Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.

AN: So, I know I said that I was going to post the other story before this chapter was completed, but I found I wanted to approach the intro to the other in a different manner so I'll need to reedit that.

Anyway during such time I got really inspired with ideas for this chapter! So, woot! I'll be making my chapters in parts, b/c I'm going to stick to a similar layout as I had in EtS. 3,000-ish words per page. I'll try to label everything so it's not confusing. Let me know if it is : )

Anyway, yah. Excited. Also you may note I changed the summary for this story. It's not going to mainly focused on Jim getting back to captaincy. The first arch of this story will be played around that desire, but there is a deeper underlying message that will actually be the major plot.

Also, I changed one other thing (kinda felt foolish for not catching this until now). In my last story the Enterprise had been out for two years already…or so I had written. Than Jim was captured for a year, and the return flight took about a year. So, only one year not two years left of their five-year mission. Oops.

AN: Other than that I hope you enjoy : D


The One I've Loved

Chapter One (Part One):

"No!"

Blue eyes opened to a dark room as the cry tore past his lips.

His pulse beat, pounding loudly in his ears and he tried to control the gasps of air as he was torn from the terrors that had haunted his dream back into the reality of waking up alone…no, not alone.

Arms tightened only miniscule across his waist and he felt himself guided gently back down against the strong chest of his lover. He wasn't on that ship.

"Calm…hayal…"

(-AN: hayal: calm down-)

Jim's mind took a moment to process that Spock was whispering actual words to him rather than sweet nothings. This brought back the point that he had immediately recognized the other to be Spock.

"Spock." Jim's voice fell somewhere between a sob and a hum of appreciation. His breathing wasn't settling down and though he recognized the other as Spock, the dark room left him grasping at trying to collect his bearings. "Let me go…t—ti'amah…ashayam. Let me go." Jim's mind faltered for a moment before he recalled the words in a language not his own, and struggled to pull out of the other's arms.

(-AN: ti'amah: Let me go, Ashayam: Beloved-)

"Be still Jim…you are safe." Spock shifted but let Jim up all the same. He was awake now and sat up along with the other. "Lights, thirty percent."

The room became lit and immediately Jim's eyes turned to map out their surroundings.

His quickened heartbeat sounded loudly to Spock's sensitive ears, but he allowed Jim this. It was still many hours until the pair needed to be awake for anything. So, he shifted even closer to the smaller male to nuzzle against his neck.

It was a small gesture but Jim settled against him almost firmly; pushing back subconsciously into the protective embrace as his mind and body caught up. Spock's mouth kissed soothingly at the exposed skin and shoulder as he whispered hushing sounds to Jim in an illogical manner, and yet a manner which seemed most affective in calming his human mate.

Jim's breathing calmed gradually under the ministrations and Spock knew that this would not be the end of things before they would return to bed.

It was a routine that had lessened considerably over the months but one that had yet to disappear altogether. First would come the fear, and panic at being unsure of his reality. It would be followed with a brief moment of calm before the guilt would set in, and it always did once Jim realized he had carried Spock along with him again. Rage would come next, as anger at the situation compelled Jim to act out. Sadness and understanding would arrive last as Jim would become compelled to see reason once more and realize nothing could truly be done except acceptance.

The next action usually varied depending on how drastically the nightmare had scarred him. If it were truly bad Jim would apologize with desire and lust, pulling Spock into the heat as he coped with their bodies.

If the nightmare was one he had experienced before, he would quickly push it aside and allow Spock to pull him back to bed. They would lie awake until the other fell asleep and allow themselves to be pulled along soon after; always enjoying the others company to help with the trauma.

However, Jim had not had a nightmare since their initial arrival back on board the Enterprise and it was almost eerie how vacantly his eyes mapped out the room they were in. Jim was silent and still in Spock's arms and he just remained.

It was unnerving and Spock tried to pull the other from it with words.

"Jim… T'hy'la"

When Jim did not respond or rouse at the words he let his fingers guide along Jim's naked chest. Fingers smoothed over defined muscles and trailed enticing patterns shifting lower and then up again before dipping even lower still.

Jim's breath caught on one of these dips and he arched against Spock, "Don't tease…" Jim pleaded and groaned as Spock complied dipping his hands down to relieve the other.

Gasping and drained Jim settled down upon the bed with Spock again, "We…I don't want to do this."

