Hazel

I'm in front of the television and America's Next Top Model is playing, but I'm not really watching it. I'm worrying, and trying not to worry because I know that the mere fact that I am worrying will not affect the outcome of his meeting.

I know what most meetings with doctors mean after a long remission and I hope that he is in the small percentage of people who this isn't the case for. When he first told me last week that he had to go back into see his doctor everything inside me went cold.

Ever since Gus officially introduced us in Jesus' literal heart Isaac and I have been getting gradually closer. Now he's my best friend, not only because he knew Augustus so well but also because he understands what it's like to be the 'delicate flower.'

Mom connected me to the BiPAP and is cooking dinner now. I've been tired today, a side effect of cancer, so most of my day has been spent like this. Drifting in an out of sleep to worry and pretend to watch my TV shows and then sleeping again. When I was first diagnosed a boy in my class told me that he would feel terrible if he spent a day like this. I didn't bother to explain to him that sleeping all day is almost the most productive thing a kid with cancer can do. As my mom and my doctors always remind me 'Sleep fights Cancer.'

I go to shift my position but then when I move I feel an intense pain shoot through me. I gasp, or as close as I can with the BiPAP attached.

'Mom,' I wheeze. It's not loud, but it's as loud as I can make it and she is there in an instant.

When she comes running in she doesn't say anything, just runs straight to me as I open my mouth in a silent scream. Oh this would definitely mark high on the pain scale. My chest feels as though it is about to explode, and soon I can't tell where it's coming from anymore. It is all encompassing and for the first time when I think that when the pain gets too bad the body shuts down I actually pass out.

I drift in and out of consciousness as time passes, but I am an observer, unable to partake in the drama unfolding around me.

The first time Mom is cradling my head in her lap, and tears fall onto my face as I hear her ring first for an ambulance, saying she can't move me and the BiPAP on her own, and then my dad to tell him to meet us at the hospital.

Then I am being hauled off of the ambulance, Mom is beside me holding my hand, telling me it's going to be fine and that dad will be here soon. It's funny I think. Isaac and I are both in hospital today. I hope his is a nice reason than mine.

I wake up again to the sound of my dads broken voice.

'Do they know anything yet.' He chokes out the words so they are only just intelligible. I don't hear mom speak, so I imagine she's nodded. I can't open my eyes, and this annoys me. Then again I am exhausted. I don't know what is going on with me but I can guess. My miracle that had bought me years, including the time I spent with Augustus and Isaac has finally run it's course.

I wake up fully a few hours later, the sound of various medical machines filling my ears. Dad isn't around, must be going to get some of the crap coffee they have here. Mom is sitting in a chair pulled right up to the edge of the bed. Her arms of folded on the mattress beside me, and her head is leaning on them, facing towards me so I can see that she's asleep.

I am relieved to find that I am in a private room instead of the ICU. When I look up again my dad is standing in the doorway looking at me as though I am the most wonderful thing in the world.

'You're awake,' he says in a half whisper, half sob. I manage to nod, although it hurts. His eyes flit to my mother, apparently deep in sleep this time.

'Don't wake her up,' I slur through the haze of the pain medication they must have pumping through my system.

He doesn't argue, but instead moves to sit by the other side of the bed and holds my hand.

'I love you kid,' he says, looking me in the eyes. He must have been terrified to get that call at work today. I know he must feel every day when he leaves that he may never see me alive again, but today was one of the few times it seemed a real possibility.

'I love you too dad,' I say, smiling slightly up at him. I can feel the lure of the drugs fighting to pull me back under and I go gladly, feeling my dad squeeze my hand again as I do.

I fully wake up at about midday. My mother is no longer asleep but then she and dad are no longer here either. I press the call nurse button. I want to find out what's going on and even though the nurse will not know the answer they will be able to tell someone who can.

I smile slightly when a male nurse walks into the room. I've always preferred male nurses, no not because I think they are hot or whatever. They just seem to be a rarity and that is after all what I am myself. It seems fitting.

'Hazel,' he says smiling, 'My name is Alex. How are you feeling?'

'Better I guess, where are my parents?'

'They had to talk to one of your doctors,' he says his kind smile faltering only slightly, 'are you thirsty?'

I grin at him, 'Are you offering me ice chips?'

He laughs.

'I'll grab you some.'

Hallelujah for good nurses.

He only takes approximately 2 minutes and chats to me while we wait for my parents, scooping me extra covert spoonful's of ice chips as he tells me what I've missed. Not much is the answer.

My parents return half an hour later and they tell me that they found some slight tumour growth in my lungs. The phalanxifor had finally started to fail, but it still slowing the growth just less effectively. The pain in my chest had been my lungs trying to hard to breath and my heart struggling with the lack of oxygen, so I will be getting a higher dosage of oxygen and will be walking less. Basically I will spend very little time walking from here on out so will be getting a wheel chair.

I listen to them numb, hearing my dad trying not to cry and mom straining to withhold her emotion so that she doesn't upset me more. Her voice cracks a little when she tells me that the mostly like scenario is that my heart will give out in about six months but she manages to cover it. I thought it would be much worse than this but even so I'd hoped I was wrong.

'Hazel, we will continue to fight this,' My mom says, 'There are so many options out there …'

I cut her off with a shake of my head.

'Mom, no'

'Hazel,' My dad does start crying now.

'I know you want me to try the options,' I say quietly, 'but I don't want to be a pincushion again.' Another sob. 'I don't want to be another Anna.'

Peter Van houtons words have haunted me since he first said them to me. 'They increased the misery of her days without increasing the number of them.'

'I want to enjoy the days I have left to enjoy without all the extra symtoms from the treatment options.' I said, and although they did try several times to convince me they eventually allowed me this wish, and I loved them for it.


Sorry, this is not destined to be an entirely happy story. It's going to alternate between Isaac and Hazel's POV so I'm going to follow their roller-coasters :D

Thanks for the follows favourites and reviews. The Chapters should get longer from this point onwards.