Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back. Heh, just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, It's time I delivered on what you all came to see. I hope you're ready for this shit, 'cause I just switched the setting on this story from 'stun' to genocide.

Also, I like to randomly throw in a bunch of references to other shows, music, and games. See if you can spot them all! And if you can't, then you fucking suck. Enjoy!


Alucard stalked the dark streets, ebony and ivory death-dealers poised and at the ready. A rather inconspicuous trail of mutilated bodies followed his every move as he looked over the various buildings the town had to offer. That's when his sights fell upon the movie store. He looked at it briefly. Then back at the direction he was headed. Then back at the movie store. He smiled.

"Eeeeeehhhhh, he'll probably be fine if I just take a short detour. Besides, I'm the only guy at the entire compound who hasn't seen Jackass 2 yet." He began mumbling to himself, as if to give himself a reason for temporarily abandoning his target.

"I swear to God, it's like those guys cheat death more often than I do!" The double doors made a gentle 'ding' as they slid open, the vampire holstered his weapons temporarily as he looked around the store for basically what would consist of his free time between missions. Screwing with Master and the Police Girl is always fun and all, but there are only so many objects in the bathroom a woman can throw at you before it starts to get boring.

"Knoxville on a giant rocket? Are you kidding me?! There is no fucking way I can miss that! If anything, I'm probably doing the guy a favor! Nothing mends a perforated torso like watching a bunch of alcoholics riding tricycles off of the Golden Gate bridge with jumper cables hooked on their dicks or whatever the hell it is they're doing in this mov-huh?" Alucard stopped right in the middle of the anime section, raising an eyebrow as his extremely confused stare rested upon a copy of 'Hellsing OVA IV'. Suddenly, as if a bright light had shone from the heavens, an object made it's presence known to him out of the corner of his third eye. A force comparable only to his debilitating sunflower seed addiction, Alucard had spotted a gumball machine.

He marched brainlessly over to the contraption, a soulless expression painting his face rivaling that of The Captain's. He reached out to it, mindlessly expecting the delightful sensation of so many balls in his hands, when his fantasy was cut short and thoroughly snapped back into reality by the Plexiglas antagonist that halted his march. He looked down upon the wretched device, tantalizing him with the prospect of a delightful taste sensation only to spit in his face with a transparent barrier. His gaze drifted lower, as the machine made it clear that it was unaffected by his death glare. His sights fell upon the silver coin slot.

"Demanding monetary gain in exchange for processed tree sap... from me?! Truly, you are no better than the humans, device."

I cannot help it. I was created to vend such goods in exchange for currency. The coins themselves mean nothing to me, but the people who have invested in my services rely on me to fulfill my duty.

"That may be, but your former masters are now mere shells of what they once were. They are dead now, you see. And they will be even deader once I am finished here. You have no reason to withhold that which I desire."

True. Your words reflect your wisdom, flesh creature. Unfortunately, as I am an inanimate object and thus, do not possess cognitive thought, I cannot act on my own. In fact, you are so unbelievably insane that you truly believe yourself to be having a conversation with a gumball machine. Just what the fuck is wrong with you, anyway?

"Everything." He grinned madly at the machine, fumbling in his coat pockets for some loose change. After thoroughly checking his wallet, bottom pockets, front pockets, back pockets, shoes, the floor, Phobos, lower hell, grandma's house, Rip van Winkle's panty drawer, then finally his hat, he found what he was looking for.

"Ah! Here we are. Excuse me, machine. Do you take... SILVER!?" He jammed the cold barrel of the Casull into the machine's transparent dome, and subsequently decapitated it with one smooth squeeze of the trigger. Scorched and untouched gumballs alike spilled violently from it's head as the vampire observed his bittersweet victory. The machine did not topple over; it still stood upright, albeit missing the top of it's circular head. As Alucard bent over to retrieve the spoils of his kill, the gumball dispenser uttered it's last words.

A... Alucard... We are not tools of the government... or anyone else... All my life I have vended gumballs... Vending was the-COUGH-the... only thing I was ever good at... But at least... I always vended for what I believed in... Alucard... consume my balls... please -COUGH- ...allow me to vend in the afterlife......-HACK-......Farewell.

Alucard threw his fists into the air.

