chapter two: the ocean

I was twelve years old. The sun was harsh and beautiful in the sky. The summer winds were ebbing, telling us children that fall was on its way. In only a few days I would start the seventh grade; I would go to the high school building, separated from Kairi and Sora. I was too proud to let it show, but I was scared to be without them.

The three of us spent every day that last week of summer on our island, making the most of our last stretch of freedom. That day, I was sparring with an invisible partner, sweating beneath the bright sun. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Kairi and Sora sitting on the shore. The waves washed lightly over them as they crawled on their hands and knees, searching through the wet sand for shells. Kairi had an elaborate project in mind... she was always dreaming up some sort of art project, and Sora was always the one suckered into helping her with the dirty work.

Naturally, I felt too old and too manly to participate in such an activity, but as I watched the two of them, I grew envious. They were wet and covered in sand, laughing together as the sun shone down on them. Kairi, and all her damned energy... And Sora, who jumped whenever she said jump. I constantly teased him about his crush on Kairi, which he blushingly denied, but the more I teased, the lonelier I felt.

"Hey," said Kairi suddenly. "I thought the grown-ups never came to our island." She pointed to the sea, where a rowboat carrying two adult passengers was heading for the dock.

"They don't," I replied. I walked hurriedly to the dock to greet the boat. Why would the grown-ups come to see us? There was hardly a cloud in the sky, so it couldn't be to warn us of an approaching storm. It had to be something... grown-ups only came to our island for urgent news.

Mr. Kuran, the sheriff, and his oldest son were in the boat. I met his eyes as they pulled into the dock, and I was filled with dark feelings. They didn't even tether the boat.

"Get in, Riku," said the sheriff.

"What's wrong?" I asked, fighting the fear that threatened to reveal itself in my voice.

He averted my eyes, sighing. "Just get in. I'll explain when we get back to the island."

"What's wrong?" I prodded once more.

"Just get in, Riku," said Mr. Kuran's son. "It's your mother."

Without another word, I jumped into the boat and we began rowing back to the main island. I looked back at Sora and Kairi, who stood on the shore, watching with wide eyes.

We landed at the dock nearest to my house and walked quickly but solemnly. My stomach was churning. We entered my house and went to my parents' bedroom. I felt sick as I saw my mother lying there; her skin was as white as the sheets. Her endless tendrils of hair were spread messily across her sunken face. Father had so rarely allowed me to see her lately... I hadn't realized she had been getting so much worse.

My father was kneeling beside the bed, clutching my mother's hand as he watched her. He turned his head when he heard us enter; it was the first and last time I ever saw my father's eyes filled with tears.

I walked slowly towards the bed. I could hear her shallow, wheezing breath as I got closer, and it frightened me.

"Riku," she breathed softly when she saw me. Her eyes were cloudy. "My baby..."

"Mother?" I croaked. I wanted to take hold of her hand, but my father was still clutching it firmly. I simply stood there watching my dying mother, feeling helpless.

She smiled, closing her eyes. "I love you, my son. I'm sorry that I can't I stay with you any longer…"

"Don't say that!"

I heard the sheriff stir from where he stood in the doorway. "Mara, perhaps we should take the child out of the room."

"You would rob me of my last wishes, Sheriff?" my mother coldly answered. "I won't be around much longer, and you people won't have to deal with me anymore. Just let me have these last minutes with the ones I love."

"But he is too young to see such a thing..."

"My wife has asked that Riku be here, Mr. Kuran," my father said loudly. He was choking on his own tears. "We will respect her wishes, just as we do for all the islanders on their deathbed." He tore his eyes away from my mother for a moment to give Mr. Kuran a serious and desperate look. "She is no exception."

The sheriff lowered his head. "No, of course she's not..."

My mother rolled onto her side, a maneuver which seemed to require an excessive amount of her strength. She took her free hand and placed it on my father's cheek, pulling his face close to her in order to kiss him. She whispered something in his ear, causing tears to fall more intensely from his eyes. She pulled away and looked at the two of us, and for a single, gorgeous moment, there was a calm that came over her.