Spock's eyes lifted unsure and unsettled by the words, "Please clarify, for I fear I have come to conclusions that may not be what you are addressing at this moment in time, and ones I wish not to be so."

Jim's eyes scanned the Vulcan's own and softened apologetically, "I'm not leaving you Spock. That wasn't what I meant." Jim breathed out reassuringly and brushed fingers lovingly along the other's face. "I meant sex. As a means to cope, I know you've been…letting me have this, but it is wrong. It's changing the purpose and meaning behind it and I am sorry. I do not want it to change. I want it for what it is, I want it to be a means to become close to you. To fully lose myself in you and to express, in a form, how much you mean to me.

"Not like this. Not as some way to know that you are real…I'm corrupting something special and I love you for allowing me this, but I can't use it and taint it.

"I need to…I need to stop letting this rule over me. It's been months now. I shouldn't be waking up afraid anymore. I shouldn't have to feel like you aren't real or here. I shouldn't have to prove to myself that this is real. I am sorry. I am so sorry." Jim breathed out the apology and dipped his head against the Vulcan's chest.

Spock stroked his fingers along the length of Jim's back and responded as carefully as one could in such situations, "Jim, I have continuously reminded you that I am here for you. It may have been months, but months are nothing in comparison to the years you spent. You experienced many challenges while you were away from us. Challenges which broke both your mind and spirit in the process, it will take time to overcome this. However, you will. You are both; strong and determined, and have already come so far. Do not feel guilt or remorse.

"If these actions provide comfort to you and allow your mind and body to understand that this is real than I willingly provide. If they do not than we will find another means. Either way nothing is tainted about our time with one another. Any moment spent with you is special, my James. I grieve with thee for your suffering and am here for you to help you until you are whole once more."

Fingers lifted the other's chin and blue was met with auburn. "I love thee."

"Thank you." Jim breathed out and leaned forward to brush his lips against the other, "Thank you for still being able to love something so broken." Jim's fingers shook as they reached up to grasp Spock's hand in his own, "I love you…so much. Don't go. Don't leave me or I won't survive…" Jim's voice cracked as he clung weakly with both hands to the one. Able to completely let go in the seclusion of their room and in the embrace of the one he loved.

Spock's eyes saddened at the confession but Jim's blues had already settled on the hands in his hold, had already missed the gaze as it was but a flicker.

"I have nowhere else I'd wish to be than by your side ashayam…let us go to sleep now."Spock's words were a gentle proposal as he guided Jim to lie back down alongside him, "I will still be here if you are to wake."

"Thank you."

XXXXXXXX

"Jim!" Chekov chirped with bright eyes as he watched Jim enter alongside Spock. He went to stand, but Jim wave him down.

"Chekov, it has been two weeks now that we've been back on the Enterprise. You don't have to jump up whenever you see me." Jim's smile was warm as he walked over to ruffle the others hair before hoping up to seat himself on the table. "So you all are waiting for a meeting I suppose?"

"I-ah…we…um…"

The room fell tense as Chekov tried in vain to politely answer Jim's question. His eyes flickered over to Sulu who sat just to his right, but the other man was impressively not meeting the eyes of the young navigator. A feat that usually was impossible to accomplish.

Nyota had only managed a surprised cough at the very conversation.

"I believe that what Chekov and the others seem reluctant to say, is that it is a private meeting that Pike has requested for those amongst the alpha crew."

"Oh."

"Look who I found a'wondering the halls!" Scotty's voice broke over the silence that fell with Jim's words. The Scotsman, unaware of the atmosphere he just barged in on, had McCoy by the shoulders practically dragging the grumpy doctor into the briefing room. "Oy! Jim is here! Well that sure puts a damper on who I brought along with to this party. Mighty fine seeing you here Cap'n."

"I'm not the Captain, Mr. Scott." Jim breathed out but immediately noticed how the words seemed to strike a chord in all those who were present, "But thanks, Scotty, I'll have to remember to stop by engineering more often. Now with all my free time I can help you out with some of those undisclosed projects?"

Jim's smile could tame the most severe of settings. He knew this and wasn't afraid to use it in his favor, even if it was amongst those he held closest to his heart. He'd rather put up a smile to calm them over than let them sit tight on unwelcomed tension.

Scotty seemed pleased by the response and laughed, clapping Jim on the back as he moved to take a seat nearby.

"Aye sir, I have no idea what it is you are talking about. But if I did, I'd say that would be a mighty fine idea, and would welcome the extra hands."

