Debra Barone was folding the laundry on her sofa when there was a knock at the door. All three of her children were sitting watching a program teaching them about the alphabet. Michael sat to Debra's right and Geoffrey sat to her left. Ally was laid out on the floor as if she was making snow angels. Before Debra got up from the couch to let the visitor in, the doorknob turned and Marie Barone, her mother-in-law, stepped into the house. Marie was a mink long coat with a matching hat. Despite it being April, the northeast was still going through a long and tenacious winter. The flurries falling outside were starting to turn into heavier snow. Under her coat, Marie was wearing a dress with a blue flower print. Blue periwinkles. The print was new to Debra and she thought it made the old woman look even older. Debra always thought of Marie as a person who dressed well, but never had she seen Marie in something so antique-ish. Marie was holding in her hands a plate of chocolate chip cookies covered in saran wrap. That covering was it self covered in snowflakes. Marie made sure to close the door behind her to prevent any of the frigid air from entering the home. The door shut with a slam after the draft caught it.

"Grandma," all three children shouted simultaneously.

"Hello, my dears. Go sit in the kitchen and Grandma will give you some cookies." All three siblings ran swiftly into the kitchen. On her way in Ally grabbed milk out of the refrigerator. Marie smiled as she looked at Debra. "I have some good news for us Debra," said she as she removed her hat. "I think we will have international friends now." Marie turned around to put her coat on the hook adjacent to the door.

"International Friends," Debra was puzzled as she walked into the kitchen.

Marie was right behind her, plate in hand. "Yes, don't you remember, the whole write to England thing on PBS."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that. I didn't know you signed us up for it." Debra nodded in affirmation as she went to the cupboard to grab some glasses for the milk and some saucers for the cookies. She noticed the condensation forming on the milk bottle, and how antsy the kids were, and sped up her distribution of the glasses.

"Anyway, I got a call from the agency and we each have a person to write to. My person is-" She reached into the dress' pocket and retrieved a note, "Hyacinth Bucket of Fuddleton, England."

"Mommy how far is England?" Ally asked

"It's about three thousand miles away, honey," Debra replied

"Oh… Mommy how long is a mile?"

"That's about from here to school."

"Oh… is it in America."

"No sweetie it's a totally different country, but they speak English just like us. That country has a Queen and a leader like the president here called the Prime Minister. The whole country is like an island." Debra explained this patiently hoping to satisfy all of her child's questions.

"Like Manhattan?" inquired the six-year-old girl.

"No it is a lot bigger. And it rains a lot a too—"

"Hey there Jambalaya," Raymond said as he entered his dwelling.

"Daddy," Ally screamed with glee.

Raymond squatted to come down to here eye-level. "Hello little Miss Muffet, how was your day? Did you save daddy any cookies?" She nodded yes and he smiled at that. He loved how his daughter was still in her "cute stage". Rising back to his feet he turned to his mother "Hey Ma, what brings you over?"

"Good News Raymond. Your wife and I have English pen pals. Hyacinth Bucket and, - oh Debra your person is Elizabeth Warden. She is Hyacinth's neighbor and best friend."

Machiavellian."

"That'll be very nice for you Debra," Raymond said sincerely. "I would love for you to have someone to talk or – I guess write to somebody and become friends. I think that you would learn a lot from this."

"Do you really mean that, Ray," Debra said with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Of course, I do."


Later that day, Marie had gone home to make dinner for Frank, after the kids had gone to sleep, Raymond was lying in bed with his wife. It had stopped snowing about an hour ago. One thing that was still dropping was the temperature. Raymond snuggled up next to his wife. She was in a good mood but she was very tired after the day she had. She was happy that Marie had done such a wonderful thing for her. She was happy that Ray had supported her. She was happy the kids went to bed without incident. She was happy that her day had turned out so well. Debra felt a hand caress her thigh.

She was not that happy.

"Not tonight, Ray. I'm too worried about Marie, I really hope she doesn't scare Hyacinth away with her condescending disposition. I mean I love her, she's my family, but she can be… intense, overwhelming, manipulative, divisive, derisive, deterring, oppressive, judgmental, hell I'd even say

"Please, let's not think about her tonight. We're both here. We're both ready. I only need three minutes and the rest of the night is yours. I'll be gentle with my lady."

"No, I'm tired Ray, tomorrow"

"After what I said, I thought that you would be appreciative."

Debra saw red.

"What? Raymond is that why you said what you said… to get me to have sex with you. You're a pig. It is like that is you raison d'etre to get me to have sex with you. Were you really going to use this whole pen pal thing to get me to do you," she yelled in a huff.

Flustered, Ray replied, " No I didn't use that to get into you pants…" She scoffed " I just thought that of I supported you, you would help me. And for your information I can speak French too, Mademoiselle Sacre Bleu."

They both huffed and turned away from each other.


Meanwhile, at the other Barone house, Marie is climbing into bed. Her face scarcely shows her elation with her new found friends abroad. Frank is sitting on his side of the bed finishing the crossword puzzle. A sigh got Frank to pay attention to Marie. No matter how crass he seemed sometimes. He had a soft spot for his wife and his family. He may not have been an extraordinarily demonstrative guy but he loved his family to death. When he saw his wife's face all he could do was wonder as to why she looked so pensive. What had he done? What had he said to offend her? He needed to find out. While her husband was pondering whether or not he had upset her, Marie was still thinking, dreading, one nagging thing.

She only had one concern.

"I hope that Debra doesn't make a mess of this thing. I mean she is shrill, moody, insubordinate, proud, stubborn, prissy, and disrespectful."

"Holy Crap! I thought you mad at me with that scary face of yours scowling over there. She's all those things to you. That's why I love her so much. Marie she is probably one of the most stable broads I've ever met. You need to try to get along with her. Ray got a good one."

"Maybe good for you, I love her, I really do, but she needs to learn that I am Raymond's mother. No one messes with a mother."

Frank scoffed, "That's a grown man."

"That is my son, my only son. Well him and Robert..."

They did not know that Robert was passing on the other side of the wall going to the linen closet to get a towel for his 10:23 shower (don't ask why 10:23). Robert heard that statement and touched the blue towel to his chin 16 times (again don't ask why). He sighed and continued about his business.

"… Maybe Hyacinth will agree with me that I am still his mother and his wife ought to respect me," she bellowed.

"Goodnight Marie," said Frank sternly.

"Goodnight Frank, this argument is not over," Marie said almost playfully.


Little did the American couples know that 3,000 miles away, Hyacinth and Elizabeth's letters sat on Hyacinth's table waiting to be taken to the post office. Hyacinth had written her letter to Marie and Elizabeth had written her letter to Debra. Both letters were proofread and spell-checked. Both letters had a photo attached of their respective writers. Said writers were very pleased with themselves. The letters were then placed in a certified box to be shipped across the ocean Both of them were fast asleep because sunrise was only two hours away.

At 10:30 AM the two ladies would get into Elizabeth's car. Elizabeth pulled over and parked her car. She wanted to go in with Hyacinth to put all the postage on the box. Once all the stamps were placed on the box and the package was approved, it was whisked away and disappeared into the back of the post office.

Soon the package would be on a new continent.