost unnecessary though as I had written the whole book in English. Risky, I know, but I was going for the fact that, without a Rosetta stone to translate my childish scrawl, no one was going to know what it actually said. My journal was safe – for the time being.
The training was certainly effective and Hiashi introduced me to my own fighting style. You see although Hyuuga members without the Byakugan were rare they weren't unheard of and so previous generations with my 'disadvantage' had made a special alteration of the gentle fist to incorporate a boe staff instead of, well, fists. The staff I began to use was a simple bamboo stick, slightly taller than myself, but still hurt when you got hit over the head with it. Hiashi, for all his gentleness, told me not to hesitate when I went in for the hit. Nevertheless, having been brought up in my first life within a society which frowned upon violence it was slightly difficult to recondition myself to being okay with causing someone else pain. Especially a three year old and one as sweet as Hinata.
But in return for my insubordination I was on the receiving end of Hinata's fist and had to make do with a swollen nose for the rest of the week. She may have been three but damn could that girl hit. So I learnt pretty quickly that this world was all about the philosophy of 'Kill or be killed.' I didn't want to die and I wasn't the type to sit on the moral high ground for the sake of it. Self-righteous people annoyed me. So when I got over that little hiccup I found that I was actually a natural with the staff. Not surprising, I suppose, considering that the one-day-Hyuuga-genius was my brother.
Unfortunately the blisters were horrible. The more I used the staff the more raw my hands became. Hiashi reassured me that as time grew on I would grow calluses on my palms and the skin would become tough and strong. But, for this to happen, I had to go through night after night of bloody bandages that my brother very gently bound for me. He told me I was being brave and promised to buy me a pair of black leather, fingerless gloves for my next birthday. The thought made me smile and after that I didn't so much mind the blisters.
Not only was I taught to use the boe staff but also in the true Hyuuga tradition I began my education on the body's pressure points and weaknesses. Hinata had slightly different lessons to me, as she required the Byakugan to find the body's tenketsu points, whereas I was taught how to disable muscles with a particularly skilful jab in the right place. It was harder than the boe staff and involved a lot of studying of the human anatomy, which I rather struggled with, but at the same time it expanded my Japanese vocabulary and made me a more coherent child. Although Neji didn't show it I knew he was proud of my progress.
As my fighting skills grew so did my relationship with Hinata. I will not deny that I have a slightly overbearing personality and therefore would accidently drown her out in my ramblings and laughter; yet she didn't seem to mind and even seemed to find my antics entertaining. Once I figured that Hiashi didn't mind shows of emotion it was a challenge I set myself every day to make her laugh. This would frequently receive a pinch from Neji for good measure as my attempts got more and more imaginative, but he couldn't deny the small smile that would grace his lips as he tried to hone in his own amusement. I liked making people laugh - it was a good feeling.
Plus, this place needed all the good cheer it could get.
I found out from my father midweek, when he sat and ate with us for the first time in quite a while, that the only reason Hiashi had been so attentive with Hinata and me over the last few days and the days to come, was due to the peace treaty situation. Hiashi thought it best to keep the youngest, and therefore most vulnerable, of the clan together and under his watch while Kumo-nin were around.
Wise move, I thought cynically.
Four days into my training I witnessed my father and uncle spar for the first time. They were even more fluid than the two we had witnessed before, and made the other fight seem like child's plays.
As I watched I noticed it was hard not to see the battle of wills raging between the two brothers. I had known that my father held great resentment to the main house, but I was also aware that Hiashi was a strong leader, despite his dislike for the responsibilities, and demanded respect on the deepest of levels. The battle was long; the brothers almost matching one another in skill. But near the end it was clear who the victor would be and my father left the fight with great wounded pride and a sore heart. Hiashi was kind but he wouldn't throw a fight simply to spare the other opponent. He was the better fighter and there was no use hiding it.
Hizashi came and sat between Neji and me on the mat within the dojo. Hiashi instructed me to study the new katas in the scrolls he had given me the previous day, while he demonstrated to Hinata hers. While I sat and read I felt a slither of killing intent ripple through the man next to me. I looked up at my father and saw his eyes flicker from the band on Neji's forehead to Hinata, and watched as his byakugan activated without his notice. The look was a dangerous mix of jealousy and bitterness. I felt nothing but pity for Hizashi in this moment. He had been second his whole entire life, cursed with the caged-bird seal which meant he could be controlled and put down. I felt my own resentment bubble in the pit of my stomach at the injustice of the situation for my father and brother. They were nothing more than slaves to their clan; not misplaced loyalty but forced subjugation. I hated the clan for their dojutsu and felt guilty for the fact I had escaped this fate undeservingly.