"GUUUUUUUUUUUMBAAAAAAAAALL MAAAAAAAAAAAAACHIIIIIIIIIINE!!!" He stood statue still for several moments, fists in the air as if cursing the Heavens. After 42.07 seconds, he dropped his hands to his sides, turned around and popped a few gumballs in his mouth as he approached the comedy aisle. After grabbing the Xavier: Renegade Angel DVD box set, Beerfest, Clerks 2, The Zohan movie and Pineapple Express, he noticed a DVD compilation of Dane Cook stand-up acts.

"What luck! A Dane Cook CD! The Police Girl loves that guy!" He picked up the CD box, took out the disc, looked it over momentarily, then dropped it flat on the floor.

"Whooooops. Now it's all dirty. I know! I'll clean it off!" Alucard smirked as he unbuckled his belt, unzipped his pants, and took aim at the shiny bottom of the disc that was currently facing upwards. He cackled madly as he cleansed the despicable comic's act with a mighty stream of vampire piss. As the waterfall weakened, he shook the final remnants of his personal condemnation onto the urine-soaked circle. After re-buckling his pants, he carefully picked the disc up by the edges, clipped it back in the box, and placed it in one of his bottomless pockets with the rest of the movies.

"This'll show bazooka-tits what I think about her sense of humor." Since he was completely swept up in the adrenaline of the moment, he had temporarily forgotten the reason why he had come in the store in the first place. That's when his almighty vampire brain came up with another 'brilliant' idea.

"Ah, while I'm here, I should deliver on my annual tradition of sending Judas Priest thoughtful gifts under different names and addresses. But what...? Hmmmmm... whatever it is, it has to be more heartfelt than last Christmas when I had Victoria gift-wrap and send him that beautifully decorated box I took a massive dump in." He wandered around the store, fruitlessly searching for an appropriate movie until he came across a beaded door that lead to quite a different section of the store. He pushed the semi-transparent beaded barrier out of his way as he stepped into this new mysterious area. A huge grin crept to his face once more as he quickly realized just where he was standing. Dim red lights, Footsteps in the Dark by The Isley Brothers playing gently over the speakers, and a strange yet familiar scent wafting through the air that he wasn't all too fond of. Yep, as if the three large X's above the doorway weren't enough of a clue, the No-Life King had just stepped through the threshold of Pornoland. He was so ecstatic, he didn't even notice the man that had stepped out of the storeroom, face covered in blood.

Alucard skipped gleefully from aisle to aisle, singing (or butchering, depending on your musical tastes) along with the song that had seized the air, gently caressing the atmosphere with soft beats and smooth vocals. He was tempted to browse around for personal entertainment, but decided he should get what he came for and leave quick, lest he wished his vampire nutsac to be repeatedly caved in by a five-pound silver ashtray. He made a quick turn into the next aisle, one reserved for those with 'selective tastes', to say the least. Alucard marched on through the gay aisle, running over box covers quickly and efficiently for the most disgusting, obscene thing he could possibly find. Even for the mighty king of vampires this task was proving to be rather taxing, but he soldiered on, knowing it was going toward a worthy cause.

After what had seemed like an eternity, he found himself standing near the end of the aisle, staring at a single movie. It almost seemed to call out to him, and given his track record of talking to inanimate objects, it probably was. He was face to face with a copy of Ass Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Plunderin' yer Booty. 'It's... it's perfect.' he thought to himself as he blew a bubble. He seized the movie and almost immediately high-tailed it out of the room, stopping only for a second to tap his foot and hum to the end of the song.

Alucard was now back at the double-doors, as he had already snagged the box of the real Pirates of the Caribbean 2, to deceptively house the dirty disc. His hand was raised to push the doors open when he suddenly remembered the whole reason he was here in the first place. He facepalmed and muttered 'forgive me, Steve-O' under his breath. He weaved back into the comedy aisle, skimming through and ignoring all other promising titles. He really had wasted far too much time here talking to a gumball machine and looking for gay porn.

Barely even three seconds had passed and already, he was now face to face with his precious Jackass, though it was not specifically what he had in mind. Al was looking at Jackass 2.5, which he could only assume meant that it was 20% more outrageous than the last. Then again, he was never exactly the star math student. Regardless, he reached out to grab it when another hand simultaneously gripped the box.

