"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

Chapter Two

(In which Lily has PMS)


The sad but amusing diary of Lily Evans

Inspired by Georgia Nicolson, et moi amongst others

Disclaimer: I in no way own any of JKR's characters, Cate is mine though, in a non-lezzie way of course. Language from the Georgia Nicolson series may appear here (and already has) but since it's not copyrighted it really doesn't matter, but kudos to you Louise Rennison, you are truly baby Jesus.

Dedication: Hope everyone is enjoying the story, so I dedicate it to all of you reading it! (and I apologize for the lateness of it)

Author's Note: Thank you to the reviews and the positive response to the pilot chapter. To many more to come!


To the Castle of Loons

September 1st

Back to the Castle of Loons (aka Hogwarts)

Early

O.K. Luggage, check. Room tidy, check. And….

Smell check.

Sniff, Sniff.

Airy and floral. Fab.

Guess its time to get out of here.

In three hours.

Will go down and have breakfast.


At Breakfast

Cate is a genius.

Oh god, did I really just say that?!

Oh well.

She said I was fab at multi-tasking (thank you estrogen-filled brain) and here I am writing and eating AT THE SAME TIME. ohmygoshies.

Did I really just say that?!

There is something wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm allergic to Petunia.

I wish.


10-ish

In the Car

Next to snotty-nose (aka Petunia)

If you're wondering I ate a LOT of breakfast.

It will fuel the intelligent conversation between myself and the new head boy (which is so totally Remus Lupin, scholar extraordinaire). I had some extra to fill in small talk with prefects, and lots of Vitamin T commonly known as toast which energy to help with Cate + Cate moments.

Am totally ready to rock Hogwarts.

With my extremely smart and fab estrogen-powered brain, of course.

Wish Petunia would return the cat next door its bottom, she seems to have stolen it and stuck it on her face in place of her mouth.


At Kings Cross

Mum was fawning all over me just like the first time I went to Hogwarts. Kinda nice, actually. She didn't mention plants once.

Hallelujah.

Dad got all emotional, "Uphold the family honour…do your best" etc.

"Thanks, Dad." I said, he was to busy pulling himself together, to be honest.

Petunia was busy trying to get the vending machine to take her quid.

Even the machine hates her.

Proves I'm not the only one.


Platform 9 ¾

I was rather enjoying the hustle and bustle of Platform 9 ¾ before I was rudely interrupted by none other than the ignorez-vouser extraordinaire, my bestest pally Cate. It wasn't really so much aninterruption,per se. She kind of crash tackled me.

Not that that's important…

"OW! NOT THE BADGE!" I said trying to shove off 120 pounds of Cate.

She just did her cheeky grimace and ruffled her hair.

Her hair.

OMG.

"Sorry Lils." she apologize, picking herself up and dusting off her robes.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?!" I screamed like a hysterical mother, attracting half the platform's attention.

"I just wanted it a bit shorter, that's all." she replied in a nonchalant tone, and then blowing a bubble in my face.

She was in it for a good duff up.

I could feel my hair crackling with electricity.

Then, Potter showed up.

"Hello ladies!" he said pompously.

That's when I noticed.

It.

The badge, I mean.

Not Potter.

Not any part of Potter.

Anyway…

"So guess who got Head Boy?"

"You." I spat out. "Dumbledore, - out of every guy in this school- picked you."

"Yep." said Potter happily. "Isn't that great!"

No. It was not great, it was…it was.

In a word?

Terrible?

Disastrous?

Catastrophic?

"Great." I muttered through clenched teeth trying my hardest not to add the sarcasm I so desperately wanted to.

I could plainly see Cate mouthing, "I'll get her some chocolate!"

"Well see ya later." He said tapping his badge, and walking (presumably) back to Black.

When I get my hands on him...ooh I don't know what to do first, the face or the balls?

Haha.

James Potter as a transvestite.

That would be the day, but until then

"REVENGE WILL BE MINE!" I said in my most evilest voice.

I felt hands on my shoulders as Cate steered me towards the Trolley lady, "Let's get you some chocolate."