Before I could blink my father was on the floor, withering in pain, his hands clutching his head and his mouth open in a silent scream. Hizashi's byakugan was slowly receding and soon there were no more visible veins around his eyes. As quickly as it had started it was over and Hizashi lay panting in a heap at the feet of his elder brother. I could only stare with horror at the broken man. Neji was near to tears, his hand reaching out in front of him with a cry for his father on the tip of his lips.
"I hope you can learn Neji, unlike your father, where your loyalties lie." The tone was not cruel or mocking but gentle and full of deep regret. I understood where he was coming from, I really did. He was the head of the clan and would not tolerate disloyalty. He must treat all of his subordinates the same way, and as is the job of the branch family to protect the main, he must make sure this tradition is up held. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
And yet I hated him for it. I hated this stupid clan and its stupid rules and its stupid, stupidness. Mature, I know.
I felt like running away in this moment. They wouldn't kick up too much of a fuss after all, considering I didn't have the Byakugan. I could leave this pretend life behind and find the real world. I almost turned in on myself in self-pity in that moment, until I heard my uncle speak once more.
"I will not tolerate this again Hizashi." With these words he left the Dojo, beckoning for Hinata to follow, which she did, although hesitantly, as she glanced back at us with a silent apology.
In that one glance from Hinata all my anger evaporated. I was never very good at holding onto anger, and here I understood the situation far too well to be able to blame one single individual. I looked over to my brother who sat on his knees and had his head boeed to hide his emotions from the world. I knew that he was feeling exactly the same as me. But he couldn't let that show for, like his father, it could be his undoing.
Father's eyes had followed his brothers retreating form until it was out of sight. He was no longer on the floor but once again sat in a straight-backed lotus position. His eyes shifted to Neji and caught his down turned head. When he caught sight of his son his expression went cold and I didn't like that look in his eyes; it was disappointment and detachment.
Why would Hizashi be disappointed in Neji? To anyone who didn't know the boy as well as I did, they might mistake his down turned head for shame. Hizashi must believe Neji is ashamed of him.
I wanted to desperately rectify the situation, yet it would seem the damage had already been done. Hizashi stood quickly and headed for the exit, not once glancing back at his children. Neji looked up in surprise but didn't utter a word, the endless lessons on manors Suki had drilled into his head preventing him from speaking to his father at a time like this.
I, however, had no such qualms. I jumped up, chasing after Hizashi with my little legs and grabbed onto his Kimono with my chubby fingers. He stopped, just like the other day, and looked down at me. This time there was no gentleness; only cold disdain.
I wanted to say something, anything, but the words got caught in my throat. He didn't give me time to recover and stepped away from me as if I was not even there. I let my fingers run through the silk of his clothes as he left.
Something had changed here today. I didn't know what it was, but I felt a cold foreboding crawl up my spin.
!
The end of the festivities was drawing near and I became more and more aware what that ending would mean. The night that the kidnapping would happened I came and found Neji and slept next to him, hugging his arm tightly.
"Neji? Are you awake?" I asked stupidly.
"No," he replied in a muffled voice. He wasn't trying to be funny, Neji didn't have a sense of humour, but I laughed anyway at his attempt to get me to be quiet. I felt slightly hysterical at this point.
"I have a bad feeling about tonight," I whispered into the pitch black.
The day had been the same as any other. I had spent most of it training with Hiashi and Hinata. Hiashi had informed us that after today he would not be the one to train with us and would only teach us here once a week where he would witness us fight and monitor our progress. Neji and I had been expecting such an announcement, as we had known for a while that the training had been simply to keep an eye on us while the Shinobi from cloud were around. An understandable precaution that would not be needed once the Kuma-nin had left the village.
We accepted this easily enough and went back to training. However my heart was not fully into it and I paid the price with a sore tailbone when I landed one too many times on my behind. I had a feeling that Hiashi wasn't paying attention much to our instructions either and would have called it a day had he not needed to keep an eye on us. There was clearly something troubling him and I would have bet anything it was the incident with Hizashi.
