Joker sits in the passenger seat of the Batmobile, handcuffed.
"So many buttons. Probably isn't this many buttons in NASA!"
"Santayana tried to warn me…" Batman says almost inaudibly.
"Santa tried to what?" asks Joker.
"We're almost there, so just sit back."
"You always brood this often? No wonder brat boy leaves you alone."
Batman squints his eyes in a pissed way.
"None of these buttons are even labeled; how do you even know what you're doing?"
"I will only say this once: touch any of them and I'll show you which one is the passenger eject. And maybe have myself a chuckle."
"Nyah … you know what they say: laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. That's why I always have a crowd. A … captive audience. Ha ha, heh, HA HA HA HAAA!!!"
His laugh reverberates as the Batmoblie ascends a large hill.
…
The Batmobile lies parked in a grassy area near the top of the hill on the outskirts of Gotham city.
"Aaahhhhh…" Joker makes a motion in front, back toward Batman, "Zippin' up my do da, zippity in the hay; had a wonderful peeing – thought it would last all day.
Of course you wouldn't laugh."
Batman finishes spreading out a large uninflated balloon, "Toilet jokes are for kindergartners," he screws on a rubber hose to an air valve on the balloon, then leans in front of the tire, "computer, inflation mode; object, weather balloon. Driver's side front."
The center of the hub cap pops off after turning by itself and an air tube is exposed. Batman screws the other end of the hose to it.
PISSSHHHHHyouowww -- the balloon inflates fast; it trails off and finishes inflating slowly.
"Hey Bats – stick it in your ear and pout all that hot air to good use," he does a low rumbling laugh.
Batman programs in some commands to a computing device the size of a grapefruit. A red light flashes on & off slowly, "After you released that gas on the city I started sending up instruments to detect chemical compounds and large heat signatures, every so often."
"Oh yeah. Even you got to admit that was one of my better ideas."
"They were ALL sick & twisted. The only reason I'm helping her is because she's not that bad a person and with a little help and counseling, could fir back into society."
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm insane! Certifiable, Grade A straight jacket material! Men in clean white coast take me away! Say, that last line might make a good song."
"Tell me something I don't know," he unscrews the hose from the Batmobile and puts the hub cap center piece back on; it rotates back on by itself.
"Of course you know that – even I know that, and I vaguely recall you had something to do with that."
Batman looks away and unscrews from the balloon, "We're almost done here."
"The point I was trying to make was: please don't take her away from me. Sure we have out spats, our arguments, or bouts of loving insanity, and sure on occasion I got to slap her around, but even I need love from time-to-time. Girls don't exactly go for the tall, dark and crazy look. And apparently there is something wrong with wearing violet all year long."
"Once upon a time I made the offer to get you the best psychological therapists in Gotham for as long as needed. That offer still stands. You and Quinn ca make it a double date."
"You know, Bats, I'm a lost cause. There are days I wake up and can't think of a single maniacal debacle to unleash upon the city," he puts his hands in the air and spreads his fingers like a puppeteer, "or a simple knock knock joke," pretends to knock on a door while shaking his head side-to-side while it hangs down."
"Go at your own pace then, but when you reach a point you want to change, I'll still be here," he tosses the hose into the Batmobile, then walks over and unties the weights from the weather balloon, "Poison Ivy tends to set up shop in areas with fertilized land, then grow plants that emit toxic airborne chemicals. The radius of the gasses is limited and it dissipates before it can affect Gotham City; and the parts per million aren't strong enough. Much like your lapel flower."
"Huhum," he sighs as he squeezes the lfower, "empty; Harley normally refills it," he looks up to see Batman dangling the cuffs in his face.
…
Batman jumps into the driver's seat of the Batmobile, after Joker had gotten in.
"Now what?" asks Joker.
"We wait."
"What if the blasted balloon is blowing the wrong way?"
"We'll put another up from a different location."
"what if it misses the small area she's in?"
"I have two other units stationary in other areas. All three will triangulate her position and narrow the search area down to a few mile diameter. I wager not too many spots in that area will have the land and water she needs for her plants."
"Sweet captain Spock! No wonder I always get caught – I'm up against the reincarnation of Albert freakin' Einstein!"
"And don't forget it," the roof slides shut.
"Batman," comes Robin's voice.
Batman picks up the walkie-talkie, "Go ahead, Robin."
"I'm gonna turn in early, it's quiet out here. Did run into Batgirl; we're gonna hang out for a bit. How's it going on your end?"
"Something interesting has come up."
"Need any help?" asks Robin.
Joker laughs and Batman catches his lips to stop it.
"No, I'll tell you about it later. You two have fun," he smiles.
"Always. Robin out."
"Robin & Batgirl sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. That rockin' robin is looking for a little cross-species mating, ay?" tries to give Batman a jab with his left arm, but his cuffed hands hinder it.
"It's going to be a long night…"
…
…
Darkness forms into a pair of eyes opening with grogginess; Joker stands in view. The eyes widen.
"Wakie, wakie, red."
"Joker!" Ivy jumps to her feet in her long night gound and instinctively reaches for her dresser drower top before looking and her hand hits something; she jolts her head around, "Batman!"
He stands there, unmoving.
"So this is how it ends, huh? You stand by and let your supposed arch nemesis finish me off?"
Joker comments, "Why is it always 'arch'? I can't even do the splits."
"Easy Isley, this is just a social call."
"Well then," she sits down and reaches for a pack of matches, "I'll just light some incents and we can have out faux chat."
"Oh, please, red! Even I'm not that stupid!" Joker slaps the jar of incents on the adjacent night stand to the floor.
"We're looking for Harley Quinn," says Batman.
"My little poppykins is missing," he moves in closer to her face, looking sad.
She smiles devilishly, "What's a matter Batboy, did ol' Harley get the best of you?"
"More like the other way around. So far this is looming like a possible kidnapping."
Isley sits up with a concerned look on her face, "Harley?"
"She hasn't called, her babies are getting depressed, my men can't find her, and she's not with you," says Joker.
"Maybe she dumped you," says Isley.
Joker furls his brow and frowns, "Why does everybody keep saying that?"
"We haven't spoken for months. She's annoying as a weed in a rose patch, but I kind of like her."
"When you last spoke did she say anything about leaving, or having an alternate place to stay?" asks Batman.
"No, but if I hear anything, I'll have a letter sent to police headquarters."
"Thanks. Quinn wouldn't even leave her pet hyenas when there was a nuclear bomb ticking off, so I can only imagine that trouble she is in."
…
…
The hazy light from early breaking dawn pours through the metal bars on a window to a small room about the size of a walk-in closet. The lights glows on Harley's face. Tears run down it.
The door opens and light shines in, throwing her shadow on the back wall.
A voice speaks, "Here's your food, clown," and the person tosses a tray of food & drink on her – spilling the contents about her face and outfit.
"Puddin'!!!"
The door shuts.
