Chapter 2: Discovered
AN: This is from Padfoot's pov.
Discovered
I have not slept more than an hour or two at a time in the past week and it was beginning to seriously get to me. How could I have betrayed Remus like I that? I could feel new tears start to stream out of my eyes. I had never been one to cry, it wasn't something that was encouraged at Grimmauld Place. "A Black does not cry. That is for lesser people." It was a saying I had heard my father repeat many times over.
It was one of the rules I had actually followed, so even when life was at its hardest, my eyes stayed dry. There were only a couple exceptions. The first was when Remus and I shared our first kiss on top of the astronomy tower. In the two days since Remus officially came out to us, James had been threatening me with every curse he knew until I told Remus how I felt about him. That night Remus and seemed restless and ended up leaving the common room, muttering something about getting some air. After several minutes James pulled out his wand and pointed it at me. "Go tell him you dirty mutt or you will be transformed into one of McGonagall's bras."
I shivered. If I wasn't gay before that I definitely would be now. I nodded and made my way to the tower. Remus was leaning on the rail, lost in thought.
"Remus, we need to talk." I said simply. I took a deep and steadying breath.
I started to pace, and to conceal my shaking hands I put my right hand running through hair. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." I stopped pacing and looked him in the eyes. I felt my mind begin to go off track. Every time I looked directly in his eyes I got lost in them. They were so warm and inviting and they pulled me in. At first I had tried to resist but now I was all too willing to sink into their depths.
"The fact is Moony is that I haven't had just friendly feelings for you in quite a while. Just over time I realized that when I looked at you my heart would gallop, my palms would get sweaty and generally all those nice signs of something deeper than friendship. The truth is…I love you Remus John Lupin and if you feel the same, I'd like to take you on a date this weekend, just the two of us." I continued to stare at him waiting for some kind of reaction…but there was nothing. He didn't run away nor did he run up and cover my sexy body in kisses. In fact, it rather looked like the lights were on but nobody was home.
I cleared my throat. "Moony…Moony…REMUS!" I shouted at the top of my lungs the last word. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?"
He looked scared and his voice was shaky when he responded. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" I rolled my eyes and cut across him. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"
I was feeling very frustrated by this point. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" Remus' response was terse. "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" I took a few steps closer to Remus until he was just a breath away. "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?" I put my arm around his waist and let my lips touch his. It was even better than I had imagined…and I had imagined it many, many, many a time. As I he started to kiss back I could feel a single tear escape my closed eyes. This was perfect.
But this week…this week and broken me. I cried more this past week than ever in my life, many times over.
I was running late that wretched night. The reason for my tardiness was a detention with McGonagall. For some random reason she didn't like the cat scratching post the Marauders and I had bought her. Since I was the one who presented it to her at the beginning of class, I had been singled out for the detention.
I was making my way through the entrance courtyard when I bumped into a man who had enough grease in his hair it could have supplied the world for eons. I did my best to ignore him; I had much more important things to do that deal with that hooked nose git.
"Black, why are you in such a hurry? Off to breed your bitch?" All thought of getting to the Shrieking Shack was gone. No one ever called Remus a bitch, especially when it was Severus Snape. I wheeled at him, pulling my wand as I did, but he was quicker. I had barley even thought of a spell than I was thrown against a wall of the castle.
"Sorry, not this time Black. But did that offend you? I was simply telling the truth. Lupin is just your bitch; he's the collective bitch of your little group. The wimp couldn't take two steps without of you holding his hand." Snape came closer as I struggled to get up. His face had a malicious grin as he insulted Remus.
"You don't even know Remus, you berk. Remus could destroy you without a wand and you'd never stand a chance." Snape just grinned all the more. "Really? I'd like that to happen. But I doubt it will. He's too fragile to fight for himself after all."
I was beyond on boiling point. I hated this misconception about Remus. People just assumed that the scrawny bookworm was defenseless and weak and the Marauders provided him protection. In truth, Remus was stronger than the Marauders and Gryffindor house combined. Month after month and year after year he put up with his transformations with little protest. Even when the wounds would have killed another, Remus would bear it without so much as a groan of pain. For this pathetic greasy hair git to call Remus defenseless and weak…it was nauseating.
"Fine, Snivellus. You want your chance? You can have it. Remus will be all alone and defenseless and you can take your shot at him. In half an hour go to the Whomping Willow, there is a small knob at the base of it, hit it and go through the tunnel. But I promise you, Remus will tear you to bloody pieces." Snape smiled and slashed his wand again and sent me flying back at the wall and all went black.
When I came around I looked at my watch. I had been out ten minutes. Slowly the conversation I had with Snape came back. It felt like a pile of bricks slide down my throat and into my stomach. Only one word entered my brain and it came out of my mouth in a loud shout. "SHIT!" I blurted and ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I had made it up two flights of the Grand Staircase when I finally ran into Prongs and Wormy. "Ja…Jam…Prongs, I messed up…" I tried to speak as clearly as I could but my body yearning for oxygen made it hard. "Snape…I told him…knot on the willow, Moony…MOONY" I screamed the last word in desperation. What had I done? The pain of my own treachery to my Moony had fully and totally gripped me and my shaking legs gave out.