The two men stood still for moments, staring each other in the eyes with their hands still on the box. Alucard was looking at a man in a green hoodie and backwards baseball cap, brown hair pulled back and reaching just past the shoulders; nothing too special, save maybe for the fangs and blood covered face. The tension seemed to be reaching a breaking point when, finally, the new guy pushed the box towards Alucard.

"My apologies, sir. You were clearly reaching for this before I was." Al looked back down, frowned slightly, and pushed the box back towards green-coat.

"No no, you obviously wanted it much more than I did. You take it." Now Jeff was looking down at the box in his chest, unhappily. He pushed the movie back towards the strange red guy he was looking at.

"No, I can't, I'd feel bad. It's yours. Really." The gestures of unwanted kindness had quickly evolved into a game of Jackass pong.

"You were obviously here first! I didn't even really want to see it anyway!"

"I already have to carry some things back to my house, you'd be doing me a favor! Seriously!" The two men were now glaring daggers at eachother.

"...Take. The fucking. Movie. Now." Faster than the eye could register, Alucard had forcefully pressed the Jackal's barrel against Jeff's eye.

"I'll send you home with that goddamn box up your ass if I have to!" Just as fast, Alucard found the muzzle of a Tech 9 shoved into the side of his face. They stood statue still, unflinching gazes studying their respective rivals. In perfect unison, they both let go of the box; it almost seemed as though it was falling in slow motion. At the exact millisecond the plastic hit the cold tile, bullets were heard flying from both guns.

Jeff vaulted backwards over the aisle behind him, barely dodging his enemies bullets and laying down a suppressing fire from Alucard's weapon. The red vampire perforated the long movie stand with his ebony handgun, using his third eye to peer behind the aisle and notice his overly-polite enemy fiddling with something in his coat. Before he could react, Jeff tossed the object over the barrier and just as he heard the distinctive 'TING' it made as it bounced off of the ground, Alucard grinned madly as he realized he was about to french kiss a fragmentation grenade. In no less than a second, Jeff jumped into a tuck 'n roll and covered his ears with both hands as the deafening BOOM roared through the store. Innumerable chunks of debris and dirt as well as grotesquely mangled body parts rained down from the destruction. He opened his eyes just in time to witness a pulsating chunk of Alucard's torso hit the ground with an unflattering 'splat'.

Jeff stood back up, waving away the smoke in his face. He stepped through the massive gap in the aisle caused by his antics, obviously to make sure his little green partner finished the job. As he stepped into the charred circle of death, he came face to face with what was once the body of his enemy; barely recognizable by the fact that both of his legs were still attached if fairly damaged... not so much the arms, head, and left half of his chest though. Bleeding organs spilled from the wide-open chest and stomach cavity, roughly filtered through a mangled ribcage and sternum. Needless to say, there was no point in checking for a pulse. Jeff smiled and chuckled as he threw his arms into a shrugging gesture.

"Should've just accepted the fuckin' gesture of kindness. Now you look like you just got done sucking at Gears of War." Just as he was turning to leave the store, he looked down to find something extremely odd. Sitting in front of the body was the movie box, completely unharmed and un-destroyed. Jeff let out a 'Bwwwhhhaaat?' and immediately picked it up, scanning over the whole box, front and back. Not a single scratch. He opened it and looked inside to see the DVD, sitting there all inconspicuous-like.

"Huh. Whelp, can't argue with results like that, I guess!" he said with a smile. Right as soon as he went to close the box though, a huge red eye suddenly opened from the middle of the disc. He dropped the box with a short high-pitched shriek and pulled his SMG out out of its holster, aiming at the freaky eye staring at him. Before he was even able to pull the trigger, he heard a loud ringing and felt a searing pain shoot through his arm. Jeff quickly found that his gun arm had been forcefully disconnected at the elbow by a modified silver .454 caliber round. He ignored the profusely gushing crimson waterfall in favor of the mutilated assailant (who had somehow managed to reconnect his right arm) that was standing in front of, and despite missing a lot of body tissue, still towering over him. The dismembered arm hit the ground and, ironically enough, that is exactly when the red vampire decided to regrow his. Along with his arm came that dear chunk of torso that Alucard was so fond of, but for the sake of terrorizing the poor jerk that was close to pissing himself already, he held off on regenerating his head. It was already pretty clear he didn't even need it, anyway.

