Broken.

It's just what I am. Simply a broken mirror of Jade West. Fragmented and contorted in an undesirable way. She made me like this. Tori took my heart and smashed right through me with it.

At first I didn't know what to do with her and now I don't know what I'll do without her. She's the one who pieces me back together when I'm like this. I don't know how. I'm no good at puzzles. It's a thousand pieces that don't belong together. I'm not even sure if they're all mine, in fact, I'm almost sure some of them are Tori's. She was the biggest part of me anyway.

You see what she's reduced me to? Nothing but a self-loathing mess.

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here internally killing myself while I watch her from across the asphalt. She's just as beautiful as she was last week. Last week when she broke me and ultimately destroyed herself. But her pieces are different than mine. Mine are jagged, sharp, impossible to touch. Hers are smooth, in time she will be Tori again. Only Tori. Just Tori. Jade nowhere to be seen.

And you know what's worse? I realize now that a lot of her pieces were already scattered at her feet before this mess. She was already breaking. At first I wanted to ask her who did this... but it didn't take long for me to realize who had. There was only one reflection in those fragments of Tori.

Mine.

I was breaking her. It was me. Then she smashed what was left of herself before I could. Maybe it was a good thing then. Now she knows what to fix and what to leave behind.

Listen to me, I sound like an actual person. Like I have a heart. Had a heart.

She's leaning on Cat today. Cat and Andre have been Tori's crutches for the past week. Sometimes she'll lean on Andre, like yesterday, and sometimes she'll lean on Cat. Today her head is on Cat's shoulder. She hasn't cried but I can tell it wouldn't take much to make her. Cat's been running her fingers through Tori's hair throughout lunch. Don't worry, I'm not jealous. Cat is of no threat to me. I actually go to lean on her too when Tori's with Andre.

Robbie... well, he's just his stupid self. Going wherever he can to fit in. That's where Beck comes in. Robbie's the only one who hangs out with him from our group (rarely Andre). Everyone knows that Beck and I's breakup was bad, but after Tori and I started dating... things got out of hand. He didn't respond well to the "Beck turned Jade Gay" rumors. I can't blame him. He's known for being the school heartthrob and in one day became the "Dyke Magnet". People treated him like he was radioactive for a while. I could only do so much, seeing as I had my own rumor control to maintain. He wouldn't so much as look at Tori and I for months.

It's better now though. He'll stop and have a conversation with us and every once in a while he'll eat lunch with our group.

To be honest, I don't miss him. Sure he's a great guy, but not once did I miss him since Tori and I started dating a year ago. She was... is my everything.

There it is. A single tear rolling down her cheek. More follow after that and eventually Cat has to hold her to keep her from falling over. Don't cry my love.

Drowning. I'm drowning in every tear she cries.

It was my own death wish. I asked her to fill my lungs with saline and she is only giving me justice.

I sniffle.

I'm glad it was bright outside today. This meant that I got to wear sunglasses while I ate. That meant that no one would be able to see my tears. I count two of mine for every one of Tori's.

Pathetic.

Here I am internally killing myself while we cry together from across the asphalt. But Jade West doesn't cry right? No no, she's the cold hearted bitch who cares for no one.

I'm not supposed to.

I'm not supposed to cry over Tori, even if she was my girlfriend. I'm supposed to act like it's just another day. I'm supposed to send a glare to the kid two tables over staring at me.

That's who I am on the outside, but on the inside... on Tori's side, that's not me at all.

No one will ever understand how I work in relationships unless you're actually in the relationship with me. Like Beck knew, when we were alone (and not fighting), I was different. Like split personalities. Believe it or not we would actually cuddle, have a normal conversation, kiss, make-out, have sex. You name it. But it was different with Tori.

Beck had me by the hand, Tori had me by the heart.

It was the same deal though. In public I was the one with my arm slung around her shoulders. I was the one who took her by the hips. I was the one who leaned in for a kiss. I was the one checking out her ass and making vulgar quirks. I was her protector and would kill anyone who so much as looked at her the wrong way. But when we're alone... just the two of us...

I was all hers.

She was the one holding me. She was the one stroking my hair. She was the one to pull me into a kiss. She was the one who took me to her bedroom.

She was in control whenever we made love. I did nothing. I let her have all of me. I let her touch the most intimate places without protest. She was so... gentle with me. She knew just how fragile I was for her. She was my protector too. She protected all my vulnerable places.

Yeah, you heard me. I was vulnerable. I got so vulnerable for her. I let her see me in my weakest state. Those moments where we wouldn't talk. We would just look at each other for hours.

Sometimes we would be laying there naked, her holding me, and she would whisper sweet nothings into my ear. She would run her fingers through my hair and promise that she would protect me.

That was the difference between Tori and Beck. Sure, I had been weak at times for him, but not outright raw. Yeah, Beck was different than most guys. It wasn't about getting off for him, it was about how we got off. That's what any girl wants from a guy I know, but I'm telling you, Tori's different. With Tori it never was about getting off. It was about her loving me and me loving her right back.

They were the most beautiful moments in my life.

I'm cold now. Her warmth has gone from me. Those beautiful moments would keep me from the bitter coldness that now lurks inside me.

Pathetic.

Here I am torturing my soul with things I'm never to see or feel again. I am out of body. I watch as my life sits quivering in Cat's arms across the asphalt.

You see what she's done to me? Do you see how I am because of her?

Not even a fraction of what I did to her.

I was terrible to her. A common question "What do you see in her?" had to be heard at least twice a day. Like I said, she was a doormat in this relationship. I pulled all sorts of attitudes and threw all sorts of fits with her. I knocked her down and she never stayed there. She always got back up.