After supper that evening Neji and I were instructed not to leave our rooms. I figured that, as it was clouds last night in Konoha, the clan probably suspected that if they were to try something then it would be tonight. I knew that only one person was in danger and that was Hinata. But I was three years old and could hardly hold my boe-staff without dropping it, let alone fight off the head ninja of cloud. And if I were to mention to someone that Hinata was in danger they wouldn't even take me seriously, and would probably tell me not to worry because everything was taken care of.
Being a child again really sucked.
Thus I found myself in Neji's bed wide-awake and terrified about the outcome of the night. I felt my brother shift next to me and turn to his face in my direction.
"You have nothing to worry about you don't even have the byakugan," he tried to reassure me but that was hardly the issue at hand here.
"But what about Hinata?!" I cried out in frustration. I could vent to Neji, he wouldn't mind. Probably.
Neji signed and looked at me in his dead serious expression. "Hinata is perfectly safe in her room surrounded by Branch family members whose jobs it is to protect her. She will be-"
Before he could finish his train of thought a loud commotion was heard in the courtyard leading to the main house. Neji's room was on the ground floor and his window was just around the corner from said courtyard. I jumped at the noise and scrambled out of bed, latching onto the window frame and pulling myself up to glance across the garden. I couldn't see any people but there were shadows dancing across the grass as members of the Hyuuga clan were in a frenzy of worry.
"Nana!" Neji whispered in surprise, a delayed reaction if there had ever been one. I could tell how thrown off he was by both my actions and the noise outside (because of his use of my nickname instead of my full name). But he didn't continue and instead got out of bed and stood next to me by the window. We were silent as we tried to gather snippets of information of what was going on outside.
"She was taken!"
"He killed him?"
"We must tell the Hokage immediately."
The conversations continued but we didn't have time to listen to any more as the door opened and our father stormed in. He looked slightly panicked when he didn't see Neji immediately in bed but relaxed when he saw the both of us standing by the window, relief obviously washing through him.
"Father what happened?" Neji asked, worried. At this Hizashi took a step forward and grabbed Neji by the shoulders. Then I witnessed something I had never seen before as Hizashi bent down and gave Neji a kiss on his forehead. An ordinary gesture for a normal father, but Hizashi didn't do affection. Neji seemed to be even more shocked than I was and if he had any less control of his emotions his mouth would have been hanging open in astonishment of the situation. He repeated the gesture with me and then stood back to examine us both.
Neither of us dared say a word. His eyes were full of… regret? I didn't understand at first, my mind still reeling at the display of affection, when it dawned on me. He knew what would happen and he was ready to give his life for his brother. He may have had years of built up, valid, resentment towards his elder brother, but that didn't mean he didn't love him. They were brothers and I was sure that, no matter what, they would go to the ends of the earth for each other.
I couldn't help it. I started to cry. Not the childish wailing of a three year, but the quiet mourning of a child who was about to lose their father. Tears were streaming down my face, but I remained silent. I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. I wanted to hug my father and tell him not to do it; that there had to be another way. I wanted to run away, faster and further than I had ever wanted to before, to simply just remove myself from such a hopeless situation. But I didn't. I just stood there and cried.
Hizashi held no scorn in his eyes for my tears. Instead he looked at me and gave a small, reassuring smile. His eyes glanced between his children, full of so much loss.
"I hope I have been a good father to you." He looked down and, although his expression did not change, I could almost feel the emotion welling up inside him. "Follow your duty children; for it is not a curse, but a privilege."
And he left.
I dropped to the floor and cried like I could never remember crying before. I don't think Neji understood what was happening, but at some point during my sobbing he must have moved me to the bed. I don't remember even falling asleep. I just cried at the whole damn situation and clung to my brother like he might disappear any second.
!
Neji and I were awoken early the next morning and informed of our father's death.
It was a near heartless recollection of the news. We were informed that he had handed himself over to the Kuma-nin, in his brothers place, in revenge for their fallen leader that Hiashi had killed, and had fulfilled his duty to protect the clan head. We were told that we should be proud of his sacrifice.
It was Neji's turn to cry now. I had used up all my tears the previous night and now just felt numb and tired. I tried to comfort my brother but he wouldn't let me, lashing out in his grief and pushing me away with all his will. He needed to be angry at something, anything. I didn't mind being on the receiving end for his emotions needed an outlet before he could supress the resentment deep within his heart. He wasn't like that for long and soon enough he was sitting on his bed, head boeed and breaths even. His face was the perfection of emotionlessness.