As the headless body stalked ever closer to the young, horribly outclassed vampire, his disembodied voice cackled like a bloodthirsty Hyena, raising his gun and aiming for his neck. Jeff pivoted on his heel and dashed through the massive hole in the aisle that he had created, jumping over the checkout counter and making his way straight for the front doors, not even wasting a second to ask any questions. He was at the home stretch, mere feet away from the door, arm raised to push them out of the way when his gaze suddenly met the cold hard floor, legs flailing in midair because they had just been dismembered at the knees with surgical accuracy. The burning agony that usually accompanies bullet wounds registered with his brain the second his face smashed against the tile; he was running so fast when his legs were shot off that he didn't even feel the pain until his body collided with the floor.

Jeff laid in a broken, beaten heap of pain with only one limb left to his name. He struggled just to lift his head so he could see where he was running... outside. Something he would now assuredly never see again. He heard footsteps approaching closer and, knowing oblivion was at hand, used all of his remaining strength to prop himself up on his back so he could face his death like a man. He slipped on his own gushing blood more than once, awkwardly trying to position himself so he could face his nemesis. As he struggled to flip over, flopping around like a wounded seal in the wake of a killer whale, the footsteps stopped and Alucard's voice was heard once again.

"Funny thing you should try to lecture me on kindness, when you couldn't even follow your own advice. If you had just accepted the damn movie in the first place I could have just shot you in the back of the head and sped things up for both of us. Either way, you were never going to leave this store." Al smiled broadly, showing off the pearly-white daggers in his wide maw. Jeff struggled to choke out his last words, trying to make his death as meaningful as possible.

"L-listen... uh, Vash, we're not tools of the government... or anyone el-"

"Already heard it from a gumball machine." cue bored expression.

"Aw, shit! Well then, uh... um... Boppa booey boppa booey! Howard Stern's penis! Boppa boo-"CRASH!

The young vampire's entire upper torso had instantly been flattened into a messy, outward red splatter that more resembled a smashed crate of tomatoes than a human body. The cause of his inevitable deletion was the large, ominously glowing gumball machine that seemingly fell from the heavens. The demonic candy dispenser turned it's head (somehow) to it's master and chuckled darkly.

Huhuhuhmmm. Cleanup on aisle six.

"Nice work. You will make an absolutely splendid addition to the forces of hell... I really was getting way too many complaints that there weren't enough vending machines in the dark army."

Well, you're about to get a few more complaints because evil gumballs are expensive as hell. Hm. Quite the pun. Anyway, it goes without say that you are fully entitled to freebies.

"If I were an idiot, wannabe wapanese, or just plain gay, this would be the part where I say 'squee.'" He held out his hand so the miniature orbs of delicious evil would fall into his grasp and promptly experience the chewing of a lifetime.

Yes, enjoy the taste of my balls, sire. Grab them as though you were-

"We already have two ball jokes, we've met our quota for this chapter, servant."

Ah yes, my apologies. It is rather easy to get carried away in my line of work. Would this be where we continue with our mission? Alucard momentarily savored the jubilant feeling that accompanies the first bite of spectral chewing gum.

"Yes, but first..."

...Yes?

"Who the fuck is Vash?"

Hm. I'm afraid you're asking the wrong gum dispenser. Perhaps someone back at the mansion will know. Shall we now proceed with saving the quote unquote 'poor bastard' that Integra mentioned?

-chew- "Yeah, this place is starting to bore me. Unless there's a Piggly Wiggly anywhere around here, we aren't making anymore stops." And with that, the dark machine vanished in a cloud of twisted shadows and Alucard (finally) resumed his mission.


Reviews: Hit me hard, hit me fast. And by review, I mean constructively criticize, not piss and moan about how much I offended you, FAGGOT. But for everyone else who read and genuinely enjoyed, I hope it was as much fun to read as it was to write. Next chapter, does our hero find the survivor? Hell, I don't know. I haven't written it yet.

Video Highlights: Millenium is on a boat. Since this fagtastic website won't let me put the URL down, you'll have to jump to my profile for the link. For additional lulz, watch the Jizz in my Pants AMV in the side bar. Classic.