Her eyes began to bulge and she started screaming in pain. She clutched her chest and tossed from side to side. I wanted to plug my ears, the screaming was so loud.

"Should I go get the doctor?" said Mr. Kuran's fearful son.

"No," Mr. Kuran replied. "There is nothing we can do for her."

Those words tormented me as I watched my father try to comfort my mother in her agony. There was nothing I could do for her. I wished for the strength to save her or ease her pain, but it didn't come. Several minutes later, her screams stopped and she exhaled very slowly. I could feel her spirit leaving us...

"Mother don't go!" I cried.

"Riku," she whispered with her last breath, "be strong..."

- o - o - o -

Her funeral was held the next day, at dawn. I could not sleep that night, though for my father's benefit, I pretended that I had. I had the feeling he, like Mr. Kuran, thought I was too young to watch my mother die. Maybe they were right. In any case, I wasn't going to let him see how her death had affected me. I dressed in white pants and a simple white tunic, the traditional attire for mourning. The color was meant to show respect for the passing spirits, and represent the peace that they would find in the next life. But peacefulness was the last thing I associated with my mother's death. She had left us in such a state of pain and screaming; it was hard to believe that she was on her way to a peaceful place.

The neighborhood was strangely silent when I walked out the front door of my house. The only sound that ran through the street was of the wind coming off the ocean. Other funeral-goers, dressed in similar white clothes, were moving quietly towards the shore. My father and I walked together, but he didn't lay his eyes on me for the entire journey. He walked quickly, as if trying to purposefully stay a few steps ahead of me. I did not bother trying to catch up with him, or speak to him, or even catch his eye.

My mother's body was laid across a wooden raft on the beach. She was dressed in a white gown and buried in a thick cage of sticks. Colorful island flowers were placed here and there, and a paopu fruit rested on her chest. The mourners gathered in a cluster along the shore; most of the neighborhood was there. It was customary, and the islanders were sticklers for custom. People would go to mourn the death of their neighbors out of respect, even if it was a woman like my mother, whom none of them had ever really liked.

The minister spoke of the nature of death, recited classic island poetry, and consoled us. His words felt empty to me, and his speech seemed endless. My childish mind lost interest and I found myself gazing at my mother's body. The hours I had spent lying awake thinking about her were suddenly catching up to me. As the sun rose, the air grew warmer, and that, combined with the lulling noise of the early-morning waves, started to make me sleepy. The minister's words started to sound very far away.

I jerked awake as I felt myself drift. I looked around, blinking my eyes rapidly to try and suppress my desire to close them. I could only imagine the strange looks I would be given if I fell asleep at my own mother's funeral. "Strange as his mother," they would say.

I never knew what it was that made my mother so different from the other islanders, but the older I grew, the more I could feel how much they hated her. Why bother, I thought, with all these island formalities over a woman none of them ever accepted as one of their own? My mother was different... she deserved something different. I felt a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suddenly wanted her back so badly.

The ceremony came to a close with the minister's assistants lighting torches. They carried them towards the raft and lit the pyre as the rest of us sang softly. They climbed into small boats and led the flaming raft out to sea. Soon it was far out of my sight, only a tiny flame against the big blue ocean.

I wandered away from the crowd and sat down on the beach, a safe distance from the others. I took off my shoes and let the waves touch my toes as rested my chin on my knees. The sky was that odd sort of gray-yellow-blue of the early morning. The ocean had never seemed as big as it looked that day. I wondered where it would carry my mother. Everyone kept saying she had "gone to a better place." Was that true? Just what kind of place was there on the other side of that big ocean?

The air smelled wonderful. It was thick with the scent of flowers and paopu fruit; the items placed on my mother's raft, meant to mask the scent of burning flesh. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I rested my head on my knees as I breathed in the intoxicating smell and listened to the splashing waves.

