Please note: The rating is only due to the subject matter.

The Struggle
Chapter 2

January 22, 1998 - Thursday

They said I had my best time ever yesterday. I guess everything that's been working on my mind showed through my lead foot. They don't understand that I feel like an empty shell. I don't feel whole. I get jealous whenever I see my teammates and coaches with their wives and girlfriends.

I hate the feeling of having nobody to go home to at night. Maybe I should get a dog or something, so I'll at least have a little bit of company when I get home after a long day at the track. I still have yet to. At least it's peaceful once I get home. But I feel as though I've fallen into a rut. It's the same routine day in, day out. I get up at 6 AM, make up a bowl of oatmeal and grab a glass of orange juice. At 6:30 I wash up the dishes from my breakfast and my dinner from the night before, then I go for an hour jog to get my blood running and to wake up completely. Then I take a show, change, and climb into my car to head to practice for the day. From anywhere between 4 PM and 8 PM I'll get home. I'll stop at the bottom of the hill and grab my mail, then pull up and park in the garage, I go in, grab a small salad to eat, then crawl into bed. And whenever I'm feeling bold, I'm writing in here now. But that's only because I got done early today. It's only about 6:30.

Maybe I'll go for a walk down on the beach to try any relax some, to try and gather my thoughts some I feel like I'm walking in a haze.


I couldn't stay out there that long. Thinking hurts too much. It's just better for me to pretend as though there's nothing wrong with me. Like I do belong in my skin when I know for a fact that I don't. I don't want to turn into another statistic. To be just another one of those gender confused people that kills themself because they don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm going to go out to get drunk tomorrow night. It might help me relax. Maybe I'll try to find a girl to bring home with me too, someone who likes it rough, that I can take my aggressions out on. Someone who can bend over backwards to give me what I want. I think that's what I need.

I've done some research on this problem. The proper term for it is gender dysphoria. Apparently it's much more rare to be a FTM as opposed to a MTF. That just makes things even more difficult for me to be able to talk to somebody about this. What would a psychiatrist say about this. I doubt there's even anybody in Japan that could even handle something like this. You never here about anybody have SRS here. Just in America. And I don't have the money to travel there for multiple appointments, let alone the surgeries and medication. I need to lie down. Thinking about this is making me much more depressed. I don't need that with a major race in the morning.


For those of you who aren't sure what some of these acronyms mean, let me help you some:
FTM - Female to male transsexual
MTF - Male to female transsexual
SRS - Sexual reassignment surgery