I knew I couldn't do much for him, apart from be there if he needed me. I needed him to know he was not alone. So I sat next to him, on the bed, and took one of his hands in mine. He held on to my hand like I had held onto him the previous night - as if I would disappear off the face of the earth if he let me out of his sight. His hand held so tightly onto mine that the whites of his knuckles were showing and my hand grew more and more painful from the pressure. His face remained blank of any feeling, but I knew it was there, and so held his hand just as tightly back.
I understood what my father had done. I would have done the same for Neji.
Nobody came to find us until lunchtime. We were informed that there would be a memorial that evening in honour of our father's memory and that we should dress in our best clothing to attend. It seemed they wanted to get the whole situation over and done with, to forget the whole incident and be done with it. There was no body to prepare for a burial as the Kumo-nin had taken it when they left, and so a simple stone was erected in the courtyard to honour the second sons sacrifice. The Hyuuga clan could not show weakness in the loss of a comrade. The mourning would be quick and done with within the day, and that was that.
Neji and I stood hand in hand at the front of the crowd alongside Hiashi, Hinata and her mother. No one said anything. Hiashi didn't seem to want to, silently battling with his emotions. Both Neji and I were too young in the clan's eyes to say our piece, and so we remained silent as well. Everyone was very grave, but strangely enough, none more than Hinata's mother. She looked at the memorial with a pale complexion and a look that wanted to cry but held it in at all costs. She was quick to leave when the ceremony was over, giving her condolences to us quickly and without making eye contact. Hinata followed behind her dutifully, but did manage to give me a small, sad smile. I appreciated it.
Neji did not engage with anyone that approached us, he simply nodded and ignored their questioning. I covered for him as effectively as I could but people just gave me an understanding smile and false, sympathetic words.
Most of those who had gathered to pay their respects had drifted off to get back to their duties. It was when there were few people left to witness the encounter that Hiashi approached Neji and I to give us his regrets. I understood that he must have been in as much pain as we were and so I was prepared to offer comfort to the clan head. Before I drew my eye from the memorial stone to look at my uncle, however, Neji stepped in and addressed my Uncle first.
"Hiashi-sama," Neji said with respect.
"Neji and Nanami," Hiashi said in reply. His voice was grave and deep, so much unlike its usual, much more cheerful sound. Almost like a different person, and yet grief can do that to people. "I can only offer you my deepest regrets for your father's death."
"Don't worry Hiashi-sama," I said to the floor with a tragic smile. I looked up at him with kindness and an open heart. They may have been Hyuuga but the brothers were close, even if their relationship was slightly strained nearer the end. "We understand we…" The breath was knocked out of me like it had never been before.
I met the eyes of my father with unconcealed shock.
He looked at me expectantly until he saw my expression and comprehension seemed to dawn on his face. He seemed to realize I had recognised him. I didn't know how everyone else seemed to miss it, or maybe everyone else knew and it was simply to up keep the image of the clan, but the man in front of me was without a doubt Hyuuga Hizashi.
I swallowed and looked down again, overcome by emotion. They switched. They switched!
This was beyond my comprehension. Neji finished the conversation with Hiashi and then quickly led me away from the courtyard, obviously concerned with my sudden muteness when I had been fine all afternoon. Before we rounded the corner I glanced back at my father and saw him looking at me with an odd expression. I couldn't pin point all the emotions playing across his face, this being one of the few times I had seen him this emotional, but the distinguishing one seemed to be fear. Fear of what, I couldn't say.
What I couldn't understand is why Neji hadn't noticed. He was so obviously our father and yet, no one else batted an eyelid at the fact a supposed dead man was walking around. I felt immense relief that he was alive, but at the same time also a deep sense of foreboding. What did this mean?
Obviously Hiashi had taken his rightful place as the one to die and Hizashi had taken over his brother's mantle. The death of a clan head with no immediate replacement was a huge problem in the shinobi world. Hinata was the heir but she would not be able to take her father's place until she was eighteen. The logical and most easy option would have been just for Hizashi to die in place of his brother, as horrible as that may be. But instead, in this crazy messed up world that seemed to have turned itself on its head, Hiashi had died and his younger brother was now the clan head.
If I was to guess, I would say that this situation would only be until Hinata came of age, but that was fourteen years away and Hizashi would have to pretend to be his brother for all that time. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty. Well, whatever was happening I had inadvertently allowed Hizashi to realize that I knew the clans new, dirty little secret, and I was sure that heads were going to roll. Metaphorical heads, of course.