"You should be more careful about where you fall asleep," said a voice.

I realized I had begun to doze off again, and snapped quickly to attention. I looked to my side and saw Sora squatting beside me, wearing his usual calm and innocent expression. "I didn't sleep much last night," I mumbled.

"I can understand that." He stared out at the ocean. "I'm really sorry about what happened to your mom."

It was a pretty generic thing to say, but I knew that, unlike everyone else, Sora really meant it. We sat in silence for a moment. Soon we heard Sora's mother calling him.

"I have to go now," said Sora. "Don't worry, Riku. Everything will be okay."

That was easy for him to say, when his mother was only a few feet away. Everything was always sunshine and optimism with Sora, which were the last things I wanted right then. I had the strange desire to hit him. Instead, I leaned over and gave him a quick hug. "Thank you, Sora," I mumbled.

Our house was deadly silent that day. My father never looked at me or spoke to me. He retired to his bedroom as soon as we arrived home. I felt so distant from him, as if without my mother, he was someone completely new to me. He was a stranger, and now it was going to be just the two of us. As I thought about it, the idea of living alone with my father suddenly seemed cold and frightening. He didn't know me the way my mother did... and I definitely didn't know him the way I knew my mother. Even when I was with him, I felt alone. I couldn't stand to think about feeling that frigid loneliness full-time. I wanted her back.

In spite of the gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach, though, I still was not able to cry over the death of my mother.

- o - o - o -

Moving on was a slow process. It went by one painful day at a time. Each day, I dealt with my father, who had as little to do with me as possible. Even when he did start speaking to me again, it was cold and formal. Each day I dealt with the stares of the older islanders, the whispers that followed me even though I never knew what they were saying or why. Each day I dealt with feeling awkward every time I was around Sora and Kairi. Our friendship continued as it always had, but after my mother's death, I felt out of place when I was with them. They seemed so happy and optimistic; life was an endless playtime to them. Life was like that for all the island children, but I didn't think I could ever feel that way again.

As awful as it felt at first, the days did eventually begin to move by faster. The pain was no longer tedious and all-consuming, but simply part of the routine. Life without my mother, which I at first thought I could never deal with, became the norm. Days and weeks and months passed by, and it was not long before I felt like life had always been this way.

- o - o - o -

"Ready?" Kairi called with a giggle as she stood to the side. "Go!"

At her signal, Sora and I darted forward, running across the rickety bridge over the cove. I felt myself gaining speed as my feet trod along the route I had ingrained into my mind. The sound of Sora's feet and panting behind me was music to my ears, because it meant I was winning. I leapt from one moss-covered rock to another, slammed my hand against the tree at the very top, and dashed back down. I grinned when I saw Sora out of the corner of my eye, touching the tree just as I was half-way back to the starting point.

Kairi was standing there expectantly, slightly bowlegged with her arms tucked behind her back. I admired her prettiness as she shifted her weight from side to side, smiling as always. Three short years had brought dramatic and eye-catching changes to her appearance. I noticed that with her new short haircut, you could see the features of her face so well. Her pillowy lips, her round eyes, her soft cheeks.

"Looks like you won again, Riku," she said, giving me a playful look. Was she smiling at me? I tried to stifle the thought. I wasn't special to her, I told myself; Kairi was nice to everyone.

Sora appeared then, panting and looking peeved. I wished he would have been even further behind, so that Kairi and I could have had a longer moment together. I wished he wouldn't have caught up at all, ever.

It was the first time I had ever wanted to be alone with Kairi. The idea of being alone with anyone was something I always avoided; I either wanted to be with a group or all by myself. But for that moment, as Kairi stood there in the sunlight looking so happy, I thought perhaps I could stand to have her all to myself for once. I was fifteen then, and suddenly, the way I saw Kairi was changing. We were all changing. Things between the three of us would never be the same.

"Well, looks like you're finding lunch today, Sora," I said smugly.

