Ch. 2 – Feel Again

Epov

Despite waking up alone and heartbroken, I held out hope that what transpired between Jasper and myself during our passionate night together would eventually bring him back to me.

I understood he was broken and not yet ready to take a chance.

Not Yet.

Patiently, I bided my time and waited for him.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I was eventually forced to accept our night together for what it was. To him… it was nothing more than a one-night stand. A simple means to a complicated end. He needed to forget. I was the willing sponsor of the refuge he desperately craved. I couldn't bring myself to blame him or spite him for taking from me what I willingly offered. He hadn't promise me anything beyond one night. It wasn't his fault our union meant so much more to me than it did him.

For me, our night was a life changer, though.

I will never be the same.

By summer, I was attempting to fill the void left by our short time together with meaningless one-nighters and backroom hook-ups, each one only leaving me feeling empty and even more frustrated.

Just as summer was turning to autumn I met Carlisle, a sweet and patient man ten years my senior. Carl is blond and hot as hell. An amazing lover, his experience and confidence in bed are an erotic combination. Easy going and fun to be with and so fucking intelligent, his mind boggles me more often than not, sparking inspiring conversations that on multiple occasions have practically gone on from dusk till dawn. One word sums him up… special. Carl is special.

Yet, not once has he invoked the passion or longing I felt for Jasper… that I still do. In other words, Carlisle is perfect for me.

We've spent increasingly more time together, yet I've maintained a safe distance and I plan on keeping it that way. If I don't give my heart away as I did to Jasper, I won't lose it again. Besides, I can't give away a heart that's no longer mine to give.

Carlisle feels more for me than I do him, I fear - though he's never said as much. He hasn't verbalized his emotions or intentions. I'm sure he knows I'm nowhere near there, yet. I hope he knows I may never be. But I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me with tenderness and longing. I feel it when he touches me or trembles when I touch him in return. I taste it on his tongue with every loving stroke his gives mine. I feel it when he moves inside me, baring his soul in my embrace. I look away each and every time.

I know he's been hoping, maybe even expecting me to invite him along to this Christmas party tonight, and I considered it... a lot. I want to please him and avoid hurting him. The thought of having him on my arm to face Jasper's presence is so very tempting, but something keeps holding me back. Or someone.

So here I stand in front of my mirror for the umpteenth time. I straighten my tie again, once more questioning if I should wear the red instead of the green, though the green brings out my eyes. Jade - as Jasper breathlessly murmured in my arms, gazing into them, into my soul.

I mess with my unruly auburn hair, unsuccessfully attempting to tame it. I brush the lint off my black suit again, though no lint remains to be removed.

You can do this. You can face him, I tell myself. You can hide the fact you fell for him; fell so fucking hard from just one night.

The short drive to the country club passes in a blur. Quite honestly, I don't know how I arrive safely, unable to remember the drive at all. Leaving my car with the valet, I take deep breaths, and force myself to enter the building. The place is decked out with white twinkling lights inside and out, with a massive tree decorated in red and gold in the lobby. It's surreal to enter here under these circumstances. I've always felt energized before, but this year I just feel nauseous.

Thankfully, I immediately spot my team near the bar. Making a bee-line to them, I throw myself into forced jovial conversation, refusing to scan the room for him. Despite my best efforts, within minutes my eyes are drawn to the far corner. I freeze at the gaze that intently returns mine.

It feels like forever before I'm able to avert my eyes, drag them from Jasper - as gorgeous as ever - still staring at me. I down my apple martini in one gulp and will myself to act normally, obviously failing miserably when Mike nudges my arm, "What the hell, man? You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Throughout dinner, my eyes continue to find his, always on me, beseeching and intense. I'm pathetic and relieved he isn't ignoring my presence as I'd expected he would. Finally forcing myself to take in his surroundings, to focus on something besides his enchanting form, I breathe a sigh of relief to see he appears to have attended alone. It would hurt like hell to see him here with a date, with anyone, especially Peter. I would have to beat the fucker to a pulp, even though we've never actually met.