All I wanted to know now was why they had swapped, and it wasn't long until I found out.
!
That evening I went to my own bed, realizing that both Neji and I needed some time alone with our thoughts after the horrors of the last few days. I put my nightclothes on and took my white ribbon out of my hair, putting it on my dresser next to my hairbrush. I just stood there in front of my mirror and studied myself. The black trousers of my pyjamas covered my bare feet and my hair now rested just past the base of my neck. My bright blue eyes contrasted with my straight jet-black hair, giving me an almost exotic look. Before I'd had blond hair and brown eyes… I had liked my brown eyes.
My hand reached up to my face and brushed against my cheek absentmindedly. At that moment I still had substantial amounts of baby fat, and I wondered idly what I would look like when my features sharpened. These mundane thoughts kept me distracted for a bit. I didn't want to think about today, it had been too difficult. I felt more emotionally drained than physically; my throat dry and my eyes heavy. I needed a rest, not only for the day but also for all the stress that came with being a member of this clan. With this clan and probably any clan really, there were always such great expectations.
Great Expectations. The memory of a book I had once studied at school skirted across my mind and I gave a slightly hysterical giggle. Throw a broken heart into this whole mess, like in that god-awful book they made us read, and I might have a psychotic breakdown.
It was sudden and unexpected and came with a sharp pain in my neck. Exhaustion hit me with all of its might and I felt my body begin to fall downwards. I knew instantly that someone had manipulated one of my pressure points, but could do little about it. I couldn't concentrate enough to put out my hands to catch myself and so braced myself for a painful impact. It never came however, instead I felt warm arms circle around me and pick me up, cradling me against a chest. Before my eyelids closed shut I looked up to my saviour and, for the second time that day, looked straight into my father's eyes.
They were full of so much pain, all directed at me, that I wanted to reach out and smooth away all the crinkles on his face.
You'll get worry lines, I thought stupidly, before unconsciousness claimed me.
!
I don't know how long I was asleep for, but when I awoke I had a horrible pounding in my head and my body felt heavy and useless. Not only this but a sharp tingling danced across the back of neck in painful bursts. With my eyes still closed I reached behind my head to try and soothe the pain, but as I lifted my arm I felt a hand close around my wrist and prevent the movement.
"You shouldn't touch it yet," a deep voice said.
I didn't recognise the voice at first due to the fogginess within my mind and the distracting pain at the top of my spine. Groggily, I opened my eyes and blinked until my vision was mostly clear and looked over to the owner of the voice. I wasn't surprised to see my father kneeling beside my bed, looking as if he hadn't got a wink of sleep in weeks. I looked towards the window and could just make out the beginnings of the predawn light trying to creep over the walls of the enclosure.
I swallowed thickly. My mind began to let me remember my last thoughts before I fell into unconsciousness and I once again closed my eyes - but this time it was in despair. I didn't want to open them, didn't want my father to confirm that he had done something unspeakable. I had been afraid of this happening, right from the moment I saw the fear in Hizashi's eyes when I had recognised him. I knew, but I had to ask anyway.
"What have you done?" My voice broke on the last word. I dared not open my eyes but I felt Hizashi let go of my wrist as if he'd been burnt.
"I had to do it," he whispered, his voice even more broken than mine. The emotion sounded strange and out of place coming from the man who had spent most of his life stoic and cold.
"Why?" I stressed the words with all the will I could muster. I felt hot betrayal sting my eyes and I squeezed them even more tightly shut, afraid I might start crying.
"The elders…" Hizashi drifted off as if unable to find the right words. I opened my eyes and sat up suddenly and without warning, all the blood rushing to my head at once. I had to steady myself by placing my hand on the floor beside me. I saw my father reach out in concern but stopped when I flinched away from him. His expression was strained and he swallowed heavily at my reaction, but I was too angry to care.
"What have you done?" I put as much hurt and hatred into those words as I could. I closed my eyes again and felt hot tears race down my cheeks. I don't want to know! I don't want to know!
But I had to. I could already feel it taking hold of me and I reached to the back of my neck once again to quiet down the sting that was slowly getting worse. However, Hizashi stopped me yet again from touching it.