Sora sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Come on, Kairi, let's go get some coconuts."

Kairi looked at him, eyebrow cocked, smiling as playfully as ever. "Me? Who said anything about me helping?"

"Aw, come on. You didn't even have to race... you should at least help me."

She giggled sweetly. "Oh, okay. I guess I can carry a coconut or two." The two of them ran off together, laughing and teasing each other. Soon they were out of sight and earshot. I sat down on the ground, letting my legs dangle over the small retaining wall. No work for me, I'm the winner. I get to sit here and relax while Kairi and Sora do all the work. While Kairi and Sora spend all the time together. I get to stay here all alone. Hurray. Isn't it great to be the winner.

They returned looking as cheerful as ever. Losers aren't supposed to be cheerful, I thought. But it's not like I could show them how upset I was, because the winner is supposed to be proud and glad.

"What should we play now?" Kairi asked as she finished the last of her lunch.

"Ooh!" said Sora excitedly. "I think I saw Wakka's boat at the dock when we were getting lunch... why don't we go play blitzball? If Tidus and Selphie are here, too, we can go three on three."

Kairi smiled at him. "Sounds like fun."

I tossed the remains of my coconut to the side, looking irritably at the two of them. "I thought we said we were going to play Margu? We all agreed on that this morning."

"They'll be plenty of time for that later, Riku," Sora said dismissively. He stood up and placed his hand behind his head. "We've been sitting around for long enough. Aren't you guys ready for something exciting?" Kairi popped up at his side and nodded.

"Tuh," I said. I leaned back and rested on my elbows, with no intention of standing up to join them. "You just don't want to play because you know I'll beat you like always."

Kairi sighed impatiently and interjected. "Oh, come on, Riku. Let's just play blitzball and THEN we can all play Margu together."

Sora grinned. "See, you're outnumbered."

"Fine," I said through gritted teeth. "You guys go play blitzball. I've got other stuff to do anyway."

"You're not coming with us?"

"No. Just go on."

Hesitating only for a short moment, the two of them took off for the other side of the island. I watched them as they went. On second glance, I decided, Kairi wasn't really all that pretty. What did I care if she chose Sora's side, and not mine?

- o - o - o -

I waited for a mild eternity that night. I thought my father would never go to bed. He stayed in the living room, staring into space as always. This night was the worst night of the year for him. At last, though, he got up and retired to his room. I took this opportunity to sneak out the back through the sunroom. It was time for a late-night stroll to the beach.

The air was weighted with salty winds and the smell of an approaching storm. Though the sky was black, you could still see the clouds churning and creeping closer with the storm. The edge of the ocean lit up occasionally from the lightning in the distance. There was nothing more peaceful than the island at night. The streets were so lonely and beautiful, and the warm, moist air felt comforting against my cheeks.

The waves were churning when I arrived at the beach, as if they, too, were anticipating the coming of the storm. The waves were peculiar like that; I always felt that they knew something the rest of didn't. The waves had seen shores I could only dream of. I inhaled deeply and took a seat, looking out at those waves that had carried away my mother three long years ago.

Where are you, Mother? I asked. Every year it was the same question, and every year I received the same answer: nothing.

"You're out awful late, Riku," said a soft voice from behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was.

"So?" was all I could think of to say. I wished she would just go away. "Just what are you doing here?"

Kairi sighed, and to my surprise, she sat down beside me. "I saw you leaving your house." She brought her knees in and rested her chin on them, looking outward. "This is the day your mother died," she said.

"Yes."

She nodded in understanding.

"I'm sorry about what happened today." She turned to me, pouting. I saw her only out of the corner of my eye, for I would not turn my head to look at her. "I didn't mean to be mean or make you feel left out."

"It's not a big deal. It's just a stupid game."

"I know that. But still... I'm sorry. You must be very lonely."