I'm ashamed to say, I didn't resist.


10:55

In a Compartment We Stole From Some 1st Years

Ahhhhh…goodness in material form.

Otherwise known as choco-latté.

Actually its chocolate.

I just like pronouncing it…

Nevermind.

"Potter," I spat out vehemently-ooh that's a good word, I should use that more often- at the thought of him.

Cate was flipping the pages of her magazine, without looking up she said, "Ya know Lils, Dumbledore is not going to change his mind just because you and James don't like each other very much."

I gave her a 'I-really-loathe-him-and-would-rather-kiss-Bellatrix' look.

She sensed it and poking her head over her magazine,

"Ok don't like each other at all." she clarified.

She paused to compile what I believed would be an entertaining/confusing mismatch of thoughts, from her sex-filled brain.

Instead I got this,

"Perhaps, Dumbledore paired you and James together because he had an ulterior motive?"

She sounded smart.

I wondered how long it would last.

The answer: not very.

"Ooooooh I just sounded smart, didn't I? Lils?"

RED ALERT: CATE MOMENT

The dictionary defines it as:

Cate moment /Kay-tuh mo-ment/n.

1.)A moment where one says something utterly ridiculous, or more commonly, blatantly obvious, (that really didn't need to be said). (Cate usually says something like this after you've consulted her with gossip or a problem. But generally, it refers to her idea of conversation. This is why I call her Captain Obvious [though not always to her face, for obvious reasons of course.)

2.)A moment where one tries to use sarcasm to amuse others, but fails miserably and the other person can do nothing except roll there eyes. (I never need to relieve the one of fifth year when…oh believe me, you do NOT want me to recount that!)

So there you have it, Cate simplified.

I'm not going to answer her question.

If anyone asks, I'm deaf.

But do you know what the saddest thing is?

They made Cate my replacement as Gryffindor 7th year prefect.

Plus there is the whole Potter/Head Boy fiasco.

My life is now over.

I shall now discuss the ways in which I can end said life.

Preferably before anyone mentions N.E.W.Ts (that is 'Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests' abbreviated.)

5 Possible Ways to Kill Myself Before Anyone Mentions N.E.W.Ts

Jump out of this train right now. Pro: Would NOT have to deal with Cate's rambling, or POTTER. (big plus) Con: Technically I would just be dumped somewhere in Northern Britain, I would then starve to death. Not so fun. I can deal with Cate for less than that.

'Avada Kedavra'. Pro: Errr…I would die, like I planned, very simple, very ME. Cate would add. Con: Too boring. I kind of want to go out with a (bit of a) BANG.

Marry POTTER. Pro: There isn't one. Apart from the whole dying thing. I would be completely insane though, so I might not actually think I've died. And as the vow says: 'til death do us part' long as I'm some sort of dead, I'm free[/ramble Con:I'm pretty sure it's illegal as I'm only 17, and I'm pretty sure that when Dad said: "Uphold the family honour…do your best" etc. he didn't mean marry Potter. Oh, and the problem of no licensed marriage celebrant on the Hogwarts Express.

My personal favourite: Death by Chocolate. Pro: Although it seems impossible, I would in fact die in heaven. Making my whole life/death transition very simple. Con: I would die fat. I wont let Petunia have the pleasure of seeing that, or remembering and recounting it for the rest of her pathetico life.

By popular request, (that is suggested by Cate in the heat of a Cate moment):Strip in front of the male students and die of having too much hot and heavy sex. Pro:Cate would be utterly jealous and hence, probably subject herself to the same fate, and I could look on and laugh. (mmm...popcorn) Con:I would rather like to die with an intact pelvis, oh and the whole I may be raped by Potter and Black thing, (I have the funny feeling they have done that before.)

And on that note, I must return to the sad life of mine in which I listen to Cate ramble on.

Sigh.


Sorry about the lateness of this chapter. I really like it though, and I hope you do too. If you have something to say, leave a review, it's much appreciated. Until the (lateness of the) next chapter!

Adios amigos,
thehiddenauthor