As the party is picking up, people now tipsy and dancing, I excuse myself from the exhausting pretenses I've put on with my coworkers and head over to the bar for one more drink. Realizing I've probably had too many to drive, I contemplate calling a cab. The air shifts around me while I'm searching for a cab company on my phone. Looking up into the mirror that lines the wall behind the bar, I shiver at the sight before me – actually behind me. He's there, returning my gaze in the mirror. Without breaking eye contact, he takes the seat next to me. The weight of his intoxicating presence surrounds me, thick in each breath I attempt to take.

When I turn to finally look him in the eye, my breath hitches at the incredible sight before me. He is the essence of beauty and life, his eyes sparkling as they look me up and down. Gone is the broken man I spent the night with a year ago. Back is the force to be reckoned with I'd admired from afar each year before that.

He speaks in his low, smooth melodic voice, in hushed tones to ensure no one overhears. "Edward. It's so good to see you."

Biting on his lush lower lip, he seems to want to say more, so much more. He opens his mouth, releasing the pink lip mesmerizing me so, obviously trying to verbalize something. I am frozen in time, watching him… waiting. When he finally speaks, his words take my breath away.

"Can we please go somewhere more private to talk?"

His fingers twitch inches from mine; how I long to hold them. Or reach up and touch his face to ensure he is real, actually here, requesting my company.

But I remember. I can't forget, who he is. He is the man who left without a word. The man who left me alone and hurting, as he'd just been left.

Sensing my inner conflict, he rubs a hand over his face, then reaches up, running his long fingers through his soft waves. How I long to replace his fingers with my own, reacquaint my fingers with just how soft I remember his hair to feel- experience again how it feels in my gentle embrace during foreplay, or grasped in my fist during the height of orgasm. God, how I wish I could forget; yet simultaneously pray I never do.

Sighing, he continues, "I know I fucked up. I really fucked up last year and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Please just let me try to explain. Maybe… just maybe, if you hear me out you'll be compelled to give me a second chance?"

A second chance? He wants a second chance? A second chance to what? To reignite my passion for him, only to leave me ripped apart and bleeding, dealing with the overwhelming emotions he invokes, alone?

"Where do you want to… t-talk?" I stutter my response, because I know I won't be able to deny him if he wants to do more than just talk. I won't be able to deny myself what every cell in my body yearns for - his touch, his warmth, his moans and sighs in answer to mine. His body below me, above me. Finally, inside me.

"Can we go to your place?" he suggests, desperation evident in his faltering voice.

I visibly flinch at his request to return to my apartment, where we spent our time together last year. Where we made such sweet love. Where I comforted him, in turn giving him a piece of myself. Where he left me.

His hand finds my shoulder, gently kneading and rubbing. Warmth from his touch rolls through me, already beginning to fill in the void his absence left.

"I'm so sorry I ran like you like I did." He soothes me with sincere words. "I won't leave you, again."

What more is there to say?

We drive to my place in his car, a charged silence between us. He keeps stealing glances at me. I keep stealing glances at him. Once inside, we sit in my living room on opposite ends of the couch. I'm afraid to speak for fear of giving myself away. I can't imagine he knows the extent he affects me. He must know I would've started a relationship with him, that I cared for him. But does he know I gave him my heart and it still belongs to him? There's no way he can know that… is there?

Maybe I can keep him at arm's length this time.

And then it hits me. I've already decided there will be a this time.

Fuck… yes, if that's what he wants. I can't pass up another chance to be with him, even if he will disappear, again.

Jasper scoots closer and takes my hand in his. It feels so good, so right. He looks into my eyes, silently demanding my attention; asking me to listen to what he has to say.

"First, I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry I hurt you when you eased my pain like you did. My sweet Edward… the way I left you haunts me every day. I'm so fucking sorry, babe. I wasn't ready to face the new emotions you awoke inside me. I needed to put the emotions I still harbored for Peter to bed, first. Do you understand?"

