Disclaimer I do not own Death Note or any of its associated Characters or fictional locations. The format for Near's guide to High School belongs to Skyskater.
Lesson One: Never Give BB a Jam Jar.
Authors Note: Hello again, alrighty the first challenge we have comes from Skyskater herself! Read and enjoy
I. Hate. My. Life.
I don't know why people so enjoy reading about my pain but for some reason you depraved nut-cases decided to screw around with my life for what will be doubtlessly the first of many mind-bending tortures inflicted by the fandom.
I assume, since you're actually reading this, then you'll want to know what happened to make me so bitter. Apart from the fact that MRegent.2 had the brilliant idea to put me through this- aren't I supposed to be his favourite character?- all hell broke loose in the classroom.
Now, considering that this is the Death Note version of Hitsugaia's Guide to High School, you people probably expecting something like this to happen. In fact you would probably be surprised if something like this didn't happen, but there were several factors in this case which made things especially painful.
The first thing that happened was the delivery, I was just sitting around minding my own business and trying to avoid being seen by the two straight-jacket jobs on either side of me, both of whom will probably rape Light at some point, possibly at the same time. The teacher was trying to teach above Mello and Matt's extremely loud lovemaking at the front of the class and Light and L had moved their desks a few inches closer to each other.
Just out of curiosity, how did you people get a pairing out of those two? I mean, Light's trying to kill L! And how is trying to convict someone for mass homicide a way of saying 'I love you'!
No, wait, I probably don't want to know.
Finally Mikami, in case anyone cares (which I highly doubt), was currently muttering delete every few seconds and writing into a Death Note. Oh, and, just in case you were wondering, Ryuk is here as well along with the rest of the Shinigami. I'm a bit worried about them. I mean if you have the power to phase through physical objects and pass into another world then why the hell would you stick around to see Matt and Mello have an all-day orgy on a desktop? Unless they're all secretly gay. I really hope they're not... come on, think about it! They could be watching you in the bathroom and you wouldn't even know it- imagine Ryuk staring at you on the toilet!
Do you comprehend the horror of it?
About two minuets after the teacher came in, looked around and promptly fainted at what was happening at the front of his class- I believe that it was only party due to the fact that two teenage boys were having 'relations' with each other with more force than the average boxing match and more to do with Mello's spork fetish- and was quickly dragged out and replaced by a more resilient substitute (they must have read the class list and prepared for the worst) a knocking came from the class door.
The substitute opened the door, revealing a delivery man with a large package behind him, "is there a Rue Ryuzaki here?" the man asked in hill-billy accent, despite the fact that he was obviously Japanese. L tore his eyes from Light (who pouted at this loss of attention) and ran over to the delivery man, shoving the substitute out of the way. "I'm Rue Ryuzaki".
"Good," the delivery man got L to sign something and ran off. That, ladies and gentlemen, was my first clue as to what was going to happen. Unfortunately I was too preoccupied in keeping my head down so that Kira's Fangirls wouldn't kill me... or worse. And, believe me, Fangirls can think of much worse things than Death. This fic for example. (The idea came from a girl).
L pulled this big industrial trolley into the room. It was stacked with with flat objects wrapped in brown paper. He grabbed one off the top and ripped the paper off, revealing a giant lollipop.
I stared.
Light gaped.
Even Mello and Matt stopped their fifteen minute marathon with a spork for a second before going back to spraying the desk with bodily juices.
L stared at the lollipop for a few seconds, then he.. well I don't know how to describe it really. All I know is that one second L is looking at a giant Lollipop, the next there's a giant Lollipop handle sticking out of his mouth. May I point out that his head was in no way enlarged.
For those of you who don't quite grasp the impossibility of the situation lets me explain in small words.
L was sucking on a Lollipop.
Said Lollipop was at least six times the size of L's head.
L's head and body were exactly the same as before.
Am I the only one who actually thinks this is strange?
Suddenly Beyond Birthday stood up (and I thought L's name was retarded. I mean, be honest, what kind of parents would name the their children 'L' or 'Beyond'? I'm pretty sure that counts as abuse!) and ran over to the packages, picking up a smaller one. He quickly tore off the covering, revealing a tightly sealed jam jar.
Beyond smiled.
I admit it, maybe the whole 'Kira's girlfriends will kill me if I move' thing was a good enough excuse for staying where I was after the lollipop thing but, I have to admit, not running at this point was not my most brilliant move.
Beyond held the Jar in reverence. "All behold the Jam of prophecy! It has come to save us from our sins!" He suddenly ran out of the classroom laughing like a Shinigami. I made a mental note to run as far from the school as possible the first chance I got. Not that it would have made much difference. I'll be mature here, I may be the single greatest mind the world has ever seen but I can't run to save my life, as you will doubtlessly find out repeatedly as long as this hellish fic continues. Yes, petty fools, Near is not perfect, just brilliant, attractive, funny, etc., etc.
Anyway the bell finally rang and I was able to leave. Unfortunately because of a certain sadistic author everybody has the same classes.
THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
Now that I've got that out of my system I have another question. How come the majority of my class is over twenty and still in school? I could understand Matsuda being here but Light and Watari? One's a genius and the other's older than the school! Unfortunately NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME! Matt and Mello didn't look at me, but in all fairness the only people they were looking at were each other. They probably trying to work out a way of having a six-hour long marathon without the school bell interrupting (it took six people to pry them apart for the next class).
I never made it to my next class.
Now, I'll bet you're all wondering what ever happened to BB and the Jam Jar. I had the horror of finding out as soon as I passed the oval on my way. In the centre of the oval BB had somehow managed to erect a Stonehenge with the Jam Jar on the altar, completely disregarding anything as immaterial as the laws of physics that, quite clearly, say it's PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for him to have been able to erect a Stonehenge in so short a time.
BB appeared from behind one of the stone columns dressed in a white robe he had probably stolen from a costume store and proclaimed: "Hear me now, heathens, the Jam of the prophecy has arrived! It is not too late to be saved! Come join me in worship of the Holiness that is Jam!"
The group stood still for a few seconds. I wasn't surprised. I mean even a nut-case like Light would find a religion based on Jam weird.
Right?
WRONG.
I don't know how it happened. One moment I'm standing on the sidelines, silently praying for a quick death before Light's future rapists notice me and the next I'm standing the stone circle with the rest of the school (how did they manage to fit over 500 people in that one stone henge anyway?) dressed in a white robe.
"The Jam of the Heavens has come to save us all!" the crowd cheered. I actually considered cheering with them, frankly anything that would get me out of this stupidity was worth applauding in my book. "The vile peanut-butter and other bread-spreads have long tempted us, but fear not! The Jam is merciful All it asks is that you give it your entire life-savings and spend the rest of your life in servitude to its glass-encased glory and you will be spared it's sticky wrath!" And I was reminded for the- what? Third time that day that THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THIS HELL!
Well, not from this hell, I should say. We're all forgetting something, aren't we? Jam or not, religion is still religion, and who do we know that has major god complex?
What? No Ideas?
"WHAT!?" It was at this moment everyone favourite basket-case Light decided to speak up. "How dare you challenge me, so-called 'Jam of the Heavens'! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY LAUGH OF DOOM!" He threw back his head and everyone ran for cover.
Then I heard what could only be described as the screams of hell coming from the stone henge.
A few seconds later I peeked from behind the stone column I had hid behind and saw three things.
One: Light was grinning his trademark 'exactly as planned' grin (he's a special kind of crazy).
Two: BB was crying.
Third: the 'holy Jam Jar of the Heavens' was now shattered into a million pieces, but it wasn't Jam seeping out. Yes, the 'Jam Jar of the Heavens' was apparently a mislabelled 'Pickle Jar of the Heavens'!
"NOOO!" Sobbed BB, "the holy Jam has forsaken us!"
Light waltzed up to the altar and picked up a pickle. "I'll take a pickle- AND EAT IT!"
BB kicked Light out of the way and stood up on the altar. I would like to point out that there was still glass and acidic pickle juice everywhere. "The Holy Jam has forsaken us for our sins! We must purge ourselves of all sin for its forgiveness!"
There is crazy, and there Light and BB. You've just lost the centre of your religion and you're still trying to sell people a Jam-based cult.
Who the hell would be stupid enough to fall for that!
"ALL HAIL JAM!" Oh wait- I forgot, I'M THE ONLY SANE ONE AROUND HERE!
"Let us go on a crusade top defeat the foul peanut better and it's salty comrades!"
"HOORRAYY! ALL HAIL JAM! ALL HAIL JAM!" And everybody besides me and Light's rape-club marched out from behind the stone henge columns and started marching around BB. BB grabbed L as he marched past and ripped out one of his hairs.
"This shall be our ultimate weapon! All behold the SACRED FOLLICLE OF JAM!"
"ALL HAIL JAM!" And it was at this point, Ladies and Gentlemen, that I lost any lingering molecule of respect toward my classmates. I mean, sure, Matsuda wasn't exactly the greatest idol in the world but at least he never wore a dress before. At least I'd never seen him in a dress before. And I had actually respected Mello at one point. Now he was wearing a dress and looking up Matt's skirt.
Yes, Matt was also in a dress.
"Follow me, O faithful ones, follow me to VICTORY!" That was BB, by the way.
"JAM! JAM! JAM! JAM!" And everybody followed him, complete with marching music! Oh, this shouldn't surprise you at this point, but the marching music was played on toy pianos! I don't know where they pulled them out from.
And so now I'm alone.
Well, except for Light and his Fan/Molestation club...
Oh dear.
27th of May 2009
The School Oval: Running for my life from Light and his Rape-Club.
The New High School of Hell.
Nate Rivers.
Authors note: Look people I've got exams for the next two weeks so don't expect much. But keep sending challenges or I won't be able to continue at all!