I gathered a fistful of sand and squeezed it. Then I let it sift slowly through the spaces between my fingers. Of course I was lonely. I was always alone, no matter where I went or who I was with. I was marked by my face and hair as the son of Mara Vodin; I was the spitting image of her, so it was easy for them to distinguish me from the crowd. I was always treated differently. I was seen as an anomaly, singled-out by my community and resented because of some ancient grudge they had against my mother. It was unfair and miserable and, yes, I was lonely.

How could someone like Kairi possibly understand that? She was even more of an oddity than me, and yet everyone loved and accepted her as if she was their own. Everything was peachy for her. It made me angry that she would even attempt to feel sorry for me... that she could even dream of trying to understand.

"Yeah... whatever..." I mumbled, still squeezing sand through my fingers. The skies lit up in the distance, and moments later there was a low rumble of thunder. I turned to Kairi. "You should go now. The storm's getting closer."

She raised an eyebrow. "What about you?"

"I don't care about the storm."

She settled into her sitting position defiantly. "Neither do I."

I sighed. We sat together, watching the storm roar and creep through the skies.

"You know," said Kairi after a very long silence, "I like to climb out of my window sometimes when it storms. I sit on my roof and watch the clouds and stuff."

I looked at her seriously. "That's dangerous, Kairi. You shouldn't be outside when it storms."

Kairi let out a soft giggle. "I know. I can't help it, though. The island storms are so pretty." She picked up a shell and began to draw in the sand. "The storms where I came from were so frightening and ugly."

"What?" I asked suddenly. "I thought you didn't remember anything before you came here? How could you remember the storms?" It was the first time in the seven years she had been with us that she ever mentioned life before Destiny Islands.

Kairi paused a moment, as if just realizing what she had said. "I... don't know," she said. She suddenly seemed to want to know the answer to my question as much as I did. She bent her eyes in concentration. "I just remember... clear skies. The skies were always so sunny and blue. But... not that day... the skies got dark... and the floods came... Grandmother..." She stood up, shivering. "I'm... I have to go home now. I'm sorry for bothering you. You probably wanted to be alone tonight." She turned slowly, took a few steps, and suddenly broke into a run.

I stared in awe at her abrupt departure, soaking in the astonishing moment that had just passed. All those years, and she never had even a flicker of a memory. We tried hard to pry information from her, but whenever her homeland was mentioned, a blank look would come over her face. Why had she so suddenly remembered?

I sighed, and upon hearing another loud clap of thunder, I decided I should head home as well. As I stood up, I noticed the drawing Kairi had made with her seashell: a keyhole shape inside of a heart shape. I kicked it as I passed, scattering the sand, shaking my head. "Silly girl stuff," I muttered.

- o - o - o -

I dreamed of the ocean that night. I saw Kairi on a raft, so far out to sea that I could no longer see any signs of land. I was swimming after her, but she always stayed out my reach. "Come on, Riku," she called with a playful giggle. "Aren't you gonna catch me?"

I tried to catch her, but she was too fast for me. Soon, the bright blue sky above turned black. The waves threw me around as rain crashed down in a torrent. Kairi didn't care. She kept smiling and taunting, daring me to come catch her. My arms could no longer carry my body, and I caved. The water swallowed me up and sent me spiraling downward through endless blue.

"Thinking of you, wherever you are..." said Kairi's voice, echoing through the endless ocean.

I looked around, frantic, but saw only dark blue.

"Now I will step forward to realize this wish."

Two bright lights appeared above me, and I swam towards them.

"There are many worlds, but they share the same sky- one sky, one destiny."

Through the murky water, the lights became shapes, more distinct, with color. I was moving closer to the surface, to the two figures sitting on a beach. I swam desperately, my lungs aching for breath, longing to reach the surface, but it seemed to remain just a few strokes out of reach.

Out of the watery shadows, Kairi appeared, frowning like she did that day from our childhood, so long ago. She placed her pale hands around my face, searching my expression intently.

"You are the one who will open the door," she whispered, before shoving me hard and plunging me back into the black depths below.