A/N: "Erica" is Erica Stohlmeyer (played by Amy Aquino), the defense attorney from the Season One episode "Prisoner of Love."
II: Regret
Ben sat on his desk in stunned silence.
Then he went for the drawer, retrieving the seldom-used flask and glass. He rarely drank at work, even refusing the occasional offer of Scotch from Adam. He preferred to save the booze for when things went horribly wrong. Like when he lost the case against those four homophobic cops; he sure managed to knock back a few drinks that night.
This, however, qualified as one of those things. It was ironic; it almost seemed a waste to break out the whiskey because a beautiful young woman had come on to him. If it were any other red-blooded male, the evening would likely have ended with something far different than drinking alone. Ben mused that Jack McCoy would probably be grinning like a cat with a mouthful of feathers right about now.
This reminded him of just why he was drinking in the first place.
The truth was, he cared deeply for Claire – oh hell, he was in love with her. It certainly hadn't been his intent when he hired her; she was a promising attorney who worked hard and paid her dues. She also happened to be the most beautiful creature he'd ever laid eyes on, but that was pure coincidence.
He had been involved with an assistant before, and it didn't work. He loved Erica, but they were both workaholics, and the combination of business and pleasure proved to be too much. Problems from work seeped into their relationship, and vice versa. She eventually crossed over to the defense, but by then it was too late. The damage was done.
It was painful, and he had avoided getting involved with co-workers ever since. Besides, he was married to his job, and scarcely had time for anything else – nor had he considered making time. But he was over fifty now, and his life consisted of work and little else. He realized that it wasn't much of a life at all, and wondered if it was the kind of existence he really wanted for himself.
Then there was his desire for Claire.
Ben kept his feelings deeply hidden beneath a carefully constructed professional demeanor. She was young enough to be his daughter – at least Erica was closer to his own age. He had an obligation to the People of the State of New York, but he also couldn't stand by and watch Thayer destroy Claire. So he did the only thing he could; he put the bastard away and got a confession out of him. He had no control over the disciplinary committee, but at least he gave her that much.
He remembered the strange pang in his heart when he learned about the affair. At first, he thought it was fury at not being told sooner; the case had been jeopardized, and he and Adam were stuck with high-profile egg on their faces. It took him a while, but he realized that it was actually jealousy. He wished that he'd been in Thayer's place.
Never in a million years had he expected Claire to be interested in him; she may as well have knocked him over the head with a two-by-four. And he'd thoroughly blown it, because he feared another broken heart.
I'm a bloody idiot, he thought as he poured himself another drink.
------------------------------
Claire lay awake, staring at the shadows on her ceiling. She tossed and turned, thinking about how stupid she'd been. She hadn't just risked her emotions, but her career. Or what remained of it.
Good going. Even if the censure is lifted, there's no way Ben Stone will give me a good recommendation after what I just did. Shit, he probably thinks that what happened with Joel was my fault.
She'd been so sure that Ben cared for her, and it hurt more than any professional disaster ever could. It was déjà vu all over again. At least she hadn't slept with him.
------------------------------
"I haven't heard from you in over a year, Ben."
Not since your marriage, Ben thought.
During the Hendrick case, it was obvious that the old spark was still there. But Erica had made it clear that she was with someone else. Some doctor she'd met at a party. Ben called her out of the blue, inviting her for a drink at one of their old haunts. It wasn't because he particularly wanted to revisit the past; he simply ached for something familiar.
She sipped her gin and tonic. "The pay's much better on our side, you know. Perhaps you should consider calling it quits at the DA's office."
Ben laughed. "Call me crazy, but I enjoy the daily grind."
"You're planning to be chained to that place forever, huh? I would have thought that your run-in with Phillip Swann changed your outlook on things."
"Nope." The last thing Ben wanted was to talk about Phillip Swann. He had half-expected Erica to call and wish him luck on the civil deposition, but she didn't.
"It's your loss." She tossed back her long dark curls, her eyes meeting his. "There must be another reason why you asked me here, Ben."
Ben swallowed his Guinness, contemplating what she'd just said. He could have gone out for drinks with any number of old friends, yet he'd chosen her. Maybe screwing up with Claire wasn't enough. Maybe he wanted to excoriate himself.
"Could it ever have worked, Erica?"
She looked surprised. "That's long under the bridge, isn't it?"
"Yes. But I just want to know."
"Perhaps, if we hadn't just gone through divorces and weren't married to our jobs. I'm sure that being together 24/7 didn't help either." She emptied her glass. "Why are you asking me this, Ben?"
He purposely avoided the question. "Do you want another drink?"
------------------------------
Erica reached for her clothing.
She'd made the overture, her foot brushing against Ben's leg under the barroom table. It took him by surprise; he thought that she was happily married.
Normally he would have considered the implications of sleeping with another man's wife, but he hadn't been thinking at all. He could have blamed it on the combination of whiskey and beer, but that was too easy. The truth was that he'd wanted comfort, and it turned out that he wasn't the only one.
"I'm sorry, Ben," she said as she dressed. "Things between my husband and I aren't perfect, but I do love him. This was a mistake."
Ben pulled the blankets around himself. "I won't say anything, Erica. I think you can trust me."