The look on James's face was absolute terror. 'YOU DID WHAT?" he roared. Without waiting for a response James tore off for the door, as he did he shouted, "PETE, GET DUMBLEDORE!"
My reminiscences about this horrible week were interrupted as I heard someone nearby stir and get out of bed. It was Remus. I could see him through the gap of the bed curtains; he grabbed his wand and made his way to the bathroom. He still wasn't talking to me. Nor were any of the other Marauders. It was like I was in my own personal cloister with no contact to anyone I loved. I hated seeing Remus in his bed.
Until the past week Remus hadn't been in his own bed since the year started nearly 5 months ago. I yearned to feel his warm figure beside me again. I loved being physical with him, and it wasn't just the sex. It was more than that. It was just holding him. It was hearing his slow steady breaths as fell asleep. I missed being able plant a small kiss on his neck and let my face linger there, taking in his exquisite aroma. I missed watching him wake up. His eyes slowly opening and the small smile he got whenever he realized I was watching him. Every time I saw him smile I feel even more madly in love him with.
But that was all gone now. I had seen to that. My body began to tremble again as I tried to stop myself sobbing for the fourth or fifth time that day, I didn't keep track anymore. It would be between class, at meals, or once, as I served one of my many detentions to come. It had taken Professor McGonagall by surprise as had been conversing with Professor Dumbledore and had merely mentioned something about the moon. It was too close to 'Moony' and I broke down.
After several seconds I felt a warm arm over my shoulder. Professor Dumbledore had come to me. He lowered his face near mine and looked at me, his bright blue eyes shining underneath his half-moon specs. "The void of feeling like you have lost a loved one is the deepest form of darkness's in our lives. It seems like the darkness is indestructible. But even when there is a flicker of love left, it is enough because in the heart of the darkness's strength lies weakness: one lone flicker is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a flicker. Love can ignite the stars."
How does that man always have the words to make you feel better I wondered? I was lost in my thoughts for what seemed an eternity. I was waiting for Remus to come back out of the loo. I wanted to glimpse him again and take in his awe striking beauty.
After more time passed I realized my bladder was becoming uncomfortably heavy. Maybe…just maybe if I go in there under the pretense of having to use the loo I could get the chance to stare into his eyes again.
I slid out of my bed and made my way to the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. Playing with the knob a bit the door could not budge. I put my ear to the door and listening…nothing. Had he gone in there and fallen asleep?
Going back to the bed, I grabbed my wand and went back to the door and mumbled, "Alohomora". The door clicked and slowly opened.
I stepped in and looked around. On the far end of the room I saw something that instantly erased all conscience thought in my mind. It was a sickening sight and I blinked once to see if that would change the scene, because this was not happening. Remus was lying on the floor. His body was deathly pale and motionless. His lips, the lips that I had so many times pressed to mine, were parted ever so slightly as were his eye lids. His usually kind and inviting brown eyes were vacant. He was lying in a pool of crimson colored fluid, blood.
I felt like everything surrounding me had melted into nonexistence. The only thing that existed was the broken and bloodied body of the man I loved. I opened my mouth to yell, to shout to the heavens, for anybody to hear, to help. Nothing would come. Only a strangled noise escaped from my mouth. I ran to Remus and dropped into my knees, covering them in my loves blood.
I pulled him into my lap and cradled him, and sobbed into hair. I mustered my entire being and do the only thing I knew, the person who could help me. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" I practically howled the last name. As I screamed I placed a hand to Remus's chest…I could feel something very faint stirring. I yelled again, "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!"
I heard a crashing noise in the adjoining room. A few seconds later I heard James voices coming closer, "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" his voice cut off abruptly and he entered. He was by my side in second. "What happened?" he asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" James started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" James exclaimed. Grabbing Remus' wand next to him he whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.
"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming."
"NO!" I shouted. By this time the door to the loo was blocked by Peter and Frank who gasped in shock. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" James looked as if he was going to argue but nodded. I would not use magic. I was going to hold him in my arms. He was going to feel my warmth; he was going to feel that he wasn't alone. James took off at full speed pass the two in the door. "OUT OF THE WAY!" I shouted and the two complied wordlessly. As I made my way out of the dorm I yelled, "Pete, tell McGonagall what happened."
The race to the infirmary took forever. I held Remus as close to me as I could my tears falling fast onto him. "I'm not going to lose you, Moony, I will NOT lose you" I kept telling him. But in the back of my mind, a terrible cold and cruel voice spoke to me, "He's gone, you've already lost him. You did this. You drove him to this. You killed Remus Lupin." The thought nearly made me throw up. If Remus died…it would be my fault. If he died, I would be following I swore to myself.
After a few turns and going down some stairs I turned a corner and saw Madam Pomfrey and James rushing toward me. The two joined me on either side as we made our way into the hospital wing and to the nearest bed. Laying Remus on the bed as gently but quickly as I could, I let my lips meet his. His lips once so warm and burning with passion were cool and had a pastel tint to them.
The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved me out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. I stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching my clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live."