I would say the most hurtful things to her, call her names, I even went as far as shoving her once... but she still stayed with me. She still saw herself in my mirror.

I... I would kiss other people. Sometimes in front of her. It was my last vain attempt to regain control over myself. Show her that I was Jade West through and through. She didn't own me.

We all know she did. She owned every part of me.

I never slept with anyone else. I wanted to... just to hurt her. She pissed me off and I wanted to hurt her for it. I tried... but I couldn't. Those hands weren't Tori's. That body wasn't Tori's. Tori isn't rough with me. I didn't feel safe.

It hurt her to know that I tried. Tori gave me everything and I spit on it. And even then... she still wanted me.

"I'm sorry"

Don't be. It wasn't your fault Beck. It was only mine.

"Leave" I spit back at him.

He knows what that means. I'm not mad, I just need space. He needs to walk back to his table and ignore my existence.

"You know I'm here for you" He says before returning to his group.

Thanks Beck.

Still the most amazing guy I know. I regret nothing when it comes to him. He was my first everything and I regret nothing.

I wonder if Tori regrets me.

Does she regret our "play date" over a year ago?

That's when it happened. The moment my body began to lean closer to hers. She told me I was pretty... and meant it. It was over after that. Tori claimed my heart. Don't get me wrong, it was a rough process. Lots of denying on both ends and fighting about it constantly. Eventually I couldn't deny her anymore. The harder I fought it, the more I fell. I finally showed up on her door step a month or two later and kissed her. I was supposed to talk... but the minute I saw her, my lips were on hers. After that things just worked themselves out. We were a dysfunctional couple if you asked around, but we were never out of sync.

She made me work for her affection, unlike Beck who was almost obnoxious with how much attention he gave me. I fell in a deep love with Tori very quickly but I could never tell what she was feeling. I've never been in a relationship were I had to work. I'm Jade fucking West, I don't work, I'm given what I want when I want it.

At least, that's how it used to work.

That attitude left the minute she responded to our first kiss. She was... is worth it.

A month after we started dating, I wanted to jump into bed with her. It was me being selfish Jade who hadn't gotten any since Beck and I broke up. That was probably the most frustrating three months of my life. She made me work. She wanted to fall in love with me and then give in to me when she was ready. I don't know how... but I waited. I was patient with her, so unlike me, and I didn't pressure her.

She told me that that was how she knew I was serious about her. Because I waited with her. That was the first most beautiful moment in my life.

The night she gave me her virginity.

It was so intimate, so special. The first and last time I was in control over one of those moments. She allowed me, of all people, to share that with her. To hold this part of her forever. Me... Jade West.

Does she regret it?

The night our hearts intertwined?

She gave me every part of her and I gave her all I had left of me. I wish I could've given her more, but all I had was this thing inside my chest. This mangled train wreck barely beating. It's all that was left of me, but she still accepted it. She held it. Kissed it. She still wanted me.

And after all this... I sit here alone, wondering if she still holds it. Is it in her pocket? Did she leave it at home? Did she rid herself of the horrible beating? I hope she keeps it. I don't want anyone else to have it. I hope she keeps it forever. If not with her than maybe in a box, she can put it on one of her shelves. She can take it out and inspect it every once in a while, just to make sure it's still beating.

Then suddenly I'm behind her. She's closing her locker and I know she senses my presence. We have class to go to but I think we could both care less.

And she's turning. Her beautiful broken smile greets me as mine responds.

No words between us. I've never been good with them. Just our silent conversations through our eyes.

I trail my cold fingertips down her arm before finding her hand. I drag it to where my heart should be. My hand covers hers, flat against my chest. Her eyes never leave mine. They ask me, "Why?".

"It only beats for you" I whisper.

And that's when our conversation ends. Her eyes go to our hands as if she is to talk to them too.

After a moment she gently pulls her hand away. She leans close to me, head dipping a little, to lightly press her lips where our hands used to be.

She pulls back and returns her gaze to my eyes.

"You don't give it enough credit." She says tracing her fingers over that hollow place. "It's bigger now. Louder."

But it feels so small.

"Does it keep you awake?" The beating?

"It's my lullaby. I can't sleep without it." She whispers with a small smile. A mist covers her eyes and tells me she can't stay longer.

With another sniffle her fingers leave my chest and she's gone, taking the warmth with her.

Pathetic.

What have I become that I'm so dependent on another person? In my shattered reflection there is no Jade West. Only Tori.

Forever Tori.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Hello my Lotus Blossoms. I'm starting to think I need to find a new name for you all.

So, like it? Love it? I won't start that again, but I've got to say that I think I'm liking where this is headed. I know this is mostly focused on Jade's inner thoughts right now, there will be more dialog and plotline in the future, but I feel that this is pretty darn important for now.

I actually had the first chapter of this story written around... maybe the 4th chapter of The Art of Falling in Love. I liked the idea and never lost the inspiration for it. Anyway, PLEASE leave your thoughts on this chapter, I worked really hard on it and am quite proud to say the least. I would love to know what you all thought. Anonymous reviews are enabled.

Speaking of:

G I GGL3Z1597: You are my first review so I shall love you forever.

AndYouCanGoHome: I too love Jori, but don't worry, Cori is still my primary ship.

Sami Jo: Sorry to hear that, I was really pulling for you two. Hopefully this may ease your heart.

Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, I'm excited for you to see where this leads.

ALSO: I will be updating this story every Monday. My schedule only permits this day and I figure, why not kick off the week with it?

Alright loves that's all for this update. Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick.

A.Y.P