I do; I understand why he left and what he needed. It feels so good to know he felt everything, too… the emotions swelling and pulsing between us, taking on a life of their own. To finally know I wasn't imagining our mutual experience.

I am left with no choice to make. To finally feel again, he's worth the chance. I squeeze his hand and nod, unable to contain the small but promising smile I feel forming on my lips.

He visibly relaxes, tension he's been holding in his posture dissipates before my eyes.

"But I also need to thank you, Edward. No one has ever treated me the way you did… so tender and loving with me like you were. I needed that so much right then. You restored my faith in men…my faith in love. You gave me exactly what I needed to get my shit together, to go get a fucking divorce, and to get on with my life without Peter. Thank you so much for that."

I don't know why I do it. I can't explain, but something in his voice compels me to stand without saying a word, pulling him up to stand beside me. We silently communicate my invitation, and his acceptance. I lead him down the hall to my bedroom, but once inside, he takes over; I relinquish all control to him. It's his turn to take care of me. His turn to show me.

After slowly undressing me and then himself, he lays me on the bed, hovering above me, gently touching his mouth to mine. We both moan when our lips and tongues reunite. Our hands quickly join in, desperately caressing. Relearning. Reclaiming.

Sensations rush back from every direction… the way he feels, the sounds he makes. His body above mine, blanketing me and the taste of his lips and tongue… it all comes back full force, dissolving the numbness I've lived with since he left. I can feel again.

Kissing his way down my body, he reaches my throbbing cock, moaning at the sight of me so hard and leaking for him. I return his moan when he envelopes me in his hot mouth, lost in the sensation of his gentle warmth and suction working me up and down, already bringing me to the brink of climax.

He releases me with a kiss, eliciting a whimper from deep within my chest. "I need you, Edward. Can I please make love to you?" Looking up at me, the need in his voice is palpable.

"Yes, god yes…" I practically beg in return, already reaching for the lube and a condom in the bedside table. He carefully prepares me while I stroke him long and slow, rolling the condom down his extensive length, slickening him with lube. All the while I'm writhing under his delicious attentions, quickly begging him to fill me, to give me the part of him I truly need.

He complies, taking his place between my legs, nudging the head of his cock against my entrance. He pauses above me to caress my cheek with a gentle hand, my face with his adoring gaze. Every breath we take mingles between us, beckoning us to give in to what our hearts crave. What our bodies need.

Claiming me, he enters my body with his, and my mouth with his tongue. As he deepens each stroke within, his tongue matches thrust for thrust in my mouth. We move together, meeting in perfect unison with every descent. The delicious ache grows, my need to come almost too much to bare.

In one graceful movement, Jasper rolls us so that I am above him. I immediately begin to grind up and down, overwhelmed by the feel of him inside me at this angle, by the sight of him below me. Fire burns in his eyes; his skin is flushed pink and his hair is splayed out around him on the pillow. He is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Unconsciously, I say it out loud.

"Beautiful…"

He dips his head and blushes before regaining his composure. But confident Jasper quickly returns. "That's it darlin', ride me. Show me… show me that you're mine."

"Yours, Jasper… it's always been you," I mutter, the last of my audible words. Moans and groans are all that now pass my lips as the fire kindles inside, so close to sending me into flames. Jasper reaches between us to stroke my swollen cock, and I am lost in the fire blazing through me. I paint him from navel to chin with the evidence of my rapture - he immediately follows, moaning my name laced with sweet obscenities, emptying long and fiercely deep inside.

Once our breathing calms and our hearts slow to a reasonable pace, I wipe my come from his body with tissues I've learned to keep beside my bed for nightly memories of our evening the previous year. I carefully remove the condom from his beautiful cock, blushing slightly with him watching me so intently. When I swallow my embarrassment and will myself to return his gaze, I see how much I mean to him in his endless pools of crystal blue. My pulse picks back up, it's just too much - because he's here with me, in my bed. I truly didn't think I'd see this particular color of blue ever again, or that it would gaze upon me, so ardently. I suddenly find it hard to catch my breath. Jasper gathers me in his arms, hushing me with whispers and kisses, until I calm down. He doesn't ask, because he knows. He just knows.