"I told you, you shouldn't touch it yet. You could disrupt the chakra at this point, and I would have to do it again," his voice was stronger this time, but no less regretful. I yanked my arm free from his grip and turned my body completely to face him. I tried to look him in the eye but he avoided eye contact with me. My father never avoided eye contact with anyone, and this told me just how bad the situation was. I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Eventually he collected himself, took a steadying breath and looked me in the eye.
"The elders mentioned that it was a possibility that either you or Neji would recognise me when no one else would. My brother and I were identical twins, and because of this we shared practically the same chakra signature. The difference in chakra was so small that no one could possibly tell the difference between us. It was virtually impossible. The only distinguishing feature ever between us was my curse seal…" His voice faltered on these words and he looked away from me as he continued. "It can happen with children and parents on rare occasions. The close bond of blood that they share can mean that they can distinguish even the tiniest fluctuation in the others chakra network. This can mean, for example, that if a child is under the influence of the subtlest genjutsu in the world, then the parent can still detect it, no matter what. In the case here, you could tell I was not my brother.
"There would have been little problem in Neji recognising me, for he has the curse seal and we would be able make sure he could not tell a soul. You, however, were not under that kind of control." He looked at me once again, his expression grave.
"…Were…" I repeated, picking up on the past tense immediately. "Meaning that now…" Tears escaped from my eyes at the realization and I put my head in my hands.
Hizashi didn't say a word. He didn't need to. I was simply now just another slave, another pawn for the clan to do as it pleased. I was always so grateful to not be born with the Byakugan and be faced with a life of servitude. Now, however, it seemed I had no choice. I would do whatever they asked of me, because I practically had no free will of my own. My father, my very own father, had given me the very thing that had caused so much pain and bitterness in his own life.
"What does it mean?" I asked quietly, my question near muffled by my hands. I didn't want to look at him. I hate him!
"It…" I could hear Hizashi's own fight to hold in his emotions. "You have, imprinted on the back of your neck, a variation of the caged-bird seal. It means that you will never be able to tell a soul about my identity. You, the council of elders, Hiashi's wife and the Hokage, are the only ones who know. If this knowledge was to get out, it could mean political repercussions beyond our control." I couldn't deal with this information right now. So I asked what I had been wondering all afternoon.
"I don't understand why you are..? You were going to your death; I saw it in your eyes."
"My brother refused to let me die for him. He wouldn't listen to reason. His word is law in our clan and he decided to give his own life. The fool!" The last words were spat venomously and I looked up to see him turning his head away. Underneath my hatred I felt pity well up inside me. The man sitting before me was still a slave to his destiny, and couldn't even find solace in choosing his own death. He had even been forbidden to save his own brother. That had been taken away from him as well. I looked away to give him some privacy with his own despair.
"And your own curse seal?" I asked in a gentler voice, yet no less biting.
"I can only tell you this because of your own curse seal. Anything I tell you in confidence you will be physically unable to communicate to another person, unless I give you permission to do otherwise. What I am about to tell you is one of the most closely guarded secrets of the Hyuuga clan; there is a way to be rid of the seal." I breathed out a sign, expecting this answer. In those few words alone were the answers to the freedom of all past, present and future branch family members. It was a sickening thought.
We sat quietly for a few moments. And then the stinging in my neck began to increase ten fold and I couldn't help but let out a whimper at the pain. It was near blinding. I took deep, purposeful breaths. It was all I could do not to be sick and spill the contents of my stomach across my futon. I couldn't tell what was happening, all I could register was the pain, but I did recognise two big strong arms reach for me and hold me tightly. I wanted to push away, to scream at him to let go, but the pain was terrible and he was reassuring, and so I just cried into his kimono from the pain; both physical and emotional.
He was stroking my hair and whispering apologies over and over again. I had never thought that the ridiculously composed man could ever let himself go.
Well it doesn't matter now, I thought with all the bitterness in the world, it's not like I can tell anyone.
My heart hurt at the harsh words I had thought. He was in just as much pain as I was.
After an immeasurable amount of time the pain abated and I pushed away from Hizashi. He let me go and stood up, looking down at me with an unreadable expression. I couldn't meet his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. I believed him, but that didn't make me hate him any less.
"No," I said in my grief ridden state, tired and drained. It was all too much and I just wanted to sleep. He waited for me to say more, and when I didn't he turned away from me and headed towards the door, his footsteps silent as a proper ninja's should be.
Yet, before he went I whispered into the darkness breathlessly, "You've taken away my freedom. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for this." With these words I lay back down and turned my back on my father, facing away from the door.
He left without another word.
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