--The First Time--
"I want it all, I want what everyone else has got, want it until no one else has anything left and it's all mine."
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The sound of his voice fades from my ears and I sigh, open my eyes to the slice of dusky dawn light cutting through the gloom around me.
I'm in the old place, the place where we always used to go. Maybe it's just so the memories can come more easily; maybe it's because, subconsciously, I've been missing it for a long time.
Fuck that; it all ends now.
A thought wanders into the temporary lull of my mind: Why am I remembering all this now?
I snort. Why do I even bother to pretend I don't know?
Funny that that conversation should come back to me first, though; apparently this remembering thing doesn't always come in chronological order. We'd already got some kind of understanding then; we didn't exactly match, but at least we could tolerate each other.
Then again, Greed always did more than just tolerate me...
...stupid bastard. We were so close to what he wanted, and then he went and threw it all away. Stupid greedy bastard. He just couldn't wait, could he? It was always such a fragile thing and now, it's nothing but a fine dust of shattered dreams and desires, mostly Greed's because mine hadn't even had the time to realize themselves yet.
And now they never will.
So now it's time to collect up the pieces and put them away in a box, to close the lid so I never have to look at it again, and then just... forget.
And move on.
And fuck it, this needs to happen or it'll drive me fucking mental.
And yes, I'll admit to that now; it's what this is all about.
So... this...
This is the First Time. The First Time Greed ever... how do I put this? Told me his heart.
That's the best way to sum it up.
And fuck is it corny. Hn; story of my life.
Here we go.
And fucking excuse me for the overuse of eloquent, poetic language I'm dealing out here; it's a package deal with the reminiscence, not my fucking fault.
We were in the old place.
It was a lot cleaner back then, neater, and lighter. There was no overgrowth, no wreckage, no sense of the ruins of time or neglect.
After all, this wasn't the old place back then; it was just the place, the sanctuary.
The Truce.
But beyond that I can't put together any sort of setting. I don't remember what drove me there; I don't remember why he followed, or even if he did follow, or just happened to stumble across me crying in that place by accident.
...yeah, I was crying. Get the fuck over it; this was a long, long time ago, before the monster in me had truly become so.
Before Envy was really born.
But like I say, I can't remember why I was crying, or why I was there, or how Greed found me.
None of it really matters, anyway.
Just his voice, and his words, and his touch.
Seems like it was the sound of him that I always concentrated on when I was with him; everything else is a bit blurry around the edges.
Except his smile.
He has... had... that face, that grin, that cocky little bastard grin.
He'd always shrug his shoulders like he was some innocent bystander, and raise his hands in self-defence.
Grinning that stupid grin.
Then he'd do those stupid things with his eyebrows, shove his hands into those tiny pockets of his too-tight pants and grin some more, laughing at me with his eyes over those funny little round glasses.
And it never ceased to piss the hell out of me.
But it's still his voice, saying his words, that's the sharp knives digging into my effing mind in all the wrong places: emotion, reason, belief. You know, all the confusing shit places.
So it was the Truce, and it was evening, and the sun was dying and the sky was painted with its blood splattering across the Heavens.
And Greed was holding me.
And I was letting him.
...yeah, this was along time ago.
And he spoke to me, about--yeah, I must have lost something, because he spoke to me about not being alone, that there were others who knew me, and still stood by.
And I told him that was bullshit, because we only 'stuck together' because we had no fucking choice.
And he said we did.
I looked at him incredulously, there's no other word for it because the instinctive skepticism I have now hadn't settled in yet, and he was grinning at me and saying, 'Regardless, you'll never be alone, Envy. Even if you don't think the others give a shit, remember that I do.'
And I stared.
And I think I said something along the lines of, 'Fuck off, shithead, stop taking the piss out of me.'
And he laughed.
He was always laughing at me when we had these conversations.
And he said, 'Nah, I think I'll stick around. That okay, grumpy?'
And I asked him why the hell he'd want to do that.
And he just grinned his stupid cocky bastard grin and said, 'Because you have something I want.'
And I told him to fuck off again. What the fuck could Envy have that Greed wanted? Envy wasn't rich, or famous, or attractive, or talented; Envy was just envy, sullen and resentful and--
'Grumpy?'
He was laughing at me again with his eyes.
'Like I give a shit. I'm Greed, right? I want it all, I want what everyone else has got, want it until no one else has anything left and it's all mine. And that includes you, grumpy.'
He leaned back, closed his eyes, the corners of his lips twitched upwards like he was relishing some private joke, some secret I didn't know yet.
'I've had Lust, and it was fucking amazing, but you're something different; you're something precious. And I want it.'
He looked at me seriously, if that's possible; those stupid glasses always made me want to raise my eyebrows so high they got lost in the fucking clouds.
I was going to say something sarcastic, probably swear at him some more, but he interrupted me.
'Don't question it, precious. Just remember. Can you do that for me?
'Promise me you'll never forget, because I'll never say it again.'
I can remember how I felt at this point, but even now I can't put it into words; the words I need just don't exist yet.
So we'll just say, for the sake of drama, that my heart seemed to stop beating, and the breath caught in my throat, and my eyes widened and the words dried up in my mouth.
And that something in my chest that was usually so full to bursting of god knows what - because I was a lost little shit back then and didn't know what my heart was full of - felt suddenly hollow, and painfully empty.
And cold.
Fucked if I know why.
Greed just smiled at my speechlessness, and closed his eyes again. 'Don't forget, Envy. Just don't forget. You're my precious one, the one I'll never let go of.'
'Your unattainable, you mean.'
He looked at me questioningly over his glasses, and I clarified, 'The one you'll never get your filthy hands on. I won't let you have me; you can want me to the ends of the world and back but I'm making a point now--no scratch that, I'm making a fucking oath, that you'll never have me Greed. I'll forever be you unattainable, because it's about fucking time you didn't get what you wanted.'
He stared at me for a second, and then just laughed again.
'Some thanks for my comfort, eh?' He touched the soft skin around my now dry eyes. 'But regardless what you might say or promise, Envy, you will be mine.'
He took me by the shoulder.
'But you won't forget, will you?'
I just scowled at him and for the first time in the whole encounter he scowled back.
'Don't give me that look just answer the fucking question! I'll never say it again, but that doesn't mean it's not going to stop being true. Got it? It'll always be true, even after I've had you. I'm Greed; my desire is insatiable. But I need you to promise me you won't forget it.'
I still didn't answer and he grabbed me, pinned me against the wall.
'Promise me, dickhead!'
It was my turn to smirk at him.
'Swearing at me's not gonna get you what you want, Greed,' I grinned, relishing the chance to gloat.
He cursed, averted his gaze, shoved me roughly away.
'Just promise me, won't you?'
Once again, I don't know what it was that compelled me to do so, but I did.
I agreed.
'Don't worry, Greed; I'll never forget. I promise. Just you don't forget that I also promised both of us that you'll never get what you want from me. Ever.'
And he just smiled, and closed his eyes, and murmured, 'We'll see about that, precious. We'll see.'
...well.
I kept my promise, Greed.
I didn't forget.
I never forgot.
But that doesn't mean I don't still hate you for everything you've done to me, bastard, it doesn't mean I still remember it in the same way that I used to. Now, all it means is that you were a manipulative fucking asshole and I'll be glad to finally wash my hands of you for good.
Harsh?
True.
Fucking deal with it.
I'm sick of feeling lost and so full of a sin that isn't even mine.
:: sonryz ::
Well that didn't quite go as planned. : S
Thoughts anyone? Tell me what you think. : D