"Sounds good, Scotty." Jim smirked and looked over towards Bones who was still standing just within the doors to the room.

"Jim what are you doing?" Bones' features were tight in an effort not to show any of the emotions underneath. "I had thought you'd be off teaching again today."

"Yah…but that's not for another hour." Jim gave his most sincere smile to Bones for his efforts and shrugged his shoulders, "Figured I'd drop in to say hello, and lo and behold no one is sitting in their stations. Spock was with me and informed me ever so kindly that you all were having a meeting here. Seeing as you would all be together, I figured I'd get all my reunions in with one go."

"If you want to be a masochist, than suit yourself." Bones grumbled, but the concern was evident enough as he made his way over to also take up a seat at the table.

"You say the kindest things." Jim laughed to ease over the tension that just kept jumping back into play, "So, am I the only one everyone is being tight-lipped to about our headings, or do we even know where it is we are going? I mean, I know that there are some taboos to telling those who aren't in a position to hear, but I'd say that I should get the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't you?"

"Jim you know your presence here is cruel for the rest of us as much as for yourself. Stop making it worse by forcing their hands with those kinda questions."

"I enjoy ze company! Ze Keptin should come viz'it more often zhen he haz." Chekov protested McCoy's comment almost immediately.

"We don't mind." Sulu agreed his eyes flashing now up to meet Jim. They were sincere, but it was obvious what McCoy said was still true as well. Nyota and Scotty seemed to fall oddly silent at this as well.

"Sorry, guess I hadn't thought past the whole meeting with everyone. Haven't seen you lot much these last two weeks, but I should've thought ahead." Jim sighed with almost a resigned breath and pushed up off the table.

"Jim."

"Don't worry 'bout it Spock." Jim sent the Vulcan an appreciative and soft smile not trying to muster the hurt that lingered. When it came to Spock, he tried to be honest as he could with his expressions. It was a feat he had initially struggled with, for it was so against his customs, but something that was growing easier to do.

His eyes moved to hover just briefly over the rest of the crew, and he was about to dismiss himself when Pike walked past the sliding doors and into the room.

Both of the men looked at each other, and without a doubt realized they were the only two standing. It was an odd feeling as they just stared one another down for a brief moment. One of them maintaining a bewildered and unexpected look and the other holding a sheepish-kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar-look.

"Hey Chris." Jim tried to muster his most dashing smiles in effort to once again ease over the odd tension.

"Captain works just fine." Pike replied evenly and watched as Jim took a step back as if visibly struck by the comment,

"Sorry, hello Captain. I hope that's better?" Jim hummed sending the other an annoyed look at such harsh words; masking the confusion and hurt that lingered.

Pike's expression seemed to settle at this. Two weeks now they had been on board the Enterprise with Pike taking up role of the Captain, and this was the first he had seen or heard from Jim. He may have been a little mad at the kid, but found he couldn't remain so now that he was face to face with the only cadet he had ever bonded so closely over.

"Jim, you can't be here."

"I know mandatory, and for the eyes of those specified only." Jim said writing off Pike's apologetic expression with ease. "I'm just heading out. "

"I'm sorry Jim."

"Don't be." Jim tossed casually his routine smirk hovering over his lips as he sent everyone a farewell salute and pivoted exiting the room.

The door slid shut behind him with a resounding hiss and his eyes lifted to see the replacements all hard at work until the briefing was over.

He went unnoticed as he stood unsure just outside the doors.

With a shaky breath he stepped forward; compelling himself to do something, anything other than just stand there and look at a seat that shouldn't have been more than a chair. Than remain looking at a room that shouldn't have been more than just a bridge on a ship. He needed to do something that wouldn't leave him wishing and wanting when he wasn't prepared for it yet.

McCoy was right, he was a masochist.


AN: So, Chapter One point One. This will be in three parts. I think this first Arch in general will be three chapters long, or well that's the game plan. So three chapters with multiple parts...confusing? I'll try and make it as least confusing as possible X ).

Anyway. Still kinda on the dark side of things. However, I am posting chapter one part one and two, and I am currently writing the third part. So, expect that either later tonight if not tomorrow morning. By the end of Chapter one some problems will begin to show, also all inform you all where it is we are heading ^^ .

Spoilers, but heads up to all who have not read Even the Stars...the destination may not make sense b/c its a place we've been before. So, please go check out that story before continuing on this one : )