Over the next few hours, we cuddle and talk and make love again, until I'm unable to keep my eyes open any longer. Jasper holds me in his arms, snuggled behind me, running his fingers through my hair at the nape of my neck. As I drift off to sleep, I've almost forgotten the fear that I will be alone when I awake.

My next conscious thought is of sunlight warming my skin. The memories of last night flood my mind as I open my eyes, only to see the bed beside me bare.

"Fuck, not again."

"What's the matter, darlin'? Did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

A sigh of relief escapes me at the sound of his voice and the sight of him in the doorway to the adjoining bathroom. He's still here, in just a loosely wrapped towel, water droplets drip from his damp curls down his toned chest. My heart skips a beat and my mouth waters at the sight of him.

Overcome with relief and hope, I clear my throat and attempt nonchalance and a teasing pout. "No… I woke up in an empty bed."

"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" he coos, crawling up the bed, up my body. His towel falls open and I feel him already just as aroused as me. The only thing separating our hardening responses to one another being the thin Egyptian cotton sheet partially covering me. I moan into his mouth as his lips urgently claim mine, our tongues convening in a dance of give and take, want and need.

Breathlessly, he pulls away just far enough for our lips to still graze while he murmurs, "I made that mistake once… leaving you to wake up in an empty bed." He meticulously places kisses along my jaw, eliciting shivers in their wake. "I don't plan on letting that happen again. Well… not on weekends at least."

"Weekends? Are you asking me to reserve my weekends for you, Mr. Whitlock?"

He raises his head to return my gaze, his suggestive grin making my stomach flip-flop. "Why yes, Mr. Cullen, I am. But you may have to reserve weekdays for me too when I get the transfer I've requested."

"I don't know. I'll have to think about that. You see… I've been saving myself for someone special. I kind of gave my heart to him last Christmas, and he has yet to return it."

"Mmmmnnn… anyone I know? This lucky man who holds your heart?" He smirks, eyes sparkling with mischief.

It's time to let him back in, to pick up where we left off a year ago, as if we were never separated. I might as well lay my cards on the table, let the chips fall where they may…

"I think you do know him, actually. He's tall with an amazing body, and damn does he know how to use it. He has gorgeous wavy blond hair the color of a warm sandy beach and these blue eyes that take my breath away. And he makes me feel things I've never experienced before… in so many ways."

The mood shifts between us. Too many emotions to name grace his beautiful features. He visibly swallows hard, answering me with witty words that do not match his faltering voice. "Yes. He does sound very familiar."

Cupping his face, his eyes searching mine, I continue, "Well… if you see him, will you give him a message for me? Will you tell him he can keep my heart? Tell him it's his, it belongs to him. My heart has been his since the night we first met."

It's double or nothing and I'm all in. I'll be damned if I don't tell him exactly how I feel this time. I hold my breath, awaiting his reply. Will he take my bet or will he fold?

"As mine has been yours, Edward," he whispers, telling me with his soulful eyes and loving strokes of his fingers as much as with his husky voice. "And thank you for giving me your heart so selflessly, so genuinely… unconditionally. I knew it. I felt it, too. Though I didn't realize it right away, your heart ignited a spark in my damaged soul. A healing spark, Edward. You taught me to live again, to trust again, and to love again."

Our morning continues, so different from our morning-after a year ago. Our incredible, painful beginning – which eventually lead us to here and now. Our lives changed, our entwined destiny realized… since the night we first met.


Yeah… that took longer than I'd planned. Dinner turned into this and that. I couldn't get back to this until late and I had to get more involved with revisions I thought I was done with. Long story short, I have got to go bed. So I'll pick up with the boys' first Valentine's Day tomorrow.